I’m JD Power and These Are My Associates, Sure Would Be a Shame if Your Car Didn’t Win Any Awards

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

When you think of trustworthy, dependable reviews of automobile dependability and capacity, there is only one name you think of. If you need someone to keep you in the loop of car industry market research and let you know about that Honda you are thinking of buying, you only go to one guy. That guy is me. I’m JD Power, and these are my associates. It sure would be a shame if your car didn’t happen to win any awards, now isn’t it?

Ah, how nice. Here is a whole new model of an off-road sports vehicle, ready for the upcoming 2023 line. You know, we all have a need for adventure in our soul, but some needs are deeper than others. There is the need to freely drive in the open wilderness, wearing a Patagonia vest. There is a need for the raw horsepower of a vehicle like this to appreciate nature from within your car. And then there’s the need for JD Power and his associates to get fucking paid.

Listen, how are you going to market this shiny piece of junk without a bunch of our awards under your arm, huh? Do you think anyone buys shit in the auto industry without me and my associates’ say-so?

Think again, motherfucker. This is JD Power territory. And that of my associates.

I bet you’d like to win “Best Torque in Its Class,” huh? Yeah, you would. That’s the sweetest little plum of an award that anyone could want. That would be great for this little ol’ off-roader of yours. Probably move an extra two, three million units, easy.

You know what you should be worrying about? Winning the “Safest Person in the Room Right Now” award. That’s not a threat, by the way. That is an actual award that my associate over there, G.R. Knuckles is menacingly holding. Trust me, you do not want to lose that award.

Listen, nobody around here wins an award for torque, safety, or best fucking cupholders without Ol’ JD Power dipping his beak in the good stuff. And that means the associates get a taste too, get it?

If you want to see your modernized, environmentally-friendly off-road sports vehicle in a weird commercial in which a group of actors pretends to be shocked about seeing a car, just do the right thing and kick a piece over to me, JD Power, and them, my associates.

If you know what is good for you. JD Power does.

And so do his associates.

Man Hates All Conservatives Except For Ones Who Make Woodworking TikToks

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Penn. — Local leftist, and amateur craftsman, Flint Cropwell admits to harboring a burning hatred for people who espouse conservative ideals, unless they make engaging woodworking videos on TikTok, confirmed sources close to the self-proclaimed socialist.

“When I was a kid I would build stuff with my dad in the garage and he would always have Rush Limbaugh on the radio ranting about ‘femi-nazis,’ ‘welfare queens’ and a whole bunch of other bullshit,” said Cropwell while watching a tutorial on dovetail joints from a user named PatriotPatCarpentry. “Because of all that time with my old man I learned to love hand-made furniture, but grew to hate conservatism. I started building stuff over quarantine after watching some videos, but what sucks is the only good clips I find are made by right-wing lunatics. Liberal woodworking videos tell you too much of a story; I don’t care about your dying cat, just show me some tricks to make kerf bending easier.”

Though his new hobby involves lots of hours loudly working in the alley behind his apartment, Cropwell’s roommate Kevin Gralot isn’t bothered by it.

“Yeah, Flint kinda picked this up outta nowhere one day. He’d be walking around the apartment staring at his phone while the sound of a whirring saw backed by a Saliva song came out. Flint’s kind of an angry guy, but he calms down when he’s doing his work,” said Gralot while sitting in a chair his roommate made last month. “Sometimes he’s destructive, but I can’t even get mad. Like when he broke the table after hearing Roe V. Wade got overturned, I knew he’d just go out back and make another one.”

Noted media literacy expert Chelsea Dantoleum says enjoying an artistic project from a member of an opposing political ideology is fairly common.

“Many people who despise or unconsciously hate someone can still respect their work. This is evident when looking at viewers of reality shows where a technique or art is put on display,” Dantoleum remarked. “The numbers I’ve studied show that more liberal audiences enjoy house-flipping shows like ‘Fixer-Upper’ and ‘Unsellable Houses’, programs where rich white people change things they don’t like about places that used to be owned by others. Conservatives on the other hand enjoy ‘Dancing with The Stars’ since most of them are dead inside and that makes them unable to dance.”

We Caught Up With These Winners from MTV’s Next To See What They Spent their 50 Bucks On

Posted on by Patrick Crooks

The powers that be have decided it’s time for even more Aughts nostalgia, that magical time of Ed Hardy shirts, butt rock, and Paris Hilton. While most people aged 18-25 were participants in their fair share of these decidedly cringe-worthy trends, a very unique group of horny attention-seekers were willing to give up their dignity in exchange for 15 minutes of fame by appearing on the MTV dating show “Next.” We caught up with a few of the winners who took the money instead of the second date to see what they spent their $50 on.

