Ranked: The Top 50 Christmas Horror Movies We Shouldn’t Have Screened for a Class of Preschoolers

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, you try to do something nice for the holiday season and what happens? You get banned from preschools across the country, that’s what!

At The Hard Times, we’re all about giving back. That’s why we went on a 50 preschool tour spanning coast to coast screening holiday classics for children, for free mind you! Now, okay, was the guy we sent to program and run the screenings a bit of a horror head? Yes. Did he have priors? Sure, but for some totally non-violent stuff!

At the end of the day, we did show the kids Christmas movies, as promised, and we really don’t see how a well-intentioned gesture of holiday cheer, however poorly executed, warrants such slander as “Get out of our school you monsters,” “You should burn in hell for this,” or “We are suing you for reckless child endangerment and corruption.” all we hear is “Bah humbug,” and it makes us sad.

Well, in any event, here are the top 50 Christmas horror movies that, in retrospect, may have been a bit much for a bunch of preschoolers.

50. Krampus: The Reckoning (2015)

Not to be confused with the other, and far more popular 2015 Krampus movie (which also got us into trouble) “Krampus: The Reckoning” was one of those b knockoffs that tries to coast on a better movie’s popularity. The effects are terrible, the pacing is horrendous, and it was so boring that we were barely even told never to return to Bright Horizons Pre-K under threat of arrest.

49. Jack Frost (1997)

Not to be confused with the Michael Keaton movie of the same name (which is disturbing in its own right) the kids were super excited to see a movie about a talking Snowman! Unfortunately, that’s all the preamble we gave them. No one mentioned that it was a snowman containing the soul of a sadistic serial killer hell-bent on revenge. The kids quickly turned on the movie, and frankly, we’re with them, this one is pretty tasteless. Many of them also urinated, however, and we don’t think that’s appropriate no matter how bad a movie is.

48. Santa Claws (1996)

This is the first movie on our lists to get us in hot water because it contained a lot of graphic nudity. It will not be the last. We really gotta fire our movie guy, this is a lot of lawsuits even by Hard Times School Tour standards.

47. Puppet Master vs Demonic Toys (2004)

Possibly the most lopsided franchise in all of horror, we should have known their later-day Christmas effort was one for the naughty list. Was it the fact that the distinction between living puppets and demonic toys is too subtle for 5-year-old minds to grasp? Were they put off by the hammy performance of Corey Feldman? Or is it that showing R-rated violence to children is simply a bad idea no matter how holiday-themed it is? Who’s to say? All we know is that none of those kids will ever hold a doll of any kind ever again.

46. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)

“Garbage day!” Blam! Yes, this movie is where the popular .gif comes from, and if the kids can’t respect it, that’s not our problem, #knowyourmeme. Honestly, we really don’t see what the big freakout was about here. Half of this movie is just clips from the first “Silent Night, Deadly Night” and who the hell hasn’t seen that? In the lowest-ranking installment of the franchise on our list (unless you include part 4 which didn’t even make the cut,) the brother of the killer Santa from the first movie recalls pretty much that whole movie before going off on his own killing spree, because apparently he also has the killer Santa gene? All around pretty lazy, and any claim that we “scarred children for life” is a pretty absurd exaggeration. Half of those kids didn’t even cry.

45. Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out (1989)

The franchise takes a turn into the supernatural for this third installment, which sees Ricky (Hey kids, it’s Bill Moseley!) awaken from his coma and stalk a blind woman with whom he is somehow psychically linked. It’s pretty cornball stuff, so we’re pretty puzzled by how much child vomit it inspired. Maybe the kids recognized Eric DaRe from “Twin Peaks?” Leo Johnson is pretty scary.

44. Night Visitors (1987)

It’s sort of like “Funny Games” but with a fun holiday twist, and nowhere near as good as “Funny Games.” Actually, when the screening turned into a shit show, we did show them “Funny Games” thinking that would smooth things over. It didn’t.

43. Slay Belles (2018)

Okay, we really tried on this one! This movie has tons of stuff kids are into—cosplaying, YouTubers, Barry Bostwick, the list goes on! If you ask us those kids each woke up that morning and said to themselves “I’m going to devolve into an inconsolable crying mess no matter what movie gets shown today!”

42. Don’t Open ’til Christmas (1984)

Okay, yes, a Santa Claus gets his dick cut off in this one, which is hard to watch at any age, but the key word is “a” Santa Claus, not “the” Santa Claus! It was just one of his HELPERS who got his dick lobbed off while taking a piss so that one kid’s scream of “Oh my God they cut off Santa’s wee wee!” and the ensuing riot that followed was way, way off base.

41. Santa’s Slay (2005)

Did you know that Santa is actually Satan’s only begotten son? And that he only gives out presents because he lost a bet with an angel, and now that the terms of the bet are settled he’s here to kill everybody, even if they’re nice? Well, the kids we showed this to sure didn’t and they did not handle it well.

