Local Bartender Using Same Three Adjectives to Describe Seventeen Different Beers

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Local bartender Zack Kenton, 28, reportedly used the same three adjectives to describe at least seventeen of the bar’s signature beers, leading to confusion and frustration among bar patrons, buzzed sources confirmed.

“He went down the list of about seventeen IPAs like a disinterested robot. I came here to forget my troubles and this guy seems to want to add to them,” said SloshRocket patron Stephanie Gianetti. “He kept saying everything was ‘fruity, hoppy and super hazy.’ It didn’t matter if it was the ‘Funky Bunch Berry IPA’, the ‘Kitty Kwister Hazy IPA,’ the ‘Atomic Snow Shovel Local IPA,’ even the ‘Thaddeus Cromsheller Esq. Spotlight Ale.’ Every single one of them was fruity, hoppy and, apparently, super hazy. I was looking to drink something malty, or even slightly baroque.”

Even fixtures of the bar, like weekly trivia-night host Grant Sanders were not spared Kenton’s beverage-based descriptions.

“I never host without a drink in my hand,” said Sanders. “Last night, Zack told me that I should get the ‘Duck Fountain Hazy IPA.’ He told me – screamed at me really – that it was super hazy, but also fruity and hoppy. Then, I told him the equipment wasn’t working and he told me to shut my fat loser mouth. Which made me realize he does know some other adjectives, I don’t know why he limits himself so much.”

When reached for comment, Kenton himself stated that he was actually quite surprised at the confusion.

“Consistency’s always been a good thing,” Kenton said with a blank expression while wiping the same spot on the bar for minutes at a time. “We like making good beers, chill vibes and tasty atmosphere. Everything we brew in house is made of the freshest hops, the ripest fruit and then we just go crazy and make it hazy. Even the stouts. Here, you guys should try this one. It’s a new recipe called ‘Grandfather’s Gooch.’ You can’t go wrong slappin’ down a tall glass of Grampy Gooch.”

At press time, Kenton was seen flirting with a bachelorette party seated at the bar and taking a drink of his own preferred brew – Black Cherry White Claw, stating: “Beer actually kinda hurts my tummy.”

How I Quit Smoking Unless It’s on Vacation, During a Party, or When I’m Feeling Stressed

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

It took me years to finally quit smoking. I’m really proud of myself. I’ve pretty much lost the desire to smoke altogether. Unless of course there’s a special circumstance—like maybe I’m on vacation, at a party, or I’m feeling really stressed. I might sneak one then. But other than that I don’t touch ‘em. I’ve made it my mission to help others do the same. So sit back, relax, and learn from a pro. Here’s how I quit smoking.

Start Small

Baby steps are key here. I started off designating certain days of the week as cig-free days. That is unless it was mojito Monday, Tequila Tuesday, wine Wednesday, thirsty Thursday, or Fernet Friday. Sometimes sake Saturday was hard to avoid, but Sunday was easy because it’s the lord’s day. The only reason I needed to smoke on Sunday is if I had work the next day.

Limit Time With Other Smokers

The best way to avoid a pesky craving? Just stop hanging out with other people that smoke. Kinda crazy that I hadn’t thought of it before. It was hard since my partner and all of my friends smoked, so I began a lone wolf lifestyle. Of course, I still let myself have a cheeky cig here and there, like after a meal or when I was feeling anxious. And I literally didn’t smoke other than that. Unless I saw a stranger smoking in public, or on the television.

Don’t Let Anyone Discourage You

When I told my friends I was trying to quit, they just laughed and said, “Okay, buddy.” Pretty discouraging. But not as discouraging as my doctor. She’d go on and on about “lung cancer, pulmonary embolism, bronchitis, hole in your throat, you’re going to need an oxygen tank to push air into the hole in your throat because you won’t be able to breathe normally,” blah blah blah. Always bringing the vibe down. Like damn, do you even want me to come back? That attitude was not what I needed when I was trying to quit smoking. Frankly, that made me nervous, so I smoked right after that.