Charity:
“Everyone likes to laugh about me being the one that fell down the stairs of the bus, but what they don’t know is that I really messed up my back pretty badly and still require physical therapy to this day. So, I guess I probably spent it on pills or something?”

Brad:
“This was 2005 so I’m thinking either a Von Dutch hat or one of those ‘Jesus is My Homeboy’ shirts.”

Matt:
“Back then pretty much any money I had coming in went directly to pay my debt to Columbia House.12 CDs for a penny my ass.”

Rachel:
“What they didn’t tell the viewers, or the contestants, is that after filming is done they kick everyone off the van and bus and leave you where they were shooting. Me and the other contestants spent four days wandering around Joshua Tree. Unfortunately, we had to eat Skyler before we were eventually able to get a cab to get back.”

Jarran:
“I was convinced my killer frosted tips would never go out of style, so I put my money towards having them permanently etched into my hair with lasers. No regrets.”

Shannon:
“So, after taxes and fees, I think I only actually went home with $12 bucks and most of that had to go to my agent for getting me cast on the show in the first place.”

Zack:
“The filming ended up lasting so long that my day pass at the MTV lot expired. So basically I’ve just been living here “The Terminal” style and using my “Next” money at the vending machines.”

Sean:
“I bought another auditing session and was finally able to advance up the Bridge to Clear.”

Ashley
“Turns out I had a bench warrant out for unpaid child support, so probably that.”

Nostalgic Pop Punk Fan Cranks It to “Enema of the State” Artwork for Old Times’ Sake

Posted on by John Danek

CRANSTON, R.I. – Elder millennial and lifelong pop punk fan Trent Wilshire relived his early teen years by pleasuring himself to completion with only the assistance of Blink-182’s “Enema of the State” album artwork, disgusted roommates reported.

“I was feeling wistful for the simplicity of my younger years when I thought of the perfect way to recapture that feeling; cranking it to the nurse on the cover of ‘Enema of the State,’” proclaimed Wilshire, who has nurtured a lifelong medical fetish ever since the album’s release. “It wasn’t the easiest task. I had to lay off the hardcore xHamster stuff for a couple days so that I would be rearing to go with this significantly tamer material. But it worked out great. I came right as ‘Wendy Clear’ transitioned to ‘Anthem’, and suddenly I could smell the chilly autumn air as I waited for the bus in 8th grade. You can never go back, but you can come close.”

Janine Lindemulder, the model in the image, admits to having complicated feelings about her enduring legacy in pop punk.

“To be frank, I’m not much of a pop punk fan. I’d take Boxcar Racer over Blink-182 any day,” confessed Lindemulder, who admits to getting subtly recognized by dads in public to this day. “But I think it’s sweet that I was many millennials first sexual awakening. I do kinda wish they would stop sending me DMs on every platform, though. I know how to handle the usual hardcore porn weirdos, but these kids send sad messages about lost innocence and dreams not panning out. But still. It’s nice, I guess.”

Dr Laurie Caldwell, a sex therapist and researcher at Rhode Island College, emphasized that the sexual stimuli in one’s early teens can have powerful effects later in life.

“The images we experience right as our bodies begin developing sexually can be the reason why one person needs a thumb up their ass to get off while another wants to wear a diaper during sex,” explained Dr. Caldwell. “With each successive generation, we see common trends. Blink 182’s album artwork had a profound influence, as did Jonathan Taylor Thomas’ exquisite frosted tips. Mmm…”

Sources indicate Wilshire’s mission to relive nostalgic erotica has hit a snag, as no woman he brings back to his apartment will wear the Britney Spears schoolgirl outfit.

Photo by Jana Miller.

All the Boys Who Are Back in Town, Ranked by How Back in Town They Are

Posted on by Zach Raffio

Guess who just got back today… that’s right, it’s the freakin’ boys! But how back are they? We’ve ranked all five boys by how back in town they are, to finally determine once and for all just how back in town they all are. So spread the word around, because these statistically organized boys are officially back in town!

5. Ronnie
Ronnie is often at Johnny’s place and has even been known to, on occasion, slap Johnny’s face, but unfortunately his lack of constant Johnny-adjacent behavior leaves him at the bottom of our ranking. He’s gonna have to step it up if he wants to be as back in town as these other boys.

4. Bruce
Bruce has been known to fraternize with that one chick who dances a lot, but he always treats her respectfully, and with candor. This of course prevents her from steamin’, which ultimately restricts just how back in town Bruce remains.