40. Black Christmas (2006)

For the love of God, stop crying! It’s basically just “House on Sorority Row” with Christmas stuff! You would think these preschoolers had never watched a bunch of college girls get picked off one by one by a deranged lunatic before, jeesh!

39. Dead of Night (1945)

This one was going relatively fine for a while. The kids weren’t paying a ton of attention because the movie was in black and white, but they weren’t crying or anything. Even the teacher, though a little puzzled as to why we thought children would be interested in an anthology movie from 1945, didn’t seem to have any serious objections. And then the dummy showed up. Holy hell. What is it about old ventriloquist dolls that just strikes the hearts of children with fear dead center?

38. The Brain (1988)

Okay, we got a little fast and loose with the Christmas theme here but “The Brain” is at least set during Christmas time, and honestly we thought it would be a good message for the kids! It’s the story of a mad scientist who uses a giant mutant brain to brainwash people through a popular TV show. We were hoping it would teach kids to be weary of propaganda, but they were too busy getting all freaked out watching a giant brain murder people. We tried to calm them down! We were all like “Look kids, it’s David Gale, the guy who played the severed head who goes down on that lady in “Re-animator,” isn’t that cool?!” Didn’t help.

37. Blood Beat (1982)

It’s a tale as old as time. Boy meets girl, boy invites girl to Christmas with his family in Wisconsin, girl gets possessed by the spirit of an ancient samurai and kills off boys family one by one until a final showdown with boy’s psychic mother. If the kids weren’t ready for this one, and judging by how many of them are still catatonic they weren’t, that’s not us. Blame Common Core for failing them, this is practically Romeo and Juliet.

36. Christmas Bloody Christmas (2022)

Pretty standard killer robot fair with a holiday twist. Okay, we know these kids are five, but if they are going to get all weepy and vomity over a movie about a killer robot Santa, are they really prepared to grow up in the age of AI? Plus the movie exhaustively goes out of its way to establish how hip the main characters are by having them talk about bands for like 20 minutes and the references went right over their little heads. Preschool? More like Poserschool, amiright?

35. The Gingerdead Man (2005)

If you haven’t seen “The Gingerdead Man,” it’s exactly what you think it is, plus the evil gingerbread man is voiced by Gary Busey. We can only assume it was the calming, familiar voice of Busey that kept the kids from going full catatonic. Well, most of them. Anyway, we didn’t screen any of the sequels cause Busey’s not in them. See? We’re responsible.

34. I Trapped the Devil (2019)

This is basically just a feature-length holiday-themed version of the “Twilight Zone” episode “The Howling Man,” but somehow it scared the shit out of these kids figuratively and, for several of them literally. It’s like they aren’t familiar with ’50s television or something!

33. Night Train Murders (1975)

This movie has been described as a holiday set version of “Last House on the Left” on a train and… yeah, okay, this one was on us, it was a bad call. We apologize for this screening, but the flack we got for every other film on this list is bullshit!

32. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)

Was there ever anyone more ridiculous than Mickey Rooney? When the original “Silent Night, Deadly Night” came out back in 1984 he was leading the charge of public outcry, condemning the movie as tasteless exploitive filth and demanding it be boycotted. Then, seven years later, he shows up in one of the sequels! Isn’t that funny? We sure think it is. The room full of children we showed it to didn’t quite grasp the humor of the situation though. They were more transfixed by the idea that toys can murder you.

31. To All A Good Night (1980)

Okay, I’m sorry, but this is the most typical middle-of-the-road slasher fair you can imagine only the killer is dressed as Santa, okay? Horny transgressive teens are picked off one by one by a maniac, we’ve all seen it 100 times, and you can sue us for your kid’s therapy all you want, we’re not paying a fucking dime. If anything we should be suing you for not raising your kids to appreciate genre films!

30. The Day of the Beast (1995)

Everything was going fine until one of the kids asked “What’s an anti-Christ?” and we paused and explained it. St. Catherine’s Pre-K has agreed not to sue us provided we each do 12 Hail Marys and give up horror movies for lent, an offer we refused. Come at us motherfuckers!

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Climate Conference Attendees Dazzled by Crude Oil Fountain in Dining Hall

Posted on by Ben Friedman

DUBAI — Attendees of the COP28 Climate Summit set aside the solutions to impending climate catastrophe after being dazzled by the inclusion of an ostentatious crude oil fountain in the dining hall, event coordinators have reported.

