Review: Nails “Abandon All Life”

Posted on by John Danek

The Hard Times is committed to reviewing every album that has ever existed, but we refuse to go in any logical order. This week, we revisit Oxnard-based powerviolence/grind legends Nails’ 2013 album, “Abandon All Life.”

Your favorite music ends up becoming the soundtrack of your life. That is, as long as you don’t have a bunch of loser naysayers demanding you turn it off.

I love Nails. Their frantic, unhinged music calms me down. So imagine my surprise when my now wife said that the first dance at our wedding couldn’t be “Absolute Control.” Apparently the title “sends the wrong message” and the song “will scare all of the children in attendance” and “make my parents want to kill themselves.” I’m waiting to hear the downsides. Uggh. Fine, whatever.

But relationships are supposed to be about compromise, right? So when the nurse recommended that we make a playlist of soothing music for when Tabitha goes into labor, my mind instantly thought of “Wide Open Wound.” Thematically, you couldn’t get more appropriate for the situation. But no, I had to watch my offspring enter the world to the brutal, disgusting tones of Jason Mraz. Truly horrific shit.

The last straw was when I lost my job. We had two kids and money was tight. Tabitha was at her wit’s end. I attempted a romantic gesture by learning how to play “Suum Cuique” on guitar. It’s their softest song by far- practically singer-songwriter fare. She did not take kindly to this. I mean, I perfectly imitated Todd Jones’ vocals. What more could she want?

We eventually got back on our feet. Upon filling out our wills together, I lied to Tabitha and said I left my phone in the attorney’s office. I ran back in, and added a clause stating that at my funeral, “God’s Cold Hands” will play through a 600w sound system as my coffin is lowered into the ground.

No one can take this last joy from me as I, ahem, abandon all life.

SCORE: 10/10 arguments with your spouse.

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Old Spotify Playlist Reminds Man of Embarrassing Music Phase He Went Through Three Weeks Ago

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

SYRACUSE, N.Y. — Local music enthusiast Derek Barnett was struck with embarrassment after stumbling across a Spotify playlist he created only twenty-one days earlier, sources that follow Barnett’s Spotify account report.

“Aquabats, Weird Al, The Lonely Island… Wow, I cannot believe how immature I was last month,” said Barnett while scrolling through the playlist. “I have like five songs from Bo Burnham’s ‘Inside’ special on here. Ninja Sex Party… LMFAO… Bloodhound Gang… my apartment must have had a carbon monoxide leak or something. I’m so glad to see how much I have grown as a person since I made this list. It’s like they say, when I became a man, I put away childish things.”

Friends of Barnett, however, feel that he might have matured too much since making that playlist.

“I already miss ‘novelty song’ Derek. He just sent me a playlist called ‘Zen New Jersey,’ which is somehow pretentious and pedantic at the same time,” Barnett’s unrequited crush, Essie Mullins said. “Leonard Cohen, Pixies, Patti Smith. He is taking himself way too seriously now. Then he closed with Gil Scott-Heron which somehow feels like a microaggression to me. I have a feeling by the end of summer he will be really into jazz and using the phrase ‘it’s the notes you don’t play’ as if anyone knows what that even means. I might have to cut him out of my life before that happens.”

Music theory expert Bradford Wallace, Ph.D. has noticed this trend happening with most of the “Streaming Generation.”

“Music fans are burning through phases at near quadruple speeds than the generation before them,” said Dr. Wallace. “What might have once been someone’s identity for the entirety of high school, they are not flipping from punk to glam to industrial over the course of a semester. Kids no longer need older brothers or Tower Records’ listening kiosks to turn them on to new music, they have open access to all of the music in the history of the world but with that comes an ever mutating taste in music.”

As of press time, Barnett stated to have been “obsessed” with grunge over the course of a single evening.

Opinion: You Have To Tell Me Your Age So I Can See if I Should Feel Bad About Where I Am at in My Career

Posted on by Rebecca Acevedo

Congratulations! I am so happy about your success! Also, I’m spiraling and I need to make this about me. Just so I can compare, how old are you? If you’re older, you’re aspirational. If you’re younger, I’m going to cry for a week.

