SEATTLE — Local 52-year-old man and longtime vegan James McMorgan is reportedly furious that the currently available meat alternatives kind of taste halfway decent now, sources about to have a cardiac event confirmed.
“These fucking little spoiled brats these days have no idea what it was like. I had a fried chik’n sandwich at some trendy cafe the other day, and it was legitimately good,” said a fuming McMorgan. “Can you believe that shit? Not only did it vaguely resemble meat, it had the right taste and texture and everything. I almost enjoyed myself. Veganism is not about that. It’s about being rigid, judgemental, and most of all, hating everything you’ve eaten for the past 27 years. Young people are ruining everything the movement stands for with this shit.”
One of the “young people” in question is college student and vegan Morinda Williams.
“I don’t really get why so many people still eat real meat and cheese,” said Williams while posting a vegan chili recipe she made while wearing an incredibly low-cut shirt to TikTok. “Everything is like, so close to the real thing. You can barely tell the difference. I hear older vegans complain about how good my generation has it, and like, why be mad? If stuff is actually delicious, maybe more people will be tempted to go vegan. One old dude keeps accosting me in my comments telling me that I ‘don’t get how bad TVP was.’ What even is TVP? Sounds like a banned chemical in vapes or something.”
Vegan historian and dietitian Lucy Doyle explained that the cultural divide between new and old vegans is in line with what she’s studied.
“Older people within any subculture will find themselves complaining about ‘kids these days’ regardless of context,” Doyle said solemnly. “Whether it’s about music, the economy, or hell, television, the older the person is, the more enraged they will become at the younger generation for having it easier. With Gen X vegans in particular, so much of their identity is wrapped up in being militant and unpleasant, the mere thought of an enjoyable meat-like entree simply sends them into spasms resembling psychosis. Though, to be fair, tofu dishes from the 90s were absolute dogshit.”
At press time, McMorgan was seen vandalizing the frozen meatless section at this local Target as an act of protest.