The Employees of “Empire Records” Ranked By How Likely They Are Still Working Retail

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

“Damn the man! Save the Empire!” These were the rallying cries of every spirited “teen” working at the fictional store in the film “Empire Records.” They all had such big dreams for their future. But truly, how many of these eclectic employees of the Tower Records-esque store are still toiling away in some form of retail? Join us as we revisit the quirky crew of “Empire Records” and rank their likelihood of still punching the clock at the register.

8. Warren

Let’s face it, Warren’s knack for trouble and lack of ambition probably landed him in a perpetual cycle of entry-level retail jobs. He finally finds the role he was born for: as a security guard at Wal-Mart. He takes pleasure in busting shoplifters, harassing skateboarders, and screaming at old women who ring up their organic bananas as regular

Odds of Still Working Retail: Alarmingly High

7. Mark

Let’s be real, Mark’s perpetually stoned vibe and love for pop culture make him a perfect fit for a perpetually rotating roster of part-time retail gigs. He’s the eternal retail warrior, and his loyalty means he is probably still with Joe at the new Empire location that mainly sells Funko Pop! and other collectibles. He’s assistant manager now, but mostly just because hes been there for so long and is best at hiding that he’s dead inside.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Highly Probable

6. Joe

Despite his laid-back demeanor, Joe’s love for music and the vibe of Empire Records is unmatched. He’s the type who’d still be behind the counter, recommending obscure vinyl records with a side of wisdom to any passerby. The physical location of Empire Records probably had to move out its lavish digs and into a run down strip mall around 2006, when digital took over. Joe is probably still there, all the more bitter, surrounded by anime action figures and any other physical media people actually buy nowadays.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Sadly High

5. Gina

Gina’s eye for style and ambition would have propelled her straight into the fashion industry, however she just can’t make it as a fashion designer. After a decade as a designer’s assistant, Gina will burn out and end up being a district manager for seven rue21 locations in suburban Dallas.

Odds of Still Working Retail: High

4. A.J.

A.J.’s sensitive soul and artistic talents lead him to art school and living the bohemian dream. However, after trying to make it as a starving artist A.J. briefly goes back to his roots at Empire, but it felt like a high school football player trying to relive his glory days. He stays long enough to get a teacher’s certificate and now teaches art classes at a charter high school in Charlotte, NC.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Unlikely

3. Corey

Corey’s determination, ambition, and most importantly family connections, would have propelled her into a more prestigious career track. She’s now likely a high-powered lawyer, managing a team of associates. She is on Facebook but has ignored all friend requests from the Empire crew. She still texts with A.J. though… just in case.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Doubtful

2. Debra

Debra’s fiery spirit and determination to fight against the establishment would have led her on a path far away from the cash register. She’s now likely a prominent activist, leading protests and making documentaries. Her energy has waned as of late and she much prefers to spend time with her wife and horses in Ashville.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Highly Unlikely

1. Lucas

Let’s face it, Lucas was always destined for bigger things than a cash register. With his entrepreneurial spirit and penchant for risky schemes, he’s probably running his own tech startup now. While never outright discussed, it seemed that Lucas, who seemed to be estranged from his family, comes from money.

Odds of Still Working Retail: Slim to None

Honorable Mention: Eddie 

While not on the schedule to work on “Rex Manning Day” Eddie was still part of the team. Obviously, Eddie OD’d not long after the events of “Rex Manning Day” and the pizza parlor he worked at named a pie in his honor.

Every Presidents of the United States of America Album Ranked

Posted on by Joe Rumrill

Finally, it’s time to cover some Presidents worth respecting! Armed with modified guitars and basses that ditched excessive strings, and led by Seattle smile-inducer Chris Ballew, the Presidents proved that grunge could be fun and, dare we say, even played with a grin (and yet nobody at the time thought to coin the term “gringe” or “funge”?! Grunbelievable…) The Presidents hit that almighty musical sweet spot between cool and goofy that rarely descends into novelty (sorry, Dr. Demento, you can’t quite have these guys) And today we’re ranking their studio albums from worst to best. Hail to these chiefs, and only to these chiefs!

6. Freaked Out and Small (2000)

“What’s with all those extra strings clattering around on this one?” you may ask yourself while listening to “Freaked Out and Small”…well, good ears on you, my friend! This is indeed the only Presidents album played with actual guitars and basses (the excess of success had clearly gotten to these fellows!) This means that, good or not, for that reason, we must put it squarely last. C;mon, we just made a huge deal about their modified guitars in the intro paragraph, we you expect us to automatically betray our own writing like that? Shame on you! Sure is a nice looking poodle on the cover, though! That can’t be said for a lot of records, even the harshest critics (us) must admit!

Play It Again: “Jupiter”
Skip It: “Jazz Guy”

5. Kudos to You! (2014)

For a quote-unquote “one-hit wonder” band, these fellas sure did crank out the good time rock ‘n roll straight on to the end of their run. In their final(?) full length, PotUSA takes the listener on a sonic ride that would be toward the top of this list if the rest of their output didn’t rule that much harder. If you’re down to clown around with these boys, then you’re in for a good time no matter what. On “Rooftops In Spain”, the band sounds like Dwayne’s group Scäb on Home Movies, and on pseudo science-tinged “Flea vs. Mite” gives the impression that they’re auditioning to be the understudies for They Might Be Giants, if the Johns ever came down with the flu.

Play It Again: “Rooftops In Spain”
Skip It: “Crappy Ghost”

4. These Are the Good Times People (2008)

Even though this is the first album without their classic lineup, this album lives up to its title for the most part. “These Are the Good Times” shows the band not letting the constraints of their reliable set-up not get in the way of great songwriting, and they play around with their set sound with new instruments invited to their tea party, like the addition of bold brass on “Sharpen Up Those Fangs” and breezy acoustic guitar on “Bad Times.” The Prezzes here are more akin to a looser, more party-ready version of Fountains of Wayne, and hey, they didn’t even have to write anything about being attracted to their classmate’s mother. On top of everything else, this one has “Loose Balloon,” one of the prettiest things these goofs have ever written.

