Six Normal Life Tasks that Are Now Viral TikTok Challenges

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Social media trends come and go so quickly it’s hard to know what the hell is cool anymore. When it comes to TikTok, entire memes and trends will pass you by if you blink at the wrong time. Fortunately, our society’s need to commoditize and gamify every waking second of existence has allowed even the most mundane tasks to become a series of challenges and dares.

Making Small Talk with Your Neighbor

Try the Chit Chat Challenge. You’ve lived next to your neighbor for two years and still don’t know his name, so can you converse with them for more than three minutes? The hardest part is the phrases, “Nice weather we’re having” and “Did you catch the game last night?” are strictly forbidden. Bonus points if you can record the interaction without making it look like you’re about to run to the HOA and accuse them of stealing your mail.

Try and Look Cool Dancing at Your Second Cousin’s Wedding

Do you have what it takes to impress a room full of family members that you haven’t seen in a decade? This is more of a challenge for millennials who have no idea what artists the DJ is playing, so unless you plan on doing the “running man” for three hours straight you better bring your A-game.

Boiling a Pot of Water

There is a shocking number of legal adults who do not know how to boil water. In the name of all that is holy, it’s two fucking steps. Each day we are inching closer to midnight on the Idiocracy doomsday clock and may soon find ourselves wondering again if the sun revolves around the Earth. In the name of all that is holy just prove that you can make macaroni and cheese.

Taking a Nap Because You’re Tired, Not Because You’re Depressed

Everyone has failed this challenge. Don’t even bother, it doesn’t matter.

Driving Alone for 30 Minutes with No Music or Podcasts

Hey, remember being alone with your thoughts? Try recording yourself driving to work or whatever destination causes you the most stress without a podcast about dead white women or the same album you’re been listening to since you were 17. You might finally figure out how to get your life together, but there have been a few challengers who’ve tried this and gone insane. Remember: if you stare into the interstate, the interstate stares back.

Spend Less than $300 at the Grocery Store

Jesus once said that man cannot survive on bread alone, but that was before it cost $7 a loaf. Since it costs half a paycheck if you want produce not seasoned by pesticides, those who’ve answered the challenge have found nifty life hacks to stretch their budget. Spoiler alert: it’s shoplifting.

Man Horrified to Learn He’s Spent Last 30 Seconds Rocking Out to Spotify Ad for Dude Wipes

Posted on by Matt Husser

SEATTLE — Local man Tom Perry was absolutely disgusted after he learned he spent roughly 30 seconds rocking out to a Spotify ad for “Dude Wipes” at a house party, sources in the room confirm.

“The playlist was on shuffle and the song was so convincing, it sounded like some Creed song so I started singing along. It wasn’t until after I sang ‘Can you wipe me higher? To a place where my heinie is clean?’ in the Scott Stapp voice that I realized it was a parody ad for Dude Wipes,” said Perry, dabbing his tears with a Dude Wipe he purchased later that day. “It’s not my fault, there’s no way I could have known. I mean, what kind of a monster puts on a playlist on Spotify with ads at a house party?”

Perry’s friend Alex Turner watched in horror as his friend humiliated himself with his singalong in front of the entire party.

“I feel awful for Tom, he even held up his iPhone trying to Shazam the song before I could stop him,” said Turner, sending his friend a supportive text. “I told him the ads are really kind of good these days and this sort of thing happens all the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that it happened to me too. I’m just glad no one was around when I got tricked by an ad for erectile dysfunction medication, because rapping ‘I got 99 problems but a soft dick ain’t one’ isn’t a memory I want to share.”

While hapless consumers continue to fall for the catchy marketing songs, one Spotify executive revealed it was all part of their sinister marketing strategy.

“You think it’s just a coincidence that every Spotify ad song just happens to be an insidious earworm for the most embarrassing products imaginable? No, this is all part of our marketing ploy to coerce our customers to buy a premium subscription to save themselves from future embarrassment,” said Spotify VP of Marketing Perry Sinclair. “You should have seen our subscriptions skyrocket after our infamous ‘Sir Mix-a-Lot—Tushy Bidet’ collab.”

At press time, Perry was seen furiously Googling Imagine Dragons songs featured in advertisements to make sure he hadn’t accidentally enjoyed their music in any form.

