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Hit Conservative Horror Movie Just B-Roll Footage of City Downtown

HAZLEHURST, Miss. — Indie horror movie “The Scary Place” is leaving primarily Republican audiences in freshly shitted-and pissed-in pants due to its terrifying, uneventful depictions of a city, moviegoers reported.

“I set out to create the most terrifying film since the dystopian hellscape known as ‘Barbie,’ and I believe I have achieved my vision,” claimed Skyler McLoughlin, who proudly admits that his entire concept of life in American cities comes from Tucker Carlson. “So I took my camera phone to downtown Hoboken, set it up on a tripod, hit the record button, and jumped into a dumpster. I got footage of thousands of people, many of whom would have robbed or killed me if they had known to look in the dumpster. ‘The Scary Place’ serves as a testament to my bravery.”

Conservative viewers applauded McCoughlin for staying true to his vision despite risking his life by walking in an American city downtown during the daytime.

“I’ve never seen anything so frightening in my life; I vomited twice upon seeing a slightly out-of-focus lowrider with hydraulics cruise past the camera,” admitted Tammy Oakley, mother of 11, and reported terror to all Starbucks locations in the region. “The movie theater is trying to get me to pay for the seat that I utterly ruined. But it’s against my religion to fix anything I destroy so I refuse. Anyways, our church is offering a double feature of ‘The Scary Place’ and ‘The Sound of Freedom,’ so I’ll be sure to wear a diaper and bring a barf bag to that one.”

Less politically minded audience members offered a more critical analysis of McCoughlin’s debut film.

“If I’m being really generous, I could say that he was going for a sort of ‘Skinamarink’-type thing, but that’s insulting to ‘Skinamarink’ and anyone with taste,” opined movie critic Janine Kosley. “It really is just B-roll footage like you’d see in a newscast; people out of focus walking around. I can’t even begin to see what is frightening about this, but I’m also not a fucking idiot. I guess if all you know is a tiny town with one stoplight and seven dialysis facilities, cities might be a bit overwhelming at first. But give me a break and grow the hell up, red states.”

McLoughlin has announced that his next work will be an 800-page horror novel titled “The Hauntings of Chicago, Venezuela, San Francisco, and Mexico.”