3. Lenny
Lenny, as far as boys who are back in town go, is by far the best dressed. He dresses to kill on Friday nights, but the actual “killing” is what drops him short. Lenny’s afraid to get his hands dirty – let alone his outfit. Unlike…

2. CJ
CJ eats every meal at Dinos Bar n’ Grill, and when he’s not eating, he’s drinking – which you know means fighting. He’s worked hard to solidify his back-in-townness, and will physically take down anyone who dares question his commitment to being back in town. However, there’s one distinction holding him back from being the most back in town boy of all.

1.Hugo
Hugo does all of the above back in town-tivities to a tee, but there’s one that he takes utmost pride in; drivin’ all the old men crazy. We don’t mean in a metaphorical sense, either. Hugo has been gaslighting all of the town’s elderly men in a truly elaborate fashion, to the point in which the town’s water supply safety is being questioned. He’s driven them all literally insane, writhing in their own filth and nonsensical spewing. they’re a danger to themselves and others. None of it is fun, and his actions have frankly ruined the town. But hey, at least it won’t be long ’til summer comes again! Or maybe the National Guard.

Ambient Musician Undecided if Next Album Will Be Haunting Conduit to the Furthest Depths of the Human Psyche or Hypnotic Survey of the Very Nature of Being

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local freelance videographer, and part-time ambient music composer, Cooper Mills is intensely contemplating the potential thematic and philosophical focus of his upcoming album, disinterested sources reported.

“My 20-cassette run of ‘hence’ sold out in eight months, so, I knew there is a huge demand for probing examinations of our own cognitive limitations and awareness,” said Mills, who performs under the name “Medial.” “But then I started reading ‘The Discourses of Epictetus,’ and I couldn’t shake the feeling that I should concentrate on the totality of existence, not only in terms of humans and animals but also every part of the universe, including the universe itself. But, like, in a deeper way that can only be expressed through sonic soundscapes.”

Friends and family of Mills say they find themselves perplexed by his attempts to relay the intent of his art.

“Whenever I ask Cooper about how the music’s going, he starts going on a spiel about how he wants to ‘dismantle the idea of subjective listening experience’ by making his presence indetectable or something,” said friend Adam Stone. “I try to ask questions, but he just starts going on all of these tangents about the cruel ironies of the ego and recursive thinking. At a certain point, I just start nodding and think of how soon I’ll be able to change the subject.”

Dr. Mark Etchingham, professor and author of “The Tired Sounds of Modern Ambient” says countless ambient musicians try to make a name for themselves by placing a greater meaning on their music.

“Rather than embrace the inherent ambiguity of ambient music and the unlimited interpretations a single piece could yield, composers will zero in on trying to distill their work into a singular yet expansive concept,” said Etchingham. “But then they’ll also post these 500-word backstories about ‘exploring the chaos of silence’ on their Bandcamp page, which is read by absolutely no one. I just want to tell them that listeners mainly want to hear something that sounds nice on a rainy day or that they can fall asleep to in 10 minutes or less.”

At press time, Mills was adding echo and decay effects in GarageBand to a recording of him plucking his roommate’s bass for 12 minutes and mulling between “part” and “of” as potential titles.

Pickleball Is Ruining Society

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

There is a serious problem sweeping this once great nation. The cause of literally every issue impacting average citizens like you and me. It’s called “Pickleball.”

As you’re reading these words, there are utter hoards of 55+-year-old “active living” seniors filling up every tennis court within a golf cart’s driving distance from their homes. Shouldn’t these people be at work? Shouldn’t they be contributing to society? Apparently, they’ve decided no. They’ve abandoned their roles in the civilized world in favor of pure unadulterated chaos. I’d call it a child’s game but I have never seen a child play it.

These swaths of social dropouts do nothing for our community but make boops and bops that echo through tennis court after tennis court and out into neighborhoods. Children are exposed. Dogs are startled. I am annoyed. The victims are limitless. And don’t get me started on the inadvertent grunts these monsters exude with each strike.

Won’t anyone think of the bike polo players? These defenseless dweeby weirdos have been evicted from court after court to make way for the onslaught of AARP card holders with baby-sized rackets and hollow balls. This means they will be forced into parking garages, bogarting the ever-dwindling supply of accessible parking spaces in city after city until there is zero convenient parking left.

Everyone knows all boomers are involved in some sort of political position in government. If these impotent fucks weren’t so busy hitting balls with their tiny racket things, maybe some general legislation could be passed. Instead, all we hear is the whine of electric leaf blowers clearing the courts nationwide.

If my mom and dad are gonna be spending all of their time smacking balls around, they could at least call in a pizza for their grown dependants every once in a while. A childhood of neglect was plenty, but life as a latchkey adult? No thank you. No millennial should undergo a second round of parental abandonment.

Punk Driverless Car Already Has DUI

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

PITTSBURGH – A prototype driverless car, manufactured by local technology start-up High Drive, crashed into a telephone pole and was issued a DUI on its maiden voyage, sources at the scene report.