Top 20 Joy Division Songs That Were Really a Bad Idea to Play at Your Niece’s Eighth Birthday Party

Posted on by Bobby Korec

Joy Division is an absolutely legendary band, but for some reason, third graders can’t quite wrap this concept around their prepubescent minds. That’s why it felt like a good move to play a few JD tracks at little Maiya’s eighth birthday party this year as a teachable moment for them. But unfortunately, here are the 20 Joy Division songs that were a terrible idea to put on during a child’s birthday party. (Listen along to the playlist)

20. “Atrocity Exhibition” (1980)

You would think a bunch of eight-year-olds would at least have a little bit of music taste, like this six-minute opening track that is equivalent to an A24 slow burn where grief was the enemy the whole time. But no, they just want to hear JoJo Siwa. Again.

19. “The Eternal” (1980)

Of all the Joy Division tracks that make you want to walk alone in a dark and foggy forest while thinking about how all of life is suffering until death but perhaps meaninglessness isn’t so bad if you embrace it, this one takes the cake. Try explaining this to a bunch of eight-year-olds though.

18. “Interzone” (1979)

No one at this party is wearing one of those squiggly line Joy Division shirts, so it’s really difficult to spot fans of this band. But judging by everyone’s reaction to this song, it appears none of the children have even heard of them. Clearly bad parenting, when my sister was pregnant I told her she wouldn’t make a good mother, this proves it.

17. “Twenty Four Hours” (1980)

The cover of Joy Division’s second album “Closer” isn’t nearly as iconic as their first one. But to these kids, no Joy Division album cover is recognizable no matter how many times you show them Google images of them while everyone is eating cake.

16. “Insight” (1979)

This song may start slow, but about halfway through there are sounds of what appears to be lasers being fired at a dramatic and unrelenting rate. Doing the finger gun thing to pantomime them seemed like a good idea at the time. But the side-eye looks and sneering by the entire party make it seem like it was not.

15. “Heart and Soul” (1980) 

Putting on this song will only frighten the children because it sounds like the entrance music for a vampire. This is not as badass as it appears to be. Kids are historically anti-monster.

14. “Wilderness” (1979)

This one has a little groove to it, but don’t let that fool you. These kids are smarter than being tricked by post-punk. Not to mention, it still doesn’t pair well with jumping in a bouncy castle and ball pit. Children typically have weird standards for social gatherings.

13. “A Means to an End” (1980)

After singer Ian Curtis passed away, the surviving members of the band went on to have a ton of success as New Order. Unfortunately, not even the adults seem to care about this kind of music history. This why you shouldn’t talk to anyone at a party.

12. “Decades” (1980)

For some reason, the kids at this event seem to respond to music that is energetic and upbeat, and lie down to take a nap almost immediately when they hear songs like “Decades.” It’s like they’re seeing something Joy Division fans aren’t.

11. “Atmosphere” (1980)

This track could totally work at the party if you just changed the music, lyrics, vocals, production, song structure, and overall aesthetic. It’s only a few dozen tweaks away from being beloved on a national level.

10. “These Days” (1980)

Losing aux cord privileges at a child’s eighth birthday isn’t the worst thing in the world. But having kids laugh and point at you for having objectively irredeemable music taste can be devastating. Why does this keep happening?

9. “New Dawn Fades” (1979)

There’s a nice little build to this song that went completely over the heads of these kids, which doesn’t make sense because they all went nuts when someone played Taylor Swift. Could it be that the general public likes T-Swift more than Joy Division? I don’t believe it.

8. “Shadowplay” (1979)

Oh great, the parents hosting this party hired Disney princess impersonators and all the girls are losing their collective shits over them. I was hoping for more a more Nosferstu vibe. Joy Division and Disney just don’t go as well together as one would think.

7. “She’s Lost Control” (1979)

Just because you figured out how to get this exact percussion sound on your electric drum set doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to provide a live demonstration while everyone is singing the “Happy Birthday” song. I don’t get it either.

6. “Dead Souls” (1979)

Telling everyone that you are going to put on a song called “Dead Souls” probably does not make for a good first impression at this kind of event. But hey, at least you’ll never be invited to another family-friendly function again, whether you like it or not.

5. “Isolation” (1980)

This one has a cool little synth thing throughout the track. That might remind the kids of something more mainstream like Gary Numan or Depeche Mode. But it turns out, these little snots don’t even know who they are. They have so much to learn and there’s so little time to educate them at this party.

