We were already on a pay-to-play tour–How could we be expected to pay for our own food? Lucky for us–a shitty reward system and our bass player, Tony, had our backs. Before getting fired from McDonald’s, he’d scan in customer’s points on his own phone. It took management 2 months to catch it, but by then our tour was starting so it didn’t matter.
Despite fully funding our food, Tony still wasn’t pulling his weight, so we put him on trash duty and load-in. Even though he did give us the van from his failed food truck, Beastie Burger. He would’ve stayed in business, but Mr. Beast and The Beastie Boys argued for so long over who had the right to sue him that he got bored and quit.
Three weeks into the tour, he busted his shoulder and we actually had to help unload the van. Through this, we discovered countless bags of McDonald’s remnants underneath the equipment. The food hadn’t aged a day either!
Some guy walking past saw the old signage on the van and the food in our hands and started ordering before we could stop him. We gave him a half-eaten burger–not even wrapped in anything. He took it unflinchingly, praising us for our “unique angle of business.” Before we knew it, we had a line to our van that went all the way back to the venue’s exit.
Business was booming, we even got profiled on the Food Network. If they just looked inside the van, fans would see we don’t even have anything to cook the food. It’s just Tony clipping his toenails and yelling “Order’s up!” every few minutes!
I’d say we feel bad about selling weeks-old food to people–but we don’t. More of our audience buys this shit than our merch. Hell, there’s a McDonald’s down the street that sells it for half the price. But wrap it up in one of the T-shirts we can’t seem to sell and suddenly we’re groundbreaking enough to pay $10 a burger.
After our tour wraps up next week, we’re gonna go on hiatus. We need to rack up more points to keep the business going–but Tony’s been blacklisted from being rehired. Once the rest of us get fired, we’ll run another tour–we’re not playing any music though. Why waste time with that when we could be actually making money?
The scenery is nice for the first hour or so, then you’re bored. You can’t even take a boredom nap because sleeping on the ground sucks. Camping is dead last by a mile.
Just imagining the mindset of someone who would enjoy getting a headstart on holiday capitalism makes us wanna lay down.
Really don’t see the appeal here. Yes, the cooler weather means you won’t bake in the stands, but you could just watch sports at home, and for that matter you could watch one of the millions of things better than sports instead, and while you’re watching that you can fall asleep which is inarguably the best part.
Do you like sitting on a bunch of horse food that pokes your skin while you get dragged around a farm? No, of course you don’t. You like sleeping in your bed.
You know apples, the food you never buy at the store anyway? What if we told you that you could drive way further than the supermarket, walk for miles outside picking them yourself, and pay way more for them? You would tell us to go screw and you would take a nap, right? We would for sure.
You’re all like “Pretty.” and they’re all like “You wanna buy some?” and you’re all like “No Thanks.” cause what are you going to do with a sunflower and aagh it’s just an awkward mess, just thinking about it makes me tired.
School is back, and not just for kids! Why not spend your free time taking a community college course, like film study, or a foreign language? Oh, right, because if you have time to do that, you have time to nap. Pass.
I mean what are you trying to prove, that you like fall? Are you afraid you’re going to say “I like fall” one day and some big fall-head is gonna call you out like “Show me three decorative wreaths you made out of pinecones and that weird corn you don’t eat!” Would you even want to hang out with someone like that anyway?
Whether you want to add a personal touch to your own wardrobe or make someone special a thoughtful gift, it’s going to cost you 6 hours where you could totally be sleeping.
This runs the risk of nulling you into a dullard and will probably just put you to sleep anyway.
You know how much your life improves if people on Instagram know you bought a new flannel shirt and believe you enjoy the outdoors? None at all. Sleep, on the other hand, has a number of mental and physical benefits.
Why not hit up your best local coffee shop and treat yourself to an afternoon pumpkin spice latte? Well, maybe because you already drink enough caffeine to kill a baby horse just to wake up every goddamn morning and 4 extra espresso shots will send you into a manic episode.
Have you ever been walking and said to yourself “Boy, I wish this made me feel like an idiot”? Of course not, no one has.
There’s a lot of squashes you can only get at farmers markets in the fall. Some are edible, and some are just decorative, and they don’t tell you which is which you’re just supposed to know. It’s gatekeeping, and it makes me sleepy.
