HAZLEHURST, Miss. — Indie horror movie “The Scary Place” is leaving primarily Republican audiences in freshly shitted-and pissed-in pants due to its terrifying, uneventful depictions of a city, moviegoers reported.
“I set out to create the most terrifying film since the dystopian hellscape known as ‘Barbie,’ and I believe I have achieved my vision,” claimed Skyler McLoughlin, who proudly admits that his entire concept of life in American cities comes from Tucker Carlson. “So I took my camera phone to downtown Hoboken, set it up on a tripod, hit the record button, and jumped into a dumpster. I got footage of thousands of people, many of whom would have robbed or killed me if they had known to look in the dumpster. ‘The Scary Place’ serves as a testament to my bravery.”
Conservative viewers applauded McCoughlin for staying true to his vision despite risking his life by walking in an American city downtown during the daytime.
“I’ve never seen anything so frightening in my life; I vomited twice upon seeing a slightly out-of-focus lowrider with hydraulics cruise past the camera,” admitted Tammy Oakley, mother of 11, and reported terror to all Starbucks locations in the region. “The movie theater is trying to get me to pay for the seat that I utterly ruined. But it’s against my religion to fix anything I destroy so I refuse. Anyways, our church is offering a double feature of ‘The Scary Place’ and ‘The Sound of Freedom,’ so I’ll be sure to wear a diaper and bring a barf bag to that one.”
Less politically minded audience members offered a more critical analysis of McCoughlin’s debut film.
“If I’m being really generous, I could say that he was going for a sort of ‘Skinamarink’-type thing, but that’s insulting to ‘Skinamarink’ and anyone with taste,” opined movie critic Janine Kosley. “It really is just B-roll footage like you’d see in a newscast; people out of focus walking around. I can’t even begin to see what is frightening about this, but I’m also not a fucking idiot. I guess if all you know is a tiny town with one stoplight and seven dialysis facilities, cities might be a bit overwhelming at first. But give me a break and grow the hell up, red states.”
McLoughlin has announced that his next work will be an 800-page horror novel titled “The Hauntings of Chicago, Venezuela, San Francisco, and Mexico.”
Then presidential candidate Bill Clinton famously appeared with his saxophone on the Arsenio Hall Show in 1992 to gain more votes among young people. Nothing excited the youth in the early ’90s like a saxophone. Most people also forget that the Ramones were Arsenio’s musical guest that night, and Clinton was tasked with playing the sax solo to “Do You Remember Rock n’ Roll Radio?” They were so impressed he toured with them during the rest of the primary season.
Hulk Hogan’s claims to have auditioned for Metallica after Cliff Burton died are complete bullshit, like everything that comes out of the Hulkster’s mouth. Hogan did actually leave the WWF and play with the Ramones for two years in the early ’90s. He was kicked out for not knowing the first thing about playing guitar, he was so upset that he formed Hulk Hogan & The Wrestling Boot Band to compete with the Ramones.
Jerry Only from the Misfits played with the Ramones for two months in 1995. However, he annoyed the band by constantly trying to sell them Misfits-branded merchandise. The Ramones decided to retire rather than risk any more of Only’s sales pitches. Because of this, Jerry finally went ahead with the Misfits reunion he had been threatening for years.
Many Ramones fans know that Joey Ramone suffered from an extreme bout of OCD. On April 8, 1997, Ramone got stuck counting steps backstage moments before he was to perform. In a pinch, Johnny Ramone noticed radio personality and Joey Ramone doppelganger Howard Stern in the audience. Stern was quickly given a set list and sent onstage to perform. To their credit, nobody in the crowd that night seemed to notice the switch had occurred Stern continued to fill in for Joey at least a dozen more times.
Noted baseball fan Johnny Ramone invited The New York Yankees’ Don Mattingly to play drums for the Ramones in 1987. Surprisingly enough, Mattingly knocked it out of the park. However, Ramones management forced him to decide between his baseball and rock n’ roll careers, and Mattingly ultimately chose to return to baseball for much more money than the Ramones could have paid him in his wildest dreams.