4.“Digital” (1980)

Remember that meme of the guy in the corner of the party saying “they don’t know that I’m a (fill in the blank)” and the other partygoers are dancing and having a good time anyway? This is what it feels like being a public Joy Division fan at a party mainly targeting elementary school kids.

3. “Transmission” (1979)

There’s video evidence of Ian Curtis doing a weird little dance where he pulsates frantically and almost flails his arms as if they were independent from his body. This is not what the children expected to see after you said, “Hey kids, want to see something cool?”

2. “Love Will Tear Us Apart (1980)

So, you went into this party saying to yourself, “Don’t be the weird uncle who talks about Joy Division the whole time” but you still did it anyway, you sick fuck. It is a quick reminder that you’re better off listening to this band by yourself where you are completely isolated from the rest of civilization, so you don’t ruin any more cheerful vibes.

1. “Disorder” (1979)

Bassist Peter Hook is a bit of a legend with his signature style of playing really high up on the instrument. But encouraging our youth of today to embrace anything higher up than the sixth fret on a bass seems more difficult than it sounds, especially to eight-year-olds who are more interested in unicorns. Bunch of losers.

Listen along to the playlist:

Alt Rock Band Hoping for a Big Hit So They Can Whine About Playing It

Posted on by Liam Stephenson

SEATTLE — Legendary underground band Vomit Asylum admitted they would love to break through to the mainstream with a song adored by the masses that the band resents playing live, sources confirmed.

“All the coolest bands hate their most popular songs,” said Vomit Asylum lead singer Sage Harpoon, chugging a mango Red Bull. “It’s part of being an alternative band – you make no money for a decade, get a hit song, and throw a hissy fit when a sold-out Crypto.com arena doesn’t know any of the deeper album cuts. Take Radiohead, for example. Every time they play ‘Creep,’ Thom Yorke looks like a sad criminal awaiting his beheading. The same goes for R.E.M. Michael Stipe hangs his shiny, sad head anytime ‘Shiny Happy People’ is even mentioned. Kurt Cobain looked like he’d rather be doing heroin than playing ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.’ I think that’s just cause he was addicted to heroin, though.”

Ian Kregg, a Vomit Asylum groupie that follows the group’s tour van along the West Coast, couldn’t want anything less.

“They haven’t even sold out yet and they are already sellouts in my book,” exclaimed Kregg, also chugging a mango Redbull. “What happened to the artistry? What happened to integrity? I remember when they couldn’t even afford amps. Hell, when they played gigs on my aunt Darlene’s patio, all you could hear was drums and the crowd booing. Man, those were the golden days. Hell, I remember when they couldn’t afford INSTRUMENTS. They would go on stage and hum their parts. That’s punk rock. Sadness and financial instability.”

Record executives, on the other hand, are clueless as to why bands like Vomit Asylum might resent their popular songs.

“Yeah, maybe we force modern bands to upload sped up, slowed down, remixed, shortened, extended, clean, dirty, nightcore, and 3/4 jazz swing versions of their hit song to TikTok,” admitted Geffen Records executive Jeff Waddacash. “But that’s the business! Music isn’t about notes and melodies, it’s about numbers and graphs and shit. If you’re not on a curated Spotify playlist like ‘RapCaviar’ or ‘Grimace’s Indie Slutfest’ then you’re basically burning your label’s money. Plus every artist has to have a goddamn fast food item now. That’s why our recently signed band Vomit Asylum will be teaming up with Wendy’s for the all-new ‘Vomit Value Meal.” The meal comes with 50 spicy nuggets, a half-eaten Frosty, and a menthol cigarette.”

At press time, everyone in Vomit Asylum admitted they were disappointed when they didn’t die at age 27.

Drone Metal Fan Hearing Slurpee Machine in the Distance Wonders “What Band Is This?!”

Posted on by Matt McInerney

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley was recently seen in his neighborhood gas station murmuring, “What band is this?” as a Slurpee machine hummed in the distance, sources reported.

“I was browsing Combo flavors when this faint, almost celestial sound caught my ear. I wandered around the store, utterly intrigued. There were no speakers in sight, but I was convinced that B flat was emanating from a vintage Orange amp,” Riley recalled fondly. “I kept asking myself, ‘What album is this?’ The woman behind the counter had no clue what I was talking about. Shazam had no idea, either. I never did find out what it was, but to this day, I’m still convinced it’s an undiscovered masterpiece.”