Only Carry The Essentials

I used to buy a pack every couple of days. Then I decided to quit cold turkey. All I’d ever keep on me was an emergency pack for an unexpected moment of despair. You know, when I was struggling to meet a deadline at work, I needed some air, or I had a beer in my other hand. This technique works wonders when you’re sitting around after a meal or when you’re sipping on a hot coffee, which is still the best way to clear the pipes in the morning. A hot cup of coffee and a cigarette is truly the fastest way to get your guts gurgling, and should be considered a little freebie when you’re backed up.

Practice Saying “No”

The hardest part about quitting is being surrounded by other smokers. It almost feels as though they’re taunting you. It made me feel like my friends were waving their cigarettes in my face and blowing the smoke directly at me. It’s hard to resist. Especially when someone offers you a cig. This will be difficult, but you have to practice saying “no,” to those polite gestures. Walk on down to the nearest liquor store to buy a second emergency pack. After all, what the hell else are you supposed to do with your hands while you’re standing outside the bar anyway? You probably look like a sociopath just raw dogging the vibes like that. Don’t worry, it’s just a single cigarette, it’s not like you’re “smoking” again or anything.

By now, you’ve probably quit altogether. I’m so proud of you. I hope these tips have helped in some small way. Now let’s celebrate with a smoke break!

Midwest Emo Band Releases Special “Oops! All Intros” Version of New Album

Posted on by Peter Woods

AMES, Iowa — Local midwest emo band Local Tennis released a new album titled “Oops! All Intros” which features 36 introductions to songs that appear on their other releases, confused sources confirmed.

“We went into the studio fully intending to write a fully realized album about growing up, relationships, and heartache,” said guitarist Jackie Villa. “We also wanted to have a few solid intros, so we brought in a bunch of TV and podcast samples and just sort of improvised around them. About halfway through, we realized that this was better than the songs we had spent months writing, which is sort of sad but we rolled with it. On day three of recording I was texting a few of my ex-girlfriends just to bait them leaving angry voicemails.

However, die-hard fans of the band seem less enthused than the members.

“It’s pretty clear these assholes sold out,” said longtime supporter Ty Grant. “They used to be about the music, and now they seem to be more interested in writing ambient songs around old clips of Alan Watts. But I’m not surprised, they already started to go down this road on their last album. If you count how many notes the guitarists tapped on that album and the one before, which I did because I’m an actual fan, you’ll see that the total tapped notes decreased by 12. Pretty clear they’re trying to jump to a major label in the next year or two.”

Yet others outside of the band have shared in the excitement of the group’s new direction.

“This is going to bring a whole new level of exposure to some great musicians who deserve it,” said Blair Melton, the head of the band’s label Tallyhoe Records. “Almost anyone who listens to music nowadays does so through TikTok videos or Instagram reels. And you just can’t make a meme out of an 8-minute slow build emo track. A bunch of intros, though? That’s going to move units enough units to buy my mom a new condo.”

At press time, Local Tennis announced they will be releasing a special edition single-sided 7” on Record Store Day that includes all of the outros from the original album.

Pathetic Nerd Knows Names of Everyone in Band They Like

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Pathetic fucking nerd James Flick admitted that he knows the names of every band member in every single band he likes, confirmed sources who have no idea why he retains this information.

“Whenever I get into a new band, I just want to learn as much as I can about them,” said the absolute fucking loser dork Flick. “I usually start by checking out their Wikipedia page or Bandcamp and spend some time listening to their discography. Once I feel like I know the band pretty well, I make sure to learn the individual names, faces, and instruments of the band members. You never know when it’ll come in handy! It also doesn’t hurt to know a little bit about their families and where they work. I might bump into one of them while waiting in line at the supermarket and I’m sure it would be flattering to have a stranger know their name, their partner’s name, and a rough idea of where they live.”

Regina Carp, bass player for Los Angeles-based punk band Shitcan, had a discomforting interaction with the pitiful Flick at a recent house show.

“After we had finished playing, this guy came up to me and said, ‘Nice set Regina.’ I didn’t know him, and our band doesn’t really have much of an internet presence, so I was kinda caught off guard that he knew my name,” said Carp. “It was weird. I politely said thanks but he just kinda kept standing there. Then he said, ‘You had a birthday recently, right? Happy belated birthday!’ At this point, I was like ‘Who the fuck is this sorrowful non-entity and how does he know all this shit about me?’ I don’t even tell my friends about my birthday! It was like I was dealing with an even more menacing Nardwuar.”