In 1991 Doug Funnie won tickets to see his favorite band, the Beets. Later that year, Doug’s older sister Judy entered a contest to see the Ramones, and against all odds she won her contest as well. Funnie arrived early and not only caught the band’s soundcheck, but she was also asked to provide vocal levels, as Ramones singer Joey Ramone was distracted by a dog outside that had a particularly fluffy tail. She ended up recording an unreleased EP with the band.
Nobody embodied ’70s and ’80s New Yorker rage quite like John McEnroe, which is why the Ramones enlisted his help to bring an edge to their sound for 1984’s “Too Tough to Die.” There’s no question that McEnroe ratcheted up the anger, though he was ejected from the studio for constantly arguing with the band over every single minuscule point.
Joan Jett played with the Ramones for six months during their early days at CBGBs. That said, both Jett and the Ramones were strung out of their minds at the time and had no idea what was going on. Neither Jett nor the surviving members of the Ramones remember her being in the band, despite the existence of dozens of photos from the time period.
Every Ramones fan knows that the Huntingtons at their best are easily as good as the Ramones at their worst. Hell, even the Ramones knew it. That’s why they hired the Huntingtons to put on some wigs and perform as the Ramones for most of 1995, so the real Ramones could take a load off and just sit down for a while.
Janet Jackson had always looked up to her brothers in the Jackson 5: Michael, Jackie, Marlon, Randy, and Tito Jackson. So when she heard about another band of brothers called the Ramones she was interested, to say the least. Jackson joined the Ramones for a single show in 1986, however she quit the band after finding out that the Ramones weren’t another family band, but rather a bunch of weirdos from Queens.
Kate Moss struck up a friendship with Dee Dee Ramone in the early ’90s through the New York drug scene. The two were fast friends based on their love of practical jokes, and in 1993 Moss used her waifish figure to disguise herself as Joey Ramone’s microphone stand. It wasn’t until the last song that Moss revealed herself, at which point the Ramones all had a hearty laugh about the hilarious prank that had been pulled, this led to her being a member of the band for three full years.
Johnny Ramone was a devoted fanatic of the New York Yankees, and in 1995 spotted in the audience the Yankees’ Assistant to the Travelling Secretary, George Costanza. Ramone pulled Costanza up on stage to sing “The Blitzkrieg Bop,” however Costanza seemed panicked by everyone in the crowd looking at him. They hadn’t even made it to the first chorus before Costanza screamed “George is getting upset!” and ran off stage.
Dolly Parton’s decades and decades of charitable work are both well-known and highly commendable. She was scheduled to perform at a benefit for New York musicians with severe head injuries. The Ramones were also slated to play the bill, and Parton actually joined them onstage to sing a few songs. It was later revealed that Dolly Parton believed the Ramones were victims of severe head injuries, due to their musical prowess, and considered the performance to be yet another in a long line of charitable gestures.
Despite the fact that by 1980 Harrison Ford was one of the biggest movie stars in the world, his movie career paled in comparison to his weed-dealing career. It still does, too. So the Ramones called up Ford to supply them with some swag-ass babbage while they recorded “End of the Century” in L.A. However, they didn’t have any money, so they let him record backing vocals on “Chinese Rock” and agreed to sign over royalties for the song to Ford as payment.
Jem from the Holograms gave a hard pitch to the Ramones as to why she should play backup guitar for them. The Ramones agreed to bring her on board, even though it seemed there were ulterior motives at play. Those motives would reveal themselves one Halloween show with the Misfits, as Jem touched her earring and a dozen holograms appeared and beat the shit out of the Glenn Danzig and Jerry Only. Little did they know they had roughed up the wrong Misfits.
Ramones management purchased a speak & spell in the hopes of getting the band to write songs that were more in-depth than simply stating what they do and don’t wanna do. Unfortunately learning new vocabulary got Dee Dee all worked up, and he left the Ramones to begin exploring the English language through his rapper alter ego: Dee Dee King.
Like everyone in 1990, Joey Ramone fell head over heels for Twin Peaks, Washington’s own Audrey Horne. Joey tried everything to win her affection, including letting her record backing vocals for a song he was working on at the time. Eventually Audrey confessed that she was in love with an F.B.I. agent that was in town investigating a murder, thus breaking the heart of not only Joey Ramone, but also the heart of an entire nation that couldn’t stop thinking about her.