I am so proud of you for getting a record deal and an opening slot on that tour. I’m also absolutely devastated. At 25 I was making fifteen bucks an hour as a seasonal sales associate. Just to throw out some numbers, Bo Burnham filmed his first comedy special when he was 20 and at 28 wrote and directed his first film. And I, a 31-year-old, tweeted something yesterday and deleted it an hour later. This is a healthy comparison.

Seriously, how old are you?

I saw your post about being on the lineup for a sold-out show! That’s amazing! Can I ask you a couple of quick questions? What year were you born? At what age did you start performing? On Backstage it says you can play a 19-35, so which one is it?

It would make comparing easier if Variety legally had to put the ages of people right after their names in announcements. Just tell me so I can pinpoint the age at which I clearly fucked up. I need that pressure to push myself to succeed or give up.

Wait, hold on. I just saw a tweet from a writer who just got hired on a TV show and after going through her feed I found out she’s 42. Never mind, I’ve still got time.

Uh Oh: Frontman Is Wearing a Cape

Posted on by Chris Bowen

PHILADELPHIA — Several fans braced for embarrassment at a local extreme metal show Saturday night when the frontman of black metal band Blürgnorff walked out on stage to perform sporting a long purplish cape, multiple sources report.

“I had never heard of Blürgnorff before the show, and I thought they might be decent considering the stage lighting and general atmosphere,” explained show attendee Leo House.” But when the frontman came out he had the cape pulled around his face like he was some sort of Dracula and then he flung it around his back as soon as he started his vocals. I think he expected a big round of applause but most people just instinctively took out their phones to avoid looking at him. I had to leave the venue before anyone mistakenly assumed I was enjoying what that clown was doing.”

Blürgnorff’s frontman and caped spectacle, D-Evil, defended his controversial stage attire.

“First of all, it’s not a cape, it’s a cloak,” said the frontman while using a toothbrush to gently remove beer stains from cans that had been thrown at him. “And second of all, superheroes wear capes. Superheroes are lame do-gooders that don’t have an ounce of metal in their bones. Children of Satan like myself choose to wear cloaks because it’s the classic wardrobe of the occult! Druids never wore capes. Anton Levay never wore a cape. I don’t wear a cape! It pulls together our stage presence perfectly, even if our bassist always steps on it by accident.”

Music historian at the Library of Congress Dr. Janice Kennedy gave some insight on the history of caped, or potentially caped musicians.

“What people may not know is that many popular musicians started out wearing a cape on stage, much to the chagrin of critics,” noted Dr. Kennedy. “Rumor has it even Bruce Springsteen had a period where he potentially put an American Flag cape on for his live shows. Sort of like a singing Captain America type thing. Of course, the executives at Columbia records immediately shot it down for being monumentally stupid, and rightfully so.”

At press time, all of Blürgnorff held an intervention for their frontman imploring him to replace his cape with an evil-looking hat.

Loser Alert: This Person Said They Like Our Band

Posted on by Louie Aronowitz

I don’t want to be overly judgmental of anyone, but let’s be honest, if you like our shitty local band then you’re a goddamn loser.

You just came up to us after we botched every aspect of our set and asked if we had merch you could buy. There can be no clearer indication of someone being the absolute worst than that. Red flag city.

Here’s the thing. I believe in this band. I think we’re great and I do my best to write and play songs I believe in. But I know damn well what we sound like. Our music is weird, jarring, and poorly made. This person either has the worst taste in music of they’re going to kidnap us. I’m honestly hoping it’s the latter.

Our drummer just pointed out he saw them singing along with our songs. That means they heard our album. That’s insane because our record sounds like it was recorded in the basement of a slaughterhouse. Because it was. Now that might be cool if we were a grindcore band but synth-pop typically needs some production value.

Disliking our band should be a prerequisite to being a normal, well-adjusted person.

And lastly, there’s also the fact that it’s us. Who would like some nobody’s band? Sure, everyone knows that if your friend asks if you like their band, you’re supposed to say yes but then start a new group chat without that friend to trash their band. But we don’t even know this person! What a fucking loser.

Bassist Who Made Statement on Behalf of Band Beaten Within Inch of Life

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

CAMDEN, N.J. — Local bass player Conor Lenihan is in critical condition after being beaten mercifully by his bandmates for releasing a statement regarding the band’s status late last night, confirmed family members.