“I understand that we’re here to figure out how humanity will stave off the coming climate apocalypse, but I’ll be damned if that oil fountain isn’t the coolest shit I’ve seen in a long time. It even does the thing where it spurts out to project images of objects. Absolutely blew my tits off,” said English ambassador Roger Cummings. “I can’t believe I was concerned with the summit being spearheaded by the CEO of the largest oil company in the Middle East! Between the fountain and the indoor go kart track tournament tonight, I think we can put the fate of humanity aside to enjoy ourselves for a bit.”

The host of COP28, CEO of Abu Dhabi National Oil Company Dr. Sultan al-Jaber, said the fountain was the centerpiece of the entire event.

“We are committed to taking on the challenges of climate change, but this is Dubai and in this city we love two things: flashy opulence and black gold. This fountain is connected to a well we drilled under the event center, and metaphorically into the minds and wallets of politicians who want to cut into our profit margins just to buy the Earth a few more years of being hospitable,” said al-Jaber. “Look how they gawk at it! They don’t even care that this summit is a farce, they just want selfies with a glorified lawn decoration. Though this is nothing compared to the one in my underground doomsday bunker.”

Event planners for the summit who cater to the wealthy and powerful noted that the fountain and other gaudy distractions usually drive ulterior motives.

“Whenever some rabble-rousers begin to challenge the machinations that keep them poor and sick, they naturally turn to their elected representatives to resolve the issue. So then it falls on me to throw lavish parties hosted by industry leaders and lobbyists to ensure nothing changes even if it’s an event that looks good for the papers,” said Elias Downey. “The fountain was easy, but you should’ve seen the strings we pulled to prevent Nancy Pelosi blocking members of Congress from trading stocks. It’s not easy to procure a golden unicorn that shoots money out of its horn!”

As of press time, summit organizers unveiled a dunk tank where attendees could sink a climate activist into an oil drum.

Every The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

Middleburg, Florida’s The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus formed in 2003, was under the radar until 2006, and released their debut album “Don’t You Fake It” that very year, and as of today in the year of our lord it is Platinum and counting. One of the lesser discussed bands of the mall screamo movement, their first LP is now a scene mainstay with three hit singles, one of which being the anthem to end all anthems known as “Face Down.” If you listened to rock radio in the mid-aughts, you couldn’t avoid hearing this track, and if you rock out to Warped Tour-esque playlists to this day, good luck NOT encountering this song. We attempted to rank the band’s FIVE, yes, five, albums below, and we prove on record that the band has more than one freaking song AND four albums that you may have missed.

5. Lonely Road (2009)

Scene-ioritis? GODSPEED! Although The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ sophomore album “Lonely Road,” was ambitious in the way that the band temporarily fled the scene world for a Sunset Strip ‘80s metal vibe, it was a misfire amongst fans and the like, and thus, its title was unintentionally accurate. The record debuted at number fourteen on the Billboard 200, but quickly faded away shortly after, and would be the band’s last full-length studio album on a major label. Vocalist Ronnie Winter’s voice hit notes that were higher than most on “The Up in Smoke Tour” here, but that’s where the fun ended, and critics from much inferior publications echoed said sentiments on pen, paper, pleads, postcards, and other “P” words.

Play it again: “You Better Pray”
Skip it: ½ of it

4. The Awakening (2018)

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ fifth and most recent LP is the first good album to be mentioned here. Many readers here may not know this but The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus is a Christian Rock band, and the highlighted “play it again” track here,”On Becoming Willing,” topped the Christian Rock Billboard charts for quite some time, whilst staying under the radar amongst non-denominational punks of all shapes and sizes. “The Awakening” is also a concept album, and the first of such in the band’s catalog. It’s been nearly six years since this record hit stores (remember those?) and RJA fans all over the world are eagerly waiting for another, especially given the fact that the aughts rock boom is now nostalgia music, so there is more than some unfinished business on the proverbial table.

Play it again: “On Becoming Willing”
Skip it: ⅓ of it

3. 4 (2014)

Starting with a haunting piano intro via album opener “Grimm 2.0” which was reminiscent of Tim Burton films, “4” deserves your attention and affection if you missed it in 2014; ignorance is not bliss here and you’re the mocking Jay, Captain Hunger Games. If you heard it then and/or still vibe with it today, Jesus and/or Moses may be your rock star; we know, right? Fun fact: This album exists because of some of you hardcore RJA fanboys and fangirls reading here who donated to the band’s fundraising IndieGoGo campaign; it was you… The right direction!

Play it again: “California”
Skip it: ¼ of it

2. Am I the Enemy (2011)

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus made the correct calculated move by working with scene svengali John Feldmann of No Use For A Name on their third LP “Am I the Enemy.” If you still need to ask, “Where are the heroes?,” don’t lose hope, don’t you fake it, do not pass go/collect $200, and listen to this one front to back for little filler and/or questions as to why this band was hugely successful and still converts new heads on the daily. The band used to look to you for direction, but that was before they saw the deception that was hidden behind your eyes. Deep? Yes, but that was just your empty pride in RJA lyric form.