Carmen Salazar, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and an expert in the psyche of sad schmucks, says this sort of behavior is common among some music fans.

“A lot of fans connect to bands through their music. Pathetic fucking goobers, on the other hand, want to feel connected to the band itself. They want to force a familiarity and intimacy that is not there,” said Salazar. “This drive to connect can lead them on a relentless search for information about the bands they love. In its simplest form, this pathology leads to individuals knowing the names of every member of a given band. In its more serious configurations, the wretched dweeb learns more personal information, like Social Security numbers or Ancestry DNA results. The line between casual fan and stalker is slim.”

At press time, Flick was putting together flashcards in preparation to see his new favorite 25-piece ska/baroque pop band, Skarmoire.

Opinion: Look, I’m Sorry but the Best Time for Me to Unsubscribe From Emails Is When I’m Barreling Down I-95 in My Ford F-150, Okay?!

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

I’m a very, very, VERY busy man. It’s SO HARD running a successful small business out of the back of my gigantic 2015 Ford F-150 SuperCrew Cab XLT Pickup truck. When I first started, they said these Herbalife supplements would sell themselves. Turns out that’s not exactly true.

The demands placed on me as an entrepreneur are EXTREME, OK? I’m taking Zoom calls. I’m writing important things in my notebook. I’m practicing a growth mindset. There are just not enough hours in the day. When am I supposed to unsubscribe from all the email newsletters that I pathologically sign up for on a daily basis?

That’s why I’ve learned to multitask. Have you heard of it? It’s when you ENHANCE YOUR TIME by doing more than one thing at once. I heard an interview with Swedish time optimization expert Sven Berg on the Huberman Lab podcast and it has CHANGED MY LIFE, OKAY? I’m banging out bicep curls while meal-prepping. I’m doing yoga nidra while listening to the audiobook version of Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers. And yes, I’m unsubscribing from emails while barreling down the I-95 corridor in my HUGE pickup truck.

Look, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying, “Clive, that’s pretty dangerous behavior. You should be keeping your eyes on the road and not using your phone while driving.” THAT’S WHAT MY WIFE REBECCA SAYS TOO.

But that is a SELF-LIMITING MINDSET, OK? How do you expect to MAXIMIZE YOUR LIFE if you’re giving all of your attention to only a single thing at a time? How do you expect to MEET THE GOALS you’ve set for yourself? How do you expect to unload the BOXES AND BOXES of Herbalife Formula 1 Healthy Meal Banana Caramel Nutritional Shake Mix taking up space in your Aberdeen, Maryland split level?

“OK Clive,” you say. “Why not just stop signing up for email newsletters then?” One, it’s NOT THAT EASY. And two, you MUST HAVE BEEN talking to my wife Rebecca. WHO GAVE YOU HER NUMBER?

I can’t, OK? There are just too many of them. Everyday I AM AT WAR with my inbox in an effort to combat my COMPULSIVE NEWSLETTER HABIT. I have LOST CONTROL and until I REGAIN CONTROL I will continue to unsubscribe from emails while driving. I’m sorry.

Study Finds Most Americans Using Vacation Time To Wait On Hold and Dispute Medical Bills

Posted on by Matt McInerney

PHILADELPHIA – Researchers at Temple University found that most Americans are using their precious few vacation days to sit on hold and argue with medical billing offices, according to a new study.

“I was actually conducting a different phone survey during my holiday break, but almost every time someone answered, they said they were on the other line with an insurance company,” said Davina Lindsey, a researcher at Temple. “It seemed like the only people who picked up were just relieved to talk to a real person after hours of soul-crushing hold music. And everyone had the same reason: this vacation was their only time to decipher the cryptic logic behind a denied claim. So, I shifted my focus here because that kind of nightmare means grant money, baby!”

Grady Lester, a local business owner enjoying his only real time off this year, experienced exactly this phenomenon.

“The Christmas-to-New Year’s window is the only peace I get. Finally, a time when no employees or clients are calling. So, of course, I’m spending it quarreling over my once-in-a-lifetime blood work being labeled ‘medically unnecessary,’” said Lester. “I only agreed to the doctor’s test because the urgent care nurse scared me with talk of imminent death. It turns out I’m not dying, just bleeding financially. I’ve learned my lesson, though. The next time I’m feeling gravely ill, I’ll do what my childhood dog did and sneak into the woods to die for free.”