Before we get to our lowest listed release, of which every piece ranking albums has to include at least one with or without a tie for the bottom, it must be said on record that Chris Carrabba is a badass for pulling a T-Swift by re-recording the majority of his albums and re-releasing them on another label. While this particular LP isn’t one of those, it still carries some weight, just not as much as the next lucky seven. Released as a joint venture with major label with some indie cred Fueled By Ramen Records, and poutine supplier Dine Alone Records, current home to the like-minded City & Colour and the non-like-minded Juvenile, “Crooked Shadows” is pop as hell, and catchy as heaven, just not as solid front-to-back as the other ones. Open your eyes, hearts, and wallets, put on boxing gloves, tune your violins, and catch yourself.
Dashboard Confessional is quite fluent in making ambitious/potentially maligned LPs, and returning to glorious form just one album later. Released just one year after their extremely polarizing/underrated and expensive album “Dusk and Summer,” “The Shade of Poison Trees” rocks as hard as acoustics can, and has the distinction of being DC’s most emo-tinged/tears-of-pain-angst-and-sadness LP title; Carrabba lights his own thick as thieves fires. Like all the band’s releases, this album is good, but would’ve been better with two less songs.
“All the Truth That I Can Tell,” the most recent LP from Dashboard Confessional, is so hot off the presses that it still doesn’t have its own Wikipedia page, despite the fact that it was released last year, and it’s also the second of two “return-to-form” “back to basics” DC studio albums. The band normally puts the “heart” in “heartfelt,” and truly earns that description, as is it Carrabba’s first album after his almost-fatal motorcycle accident left him more than wounded and forced him to relearn how to play the guitar (and how to kickflip), which was extra heartbreaking to hear about as it was a major staple for most of his life. Happily things improved for all things Carrabba, as three chords and more cleared his pain, and thus this album justifiably put the “ABBA” at the end of his name via its strong songs. Overall, this album is DC’s best from 2010-on.
“Dusk and Summer” is likely the first studio album from the entity known as Dashboard Confessional to be polarizing amongst the band’s rabid fanbase. Yes, everything after the debut LP “The Swiss Army Romance” sucks a chunk of butt, and the band slowly decayed as a result of their next seven LPs; actually, no, that is not true, and you are a stupidhead if your opinion showcases such. Anyway, produced for the majority by Don Gilmore who sat behind the boards for Linkin Park and Trust Company, and with additional production by Daniel Lanois who also handled bands like U2 and Luscious Jackson, “Dusk and Summer” sounds like it had a Nobu budget in the best way to us and the worst way to you. Whatever, the secret’s in the telling. Also, Peter Parker would’ve been a much bigger bitch if “Vindicated” never came out, so you’re welcome, Tobey Maguire.
This ranking may provide both a mark and a scar, but hands down, it’s our brand to provide honest honesty, which includes truth in the face of adversity. “A Mark, a Mission, a Brand, a Scar” is the band’s second most dreaded genre description album title of which fans of Rites of Spring will critique the utilization of the three-letter-word that looks slightly like an animal ending with the letter you “u” that not-so-kindly goes before the word “tion.” While the previous release is the first to highlight a backing band, this is the one wherein the three other non-Carrabba band mates appear for the first time/shine so beautifully, early morning 3 a.m. Rob Thomas-endorsed calls from them wouldn’t offend anyone with standards.
Hot take: This is the last DC album listed to have a “skip it” component. Hotter take: “Alter the Ending” is the most slept-on LP in Dashboard’s catalog, and we’re letting you know that from the beginning of this section like responsible adults. Also, “Get Me Right,” our favorite song from this studio album, is the band’s best opening track even now! “Alter the ending” is DC’s last major album until “Crooked Shadows,” and sounds like such in the best way, as its production may also be the best in the band’s catalog. Many will try to flip flop the ranking of this album with the previous one above, or besmirch this entire piece altogether, but we know we’re right, especially about this LP, and hopefully it’s bridges under the water moving forward.
Don’t cut us with any form of a boxcutter, swiss army knife, or the like, but especially not a butcher/cleaver knife, or anything that was ever held by Aussie legend, Crocodile Dundee: Dashboard Confessional’s debut “The Swiss Army Romance” is pure nostaligia hooked directly into your veins. This LP literally started it all, and was released via Fiddler Records in early 2000, also originally home to both Recover and The Higher, and then sold to aughts pop-punk godfather Drive-Thru Records, originally home to both New Found Glory, who made a split cover EP with DC called “Swiss Army Bro-Mance,” and hellogoodbye, who combined two words of a Beatles hit into one magical band name sans shirts and gloves.
