Michael J Oconnor, Author at HARDTIMES

Wow! We Showed a CD to This Gen Z-er and She Ate It Like a Donut

Posted on May 10, 2022 by Jessica Lillian

We recently sat down with Hannah, a local college student, and handed her a copy of Alanis Morissette’s “Jagged Little Pill” to see if she could figure out how to play the CD in our dusty old 1998 Sony mini boombox. Hannah, 18, managed to open the jewel case on her first try so we figured she was off to a great start. We were all set to make her an honorary Millennial and breathe a sigh of relief that maybe we weren’t so old after all when things took a turn. Gripping the CD in both hands, she raised it to her mouth and took a giant bite. And then another. And another.

We could only watch in silent horror as the CD was fully consumed. We prayed she would pause for a selfie or to do a dance for TikTok or something, but her jaw proved tireless and her appetite for iridescent plastic insatiable. Watch out, world! Gen Z is here and, in addition to cultural narcissism, they also appear equipped with the teeth of a shark and the stomach acid of a dog.

“I mean, with the light shining on it making those little rainbows, it just kinda looked like striped Funfetti frosting,” Hannah said, shrugging and crunching the last few pieces of the circular plastic disc encoded with 12 iconic songs (and one remix) between her teeth. “It had a hole in the middle. That’s literally a donut.”

As she wiped a few stray silver shards from around her mouth, we rushed to move the boombox out of sight before she mistook it for a large loaf of pumpernickel bread.

Sunn O))) Breaks Up Due to Creative Differences of Whether to Play D-Flat or B-Flat for 10 Minutes

Posted on May 10, 2022 by John Danek

SEATTLE – Legendary drone metal duo Sunn O))) announced they are disbanding following a dispute over whether their next 10-minute dirge should be on a D-flat or a B-flat, sources close to the band reported.

“For years, I’ve been saying that we need to innovate lest we stagnate and rust, but I guess bashing on a B-flat is too much of an artistic shift for Stephen (O’ Malley),” reported Greg Anderson, who is known as the radical visionary of the group according to insiders. “It’s a shame that we weren’t able to compromise. It’s not like I was asking for some two-tone ska riffs thrown in there, I still wanted to have one note drone out for eternity. We built a lot of music based around hammering a D-flat for minutes, hours at a time. Hell, three of our albums consist of one D-flat and then an hour of resulting feedback. I’m proud of it! But I also need a change.”

O’Malley, Sunn O)))’s other member, offered a different philosophy on where the band’s trajectory should have gone.

“I refuse to chase trends like playing B-flats; we built this band on a pure mission and I will not deviate from it,” retorted O’Malley, who almost quit the band in the early days in a dispute over whether it should be a capital O or a zero in the band’s name. “If Sunn O))) can’t stick to its identity, then what does it even mean to be in a band? Whatever, I wish Greg luck on his new hyperpop/trap project, or whatever the hell music they use B-flats in. I won’t be caught dead listening to it though.”

Music historians offered some classic examples as to why groups fall apart despite attaining the unlikeliest of successes.

“The Beatles were the singularly most popular music act of all time, and they didn’t even last a decade — but this Sunn O))) business makes no sense,” admitted Sandra Yonkers, author of “Why Bands Break Up: Drugs, Sex, and Egos.” “Sunn O))) makes some of the least accessible music to ever find an audience, so to think that the members are so principled about the creation of it that they will throw it all away is wild, and quite frankly, extremely stupid.”

In related news, grindcore staple Napalm Death are reportedly on the rocks as some band members suggested writing a song under 240bpm.

Photo by Antti T. Nissinen.

Man Distracted by Fact Sex Doll He Ordered Looks a Bit Like Iggy Pop

Posted on May 9, 2022 by Chris Bowen

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Local man Allen McGuire noticed late yesterday afternoon that the sex doll he ordered online beared a striking resemblance to rock n’ roll icon Iggy Pop, sources close to him say.

“When the doll arrived and I took it out of the box, I couldn’t help but notice its stringy long hair and the almost leather-like material its skinny body is made of,” McGuire explained in a disappointed tone. “And now whenever I get some ‘alone time,’ I can’t really get much enjoyment from it. All I can picture is Iggy Pop and his weird little dance moves, and it’s a complete and utter turnoff. I’ve told my therapist about it, and she thinks it’s some repressive sexual thing I have going on, but I really think it’s just the fact that this thing looks like it could sing for the Stooges or maybe be friends with Jim Jarmusch.”

Dennis Mendoza, a salesman at the manufacturer of the sex doll, used his 10+ years of experience to weigh in on the incident.