Rhea Rivas, the bewildered clerk, finally figured out what was going on.

“Almost once a week, some long-haired man in a black t-shirt, occasionally a cloak, would ask me about the music. I never play music in here. We don’t even have a sound system. For the longest time, I wondered what the hell they were talking about,” said Rivas. “It didn’t click until the day the Slurpee machine broke down. Suddenly, these cloaked figures stopped browsing aimlessly and instead just grabbed their Full Throttles quickly and left in silence. I still can’t fathom how the dull hum that haunts my dreams can be mistaken for music.”

Shepherd Duncan, a drone metal luminary famous for his album “Grimoire of the Fallow Earth 7: The Serpent’s Apple Builds Temptation in Eden’s Grift,” found this story oddly relatable.

“I’ve never shared this before, but ‘7’ was not purely my own creation. It just came to me one day. It was actually inspired by the frozen food section at the Trader Joe’s near my house. The first time I heard it, I was sure it was some divine inspiration. But no, it was just the freezer humming alongside the vegan sausage alternatives,” Duncan revealed. “I returned with a tape recorder, then tried to recreate every detail in the studio. That’s how I recorded the album that will surely headline my obituary. I owe it all to that freezer.”

At press time, Riley was seen sneaking a white noise machine out of his toddler’s room, frantically switching settings in the hope of recreating this so-called “masterpiece.”

How To Make It Clear I’m Wearing a Blazer With Jeans in a Post-Punk Way Not a 2012 Business Casual Way

Posted on by Ellie Fitzpatrick

When I put on my outfit this morning, I really thought I looked fantastic. Black skinny jeans, Chelsea boots, button-down shirt, skinny-tie, slouchy blazer with the sleeves rolled up. But when I stepped into the produce aisle, my ego was shattered when a woman in an infinity scarf gave me a knowing nod. Someone else asked me if it was mock trial season already. No one understood that I wore a full suit to Walmart as a post-ironic neo-mod statement.

Christ, do you people even know about Public Image LTD? When was the last time you twerked to Big Audio Dynamite?

I’m really not asking for much. I just want to look cool enough to not get cropped out of a group shot in “Stop Making Sense.” I look like I’m president of The Young Libertarian club. Every time I get a haircut there’s a very fine line between Paul Weller and Debbie the middle-aged divorcee. I tried to do a little makeup for an androgynous, new-wave look, but everyone I spoke to kept complimenting me for “expressing femininity in the workplace.” My Elvis Costello-inspired glasses are making strangers ask if I’ve seen New Girl. I don’t know, have you seen “The Young Ones?”

The 2000s ruined it all—80s nostalgia made a bunch of cool stuff lame. Remember when SNL was edgy and alternative? Fucking millennials. “Defending pop punk” used to mean upholding the legacy of The Buzzcocks and The Undertones. Anemic-looking white boys singing about their exes just haven’t been the same since Y2K. Skinny jeans used to mean something. One day I’m going to hunt down The Strokes. They did this to me.

Look, trends are cyclical, right? Mark your calendars, 2024 is going to be the biggest year for post-punk since 1982- David Byrne’s already getting a revival, so it can only go up from here! Taylor Swift is going to release a synth-driven album with a guest appearance from Thomas Dolby—he was basically the Ice Spice of the 80s, right? XTC are going to reunite, and they’re going to tour in the United States for all 37 of their Midwestern fans. Craig will let me play music at parties again. All my friends will finally watch 24 Hour Party People with me.

God, I would have been so fucking cool in Manchester in 1979. Tony Wilson would have loved me.

Ten Songs We Listened To This Week To Distract Our Friends From How Dumb Our Wrapped Looked

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

You’ve survived another holiday and spent the entire week scouring the internet for deals on things you otherwise wouldn’t think to buy on a normal day. While your retail therapy provided you with a high you never thought would wane, you find yourself staring into the Ultra-HD void of your new TV and feeling absolutely nothing. This is because material objects will never make up for the fact that your life is duller than a plastic takeout knife. Before you consider doing something drastic like reading a book or attending a singles mixer, you might want to consider music.