Play it again: “Reap”
Skip it: “Where Are The Heroes”

1. Don’t You Fake It (2006)

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus’ breakout LP is a “no skip” effort that counterbalances the duds on album 2, the inconsistencies on albums 4 and 5, and the almost perfect third LP. This record is so good that it has another version known as “Don’t You Fake It (Alliance Edition),” but only check that one out after you listen to this one seventeen (ain’t so sweet) times; if you choose that one first, your emo hearts will forever feel disconnected with a combination of solo misery and damn regret. If you’re still a hater regarding this band’s inclusion here, go to their Spotify and marvel at the hundreds of millions of streams and the near five million monthly listeners; for context, Yellowcard has nearly one million less monthly listeners and Skankin’ Pickle has just over twenty-three thousand.

Play it again: 0:01-44:28
Skip it: Faking it

Crust Punk Multiplies After Getting Wet

Posted on by Graham Saunders

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local crust punk Rusty Steinman reportedly multiplied at a rapid rate after coming into direct contact with water, confirmed weirded out sources.

“Evidently, there are three rules of crust punks: Don’t expose them to bright light, don’t feed them after midnight, and do not get them wet. I didn’t realize that was actually true,” claimed fellow squat tenant Brian “Skud” Malone. “I was just watering my plant when Rusty burst in and walked right into me. He got water all over himself. The next thing I know, he’s on the ground, squirming, with this crazy steam coming off him, then these five slimy balls came shooting out of his back. Not too long later there were about four more of him. It was the oddest thing I’ve seen since I got backstage at an Insane Clown Posse show.”

Steinman seemed concerned but not enough to do anything about it.

“I don’t know what those things are, and I have no idea how the fuck they came out of my back,” explained Steinman. “They’re absolutely horrible, they have greasy matted hair, all sorts of weird ear piercings, ripped clothes, and hobnail boots, they look like a cross between a character from a Charles Dickens books and one of those weird cannibals from Mad Max, and don’t even get me started on the stench. I’m never touching water again.”

Experts explained that this is a “totally normal phenomenon” although one that is rarely witnessed in the wild.

“Have you ever noticed that crust punks are always just kind of there, but no one actually knows where they come from? Well, this is actually the true origin of crusts, if you get one wet, they reproduce. Cats have litters of kittens, and crusts have scutters of crustlets,” explained sociologist Max Fetters. “It’s actually quite a rare occurrence and crust numbers all over the world are dwindling. Most people think crusts look the way they do because they don’t clean themselves, but they actually have a deep-rooted aversion to water, and it’s because they don’t want to reproduce in public and leave their offspring vulnerable. A single skinhead could eat an entire scutter of crustles in seconds.”

At press time, it is believed that Steinman and the five crustlets formed a band and are due to play at a number of squat parties in the coming months.

Fuck! My Attorney is Getting Drunk at the Same Bar as Me

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Ugh, what a day. I never want to see the inside of a courtroom again! Seriously, you drive drunk through one backyard, end up crashing through an above-ground pool, and it’s all “You ruined our son’s birthday party”! I’m just glad my lawyer stalled the judge long enough to get an extra day to work on my defense. And since I haven’t been hit with a mandated court order to stop drinking just yet, I don’t think there’s any harm in ordering another beer and a bump.

What the hell is taking the bartender so long anyway – wait – it can’t be. Oh lord, that’s my fucking attorney at the end of the bar and he looks even drunker than I am.

Alright, don’t panic. I’m sure he’s just blowing off some steam, after all, it can’t be easy spending all day defending a guy charged with nine counts of vehicular assault. All the billboards say he’s the best DUI attorney in the greater Jacksonville area, I’m sure he’s just going the method route to try and get inside my mind.

Good lord, he pounded that boilermaker fast. This guy is Ivy League, why is he drinking like an overworked high school dropout? And why does he have to do it while clearly reviewing my case files? I’d confront him if I weren’t six Jaegerbombs deep.

At what point does client-attorney privilege end and conflict of interest begin, aside from the mutual interest in getting blind drunk at 2 p.m. on a Tuesday? I can’t fire him now, I’ve already paid his fees upfront! Though now I see where all that money is going, maybe I should’ve cut out the middleman and bought him a few pitchers. Might have saved me an extra six grand. Paid on contingency my ass!

Why didn’t I just go with a public defender? Those guys are probably way too overwhelmed with cases to find time to drink. No, I have to trust this guy. After all, he’s represented half of my family. Though now that I think about it, he lost all those cases.

I’m definitely going to jail.

Promoter Requires Local Band to Sell at Least 50 Tickets, Perform Little Demeaning Dance in Order to Get on Bill

Posted on by Chris Bowen

BINGHAMTON, N.Y. — Metal show promoter Gary Pearson allegedly requires local bands to sell a minimum of 50 tickets and perform an embarrassing dance in order for them to be placed on a bill with touring acts, several dignity-shredded sources report.