“Well, you get what you pay for,” Mendoza said as he was pushing a crate on a dolly. “I believe here at Pleasure Palace we are the gold standard in fuck dolls, but nothing is perfect. If you want to spend the bare minimum on a car, you’re not going to get the sunroof, the backup cameras, all the good stuff. Just like if you want to pinch pennies on a sex doll, you’re not going to get a knockout. You might get an emaciated dried up five-foot piece of beef jerky. Complaints have been pretty high lately, but with supply chain issues, people are lucky they can get anything to fuck from us at all.”

McGuire’s roommate, Arthur Woo, explained how he’s had to cope with the sex doll hanging around the apartment.

“When I came home from work the first time and saw that thing laying on the couch, I thought Allen had brought out a Halloween decoration early or something,” Woo said. “I had no idea he bought that thing with the intentions of having sex with it. It’s horrifying. I’m not sure the right time to confront him about leaving it out all the time, and I’m afraid he’ll say he has a mummy fetish or something. Maybe I’ll just find a new place.”

It was noted at time of press that McGuire was seen stuffing a rolled up carpet with what looked like dried corn stalks on one end into the trunk of his car.

Boyfriend Plans Romantic Evening Out At Friend Brett’s House

Posted on May 9, 2022 by Sarah Cassell

RENO, Nev. — Local boyfriend Zach Dornan planned a romantic evening out for him and his girlfriend Lizzie Hart at his friend Brett Baum’s house, sources who have a bad feeling report.

“My girl said she felt we needed more time together to reconnect or ‘get our relationship back on track’ or some shit, so I thought, what better way to get away from it all than a hang at Brett’s place?” Dornan explained. “It’s literally peak romance and fun. We watch YouTube videos on Brett’s computer, and he has this dog that’s like 15 years old that smells and bites anyone that’s not Brett, it’s so funny. And because tonight’s a special night, I may even splurge on a pizza. You can’t get the spark back on an empty stomach, and Noble’s got a wings special right now, so it feels kind of meant to be.”

Hart, on the other hand, wasn’t quite as happy with the decision from her boyfriend.

“Our relationship is on thin ice ever since be ruined my parent’s mailbox again, so I asked him if we could go to a restaurant, or to a movie to kind of get some quality time together,” Hart said, “But when I asked what we were doing tonight, he said he ‘had something extra special planned,’ which I quickly realized was just hanging out in the partially-finished basement of his friend’s house for the sixth weekend in a row.

Dornan’s ex-girlfriend Melissa Lopez confirmed that spending time at her ex-boyfriend’s friend’s step-dad’s house was a common occurrence.

“It happened every time I asked for a nice night out. The curtains were old Seaworld towels, and we’d always just sit on this old futon while someone raced hamsters in the other room and Brett played darts in the corner,” said Lopez. “I guess one time he threw an old sheet over the one lamp to make it romantic, but it just felt like too little, too late. So glad I dumped him, came out of the closet, and am now with a wonderful girlfriend who paints flower vases with me.”

At press time, Hart was found calling an Uber home after her boyfriend got too drunk and passed out on Brett’s couch.

Shit: The Bride and Groom Are Barefoot for Some Reason

Posted on May 9, 2022 by Ryan Danley

Why the fuck are the bride and groom barefoot? What the hell is this supposed to be about? Some sort of rooted-in-nature thing? Like they’re brand new babies or some bullshit? How fucking deep.

I did not see this coming. Rob has always been a good dude. So I come to this wedding to see my buddy off to married life, thinking I was getting a meal and some free drinks. A nice little shindig. Instead, I’m getting this bullshit. You think you know a guy.

Oh great. Now they’re singing some song they wrote with lyrics detailing the history of their entire relationship. Christ on a fucking cross. Hey Rob and Jen, I can see the hummus getting room temp from here. Who do you think you are? For the record, at his bachelor party, I saw Rob throw up in a strip club. Where’s the lyric about that?

And will you just listen to this “shaman” or whatever the fuck the guy officiating this thing is? He keeps spitting out crap about taking roots and touching the sky. Everyone here is just eating this shit up.

Look, I’m all for bucking the norm. But let’s get real, this is a goddamn financial interaction. No matter how much Jane Austen you want to pour on something, at the end of the day, this is about property consolidation.

Phew, the reception is over. Now we can eat. Wait a second. Are they not putting their shoes on to eat? Like we’re all going to sit here and eat food while their feet are sticking out. Is this the chow line at a Rainbow Gathering? Fuck this. I’m out of here after one more trip to the bar.

Lead Singer Secretly Wonders How They Get the Lights to Go With the Music and Everything

Posted on May 9, 2022 by Zachary Wolf

BOSTON — The lead singer of local indie band Electric Ice Cubes admitted to being confused and “in awe” as to how the lights in the venue seemed to follow the same patterns as the music his band played, confirmed multiple witnesses.