Music has been proven to increase both dopamine and serotonin levels in the brain, while simultaneously giving listeners the illusion of having a fully formed personality. Thanks to most art forms being commodified to the point of total irrelevancy, it’s also one of the cheapest things to get into. Because we know picking what to listen to is overwhelming, we’ve taken the time to compile ten tracks to get you out of your seemingly insurmountable rut. (Listen along to the full playlist)

Van Dale “Frosty”

If you’ve been finding yourself wondering why Christmas music isn’t more fucked up and terrifying, there’s a good chance you haven’t heard Van Dale’s latest foray into the genre. The mysterious Ohio trio quietly released their newest LP ‘Dale Xmas’ last week, and it’s filled with fuzzed-out reimaginings of Christmas classics, including quite possibly the most disorienting version of ‘Frosty the Snowman’ ever put to tape. This is saying something considering how horrifying the actual recording is when you really sit down to consider the reality of the carol’s story. Those who enjoy whimsy and think the Flaming Lips Christmas album isn’t weird enough are sure to find an instant classic here.

Minor Threat “Filler – Out of Step Outtake”

You’ve long told your friends that you’ve heard every single Minor Threat recording in existence, often while making fun of them for their shirt. Now, thanks to a newly released EP of studio outtakes from the ‘Out of Step’ sessions, your pals finally know how much of a fucking liar you really are. Released in celebration of ‘Out of Step’s 40th anniversary, the three-song EP features two earlier Minor Threat songs fully fleshed out with the added second guitar of Brian Baker, as well as an unreleased instrumental. So you can quickly recover your clout, Dischord Records has released all three tracks on a fancy clear 7-inch. It’s the perfect stocking stuffer for yourself, or your most insufferable friend.

Omar Rodríguez-López “Your Own Worst Enemy”

Prolific to a near-fault, Omar Rodríguez-López’s recorded output is as massive as it is criminally overlooked. Recently, he announced the impending release of a staggering 57-LP box set containing all of his studio efforts since he began recording in 2004. At least one of the albums featured, ‘Is It the Clouds?’ has never been released. From that album, Rodríguez-López has released the folk-pop single ‘Your Own Worst Enemy.’ Clocking in at under three minutes, it almost feels like a miniscule offering from the performer’s typically verbose efforts. It’s all made perfectly satiating when the beat drops and the chorus hook drills its way into your brain.

Militarie Gun “Never Fucked Up Twice (feat. Bully)”/“Very High (Under the Sun)”

Oft branded as one of the most exciting post-hardcore bands to hit the scene in years, Militarie Gun can more accurately be described as genre-less. Nowhere is this more evident than on the newly reimagined tracks from their sophomore album ‘Life Under the Gun.’ ‘Never Fucked Up Twice’ offers a blissed-out chillwave arrangement that is bolstered by a feature from contemporaries Bully, whereas ‘Very High (Under the Sun)’ chisels the original’s scream-along hooks down to a bare-bones whisper. What’s revealed as the layers peel back is a band that can not only kick your chest in, but lull you to sleep before you take your final breath in the pit.

It’s finally December, which means many of us are looking back on another wasted year wondering where it all went wrong. Many streaming services make this process easier by compiling users’ yearly listening histories and packaging them into convenient and concise infographics. It’s a great way to make corporate data mining feel fun and, most importantly, lets us know which friends to mercilessly roast for having Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” in their top five songs for the fifth consecutive year in a row. To build camaraderie as well as figure out who to boot from the organization, we asked – read, forced – our entire staff to share screenshots of their year-end lists. Here are a few of the highlights.

King Krule “Out Getting Ribs”

Good God, someone’s fucking pretentious. For those who don’t know or simply aren’t cool enough, King Krule – aka Archie Marshall – burst onto the UK indie scene as a bit of a wunderkind. His jazz/hip hop influenced sound coupled with his terrifyingly unique voice made him an instant hero to insufferable hipsters around the world. His songs are pretty good too. Judging that this track – which rides high in our writer’s top songs of the year – is from his debut album, he has entered the esteemed halls of “their earlier stuff was waaaay better” artists.