“We found Conor on the front lawn last night and it looked like he had been hit by a truck. Both his arms were broken, his face was swollen, and there was a note that said ‘you don’t speak for us, practice is moved to 8 p.m. next week’ and we knew exactly what happened,” said Lenihan’s father Andrew. “It was terrifying to see how badly my son was hurt, but I understand where the band was coming from. Conor had told me about how he finally got the login for the band’s Instagram page and I knew he was playing with fire.”

Members of Lenihan’s chillwave band, Lexus Paradox, claim they had to send a stern message.

“We love Conor, he’s like family, but he should have known better. He thought he could speak for the band, but we let our fists do the actual talking and our fists had an awful lot to say last night,” said vocalist Amiee Straught. “The worst part is that he put his name first in the sign-off at the end of his post. Which is insulting to everyone in the band and every non-bass player in the world. His name should be last, or second to last at best, depending on how we feel about our keyboard player that week. The irony is we actually had to release a statement following his statement because we have to cancel a few shows since half our rhythm section is in the ICU.”

Emergency room physician Dr. Amir Patel says this is one of the most common reasons musicians end up in his care.

“I want to tell all of the people who play the ‘less important’ instruments to leave the public messages to the vocalists and lead guitarists of the world,” said Dr. Patel. “Last month I was in surgery for 18 hours straight operating on a drummer who went on a podcast without getting permission from the other members of the band. Thankfully he’s expected to make a full recovery, but he will never drum without the help of a click track.”

Lenihan’s original statement “Lots of good things coming up soon” was deleted from the Lexus Paradox Instagram page and the latest post is a GoFundMe to cover the costs of his hospital stay.

Sober Space Only That Way Because of Revoked Liquor License

Posted on by Zach Hudson

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Local dive bar Bog Hill, an establishment notorious for over-serving customers, fights, and unsanitary conditions, shocked regulars and locals alike by rebranding itself as a “sober space” due to the revocation of its liquor license, confirmed painfully clear-headed customers.

“Used to be you could serve five or six minors a night and it would be no big deal, but now you serve ONE seventeen-year-old who looks twenty-one and they take your liquor license,” said owner Rob Denzel. “I hate what this place has become, but I gotta keep the lights on, so we’re embracing this whole sober thing and serving imported sodas and other bullshit until they reinstate my license. I’d pay most of the bands that play here in booze, and now I actually have to give them cash. It sucks.”

Townies who have been coming to the small, dimly-lit dive for years are not happy with the new changes.

“This place sucks now but I’m banned from every other spot in the city. You get drunk and kick one dog and all of a sudden you’re worse than Stalin,” said Bog Hill regular Jim Tracey. “You should’ve seen this bar in its hay day man. I did coke with Fat Mike here back in ‘91. Now there’s all these kids walking around with Xs on their hands drinking fucking seltzer, and I’m stuck sneaking in nips and doing them in the stall like a degenerate. I give Rob credit for still booking shows, but turns out most of the bands he books are only good when you’re shit piss drunk.”

Local man Brett Naples, who identifies as being in recovery, has started coming to Bog Hill after years of actively avoiding the establishment.

“It’s kinda weird that the walls are covered in alcohol paraphernalia, and that the floor is so sticky. But I’m just glad there’s finally a place in this neighborhood where I can go to shows without having beer spilled all over me,” said Naples. “It is pretty boring in here though. There were a couple of people playing Rock, Paper, Scissors in the corner, and another group having a Connect 4 tournament, it sort of makes me wish there was some element of drunken violence.”

At press time, a regular known as “Big Bob” was being kicked out of the bar for trying to smoke weed out of a Liquid Death can in the bathroom.

How NCIS Helped My Parents Accept My Goth Lifestyle

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

To say my adolescent years were tumultuous and rife with conflict would be an understatement. It’s not easy being a goth growing up in the suburbs of Tulsa, Oklahoma. Not only was I an outcast at school with my leather dog collar and pleather JNCOs, I found no solace in my own home.

To be fair, my parents are salt-of-the-earth folk who just couldn’t understand my heavy eyeliner and teased hair. To them, the industrial drone of Type O Negative coming from behind my door was just noise. But I had to be myself.

Then an angel in black wings arrived in the most unlikely of places: the character of Abby Sciuto on the crime drama NCIS. Played by the incomparable Pauley Perrette, Abby was the quick-witted, forensic genius that aided Leroy Gibbs and his special agents to solve naval crimes. But unlike most scientific pencil pushers, Abby was unabashedly goth in her choker collars, five-inch buckled boots, and skull paraphernalia.