Bria Rose, a representative for a health insurance company, expressed clarity about what is happening here.

“I just took this job to pay my own medical bills. I know my role–I’m a human roadblock designed to waste enough of your time that you’ll give up and pay. I can wait out anyone long enough that they’ll ask themselves, ‘why am I doing this?’ as they notice their child looking a little older than they remember,” said Rose as she felt another small piece of her soul escape her body. “I’m not sure I’d call it a healthcare ‘system’ exactly. As far as I can tell, claim denials are mostly decided at random. And they’re really just hoping that you don’t have enough PTO to afford the dispute before your deductible resets next year.”

At press time, an additional study revealed most remaining vacation time is used checking work emails to avoid being overwhelmed the moment you’re back in the office.

15 New Year’s Resolutions That Will Piss Off Your Dad

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

The new year is almost here and it’s time to pick a resolution that has value, which means you need a resolution that will piss off your dad. Yep, we’re talking about the kind of goals that will send him into a blind rage. They’re gonna make him question everything and lament the “good ol’ days,” when he could drive without a seatbelt or show up at any establishment and get a job the same day. These kids with their iPads and their dabbing make him sick. But it’s fun to see him get so mad, which is exactly why we made this list of resolutions that are guaranteed to tick him off.

Wear sunscreen

Actively avoiding skin cancer? Not very manly. This one annoys the hell out of men over 50. He’ll hate having to wait around for you to apply it before leaving the house. When he sees you reapplying at the pool, he’ll point and laugh. He will get sunburnt just to spite you. When you ask if he wants aloe vera he will tell you no way, he’s not a pussy.

Talk about your feelings

Telling your Dad about your depression is guaranteed to make him uncomfortable. What are you, sad or some shit? Quit bumming everyone out, because he will give you something to cry about. Just drink a beer and fix the fence or something. He’ll attempt to change the subject to that oil change you need and/or leave to get some more Coor’s Light.

Get a pedicure

Treating yourself to something nice and indulging in some self-care will definitely send any Dad into a spiral. He’ll definitely call you a virgin nerd before jumping on his lawnmower to calm himself down. He will question everything when he sees the little sunflower decal they put on your big toe.

Go vegan

Can’t have a burger and fries with your Dad at Applebee’s? Might as well have killed his dog with a hammer while talking about how much you hate the Cowboys. He will attribute this life change to all those video games you play and those nutjobs at NPR. You better start eating like a real man, otherwise you’ll never get that promotion, and you sure as hell won’t be strong enough to defend a lady.

Tell your Dad you love him

Nothing will catches a father off guard as much as telling him you love him. He might freeze up, he might walk away—either way he is going to short circuit. Where’s your mom anyway? She probably has something to show you…

Use pomade to style your hair

Your Dad will think this is so dumb. Looking presentable and clean is overrated for him. Only losers spend that much time getting ready. And anyway, why would you waste an opportunity to wear your Longhorns hat? You got someone to impress, Mr. Ding Dong?

Buy an electric car

Want to really miff him? Do something good for the environment and buy an electric car! Dad will say, oh, come on! These things are a total rip off! Get rid of that sissy hunk of political garbage. You need a Dodge Ram with those little balls hanging from the bottom and a sticker of Calvin pissing on the words “your mom.” Now that’s funny.

Ask for help at Home Depot

Your Dad will be beside himself when he learns you actually asked someone for help at Home Depot. He will be so embarrassed that you just gave up like that instead of fumbling around for several hours looking for toggle bolts. Way to give up without a fight, he will say.

Bedazzle your steering wheel

He taught you how to drive—now he can watch you drive in style. He will definitely try to jump out the passenger door when he clocks your rhinestone-encrusted steering wheel, so make sure you put the child lock on. He’ll keep his eyes closed and clench his fists the entire ride.

Learn a TikTok dance

This will be the only time you will see a grown man cry tears of red hot rage, other than when his favorite sports team loses the Superbowl or whatever. When there’s a national emergency, and you need to prepare for the worst, he asks, what the hell will a stupid internet jig do for you? He thinks you’re going to “floss” straight into a watery grave.