Weezer “Longtime Sunshine”

This is such a deep cut that we’re pretty sure the intern who had this in his ‘Wrapped’ list played it on repeat the entire night before the results dropped to hide the fact that his actual favorite Weezer song is ‘A Little Bit of Love.’ It’s a common tactic and we see straight through it. There’s no shame in liking a bit of trash Weezer, but unbeknownst to many naive fools like our dear intern, being a loud ‘Pinkerton’ fan is somehow even more annoying.

Ghost “Jesus He Knows Me”

There’s nothing quite as unforgivable as a ’90s era Phil Collins-led Genesis track. Some would argue the only thing worse is Ghost covering a ’90s era Phil Collins led Genesis track, which is exactly what they did on this year’s EP ‘Phantomime.’ It’s honestly not a bad effort and its accompanying video is a pretty fun affair. Still, upon its release our Managing Editor called the EP a shameless cash grab while burning one of her hundreds of Ghost tour tees in the office. Based on the extremely high ranking of this track on her playlist, we’re pretty sure this display was all in a futile effort to garner clout and intimidate our interns further into submission.

100 Gecs “Hollywood Baby”

One of our writers spent the majority of the year claiming they didn’t ‘get the hype’ surrounding the freak-pop duo 100 Gecs. According to them, those belonging to the Gec fandom are just people who are too ‘chickenshit’ to admit that Limp Bizkit is the greatest band of all time. Well, well, well unnamed writer, the day of reckoning is upon you now! No matter how many times you say this song only ranked so high because of how much research you needed to do to make fun of them, we know the truth. Just accept it like the rest of us and be happy for once.

Big Thief “Simulation Swarm”

As part of our Mental Health Service Package, any employee who is caught listening to any single Big Thief song more than 10 times in a fiscal week is immediately recommended for crisis counseling. According to our staff’s user data, he has listened to this song exclusively a staggering 657 times this month alone. While we can’t blame them due to the song’s hypnotic guitars and cryptic lyrics that beg for maddening analysis, it is our duty to inquire and investigate their well-being. Turns out he’s totally fine, but we’ve been extra nice to him this week as a precautionary measure.

Listen to the ever-evolving playlist:

Friend Not Able to Make It to Show “In Spirit” Either

Posted on by Mike Moran

SEDONA, Ariz. — Local man Shelly Peabody informed his friends in The Tent Pole Pedestal that not only would he not be able to attend their show physically, he would also be missing the show spiritually, disappointed sources confirmed.

“I’m sorry, but for my own mental health I really need to sit this one out on all levels,” said Peabody while relaxing at home. “Normally, I would promise to make it in spirit and ask them to play extra hard for me, but I simply cannot send my spirit to a show on a Tuesday night with six opening bands. I’ve done a lot of spiritual healing in recent years, and my shaman would be furious if I subjected myself to such a soul-sucking experience. Quite frankly, their cover of ‘Wish You Were Here’ nearly broke my spirit last time.”

Members of The Tent Pole Pedestal were disappointed to hear this as they have come to embrace their spectral fan base, who they have dubbed their, “purgatory posse.”

“It’s sad because honestly, we have been really successful with the spirit demographic. We only sold four physical tickets, but we had at least 75 friends there in spirit, so it was basically a packed house,” said singer/synth player Coster Fromm. “It makes us play harder knowing our friends are sending a part of themselves that is so important to the human condition. Sure, people’s spirits don’t buy a ton of drinks, or pay admission, but I know of a lot of seances that would love to have our attendance.”

Shaman Denise Cravien, an expert on out-of-body experiences, alchemy, and Reba, warned against the practice of sending one’s spirit, to local “friend rock” shows you don’t want to attend yourself.

“Astral projection is a sacred art of the ancient mystics that should be used for enlightenment, and transcendence. You don’t just do it to make your friends feel better about themselves. If you have a buddy that’s starting a noise project you need to be upfront and tell them the truth and stop stringing them along,” said Cravien. “The astral plane is not there for you to avoid enduring an 8-minute fretless bass solo.”

At press time, Peabody reportedly underwent complete transformative plastic surgery and moved to Europe in order to dodge his promise of “definitely being at the next show.”

20 Bright Eyes Songs That Don’t Even Begin to Illustrate How Bad My Seasonal Depression Has Gotten

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Winter is right around the corner and like many of you, I’ve been frolicking in crunchy leaves, wearing all of my stylish coats and sweaters, and will become absolutely inconsolable within the next few weeks.

