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Sure, Drum Machines Can Keep a Beat, But They’ll Never Replicate My Profound Lack of Professionalism

I’ve heard my fair share of criticism from my bandmates over the years. They say that I’m “too moody.” That I’m an “unreliable asshole.” That I “keep getting arrested for punching out crossing guards.” That I “never stop bragging about my vasectomy.” I can take it. But this? Firing me and replacing me with a drum machine? This is not cool.

These clowns say my drumming is “inconsistent” and “not solid,” to which I say this: Yeah buddy, that’s our sound! Tame Impala layers every instrument in phasers, My Bloody Valentine uses mountains of feedback, and all of our songs gradually slow down by 30 beats per minute because it’s tough to play that fast for three entire minutes.

And I don’t understand where this whole “immature” accusation is coming from. I got a friggin’ vasectomy when I graduated high school, dude. That shows a lot of foresight on my part, regardless of the fact that it was heavily encouraged by several friends, family members, and past employers.

Yeah, you can tell the drum machine exactly what you want it to do, but it has no soul, man! It can’t make creative choices like I can! Take, as an example, my drumming on “Requiem for Sara.” Was my insistence on playing double-bass blast beats on an acoustic ballad, as one reviewer put it, the “9/11 of musical choices?” Maybe so, but at least 9/11 is memorable! Unlike the lyrics about a dead grandma or aunt or whatever our vocalist claims are “deeply personal.”

I mean what would you honestly prefer: a lifeless drum machine that’s cold and sterile (heartless), or me, an actual human being who’s cold and sterile (vasectomy).

You know what? Have fun with your stupid drum machine. Yeah, maybe you can program tempo, swing, and time signature. But you know what you can’t dial in? Feel. And guess who can? Me. Granted, my process for doing so involves lots of alcohol and industrial-grade inhalants, but everything in art comes with a price.

Speaking of price, my girlfriend says I shouldn’t practice for free, so for yesterday’s rehearsal I’ll be invoicing the rest of the band $200. And yes, I know I was 3 hours late. That’s why I’m only charging $200.