Bleach your butthole

Why the hell do I need to know what you do to your privates?! Dad will ask. Just keep it clean and wear a glove, he will mutter before walking back to the garage. Bring photos of the before and after so he can appreciate the transformation. Don’t forget to give him a referral code and tell him it’s for a rainy day.

Build a shed and put all of your vintage porcelain dolls inside

When you decide to build a shed, your Dad will be stoked. He finally taught his boy something worthwhile. But he will consider drinking bleach once he realizes you’re only building it to house all of your vintage porcelain dolls so they can have tea parties in peace. While you explain how each of them have their own, special personalities, Dad will punch the air and sob all over his cargo shorts.

Buy a mini horse

Dad will laugh at first, but then become very concerned about why you bought a mini horse and not a regular horse. Jeez, man. Why didn’t you get one that can actually do something? Where are you even gonna put him? He’s gonna shit all over the house! Dad will continue yelling into the night and during “Castaway,” the movie you put on for the mini horse.

Design a flower arrangement for Dad’s poker night

Dad’s buddies will rip him a new asshole for this one. They’ll ask why his son is making these obnoxiously large flower arrangements in the shape of famous historical figures for boys’ night. They’ll slowly stop coming over for poker night because they feel weird about it. What a shame that dad won’t have his three favorite baldies to talk to about traffic with.

Create a signature fragrance for men called, “Bussy”

The best part about this one is watching Dad’s face turn beet red when you explain what a bussy is. He’ll throw his hands up and yell, come on man! Get that shit outta here. He may throw a chair or smash a lamp. He’s such a silly guy. If only he knew how to accept that he likes men and admit that mom is his beard.

Aging Punk Celebrates New Year’s Eve On Whatever Time Zone Gets Him In Bed By 10 p.m.

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

AUSTIN, Texas — Aging punk Sean Dennings shocked the local community when he swapped a New Year’s Eve rager for a quiet night at home, on whatever time zone got him in bed by 10 p.m., confirmed sources who plan on drinking for the next 48 hours.

“I hate staying up late, nothing good happens after 8 p.m. and I’d honestly rather wake up early so I can have my morning smoke while the air is still crisp,” Dennings admitted. “I’m going to celebrate New Year’s Eve on Icelandic time if that means I get to bed at a reasonable hour. I’m almost 40 and my bones feel thin like ancient papyrus or single-ply toilet paper. They ache and creak now. If I don’t get a full eight hours of sleep, they will probably disintegrate into a pile of dust and rubble.”

Dennings’ friend of ten years, Hayley Vail describes him as a reformed party boy who’s traded his New Year’s Eves of debauchery and stolen street signs with lavender room spray, bedtime yoga, and the quiet crafting of a vision board.

“This man once moshed in the nude on NYE to a Green Day cover band,” Vail reminisced. “He use to be crazy, down for anything. One year he pissed his pants and shat himself, twice and then rode the bus across town as a joke. Another, he got a tattoo of Captain Crunch on his lower back and then smashed a beer can on his tattoo artist’s head. Sean was chaos back then. It’s insane to see how much he’s changed. Now, you won’t find him within 10 square miles of a bar past 7 p.m. on New Year’s. He’s truly transformed into a decrepit old man who would sell his withered body to score some REM sleep if he could.”

Sociologist Jane Herald says research shows that once they reach age 30, most punks will lose their ability to stay awake for more than an hour after dinner.

“This is actually a very common occurrence,” Herald confirmed. “We have found that punks fall asleep much faster and much earlier once they turn 30. Those who were once able to go on a 36-hour bender are immediately overcome by the need to lie in bed. It’s like a switch is flipped and an inherent desire to purchase an ergonomic pillow is awakened. From there, we’ll usually see a decline in attendance to social events that take place once the sun sets, and a significant increase in heartburn. This plays a crucial role in the punk’s New Year’s Eve Plans.”

Dennings said he plans on celebrating his next NYE countdown on Singapore time so that he has plenty of time before bed to soak in the bath and wind down with some Angry Birds.