I often look to soothe myself with the music of vulnerable songwriters who articulate my harrowing levels of existential dread that is often amplified by the seasonal transition. It’s nice to have something to relate to while desperately clinging to the edge of reality during a cold and unforgiving autumnal descent into madness.

Bright Eyes is typically a good starting point, but even the melancholy nature of Conor Oberst’s lyricism has started to lose its edge. Here are twenty of their songs that don’t even scratch the surface of my unbridled seasonal anguish. (Listen to the playlist while you read along)

“The Awful Sweetness of Escaping Sweat”

This summer may have been the hottest recorded season in human history, and while I am excited to no longer be the sweatiest person during brunch – it’s a glandular problem – I am unlikely to find anything ‘sweet’ about the debilitating insomnia that plagues me during the colder months. While Conor describes hopping into ice baths to cure his alcohol poisoning, I have been taking cold plunges just to feel again as well as cure alcohol poisoning.

“If Winter Ends”

A fever is wished for in this classic to hopefully warm the subject’s bones during an unforgiving winter. Sadly, I’ve somehow gotten COVID three times since the temperatures dropped and I think this song neglects to mention the associated chills with said fever.

“Weather Reports”

Long distance relationships can be hard. It seems the affair described in this song was cut short after a multiseparation. My ex cut things off after moving a mere forty minutes away, citing an ‘insurmountable distance’ between the two of us. Pretty sure I win this round.

“One And Done”

While I do say ‘Oh, My God’ quite often at the abject horrors of everyday life, I simply cannot relate to the concept of ‘one and done.’ Maybe if the song were called ‘one followed by an endless myriad of disappointments’ it would resonate more with me.

“Saturday As Usual”

This track definitely stinks of dread with its lines of crying in a bathroom and its suggestion that the world is becoming meaner, but the verses actually depict a pretty active social life for the narrator. My typical Saturday involves speaking to no one and sleeping for hours on end. If I died, it would take weeks for anyone to realize I’ve been gone. Maybe Netflix should have a feature that calls 911 if you haven’t dismissed the ‘Are You There?’ screen for more than a
couple of days.

“Sunrise, Sunset”

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been sleeping close to 14 hours a day. I haven’t seen a sunrise since we set the clocks back and it’s doubtful I’ll be seeing a sunset anytime soon. If I could sleep through the entire winter like some human/bear hybrid it wouldn’t make a difference to me or any of my loved ones.

“Nothing Gets Crossed Out”

Laundry, dishes, cleaning, you name it. Like Sysiphus and his rock, I am doomed to repeat the same menial tasks while AI is being employed to do useless things like write and act. While this song depicts a never-ending to-do list, I don’t know what Conor is bitching about in this one. Most of the lyrics are about doing a ton of drugs and getting drunk with Tim Kasher. If I had any friends I doubt any of them would be as cool as the guy from Cursive.

“Blue Christmas”

Oh Jesus, don’t even get me started on the Holidays. My step-brother makes ten figures a year and my Dad loves him more than his own children. I’m gonna have to make small talk with that asshole at my Mom’s Christmas Eve party. Does the horror ever end? While charming, this cover of the Elvis Presley classic doesn’t even scratch the surface of my Holiday woes.

“Hit the Switch”

Oh boo-hoo, Conor. You’re a functioning alcoholic who hates his friends. Join the fucking club. I would absolutely love it if my reality was feeling ‘completely alone at a table of friends.’ Instead I make prolonged eye contact with my cat for hours at a time in my studio apartment and wonder how long it will take her to eat my face if I perish.

“The Movement of a Hand”

The lyrics to this one illustrate the lonely feeling of coming home to no one after a long day. It describes in detail the route its protagonist takes to get to their apartment and the minute depressing things they do once they are able to shed the facade of happiness. It’s much more relatable when you actually leave your house, which is something I have not done in nearly thirty days.

“Going For the Gold”

On this cut, Conor suggests that if he could ‘talk to himself like he was someone else’ he might not be such an ‘asshole all the time.’ I hate to break it to old Obes, but I talk to myself all day every day seeing as no one else will listen. If anything, I’ve become more of an asshole.