“I don’t know what the big deal is, but I think it has something to do with these young bands not wanting to put in the work these days,” Pearson stated while a young metalhead shined his boots for him. “They’re pretty ungrateful. I’d say they should be honored to have the privilege of opening for their touring heroes who won’t see a second of their set. Plus, it only takes a few days to learn the choreography in the dance and nobody has to get naked or anything. I don’t see what everyone is complaining about.”

Guitarist for local metal band Deathhole Eric Hale felt a little weary by Pearson’s promoting techniques.

“At first, I thought ‘fuck this guy, he can sell his own tickets and shove his dance up his ass,’ but we really wanted to open for Taproot, so we decided to cave,” Hale Explained. “It wasn’t so bad. Sure it was demeaning, and all our friends and family were clearly getting annoyed by us asking them to buy tickets, but we got used to it. Besides, we’re here to support the local scene by any means necessary, even if it means taking out the garbage or picking up the mail for our city’s biggest promoter.”

Retired show promoter Randall Henderson had seen similar tactics used over the course of his 30 years of experience.

“I think it’s hilarious when I hear local bands whining about having to sell a couple of tickets and compromise their dignity to get on a show,” Henderson said. “Back in the 1980s, if your band wanted to get gigs with touring acts, you had to pass an obstacle course, a swimsuit portion, and talent show. And it wasn’t some lame talent show where they play a song or something, we expected explosions or magic tricks. Those were the days.”

At press time, Pearson dropped Deathhole from the bill after their dance only lasted a mere five minutes when it was clearly stipulated to go for 20 minutes at minimum.

45 Best Criterion Movies To Distract You While We Rob Your House

Posted on by Rob Steinberg

What’s better than sitting down in front of your state-of-the-art 4K television with a premiere sound system and watching a film from the Criterion Collection? Absolutely nothing, that is why you should crank the volume as loud as possible so you don’t hear your house being ransacked. We ranked the best movies to keep you distracted while you lose all your family heirlooms.

45. Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai (1999)

Stealing goes against the code of the Samurai so we will stay clean during the film out of respect. But we still might pirate the soundtrack on LimeWire.

44. Color Of Pomegranates. (1969)

This biography told through symbolism and metaphors is one of the most visually pleasing films to ever exist. To symbolize our thievery actions, we will be providing finger shaped coupons, five to be exact, laid out to represent our five-finger discount. The coupons will each be dipped in honey to ensure they are sticky fingers as well. If you complain that the metaphor is too obvious and mixed, well EXCUSE us for not exactly being Armenian poet Sayat-Nova, let alone Sergei Parajanov!

43. Shallow Grave (1994)

Danny Boyle’s debut film about flatmates turning on each other will be a nice prelude to when you turn on your own roommates because you think they used up all the toilet paper. The truth is that we took it, but we’ll never tell.

42. Beastie Boys Video Anthology (2000)

Although this is through Criterion and therefore should be watched through a film theory eye, playing the music of these Beastie Boys is still a cultural significance that one is throwing a party. People will be hearing “No Sleep Till Brooklyn” outside your home and immediately know it is okay to head over. We will be playing the role of the worst party guests by drinking all your beer, pocketing ashtrays, and stealing jewelry from your bedroom.

41. Polyester (1981)

“Pink Flamingos” may be the big one, but the Odor-Rama scratch-n-sniff card that is to be used while watching John water’s 1981 classic is perfect for distracting that all your glade plug-ins have gone into our pockets.

40. Sweet Movie (1974)

This movie features the kind of unsimulated disturbing imagery typically saved for weird links teenagers stumble upon when online too much. As an American you may find it hard to decipher what the rich businessman in a cowboy hat urinating on people named Mr. Kapital may represent. Between the extremely subtle political statements and a collection of sexual acts that are totally not controversial in any form, it makes me want to say no to capitalism, no to communism, let us follow the politics of the mighty ant by stealing your sugar for our queen.

39. Chasing Amy (1997)

Snoochies boochies, we swiped your hockey jerseys!

38. Jellyfish Eyes (2013)

Contemporary artist Takashi Murakami makes his debut as a director with a film that is loosely just Pokémon. Let Murakami’s trademark overbearing positivity wash over you as we take your prized possession, your holographic Charizard.

37. Fantastic Planet (1973)

Draags a race of aliens who wear ripped spandex and are too busy doing new-age activities to notice how miserable their pets are. We all knew people like that when we were 19 but this time they’re blue giants with fins for ears. Experience a world of psychedelic empathy towards animals being transmitted into your pineal gland as some funky prog rock plays. We will be taking your lava lamps now.