This perfect LP is a grower, not a shower: Dashboard Confessional’s sophomore studio album “The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most” debuted at number one-hundred-and-eight on the Billboard 200, and eventually, in a more than well deserved manner, was certified Gold in the United States. Also, as a cool footnote, MTV2 had its own award at the MTV VMAs called, wait for it, the MTV2 Award, and Dashboard won such in 2002 for their “Screaming Infidelities” music video, and said category only had six years of winners which included the mellower than DC acoustic seventeen-piece Mudvayne and the Motown singers with a heart of gold known as Yellowcard. Carrabba was more than noticed globally for these ten-tracks, and to wrap this sentence up without hyperbole, the scene world was never the same since. For better or worse?
Technically Charlie is an honorary serial killer since we have no proof he actually killed anyone, but come on, he’s Manson, he’s in the conversation. He ranks last because frankly of all the deplorable people on this list, he’s your best shot at having a good time. He wouldn’t follow the rules of Monopoly or any rules for that matter, but he’s entertaining, he has acid and you might even get a Brian Wilson story or two.
He’s one of the worst of the worst people to ever live for sure, but he’s also an entertainer. He could probably be halfway pleasant through an evening of Monopoly if he were so inclined, just throw him some KFC and he should behave,
Creepy, opinionated, and responsible for the deaths of anywhere from 10-130 people, Rodney’s a bad guy, but we have actually seen him play a game before, and although he was so weird off camera the contestant refused to go through with the date, he was charming enough to win.
There’s just enough spooky horse girl in us to think meeting Elizabeth Bathory would be pretty cool.
Kemper’s crimes are insanely gruesome, culminating in the murder, decapitation, and corpse humiliation of his own mother, but at least he’s honest. He called the police to confess his crimes, and when they didn’t believe him he called them back to say “No, seriously, come arrest me.” He would probably make the best banker out of anyone on the list.
We have no idea who Jack The Ripper was so honestly there’s no telling how annoying he would be at Monopoly, but you could probably write a cool song about it.
Cons: After a schizophrenic episode he murdered a bunch of people at the behest of his dog, whom he believed to be the avatar of an ancient god.
There are so few female American serial killers that it feels messed up to call the most prolific one “annoying.”
Between ‘90s nostalgia and the fact that he’s a total hunk, we wouldn’t say no to a game of Monopoly with Dahmer.
Another handsome charmer, as long as you don’t follow him passed GO to a second location you should be okay playing Monopoly with The Casanova Killer. Keep in mind he did go out wrestling a cop for his gun, so you might wanna just let him win.
Okay, we’re just gonna say it, this guy is interesting! Born in Australia he committed murders in four different countries in the ‘60s and ‘70s. He got busted for one in Austria in ‘74 and went to prison, where he started a writing career. The Austrian literary elite loved his writing so much that they petitioned to have him released, and it worked! He went on to become a playwright for a while before getting bored and going back to murdering. Anyway, he must have a million stories, and game night seems like a perfect chance to hear some.
If you’ve read any of his writing, you know that a board game night with Carl Panzram wouldn’t be all that different from a board game night with any given grindcore frontman. That still sounds annoying, but not without a certain kitsch appeal.
She killed a bunch of babies as a hospital nurse, so if she pulls that “Pay Hospital Bill” card with the Monopoly guy holding twin newborns shit could hit the fan fast.
Forget the fact that he killed 13 women in 2 years, the fact that he’s from Boston is all you need to know to be sure Albert Desalvo would be annoying to play Monopoly with or even be around.
He committed a series of brutal rapes and murders while managing a shell organization dedicated to fighting child abuse. Anyone capable of that level of cognitive dissonance is for sure going to try cheating at a child’s board game.
It can be highly irritating to play a kid’s game with an educated professional. They often can’t accept the fact that their perceived intellectual superiority doesn’t equate to winning, and can lash out. They aren’t all like that of course, but this one killed 250 people, so he’s probably like that.
