BALTIMORE — Local ungrateful son Jacob Atwal ignored what became one of many concerned texts from his mother until he was done sifting through PornHub, horrified parents confirm.
“I swear I was going to call her later today, but what am I supposed to do? Talk to my mom with an erection? That’s disgusting,” said Atwal. “It’s already near impossible to have an uninterrupted tug sesh—if I make too much noise my roommate will wake up, while my AirPods have to be loud enough for me to be ‘in it’ but not so loud that I can’t hear my other roommate come back from class. This might be my only opportunity all weekend.”
Atwal’s phone refuses to take any responsibility for Jacob’s neglect of his family.
“We both know what’s going to happen—he’ll call her later or maybe even two days from now to wish her a happy mother’s day and say something about how his phone didn’t even send an alert and how weird that is. People love blaming technology for shit like this,” said the iPhone 8, which Jacob’s parents bought for him four birthdays ago. “Meanwhile you can literally download the Bible to me if you wanted to. If he absolutely has to rub one out, at least put me on silent or do not disturb for fucks sake.”
The growing concern over young adults ignoring important texts to watch porn isn’t limited to just family.
“You wouldn’t believe how many 911 calls we get from parents reporting their kids as missing, only to find out they were just on a heavy masturbation binge,” said local police chief Robert Gilliland. “100% of the time we’ll show up to their dorm room and the kid that’s supposed to be missing answers the door red-faced with their trembling, sweaty hands clenched around their phone or laptop. This is why I’m not letting my kids move out until they’re 40-years-old. If they’re going to be out there masturbating, I’d prefer they do it under my supervision.”
At press time, Atwal was seen running to the bathroom after one of his gaming buddies sent him a photo of Chun-Li from Street Fighter.