“It’s embarrassing to admit, but I‘ll lay my cards on the table. I didn’t know how they got the lights to go with the music, and I was caught up in trying to figure it out that I think I blacked out a few times and just sort of mumbled some lyrics,” said Electric Ice Cubes vocalist Ernie Schwoller directly after his band’s set. “These fans bust their humps in factories and offices all week, and I let them down because I couldn’t put together how the lights went so fast during the fast parts and slowed down during the slow parts. I’ve never seen anything like that in our practice space, I can tell you that much.”

Not everyone is satisfied with the explanation, as many attendees reported being disappointed with Scwoller’s unprofessional stage display.

“I thought he must have been on drugs or something. He would look at the lights, then back at the band, then keep mouthing the words ‘oh my god, what is happening?’ He sort of looked like a kid being brought to the carnival for the first time and being wowed by all the bright lights,” commented Gemma Johnston, who barely made the show after work kept her late. “At one point he walked off to the side of the stage and just started flipping a switch that turned on a light in a back hallway. Someone needs to explain to him the concept of stage lighting or at least buy the guy some sunglasses before the next show.”

The venue’s lighting technician Jim Fernandez, who just controls the lights with a few knobs and switches, says this happens all the time with low-level headliners.

“Oh it’s wicked common. I can usually spot which bands will be amazed by the lights during soundcheck,” said Fernandez. “They’ll look up in surprise as I throw down a few strobes, and I’ll know I have them. When I started changing the colors of the light to reflect the mood of the song on stage it always makes them freak out like God is in the rafters or something.”

Industry insiders say this confusion can be deadly pointing to the fact that dozens of singers are killed each year by staring too long at traffic lights, planes in the night sky, and big colorful gas station prices.

“Are You Ok?” Text From Mom Swiped Away To Finish Watching Porn

Posted on May 8, 2022 by Literally A Koala

BALTIMORE — Local ungrateful son Jacob Atwal ignored what became one of many concerned texts from his mother until he was done sifting through PornHub, horrified parents confirm.

“I swear I was going to call her later today, but what am I supposed to do? Talk to my mom with an erection? That’s disgusting,” said Atwal. “It’s already near impossible to have an uninterrupted tug sesh—if I make too much noise my roommate will wake up, while my AirPods have to be loud enough for me to be ‘in it’ but not so loud that I can’t hear my other roommate come back from class. This might be my only opportunity all weekend.”

Atwal’s phone refuses to take any responsibility for Jacob’s neglect of his family.

“We both know what’s going to happen—he’ll call her later or maybe even two days from now to wish her a happy mother’s day and say something about how his phone didn’t even send an alert and how weird that is. People love blaming technology for shit like this,” said the iPhone 8, which Jacob’s parents bought for him four birthdays ago. “Meanwhile you can literally download the Bible to me if you wanted to. If he absolutely has to rub one out, at least put me on silent or do not disturb for fucks sake.”

The growing concern over young adults ignoring important texts to watch porn isn’t limited to just family.

“You wouldn’t believe how many 911 calls we get from parents reporting their kids as missing, only to find out they were just on a heavy masturbation binge,” said local police chief Robert Gilliland. “100% of the time we’ll show up to their dorm room and the kid that’s supposed to be missing answers the door red-faced with their trembling, sweaty hands clenched around their phone or laptop. This is why I’m not letting my kids move out until they’re 40-years-old. If they’re going to be out there masturbating, I’d prefer they do it under my supervision.”

At press time, Atwal was seen running to the bathroom after one of his gaming buddies sent him a photo of Chun-Li from Street Fighter.

Mom With Interests Unrelated to Her Kids Reported to Child Protective Services

Posted on May 8, 2022 by Tony Morse

LOS ANGELES — Local mother Meredith Jordan was brought to the attention of Child Protective Services for engaging in activities that don’t include her kids, hypercritical sources confirmed.

“This country is in the toilet because mothers today are so audaciously self-centered, and Meredith is a prime example,” scolded former college acquaintance Jessica Reed. “I’ve had my eye on her ever since she went back to work after her youngest kid started Kindergarten. Her Instagram account is full of red flags including gross date night posts she and her husband do once a month. If her kids don’t become school shooters, they’re gonna make therapists rich describing how mommy gave all her love to daddy instead of them. The last straw was her post about finishing her first Peloton ride. Who the fuck was watching her kids for an entire half-hour? I called the authorities at once.”

Concerns over Jordan’s level of commitment to childrearing have permeated her workplace as well.