They’re like regular donuts, but further away from your house and not as good. Why aren’t we sleeping again?
Hiking is a wonderful compromise you make with yourself when you feel guilty for not actually working out, but then you go to do it and it’s actually kind of hard. Why put yourself through that when there’s a perfect sunbeam right at pillow level right now?
Every band’s gotta start somewhere. Thrash bands don’t have a great track record with classic debuts. They’re usually cheaply made and the songwriting isn’t honed yet. (Except, of course, for Metallica. They nailed it on the first try and have been in steady decline since.) Naturally, Havok’s debut album is their weakest. It’s a promising effort, though, featuring some solid riffs and inspired playing. Additionally, Sanchez’s condescendingly indignant snarl is already fully formed. Same goes for his leave-me-the-fuck-alone alpha-libertarianism: (“Mess with me, I’ll mess you up / You’ve never seen a temper quite like this / Stay away from me right now / I got a pistol cocked and I’m pissed”) and his hatred of religion (“War with open arms / And open minds that fear / Freedom of religion / What is the final cost?”). Despite its flaws, “Burn” is still a more enjoyable listen than “Killing is My Business… and Business is Good!,” so there’s that.
Here, Havok experimented with groove and slower tempos, as well as some progressive songwriting. The result is a well-performed record of growing pains with multiple songs plodding along, saved only by longtime drummer Pete Webber’s slick playing (“Worse Than War”), or speeding up the song’s middle third to proper thrash tempo (“Chasing the Edge”). The other upsides are Terry Date’s superb mix and Sanchez once again denouncing religion. His libertarian (read: obliviousness) hits a new high this time with “Give Me Liberty… or Give Me Death,” which is exactly what you think it’s about. It ends with Sanchez reciting a quote about liberty from noted slaveholder Thomas Jefferson, which is like writing a song about racial harmony and then quoting David Duke.
Calling it “5” woulda been too on-the-nose, amirite? I guess it’s better than a cringe-pun. Anyhow, with most of the progressive stuff from “Conformicide” cut out like a burst appendix, think of Havok’s fifth album as a sleeker and somewhat experimental version of “Time is Up.” It’s got some of their finest riffing to date, and, thanks to Mark Lewis, it’s also their best-sounding album. Sanchez sounds as pissed off as he ever has, employing his libertarian spittle-snarl to attack misinformation, transhumanism, the war on drugs, and the military-industrial complex (again). No diatribe against religion this time, however. I guess you can beat a crucified horse only so many times before it gets boring. Overall, “V” is a top-notch thrash record and proves the genre is still essential, even if recent records by the Big Four suggest otherwise.
Written mostly by Sanchez while the band’s lineup was in flux, Havok’s sophomore LP is a serious upgrade from “Burn.” This is the first one with Webber, who proves instantly that he’s one of the best in metal. His fluid technicality is a joy to listen to. The band also replaced their original lead guitarist with Reece Scruggs. He deserves a raise just for his punk-as-hell name. Seems like those additions allowed Sanchez to expand and fine-tune his songwriting because the riffing is sharper and the choruses are stronger. This time around, Sanchez shits on religion in two different songs, but those aren’t career-best numbers. Yet, the album’s main theme seems to be that life is short. The cliché’s more banal than “follow your dreams,” yes, but Sanchez used it to focus his talents into a superb thrash record. Consider this Havok’s true debut.
Ignore the silly title, because this is Havok’s finest full-length. It’s their “…And Justice for All” (or “Rust in Peace,” if you prefer a lesser example). This is their only no-skips record, and has their catchiest riffing and best playing to date, with Webber’s drum arrangements being the most inventive in thrash. The interplay between all four members throughout is fantastic: they’re tighter than the grooves of your 180g vinyl of “Kill ’Em All” you bought years ago but never opened. Sanchez rises to the occasion with apoplectic vocals, railing against corrupt officials, mass media, and, that’s right, the military-industrial complex. His libertarianism goes Super Saiyan here, invoking “1984” and calling political correctness “a social disease.” He also berates religion in three (!) separate songs. That may seem like too many, but consider: anyone who calls God “a power-tripping maniac” is doing something right. “Conformicide” is a stunning achievement and the peak of 2010s thrash metal.