“Look man, it’s not a huge deal,” said High Drive CEO and sole employee Brick Rangor before cracking open a tall boy of PBR. “I took this thing out for the first time, there’s bound to be mistakes. How was I supposed to know that the navigating system was fucking blitzed? It’s not like I can take the keys away. I mean, honestly, who among us hasn’t been lightly hammered while driving hoping the car itself would inherently know to do the right thing for us. And let’s be real, even normie driverless cars have kind of a shit safety record. This is definitely not on me.”

Officer Luke Langley, the first responder to the scene of the crash, has never seen anything like this before in his professional career.

“Usually when I see a piece of shit rusty Buick I know I’m in for driving under the influence at least, maybe even possession. But I didn’t expect to, you know, roll up to the crash site and not see anyone inside the damn car, nor did I expect the vehicle to register a gas-alcohol content of 3.5,” Langley said, looking confused. “I’ve given plenty of tickets to jackass punks. This is my first robot, though. Even if the robot itself is kind of a jackass punk, too.”

Tech blogger and connoisseur Anthony Tesch took the wreck as a sign of progress.

“I’m actually delighted about these wreckless advances in self-driving technology,” Tesch said. “Driverless cars are now behaving more and more like actual humans and being completely irresponsible. We’ve really come so far in terms of lifelike programming. Who knows, maybe next we’ll see a beta test of a model that irrationally honks its horn less than a second after the light turns green or even one that automatically leaves a plastic parking chair behind to save its spot while it’s out on a drive.”

At press time, Rangor was quick to note that he is working on a “Car 2.0,” complete with new straight edge technology.

If You Were a Real Friend You Wouldn’t Have Invited Me to Your Show in the First Place

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

How dare you accuse me of not being a true friend. Sure, I didn’t come to your show after constantly asking you to let me know next time you’re playing. But that doesn’t make me a bad friend. I felt like I had to say yes! I didn’t see any other option whatsoever. And that’s on you. Honestly, if you were a real friend you wouldn’t have put me in that position in the first place.

You know I don’t do well in high-stress situations. Like when you DM’d me on Instagram with a show flyer and said “you should come out.” I clearly can’t handle stuff like that. If you were really my friend you wouldn’t have facilitated a scenario where I felt obligated to text you about going to the show, tell you in person when I saw you that I was going, FaceTime you the morning of the show to ask what time you go on, and then flake and not show up at the last minute.

I can’t believe you did this to me. If you were really my friend you wouldn’t have pressured me by saying, “No, it’s fine,” or “I was just letting you know in case you were genuinely interested, no pressure at all, please, it’s totally fine, just let me know if you’re not coming so I can put someone else on the guest list.”

To be honest, you’re a bad friend. And you know what? That’s actually why I didn’t go to your show. Oh, but definitely let me know next time you’re playing and I’m totally there!

I Don’t Care if My Daughter Doesn’t Like Crazy Town, if I’m Paying for This Wedding I Pick the Band

Posted on by Dave McNamara

One minute you’re cruising around in your ‘96 Golf Turbo with custom exhaust, rocking a bucket hat and wristbands around both forearms, the next you’re an insulation specialist with a polo shirt and a beer gut. Life can go by fast. That’s why when the opportunity strikes, you gotta grab it with all your might. Or at least with the bulk of the savings you put away for your daughter’s wedding.

I’ve been setting money aside for my daughter, Kälah’s special day for almost a decade now. I couldn’t be happier for her and Tighler. So I’ll be goddamned if they’re gonna tell me I can’t book Crazy Town to absolutely rock this shindig.

Technically, it’s “Shifty Shellshock’s Crazytown Experience.” Not Crazytown official. But he was always the best part of the band anyway. When I found out I could book him for nine grand, I couldn’t believe it. The fact that I could bring the voice of “Butterfly” to the Warwick Knights of Columbus Hall lifted my spirits even more than when I found out my little sugar baby was getting hitched.

Things haven’t been going so well these last few years. I look back on my life and I wonder what happened to that young man that took speed limit signs as suggestions and seriously considered getting a blackout tattoo on my right arm, albeit to cover up the barbed wire tribal I got at Ozzfest ‘98.

This is my chance to get some of my mojo back. Sure, we’ll have to substitute a few things. Like I can definitely handle baking the cake. How much could a couple of Betty Crocker Funfetti mixes possibly cost? We can also make it a potluck. That way guests won’t have to decide on chicken or fish. And who says you can’t get a nice wedding gown at Dress Barn?

You give everything up for your kids. The fast cars, the phat clothes, the dreams of owning your own professional-grade DJ coffin. It’s okay to take a little back after they’re an adult.