“She always shows up on time and stays late if asked. I figured she was just some kiss ass trying to make me look bad, but the truth was darker,” said coworker and fellow graphic designer Mark Jefferson. “Yesterday she mentioned going out to dinner for her son’s birthday after work and I was appalled she wasn’t spending the entire day with him. She tried blaming it on a project deadline for a demanding client, but I wasn’t fooled. I told the investigator she gets off on neglecting her kids while she plays career woman. Pervert.”

Still, one child welfare professional declined to comment on the Jordan Investigation.

“I probably haven’t seen her file yet because we have to ignore every complaint in the order they are received,” commented Head Investigator Michael Schaffer. “Well, that’s not entirely true. Moms with names I can’t pronounce get special task forces assigned, especially if they appear to have healthy adult relationships and hobbies, that’s just protocol.”

At press time, neighbors watched in horror as Jordan walked her dog without her kids.

Uh Oh! Conor Oberst and Phoebe Bridgers Dig Your Vibe and Want To Buy You a Drink

Posted on May 8, 2022 by Ben Friedman

So you’re blowing off steam after work at an LA Dive bar when you notice, more than a few times, this artsy-looking couple across the bar keeps looking in your direction. It could be the boilermakers talking but they look vaguely familiar. Perhaps you were in the same poetry class in college?

Next thing you know, they’re walking over and it dawns on you that this is no ordinary couple, rather indie-folk megastars Conor Oberst and Phoebe Bridgers! Looks like you picked the right night to wear your Saddle Creek shirt because now they want to buy you a drink and hang out. Your indie cred is going to skyrocket after tonight, surely. But after three whiskey highballs, Phoebe asks if you want to join them at their private table. It’s at that point you realize they might be asking you to join them in more than just Better Oblivion Community Center.

It’s not that hard to get ahead of yourself. I mean this is one of the best songwriters on the planet and the most famous man from Nebraska. Surely they have better things to do than take you back to a hotel room and make you wear the skeleton outfit. Then again, Conor has been patting you on the thigh a lot. Maybe try bringing up Commander Venus less.

Clearly you need to sus out their intentions because the last time you came anywhere close to being involved in a three-way was when your ex asked you to help their friend move. I mean, you have nothing in common with these people! Then again, Phoebe just put “Tangled Up in Blue” on the jukebox, which you’ve always felt was the best Dylan song to fuck to. Is she trying to set the mood or does she just have great taste in music? The jury is still out.

Welp, the bartender just said it’s last call so time to put up or shut up. Do you just assume you’re going with them? They’re probably staying at a nice hotel. The kind with the full bottles of wine in the minifridges. You’re either in for a night of passion or a free guitar lesson, which either way is a win-win.

Friend Not Sure Whether to Congratulate or Console Newly Pregnant Woman

Posted on May 8, 2022 by Krissy Howard

BERLIN, Wisc. — Local friend Cassie Aragon was not sure whether to meet Maggie Baumgarter’s news that she’s pregnant with excitement or deep sympathy after being told earlier today, according to equally conflicted sources.

“I thought we were just meeting for our usual Sunday morning walk but I knew something was up when she said she ‘wasn’t telling many people yet’ but had to let me know something,” recalled Aragon, of the bombshell dropped by her friend which she’s still not sure how to feel about, really. “It was hard to read whether she was excited or suicidally upset because she just said ‘I’m pregnant’ with basically no emotion. I’ve heard her use more inflection when ordering an everything bagel. I wasn’t sure if I should say ‘congratulations,’ or ‘I’m sorry’ because she does like her boyfriend right now but also doesn’t have health insurance, so I’m not saying shit and am just gonna follow her lead.”

Aragon’s friend and presumed future mom, Baumgarter, wasn’t sure how to interpret her close friend’s reaction to the news.

“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with Cassie,” an 11-weeks pregnant Baumgarter stated. “This is the biggest news of my life and she’s literally the first person I told and all she said was ‘oh wow, and how do you feel about that?’ She sent me a text with emojis I didn’t even know existed after she found out there was another ‘Jersey Shore’ series set in Florida and when I told her I’m having a baby she just got all nervous and said something about allergies. She’s probably just jealous because I’m the first one of our friends who will be a mom.”

Friendship experts confirmed that excitement reserved for such news is held on a case-by-case basis, with various factors affecting the appropriate response.

“Generally speaking, if a friend is under 22 or over 38, news like this is pretty hard to know how to respond to, considering everyone involved could potentially have their life ruined because of it,” said terrible communicator and passive aggression specialist, Dani Grist. “If you’re on the receiving end of the news and aren’t sure how to respond, the best course of action is to make a surprised face and say absolutely nothing, or offer them a drink and assess where their head is at based on which choice they make.”

At press time, Aragon was seen not being sure how to react upon hearing news that a different friend had just gotten back together with her ex after one month apart.

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