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Line 6 Amp In Wicker Basket Abandoned on Orphanage Doorstep

OMAHA, Neb. — An unwanted Line 6 Spider III was recently abandoned on the stoop of the East Omaha Sanctuary For Unwanted Boys, somber sources confirmed.

“It was very late at night when I heard a knocking on the front door. And when I opened it, what should I find but this poor, frightened piece of budget musical equipment swaddled in a wicker picnic basket,” explained orphanage director Gerturde Mackleby. “It’s so sad when an amplifier is abandoned like this, but the orphanage will do everything it can to ensure it gets raised to one day be a functioning part of the scene. Who knows? In a few years it might be useful as a practice space amp or even, dare I say, for a high school battle of the bands.”

According to a note that was left, the amp was previously the property of touring doom-sludge band Hundreds of Thousands of Gallons of Ass.

“It is with heavy hearts that we must give up our beloved Line 6 amp for adoption. It was a hard decision, but we simply cannot justify the space it takes up in the van while sounding like a malfunctioning Panasonic VCR,” read the band’s note. “Hopefully it will have a better life under this orphanage’s tutelage. We will miss it always. P.S: Don’t try to use the ‘sweep echo’ or you WILL get electrocuted.”

Social worker Buford Kermit provided some background on the epidemic of Line 6 abandonment.

“Childcare facilities all over the globe have been inundated with unwanted Line 6 amplifiers. So many musicians just aren’t thinking it through when they make the initial decision to bring that responsibility into their life,” Kermit admitted. “Though tragic, ultimately they’re better off here than they are being neglected and forgotten in the corner of some studio or in a storage locker that no one has the key to. At least here we give the amps positive reinforcement that they don’t sound like a bunch of burning fax machines.”

At press time, orphanage officials were considering a new foster program to help place abandoned amplifiers with bands who don’t care at all about sound quality.