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Shit: The Bride and Groom Are Barefoot for Some Reason

Why the fuck are the bride and groom barefoot? What the hell is this supposed to be about? Some sort of rooted-in-nature thing? Like they’re brand new babies or some bullshit? How fucking deep.

I did not see this coming. Rob has always been a good dude. So I come to this wedding to see my buddy off to married life, thinking I was getting a meal and some free drinks. A nice little shindig. Instead, I’m getting this bullshit. You think you know a guy.

Oh great. Now they’re singing some song they wrote with lyrics detailing the history of their entire relationship. Christ on a fucking cross. Hey Rob and Jen, I can see the hummus getting room temp from here. Who do you think you are? For the record, at his bachelor party, I saw Rob throw up in a strip club. Where’s the lyric about that?

And will you just listen to this “shaman” or whatever the fuck the guy officiating this thing is? He keeps spitting out crap about taking roots and touching the sky. Everyone here is just eating this shit up.

Look, I’m all for bucking the norm. But let’s get real, this is a goddamn financial interaction. No matter how much Jane Austen you want to pour on something, at the end of the day, this is about property consolidation.

Phew, the reception is over. Now we can eat. Wait a second. Are they not putting their shoes on to eat? Like we’re all going to sit here and eat food while their feet are sticking out. Is this the chow line at a Rainbow Gathering? Fuck this. I’m out of here after one more trip to the bar.