“On My Way To Work”

I work remotely, which is great because I never have to put on pants, but also a bummer because I don’t get to participate in a fun commute like the one featured in these lyrics. Sure, driving past a graveyard while contemplating your own mortality might not seem like anyone’s idea of ‘fun,’ but when you rarely go outside, even a dump filled with ghosts and dead people starts to sound like Disneyland.

“Drunk Kid Catholic”

I don’t mean to sound like a prude, but I’m pretty sure this song is offensive to both Catholics and Drunk Kids alike with its themes of inebriation and promiscuity. While Conor bitches about being drunk all the time and sleeping with multiple women to alleviate the pain of a breakup, I have to cut my Black Labels down with water to save money while getting ghosted by all my matches on Tinder.

“If The Brakeman Turns My Way”

Panic does indeed ‘grip my body,’ turning my heart into a ‘hummingbird.’ Unlike Mr. Oberst, though, I will never be able to afford a transformative trip to Cassadaga, NY to ‘level out.’ Maybe if I could motivate myself to get a better job it would be attainable, but as it stands I barely have the gumption to complete my responsibilities at my current and depressingly shitty one.

“Ladder Song”

Conor claims that no one knows where the ladder goes. If we’re talking about the creepy ladder in my coat closet that I climbed out of drunken boredom the other night, I beg to differ. Turns out it leads to an attic crawl space but more specifically, a terrifyingly large raccoon nest. By the end of my discovery I needed fourteen stitches and several rabies shots. My old roommate would have stopped me. I miss my friends.

“Hot Car in the Sun”

The heat recently went out in my car. My mechanic says it’s a thirty-dollar part and he’ll cut me a deal on labor if I bring it in. But what’s the point? I don’t really have anywhere to go anyway.

“Waste of Paint”

I read online that painting your living space in a light shade of blue can help boost serotonin when sunlight is not readily available. What I did not read is that you should not try to paint your entire living room with zero ventilation and no mask. When I came to, I had been passed out for days and had zero missed calls. Also I must have tripped when I conked out because the entire bucket I bought had spilled onto my carpet. I’m not sure what this song is about, but it can’t be as depressing as that.

“Lua”

This track is about a codependent relationship that has run its course. It is often cited as one of the saddest songs ever written, but all I can think about when I hear it is that the narrator at least has someone. It’s been six years since my last relationship, and that one only lasted three weeks before she had to leave for Space Camp. God I’m so lonely.

Listen to the playlist:

Theater Removes Front Row Seats So Dads Can Watch “Napoleon” Standing a Few Feet From Screen

Posted on by Zachary Wolf

FREDERICK, Md. – A local movie theater recently removed the front rows of seats so the throngs of attending dads could watch “Napoleon” while standing a few feet from the screen, relay sources in tricorn hats.

“Not a bad setup at all,” said local father of three Tim Brunson, barely able to contain his excitement. “I hate going to the movies because they complain when you get out of your seat to meander back and forth across the screen for 10 or 15 minutes. I got a good job, I work hard for my money, and the last thing I need is some snot-nosed punk telling me to sit back in my seat. I bought a ticket, damn it! And how I watch the movie should be up to me. But now I’ll be watching one of history’s most accomplished generals while standing with my hand resting comfortably on the giant leather phone case on my belt. So that’s a pretty solid deal if you ask me.”

Theatergoer Sandra Fokina wishes the theater would take renovations a step further, however.

“All those dads just stand there shouting unsolicited advice at the screen for the entire movie,” reported Fokina while liking an Instagram reel someone sent her without watching it. “Not only do they point out every tactical error Napoleon makes on the battlefield, but they’re also highlighting technical errors as well. Everyone noticed that one shot of the Duke of Wellington was out of focus, they didn’t need to talk about it for the next half an hour. It’s so annoying. If only they’d put up a soundproof booth for these guys, maybe the rest of us could enjoy the movie in peace.”

Trent Newgarden, the theater’s manager, says the renovation project nearly missed the movie’s big premiere.

“Truth be told, a bunch of old dudes stood around monitoring the construction and it freaked the workers out,” said Newgarden as he increased concession prices by 300%. “As such, the work was delayed because we kept having to shoo them away. I assume they’re all retired, because these dads would show up to the work site even before the crew did. Then they’d just sip coffee and occasionally nod to one another. None of them ever said anything, thank god, but sometimes that’s even worse.”

At press time, Brunson was seen writing down Napoleon facts to share with other dads at the next screening.