WARWICK, R.I. — Longtime Dave & Buster’s customer and man who’s had a real rough go of it lately Geoff Pond was shocked when he received what he deemed to be an unusually impersonal birthday email from his favorite bar and restaurant arcade, sources close to the broken man confirmed.
“I expect this from a Golden Corral or a Buffalo Wild Wings, but not the only place in the country where I can eat garlic parmesan truffle fries in between rounds of ‘Dance Dance Revolution,’” Pond said, choking back tears. “Out of all the national chains I’ve opted in to gladly surrender my personal information in exchange for exclusive offerings, Dave & Buster’s has consistently turned my most sensitive data into thoughtful and generous birthday emails. But not this year. All I got was a ‘Happy B-day, Buster!’ and a broken QR code. For a place that hand-breads their chicken tenders, you think they’d extend that same personal touch on your special day. Instead, they just plopped a big fat dingleberry atop my shit sundae of a year.”
Dave & Buster’s server Lonn Herbert voiced frustration from the frontlines over the email’s ripple effect on business.
“Corporate better fix this shit right quick,” Herbert said. “Ever since they sent that sorry-ass email, customers have been leaving some sorrier-ass tips. Yesterday, a patron flat out stiffed me and just wrote ‘Care harder!’ where the dollar amount that feeds my goddamn kids should be. Hey, I’m sorry your birthday sucked. And I’m sorry about that time you got served divorce papers while playing air hockey. But I’m about to phone Dave or Buster or whoever and have this guy’s Power Card privileges revoked.”
Jasper Briggs, digital marketing guru and host of popular corporate email podcast “Winbox,” explained how Dave & Buster’s turned a lemon into lemonade.
“It’s a terrible email at best,” Briggs said. “Trite. Poorly worded. Clownish design. An obscene overuse of collegiate fonts. That said, it’s also a masterstroke in digital disruption, and all thanks to the birthday boy. He posted the email on Facebook. Sobbed about it on TikTok. He even ran PSAs with his own money. All while Dave & Buster’s sat back and watched the impressions roll in. Maximum market penetration with zero financial investment from the company. That’s the birthday gift that keeps on giving.”
At press time, the controversial email was revealed to be spam, and in one click Pond ruined his credit, his identity, his relationship with Dave & Buster’s, and above all, his birthday.
Obviously dead last. Krampus is the guy who does Santa’s dirty work and he’s never given a gift in his centuries-long life unless you count a birch rod to the face. Krampus isn’t someone you want to see on your best day, let alone fresh off the heels of a drunk driving rampage that caused $96,000 in property damages and 14 injuries that made the news in 3 states.
This lusty, giant-headed goat-skinned Italian creature is not to be confused with Krampus, but will also be of little help to you. As the tradition goes, villagers lull the Badalisc into a trap with a young maiden, and then he spills the whole town’s secrets in the form of a rhyming poem. Well, good luck rhyming “Destroyed a Starbucks” with “Narrowly avoided running over an elderly woman despite his best efforts” you goat-snitch bastard!
Santa at his most pious and non-secular is unlikely to be any help to you. He is the patron saint of, among other things, children, sailors, and archers, each of whom you injured in your drunken joyride. He is also the patron saint of repentant thieves, so maybe if you can convince him that you’re sorry you robbed that archer of his right arm, who knows? Seriously though what the hell was that archer doing in the middle of the road that night?
No! What are you an idiot? How is an idea going to give you a PS5? We’re trying to play Spider-Man 2, not wax poetic over gushy holiday sentiment. Don’t waste our time.
The name is French for “Father Christmas,” though he also goes by “Papa Noel” or, “Daddy Christmas” if you nasty. As a Frenchman he has a pretty lax attitude toward drinking and finds our American drunk driving laws to be oppressive, so he’s with you. Unfortunately, he only leaves gifts in shoes that are left by the fire filled with carrots for his mule, so unless your shoe is big enough to fit a sick-ass PS5, your chances are slim.
He’s exactly like Père Noël, but Cajun style! That is to say, he delivers gifts out der oun da Bayou in a boat that is drawn by a team of 8 alligators. In other words, there is no way that dude is sober, and he doesn’t give a damn about your DUI. He doesn’t have the same shoe-sized gift restrictions as his namesake, but unfortunately, anyone traveling by gator boat is likely behind the times. We hear he’s still giving out N64s.
He does not forgive you for drinking too much alcohol and getting behind the wheel that night. He just doesn’t understand why you had to get all liquored up when you could have enjoyed the rich taste of an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Whether it’s classic, cherry, or any of their caffeine and calorie-free varietals, nothing pairs better with the moments of our lives worth celebrating than a Coca-Cola. (bottle pop sound, glug glug noise) Aaaahhh.
Upwards of 90% of robotic Santas go berserk and try to kill you. It probably won’t have anything to do with the fact that you were going 75mph the wrong way in a school zone per se, but unless that roboSanta has a PS5 in its chest (which would be dope!) your chances are slim.
Father Christmas and Santa Claus have become sort of synonymous in recent centuries, but back in the day, Father Christmas was the personification of Christmas itself. He’s an elemental avatar, like Swamp Thing, only with Christmas instead of plants. Unfortunately, he has no connection to gift-giving of any kind. He’s all about feasting and merry-making, which of course means drinking. He certainly won’t judge you, but when it comes to playing Spider-Man 2 you’re shit out of luck here.
The Dutch O.G. who puts the Saint Nick in Santa, Sinterklaas is no stranger to mistakes. The whole “Black Pete” thing went on way too long. Unfortunately, the forgiveness of your DUI notwithstanding, he can’t give you a PS5 because in the Netherlands Christmas already happened on December 6th! If only you had been busted for the drunk driving you did weeks ago, you might have started asking sooner!
Ugh, goddammit, the Hungarian Santa is another useless shoe guy who pretty much just leaves candy and finishes his rounds by December 6th. Curse you, bishop of Myra!
He also had his licence taken away and also doesn’t have a PS5 but thinks having one would be rad. Basically, he’s exactly like you only smellier and dressed like Santa. And just all-around worse.
The Santa of Texas is the latest incarnation of the jolly old gift giver. We’ll say your odds are 50/50 with Cowboy Kringle. It’s all about how you frame it. Instead of saying “I was recklessly driving under the influence and I hurt a lot of people,” try saying “I got my license cancelled by the woke-mob.”
The “Daddy Christmas” of Brazil is pretty much exactly like the American Santa, only he gives gifts through windows instead of chimneys because there aren’t a ton of chimneys in Brazil. He’s also notably sympathetic, so we’ll put him a notch above Santa Prime, but honestly, it’s hard to sympathize with someone who kept shouting “Points!” every time they drunkenly ran over something.
Yup, just your traditional old-school Santa. He’s sort of an amalgamation of every Santa on this list, so, lot of ins, lot of outs, lot of what have yous’. As the most Hallmarky interpretation of old Saint Nick, he is capable of forgiving your vehicular rampage and getting you that PS5, but you’ll have to work for it. We’re talking super grand gesture here, like adopting some of those kids you displaced when you crashed into that orphanage. Honestly, maybe not worth the effort.