Help! I Insta-Stalked My Middle School Bully and They’re Actually Doing Pretty Well in Life

Posted on by Ellie Nas

I was scrolling through the gram on a Friday night when I got the urge to look up a few people from middle school. Not because I think about middle school a lot in my free time but because who hasn’t done that?

After finding a few buds from the anime club I was a member of, I started getting curious about what happened to the girl who bullied me for my haircut and Warrior Cats obsession (when she’s never picked up a book in her life).

I’m not gonna lie, I was a little excited to see how crappy her life now in her late-20s is because my mom always told me my bullies would never amount to anything. How could they when they were a bunch of preppy normies with no real ambition in life besides shopping at Hollister?

I looked up her name and it took me a while until I finally found her Instagram on the third page of the Google searches.

I was pretty shocked to find out Jennifer’s a paralegal and not in some sketchy-ass pyramid scheme selling energy bars and protein powder. She even had some sappy posts about how she’s about to finish law school and she’s ready for this “new chapter of her life.” The comment section was flooded with people showering her with gratitude and attention. So typical of Jennifer to still be Little Miss Popular and one-up everyone.

Honestly, It’s pretty embarrassing how she’s parading her life around on social media and showing off her career, fancy engagement ring, and new house in the suburbs with a literal white picket fence. After reverse image searching every post for a couple of hours to find her address to see how much her house cost I realized her parents are probably paying for it anyway so who even cares?

I’ve been keeping an eye on her account and judging from her most recent posts, she and her fiancé just went on a wine tour in Siena, but whatever, I can get wine at the drugstore five minutes from my apartment. Stuck up bitch.

Even though she looks happy, I can tell she’s still the attention-seeking girl she always was and she’s stuck in her middle-school mentality of popularity and having better things than everyone around her. It’s kind of pathetic and I feel like I’m the only one who can see through her facade.

Once I get my license back I’m egging that pretty new house.

Punk Vows to Smoke Healthier Cigarettes in the New Year

Posted on by Ryan Dondero

PHILADELPHIA — Local Punk, Sid Stott, announced his plans to improve his health and well-being by smoking healthier cigarettes in the New Yea, skeptical sources confirmed.

“I know it’s not really ‘punk’ to have New Year’s resolutions, but fuck that, this year is going to be different. I’m getting healthy. Once January 1st rolls around, it’s only organic, additive-free cigs for me,” said Stott, alternatingly pressing a cigarette and Steel Reserve tallboy to his lips. “I realized I’m getting older and that I need to make some major lifestyle changes if I’m going to stick around for the long haul. Like, I can’t believe it but my sister’s kid is about to turn 12! Who is going to give her tips on running from the cops or stealing from Target if I’m not around? My poser brother Mick? Ha! Yeah right.”

“Look, my grandfather on my mom’s side smoked Marlboro Menthol Gold 100’s like it was his job and he died at 57,” added Stott. “My other grandfather, on my dad’s side, is still kicking at 85 and he smokes a pack of American Spirits a day. I’m not like a fucking scientist or whatever but it’s obvious why one is still around.”

Stott’s long-time girlfriend, Iris Claude, says he’s excellent about making New Year’s resolutions and sticking to them.

“It is by far the most normie thing about him,” said Claude. “Last year, Sid said he was going to stop shoplifting from CVS and he fucking stopped. Dude just went cold turkey. He still steals candy from Walgreens on occasion but he stuck to the CVS thing. The year before that Sid said he was going to be nicer to the bassist in his band, Mike, and he was! He only threw one beer bottle full of piss at him that whole year.”

Surgeon General of the United States, Vivek Murthy, says there is no such thing as a “healthier cigarette” and that the healthiest choice was to quit smoking completely.

“Many Americans choose to make New Year’s resolutions this time of year and many will reconsider their relationship to tobacco,” said Murthy. “I want to be blunt: the idea that ‘organic’ cigarettes are healthy is a dangerous myth. No cigarette use is healthy. Cigarette use is tied to a myriad of diseases including cancer, emphysema, and heart disease. But come to think of it, death by those diseases is probably preferable to being caught vaping! At least people look cool smoking cigarettes.”

At press time, Stott was planning on smoking his last carton of Newports in one last New Year’s Eve chain-smoking blowout.