36. Repo Man (1984)

“Repo Man” is a desolate alternate world where products don’t have any graphic design or mascots on them. Just thinking of the movie makes us glad to live in a world where the Cheerios Honey Bee exists. Enjoy the amazing soundtrack and fun acting of Emilio Estevez while we take all your name-brand products.

35. Harold and Maude (1971)

A goth boy falls in love with an elderly hippie who teaches him how to be a silly goose. Laugh together with this dark comedy on embracing life while we smuggle your toaster oven under your shirt. Only depressed people cook with those anyway.

34. Come And See (1985)

Soviet movies are always so upbeat, so this one about a Nazi occupation must be no different. This example of vicarious PTSD is the kind of film you make British gang members watch while you perform prison experiments to make them give up listening to Beethoven and wearing codpieces. With any luck, you too will be disposing of your Beethoven records and codpieces in the trash for us to take. Cheer up though, Nazis were defeated and now we don’t have to worry about any other governments committing war crimes, right?

33. Jubilee (1978)

Queen Elizabeth I has time-traveled to see our beautiful England destroyed in the ruins of punk rock. Derek Jarman’s safety-pinned satire stars several punk icons of the scene playing broke, violent wankers who keep their mattresses on the floor. Everyone in this movie may sleep on the floor, but not in the real world, not anymore. The point I’m saying is that we took your bed frame.

32. Stalker (1979)

Tarkovsky brings a slow, atmospheric aesthetic to give the viewer a real feeling of what it is like to journey through the mysterious wasteland known only as “The Zone”. You will be sucked into this desolate world of uncertainty and wonder if the journey to the “Room” is worth it all. Do you truly know what your deepest desires are? I know what mine are and it’s to have your autographed Bon Jovi poster.

31. Do The Right Thing (1989)

Watch Spike Lee’s 1989 film on racism, police brutality, and reactions to it with your whitest friend. If you are white, watch it with your most racist relative. Afterwards discuss Mookie’s actions to reveal enough about the person afterwards. To make it more immersive to the film we will be taking your air conditioner.

30. Videodrome (1983)

Criterion films are your new flesh. The outstanding special effects and acting of Debbie Harry is but one cell of this new skin. Your new flesh tells your senses that you no longer need your Furby collection. Give it to us.

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Spotify Says Laid-Off Employees Can Keep Jobs if They Switch to No-Compensation-With-Ads Plan

Posted on by Max Barth

NEW YORK — Spotify CEO Daniel Ek announced that the company would be laying off one-sixth of its workforce, though affected employees were offered an alternative to unemployment: keep working, for free, and listen to advertisements every six and a half minutes.

“While we are saddened to lose so many members of our world-class team, we’re delighted to push the boundaries of the modern workplace to better suit all,” said the billionaire Ek, reached for comment in his underwater pleasure dome somewhere in the North Atlantic. “This new no-compensation-plus-ads model will do to employment what our streaming music model did to music. Eventually, all of our employees will be under a similar agreement, other than the executive level workers of course. The higher-ups will be part of a Premium Plan that will include unlimited vacation, bonuses, and stock options. Which is more than reasonable.”

Sally Britten, a payments specialist in Spotify’s New York office, is one of the roughly eight hundred workers whose paid positions are to be cut in lieu of the “ad-supported zero compensation” model.

“I’ve worked here for six years, and I’m really disappointed,” said Britten. “I mean, this quarter our business grew dramatically. My team helped grow our subscriber base by millions, our digital team launched an AI that can reliably write and upload Minnesota hardcore and we successfully cut payments to artists to the lowest level ever seen. It just feels like the bosses don’t appreciate the irreplaceable value of the labor we do to their business model.”

An advertising professional, granted anonymity to discuss internal affairs at the company, is optimistic that many of those laid off will choose to stay and embrace the new employment model.

“I mean, think about how great it’s going to be. You’re in your office, trying to figure out the perfect ‘ASMR for Pets With Allergies’ playlist when you have to shut everything off and listen to me pitch exciting opportunities like Stamps.com to you, again,” said the mysterious advertiser. “And then at the end of the two weeks, you don’t get a paycheck at all. I mean, call us crazy, but who wouldn’t love that?”

As of press time, Spotify confirmed they would also be removing all bassist-led side projects from the service to further cut costs.

Photo by Magnus Höij.

Every Saves the Day Album Ranked Worst To Best

Posted on by Scott Waldman

The emo-adjacent band known as Saves the Day has other songs not called “At Your Funeral,” and no, they don’t only have one album; Saves the Day has NINE full-length LPs. The toxic wasteland known as New Jersey, The Garden State that has more pesticides than one man can count, surprisingly was the epicenter of a scene in the late ‘90s/early aughts with bands like Lifetime, Thursday, The Dillinger Escape Plan, and Led Zeppelin leading the charge. Sincerity sells, and Saves the Day came out of the gates swinging hard with their consistently revered debut album “Can’t Slow Down.” Today we go through all their studio albums and rank them perfectly top to bottom.