While at first I felt that her cosmetic character qualities were a harmful representation of the goth community, I began to notice that my parent’s understanding of me had changed. After watching countless episodes on the USA network’s weekend marathons, I could see them soften to my way of life. All of a sudden, my black make-up stopped randomly being thrown in the trash and I didn’t feel the need to hide my Nick Cave poetry books anymore.

“Well if Abby can get a job with all of her… quirks, maybe you can too,” my father once said to me without looking away from the TV. My mother quipped, “She is so respectful to her coworkers and has such a proud work ethic. She’s also good with computers, just like you!”

Granted, in later episodes it’s revealed that Abby is a devout Catholic which actually set us back a few steps, as my mother believed she could use this to get me to go back to church. However, my mom has stopped saying that I, “used to look so pretty with my natural red hair.” Plus, my dad stopped burning my Bauhaus posters so I’ll take what I can get.

We’re Not a “Band” We’re a “Collective Who Suck at Playing Instruments”

Posted on by Eric Navarro

Music is more than just performance art. It is a state of being. It is a cohesive, universal experience that unites spirits and transcends the physical realm. Except for country. To call me and my tribe of creators a “band” is a grand understatement that minimizes the entire being of the artform itself. We are not a band. We are a collective who suck at playing instruments.

Music is subjective. People often classify the music we make as “bad” or “not music.” But that’s just one species’ opinion. But music exists on all planes of existence and I will continue meditating until I astral project to one where we’re appreciated.

Sure, we never learned how to play the top-of-the-line instruments our parents bought us when we moved into the compound that they also pay the mortgage on. But why should that matter? Our collective performs unique sound patterns that cannot be replicated. Not even by us. Some may call that incoherent noise but we consider it five souls uniting to express our shared consciousness. Much like our nightly conversations about how the world should be, which also gets called incoherent noise.

Regardless of the world’s ignorance of our art, we believe in being the change you want to see in the world. So please sign our petition to change “Bandcamp” to “Collectivecamp.” So far we have five signatures.

All in all, we don’t need the world’s approval to validate what we do. We know what we are and that’s what matters. We don’t need praise or money. Our rich parents provide more than enough of both.

Punk Mom Insists on Trashing Place Before Company Arrives

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. — Lifelong punk and mother of three Annette “Annarchy” Gustavson reportedly insisted that her entire family exhaustively trash their home before company arrived, even if the place seemed pretty filthy already, sources close to the family confirmed.

“I don’t think there is anything wrong with wanting the house to look like a goddamn wreck for once,” said Gustavson as she flipped the couch cushion over to the more stained side. “The way your house looks to your fellow punk friends and family reflects on you as a household. All I want is for my husband ‘Dreadful’ Ted and the kids to make sure the garbage is completely overflowing and leaking three-week-old chow mein juice and that there is dog fur all over the guest room, even though we don’t have a dog. Is that so much to ask? After all, I gave up my nipple piercings to breastfeed those kids, so this is the least they can do.”

Gustavson’s eldest child Melissa believed her mother was trying too hard to impress guests.

“Mom is always crazy insistent that the house be completely destroyed before anyone visits,” said the honor student. “Even if it’s just her dirtbag brother who’s always ‘touring,’ which really just means he’s been couch-surfing with a broken amp for a month. I don’t think I should have to put bed bugs in my own room just because the neighbors are coming over for a backyard rager. It’s not like anyone will be going in there unless they get so drunk they piss on my mattress. Again.”

Doctor Martha Carter, a behavioral therapist, was familiar with cases like the Gustavson family and their maternal need to have at least one window broken at all times.

“It is actually very common for punk moms to base their entire sense of self-worth on how filthy their houses are,” said Dr. Carter. “Just like traditional normcore American homemakers have long judged themselves and their peers by their ability to project pseudo-fetishistic imagery of 1950s society or rockabilly parents pride themselves in the height of their infant children’s quiffs, punk moms often only feel accomplished as parents by making sure their homes constantly teeter on the edge of legal condemnation. It’s perfectly normal.”

As of press time, Gustavson was freaking out that no one in the family had bothered to upper-decker their toilet before her in-laws visited for the weekend.

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