A failed cop who targeted New York sex workers in the ‘50s and is still alive. Can’t wait to hear his politics on game night.
An aspiring music producer and alleged child mass murderer. We could tolerate a game night with one or the other but not both.
He would have zero interest in the game and would try to segue the whole evening into a crafts night. He won’t be dissuaded when you tell him you don’t have any craft materials on hand either… you ARE the craft materials!
Little’s got the most confirmed kills out of any serial killer in U.S. history, so you know he’s a big competition freak.
Ottis may or may not be a serial killer. He was the accomplice of Henry Lee Lucas and corroborated a lot of his confessions, many of which were proven to be lies. It’s never fun playing a board game with a liar, but he’s a good friend, and that has to count for something.
Despite being punch drunk from their round in the major label ring, the band’s sophomore outing still delivers a few good swings in the peppy lead single “Hyperspace,” the moody “Bacardi” and the 6/8 time dirge of “Firecracker.” Overall though, “The Proximity Effect” comes off as a bit uneven and overlong. Supposedly Elektra Records was so unhappy with this one that they didn’t even release it in the States, which is some serious schoolyard bully shit. Maybe (absolutely) Ian MacKaye had a point all along.
This is the one with the song everybody knows. More than aptly produced by the legendary Ric Ocasek, the band’s debut LP boasts some great performances, particularly from the rock solid rhythm section of bassist Daniel Lorca and drummer Ira Elliot. The “low” in “High/Low” comes in the form of vocalist Matthew Caws’ often childish and obtuse lyrics. “I can see, the things she does for me. I’m living in a treehouse.” Huh?
This can technically be considered a studio album in that it was indeed recorded in a studio, but the songs are all covers, so we’ll only mention it honorably. The band made it a point here to perform every track in a very Nada Surf style, to varying results. Something gets lost in the sauce with their flat arrangements of Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence” and the Moody Blues’ “Question,” but they land a bullseye with an excellent take on “Love and Anger” by Kate Bush. Maybe wedding band isn’t in the cards as a retirement plan for these guys, but that’s okay, we have Me First and the Gimme Gimmes for that.
Nada Surf is the type of band that you wouldn’t blame for mellowing out with age, but maybe they went a little TOO mellow with their 2020 outing. It’s cool though, because this dropped literally a month before Covid hit, and we needed a little something to take the edge off our “Tiger King” binge. Caws even gives us a fun nod to “Popular” on the bridge of “Something I Should Do” with a stream-of-consciousness spoken word rant about… farms and social media?
Around this time, the band decided to level up their street cred and invite Guided By Voices guitarist Doug Gillard into the fold as the fourth wheel, and the results are every bit as awesome as you’d expect. Selections such as the driving title track and “New Bird” feature a nice extra bite in the guitar section, while “Out of the Dark” and “Victory’s Yours” provide all those warm, fuzzy, flannel sheets on the first morning of fall feels that you’ve come to rely on this band for.
The band’s first release with Gillard on second guitar and the fuzz gets cranked up to 11 on selections like the “Clear Eye, Clouded Mind” and “Looking Through,” evoking the youthful energy of “High/Low” while “When I Was Young” and “Teenage Dreams” balance it all out through a wizened middle age gaze. This is the record you might be able to sneak on when you’re with your punk friends and not get beat up for it.
In a perfect world where all is good and just, Nada Surf would be best remembered for “Always Love,” the impossibly perfect lead single that earned the band a much-deserved second wind of popularity in the mid-aughts. But much like those pictures of you in your Marilyn Manson phase, the sins of the ‘90s can never be fully washed clean. Anyway, the rest of this album is damn near perfect too, except for “Blankest Year,” a strange anemic hoe-down in which Caws unconvincingly proclaims “ahh fuck it, I’m gonna have a party.” It’s almost like hearing a priest drop an F-bomb in his sermon. It feels a little uncouth and embarrassing.
It’s no surprise that the band often leans heavily on this record in their live sets. These 11 tracks were written for the sold-out rooms and festival main stages they rightfully earned. The chords are big and sparkly and the hooks are sharp on standout tracks like “Beautiful Beat” and the post-emo crowd favorite “Weightless.” This album should be issued to every burgeoning indie band as an example of how to be radio-friendly without coming off as totally cringe.