9. 9 (2018)

This may sound harsh, but we only hurt the ones that we love, and we ADORE Saves the Day: We’ll never get the time back that we lost listening to the band’s ninth album called, err, “9,” and not only does said LP have ZERO replay value, but The Beatles’ oft-maligned “Revolution 9” is like “Bohemian Rhapsody” compared to “9” as a whole. In addition, the album even has a lazy title. Still, “29” is ambitious, and long STD, yes, STD, songs are great, and we reference one more later that is near the top of their heap. Basically, we like to pretend that STD only has 8 albums. This album’s lasting power is showcased by the fact that despite there being nine songs on “9,” only one single exists, the ok at best “Rendezvous,” which is buried as the eighth track.

Play it again: “29”
Skip it: Most of it

8. Under the Boards (2007)

Now we’re at the point of this piece wherein we mention Saves the Day’s first good album to be discussed here: “Under the Boards,” STD’s sixth album, and second installment in the “Sound The Alarm”/”Under The Boards”/”Daybreak” trilogy is good, but not great, so in a movie analogy y’all will get or won’t, it is less “The Empire Strikes Back” and more “Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment.” If you had a chance to go to the band’s co-headlining tour with eventual Two Tongues collaborators Say Anything in 2007, you caught wind of something emotionally epic in all of the good ways, and we’re jealous of you unless you were getting messed up on your Blackberries the whole time because you are woefully turning over in your tomb on a lonely getaway. Thankfully, the trilogy would end with a BANG with the next one, “Daybreak”.

Play it again: “Can’t Stay the Same”
Skip it: about ⅓ of it

7. Self-Titled (2013)

Saves the Day’s eighth full-length studio album is self-titled for a reason, as it was a concise back-to-basics record after the polarizing trilogy. Thankfully it’s still so much better than your crappy and derivative shoegaze band; call it quits, ladies and gents. Ain’t no kind of love like the kind we have for Saves the Day, and the band was extra generous by supplying ring pops, grapefruits, stars, and vegemite to the “emo” block party of 2013, a year that will forever live in infamy. Critics large and small from inferior publications ate this up, and fans did as well, as “Saves the Day” reintroduced the band as sort of elder melodic hardcore, or “post-hardcore,” if you’re feeling nasty.

Play it again: “Xenophobic Blind Left Hook”
Skip it: Just under ⅓ of it

6. Can’t Slow Down (1998)

Handsome boy, we know, this debut effort from Saves the Day should be the silver or gold medalist winner here, but that just shows how much good music Saves the Day has produced. Despite the fact that “Can’t Slow Down” is a solid AF debut for ANY band, it didn’t even qualify for the Olympics at the turn of last century; sorry, Jodie, we don’t care how tall you are. We love this one, but the best part of it is its eventual follow-up, “Through Being Cool,” and it’s quite interesting to hear the band in seemingly adolescent on the cusp of puberty form here. Still, “Three Miles Down,” and several others here are god tier, and we implore you to revisit “Can’t Slow Down” with fresh 2023 ears, and not as fresh 1998 lower backs.

Play it again: “Three Miles Down”
Skip it: “Hot Time in Delaware”

5. Sound the Alarm (2006)

The first installment in Saves the Day’s eventual trilogy, is an angry punk AF masterpiece and a great post-major label effort. Easily their heaviest record, one can hear the pain and grit on any speaker unless it is from your great aunt Marla’s Edsel. Anyway, re-signing with Vagrant Records, the band’s home for their third and blockbuster LP “Stay What You Are,” seemed to be, for lack of a better word, a more than sound move, and the record debuted at number FOUR on the US Billboard Independent Albums chart, and had a song on the Madden ‘07 soundtrack, showing the world at large that people still gave a damn about this rough and tumble band, and you are delusional, despite said word being the worst song on “Sound the Alarm.”

Play it again: “Eulogy”
Skip it: “Delusional”

4. Daybreak (2011)

“The Godfather Part III” is the worst entry in the epic AF Godfather trilogy, but “Daybreak,” record #3 in STD’s trilogy, defied the odds set by many multi-volume movies and ended with a firework display of awesome. Easily the most slept on Saves the Day LP, the record started with a top ten STD song known as the title track, and it is kind of a combination of Radiohead’s epic “Paranoid Android, NOFX’s perfect “The Decline,” The Beatles’ anthemic “Hey Jude,” and Anal Cunt’s acoustic campfire sing along “Radio Hit.” “Daybreak” is lucky #7 for Saves the Day, and their co-headlining run on this record with Bayside, and I Am the Avalanche in the support slots was one for the books. Also, this is their lone record with Razor & Tie, home to Kidz Bop and Kidz Full Stop. Living without love must suck, nighttime chameleons.

