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Alt Rock Band Hoping for a Big Hit So They Can Whine About Playing It

SEATTLE — Legendary underground band Vomit Asylum admitted they would love to break through to the mainstream with a song adored by the masses that the band resents playing live, sources confirmed.

“All the coolest bands hate their most popular songs,” said Vomit Asylum lead singer Sage Harpoon, chugging a mango Red Bull. “It’s part of being an alternative band – you make no money for a decade, get a hit song, and throw a hissy fit when a sold-out arena doesn’t know any of the deeper album cuts. Take Radiohead, for example. Every time they play ‘Creep,’ Thom Yorke looks like a sad criminal awaiting his beheading. The same goes for R.E.M. Michael Stipe hangs his shiny, sad head anytime ‘Shiny Happy People’ is even mentioned. Kurt Cobain looked like he’d rather be doing heroin than playing ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit.’ I think that’s just cause he was addicted to heroin, though.”

Ian Kregg, a Vomit Asylum groupie that follows the group’s tour van along the West Coast, couldn’t want anything less.

“They haven’t even sold out yet and they are already sellouts in my book,” exclaimed Kregg, also chugging a mango Redbull. “What happened to the artistry? What happened to integrity? I remember when they couldn’t even afford amps. Hell, when they played gigs on my aunt Darlene’s patio, all you could hear was drums and the crowd booing. Man, those were the golden days. Hell, I remember when they couldn’t afford INSTRUMENTS. They would go on stage and hum their parts. That’s punk rock. Sadness and financial instability.”

Record executives, on the other hand, are clueless as to why bands like Vomit Asylum might resent their popular songs.

“Yeah, maybe we force modern bands to upload sped up, slowed down, remixed, shortened, extended, clean, dirty, nightcore, and 3/4 jazz swing versions of their hit song to TikTok,” admitted Geffen Records executive Jeff Waddacash. “But that’s the business! Music isn’t about notes and melodies, it’s about numbers and graphs and shit. If you’re not on a curated Spotify playlist like ‘RapCaviar’ or ‘Grimace’s Indie Slutfest’ then you’re basically burning your label’s money. Plus every artist has to have a goddamn fast food item now. That’s why our recently signed band Vomit Asylum will be teaming up with Wendy’s for the all-new ‘Vomit Value Meal.” The meal comes with 50 spicy nuggets, a half-eaten Frosty, and a menthol cigarette.”

At press time, everyone in Vomit Asylum admitted they were disappointed when they didn’t die at age 27.