SEATTLE — Local man Tom Perry was absolutely disgusted after he learned he spent roughly 30 seconds rocking out to a Spotify ad for “Dude Wipes” at a house party, sources in the room confirm.
“The playlist was on shuffle and the song was so convincing, it sounded like some Creed song so I started singing along. It wasn’t until after I sang ‘Can you wipe me higher? To a place where my heinie is clean?’ in the Scott Stapp voice that I realized it was a parody ad for Dude Wipes,” said Perry, dabbing his tears with a Dude Wipe he purchased later that day. “It’s not my fault, there’s no way I could have known. I mean, what kind of a monster puts on a playlist on Spotify with ads at a house party?”
Perry’s friend Alex Turner watched in horror as his friend humiliated himself with his singalong in front of the entire party.
“I feel awful for Tom, he even held up his iPhone trying to Shazam the song before I could stop him,” said Turner, sending his friend a supportive text. “I told him the ads are really kind of good these days and this sort of thing happens all the time, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that it happened to me too. I’m just glad no one was around when I got tricked by an ad for erectile dysfunction medication, because rapping ‘I got 99 problems but a soft dick ain’t one’ isn’t a memory I want to share.”
While hapless consumers continue to fall for the catchy marketing songs, one Spotify executive revealed it was all part of their sinister marketing strategy.
“You think it’s just a coincidence that every Spotify ad song just happens to be an insidious earworm for the most embarrassing products imaginable? No, this is all part of our marketing ploy to coerce our customers to buy a premium subscription to save themselves from future embarrassment,” said Spotify VP of Marketing Perry Sinclair. “You should have seen our subscriptions skyrocket after our infamous ‘Sir Mix-a-Lot—Tushy Bidet’ collab.”
At press time, Perry was seen furiously Googling Imagine Dragons songs featured in advertisements to make sure he hadn’t accidentally enjoyed their music in any form.