Play it again: “Daybreak”
Skip it: “U”

3. In Reverie (2003)

In (reverie and) a perfect world, this LP, Saves the Day’s fourth effort, “In Reverie,” would’ve been the proper indie label follow-up to “Through Being Cool,” and the band’s third album “Stay What You Are” would have been their major label debut, but that was not how the cookies crumbled for STD. What went wrong? A lot! For one, it was a major departure like Panic without an exclamation point at the Disco’s also-Beatles-esque “Pretty. Odd.” which likely alienated a lot of emo hearts like yours, and with even more additional mishaps like the label shift from DreamWorks to Interscope Records, the then-scrappy five-piece likely got lost in the conglomerate shuffle. We heard that Tom DeLonge advised the band to sign with a major after “Through Being Cool,” and we stan that thought very much! Still, “Anywhere with You” is a hell of a single and opener.

Play it again: “Anywhere With You”
Skip it: “Monkey”

2. Stay What You Are (2001)

Because of this breakout record, and the fanfare from its two predecessors, blink-182 and Green Day took Saves the Day out on the Pop Disaster Tour for half of its dates, and Jimmy Eat World for the other 50%. “Stay What You Are” is now amongst the higher-selling LPs in the genre, and the band will likely be playing approximately ⅓-⅖ of its songs at every STD show in perpetuity. Also, the band is happily playing this one front to back at 2024’s When We Were Young music festival, appearing with the aforementioned Jimmy Eat World as they play their perfect “Bleed American” LP in its entirety, and Brokencyde whilst they rock and roll through their debut effort “I’m Not a Fan, But the Kids Like It!”

Play it again: Stay WHERE you are and listen to it all
Skip it: Being what you are

1. Through Being Cool (1999)

Saves the Day’s polar opposite of a sophomore slump is without hesitation or hyperbole, one of the best records of the ‘90s. When one thinks of that tranistiional decade it’s usually grunge and even swing music that comes to mind, but “Through Being Cool” is too good to overlook, and the band blazes through twelve tracks at thirty-three minutes and twenty-two seconds in a manner that will be pretty much unrivaled forever. Thanks to Steve Evetts, and mega hugs are in order for the then-lineup of Chris “topher” Conley on vocals and not guitar, Bryan “Hello” Newman on drums, Eben “Son of Friend” D’Amico on bass, Ted “dy” Alexander on rhythm guitar, and David “I Killed Goliath With My Sling And Positive Mental Attitude,” of which Conley is the only current member. Kisses to Arun Bali, Rodrigo Palma, and Claudio Rivera as well.

Play it again: “Through Being Cool”
Skip it: “9”

Gen X Vegan Enraged Meat Alternatives Now Almost Taste Good

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

SEATTLE — Local 52-year-old man and longtime vegan James McMorgan is reportedly furious that the currently available meat alternatives kind of taste halfway decent now, sources about to have a cardiac event confirmed.

“These fucking little spoiled brats these days have no idea what it was like. I had a fried chik’n sandwich at some trendy cafe the other day, and it was legitimately good,” said a fuming McMorgan. “Can you believe that shit? Not only did it vaguely resemble meat, it had the right taste and texture and everything. I almost enjoyed myself. Veganism is not about that. It’s about being rigid, judgemental, and most of all, hating everything you’ve eaten for the past 27 years. Young people are ruining everything the movement stands for with this shit.”

One of the “young people” in question is college student and vegan Morinda Williams.

“I don’t really get why so many people still eat real meat and cheese,” said Williams while posting a vegan chili recipe she made while wearing an incredibly low-cut shirt to TikTok. “Everything is like, so close to the real thing. You can barely tell the difference. I hear older vegans complain about how good my generation has it, and like, why be mad? If stuff is actually delicious, maybe more people will be tempted to go vegan. One old dude keeps accosting me in my comments telling me that I ‘don’t get how bad TVP was.’ What even is TVP? Sounds like a banned chemical in vapes or something.”

Vegan historian and dietitian Lucy Doyle explained that the cultural divide between new and old vegans is in line with what she’s studied.

“Older people within any subculture will find themselves complaining about ‘kids these days’ regardless of context,” Doyle said solemnly. “Whether it’s about music, the economy, or hell, television, the older the person is, the more enraged they will become at the younger generation for having it easier. With Gen X vegans in particular, so much of their identity is wrapped up in being militant and unpleasant, the mere thought of an enjoyable meat-like entree simply sends them into spasms resembling psychosis. Though, to be fair, tofu dishes from the 90s were absolute dogshit.”

At press time, McMorgan was seen vandalizing the frozen meatless section at this local Target as an act of protest.