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Drone Metal Fan Hearing Slurpee Machine in the Distance Wonders “What Band Is This?!”

OLYMPIA, Wash. — Local drone metal fan Judson Riley was recently seen in his neighborhood gas station murmuring, “What band is this?” as a Slurpee machine hummed in the distance, sources reported.

“I was browsing Combo flavors when this faint, almost celestial sound caught my ear. I wandered around the store, utterly intrigued. There were no speakers in sight, but I was convinced that B flat was emanating from a vintage Orange amp,” Riley recalled fondly. “I kept asking myself, ‘What album is this?’ The woman behind the counter had no clue what I was talking about. Shazam had no idea, either. I never did find out what it was, but to this day, I’m still convinced it’s an undiscovered masterpiece.”

Rhea Rivas, the bewildered clerk, finally figured out what was going on.

“Almost once a week, some long-haired man in a black t-shirt, occasionally a cloak, would ask me about the music. I never play music in here. We don’t even have a sound system. For the longest time, I wondered what the hell they were talking about,” said Rivas. “It didn’t click until the day the Slurpee machine broke down. Suddenly, these cloaked figures stopped browsing aimlessly and instead just grabbed their Full Throttles quickly and left in silence. I still can’t fathom how the dull hum that haunts my dreams can be mistaken for music.”

Shepherd Duncan, a drone metal luminary famous for his album “Grimoire of the Fallow Earth 7: The Serpent’s Apple Builds Temptation in Eden’s Grift,” found this story oddly relatable.

“I’ve never shared this before, but ‘7’ was not purely my own creation. It just came to me one day. It was actually inspired by the frozen food section at the Trader Joe’s near my house. The first time I heard it, I was sure it was some divine inspiration. But no, it was just the freezer humming alongside the vegan sausage alternatives,” Duncan revealed. “I returned with a tape recorder, then tried to recreate every detail in the studio. That’s how I recorded the album that will surely headline my obituary. I owe it all to that freezer.”

At press time, Riley was seen sneaking a white noise machine out of his toddler’s room, frantically switching settings in the hope of recreating this so-called “masterpiece.”