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How We Turned Our Tour Van Into a Food Truck by Never Throwing Out These McDonald’s Bags

We were already on a pay-to-play tour–How could we be expected to pay for our own food? Lucky for us–a shitty reward system and our bass player, Tony, had our backs. Before getting fired from McDonald’s, he’d scan in customer’s points on his own phone. It took management 2 months to catch it, but by then our tour was starting so it didn’t matter.

Despite fully funding our food, Tony still wasn’t pulling his weight, so we put him on trash duty and load-in. Even though he did give us the van from his failed food truck, Beastie Burger. He would’ve stayed in business, but Mr. Beast and The Beastie Boys argued for so long over who had the right to sue him that he got bored and quit.

Three weeks into the tour, he busted his shoulder and we actually had to help unload the van. Through this, we discovered countless bags of McDonald’s remnants underneath the equipment. The food hadn’t aged a day either!

Some guy walking past saw the old signage on the van and the food in our hands and started ordering before we could stop him. We gave him a half-eaten burger–not even wrapped in anything. He took it unflinchingly, praising us for our “unique angle of business.” Before we knew it, we had a line to our van that went all the way back to the venue’s exit.

Business was booming, we even got profiled on the Food Network. If they just looked inside the van, fans would see we don’t even have anything to cook the food. It’s just Tony clipping his toenails and yelling “Order’s up!” every few minutes!

I’d say we feel bad about selling weeks-old food to people–but we don’t. More of our audience buys this shit than our merch. Hell, there’s a McDonald’s down the street that sells it for half the price. But wrap it up in one of the T-shirts we can’t seem to sell and suddenly we’re groundbreaking enough to pay $10 a burger.

After our tour wraps up next week, we’re gonna go on hiatus. We need to rack up more points to keep the business going–but Tony’s been blacklisted from being rehired. Once the rest of us get fired, we’ll run another tour–we’re not playing any music though. Why waste time with that when we could be actually making money?