Play It Again: So Lo So Hi”
Skip It: “Flame is Love”

3. Love Everybody (2004)

PotUSA’s final album with their classic lineup including original “guitbass” player Dave Dederer (an 11-year term, not too shabby for a president!) “Love Everybody” oscillates seamlessly between tongue-in-cheek goofy stuff that would have those Ween boys green with jealousy, and more mainstream pop-punk that sounds like they’re trying to give Blink a run for their money. The Dennis-The-Menace-core “Poke and Destroy” especially dredges up the joy of being an elementary school boy, and is best listened to with a slingshot in your back pocket. This album is notable for some pretty amazing keyboard work that not only calls to mind their ’60s garage rock influences, but the best of Beck or the Beastie Boys.

Play It Again: “Some Postman”
Skip It: “Munky River”

2. Self-Titled (1995)

It’s got “Lump.” It’s got “Peaches.” It’s even got a damn MC5 cover… folks, we’re in good hands here on PotUSA’s debut album. We imagine it certainly slapped a smile or two onto the youth of the country’s sullen grunge-drunk faces. And for that, we salute them a million times over. A whole record full of playful, driving rock that never crosses the line into straight up comedy, enforced by the fact that Weird Al had his way with “Lump” via “Gump.” He wouldn’t parody an already funny song, he’s too smart for that! The man’s got a degree in architecture, for god’s sake!

Play It Again: “Dune Buggy”
Skip It: “Body”

1. II (1996)

The answer to the question “Did they suffer a post-Lump slump?” is a resounding hell no. The Presidents barrel into their sophomore album with a cordial greeting in “Ladies and Gentleman Pt. 1” and then light a stick of dynamite that keeps blasting off until signing off with the exact same song at the end. Pretty baller move, and they pull it off quite convincingly! Songs like “Mach 5” and “Volcano” can’t help but worm their way into your subconscious – a pretty simple thing for a band who’s got so many songs about critters and crawlers, I suppose, but nevertheless: II is #1 in our book!

Play It Again: “Bug City”
Skip It: “L.I.P”

Surprising Study Finds Drivers from State Neighboring Your State Are the Worst Drivers

Posted on by Patrick Coyne

NEW YORK — An alarming scientific study has discovered that the absolute worst drivers in the US are almost exclusively from whichever state or states happen to border your own, road rage-addled sources confirmed.

“The impetus for the study came from my observation that whenever some dingus was tailgating or turning without a signal, they always had New Jersey plates. Then another researcher from New York expressed a similar frustration with Pennsylvania drivers,” said Dr. Tasha Martin. “We began testing by placing several mice in tiny little cars. Some rodents were given cheesesteaks and taught to shout ‘go birds’ at random intervals. Others were given Springsteen records and had their hair teased up with ungodly amounts of hair spray. Without fail, the mice began acting aggressively towards one another, making ‘jerk off’ motions with their paws and sometimes retrieving a cute little tire iron from their trunks and smashing another mouse’s windshield.”

Virginia Beach traffic cop Alan Myers knows firsthand the frustration of out-of-state drivers.

“I built much of my career harassing these piece of crap tourists. It’s so frustrating the way they come here in droves every summer and support small businesses,” said Myers. “Luckily for us, nailing these goons for moving violations because they don’t know our weird and arbitrary laws is easier than arresting a homeless guy for sleeping on a bench. Adjusting the radio volume without a broadcasting license? That’s a ticket. Counting to 3 seconds using ‘alligator’ instead of ‘Mississippi’ at a stop sign? That’s a ticket. Conducting a Chinese fire drill without notifying the PRC consulate? You guessed it, ticket.”

Sociologist Monica Villerael posits that this interstate tension is not limited to automobile traffic.

“Human beings are very tribal and seemingly ready to fight over any trivial thing – from sports fandom to opinions on who is the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time. It’s ridiculous though, as the obvious answer is ‘The Honky Tonk Man,’” said Villarreal. “But fighting among various states has always been present. Oklahoma hates Texas, Indiana hates Illinois, and of course, everyone hates California. Yet, only once has it actually boiled over into actual violence and destruction. That’s how we ended up losing the former US state of East Kentucky.”

Currently Dr. Martin is studying the alleged connection between pickup truck drivers and the inability to remove their heads from their own rectal cavities.

Progress! This Conservative Dad Just Called His Trans Daughter a “Fucking Bitch”

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Think older generations are forever set in their ways? Think again! When 57-year-old Scott Kessler’s 26-year-old daughter Vanya first came out to him as a trans woman, the Fox News devotee and self-proclaimed “anti-woke warrior” was initially resistant. But that all changed when, at a family dinner, he referred to her by a profane and, most importantly, female-specific term that everyone in the restaurant could hear.

“It was Mom’s birthday, so we went out for a nice dinner, which, to Dad, means the shitty LongHorn Steakhouse 10 minutes from their place,” Vanya said.”He was complaining about how they fucked up his sirloin and saying that somebody should’ve picked another place. That’s when I said we tried but he wouldn’t listen, and he threw his silverware on the table and yelled, “No, you listen, you fucking bitch!’ I had to go cry some tears of joy in the bathroom. Granted, pretty much the entire floor was covered in piss.”

And just in case anyone thinks he was being performatively chauvinistic, he repeated himself several times over, even when his daughter wasn’t in earshot!

“Right after Vanya had excused herself, Dad kept going on about what an ungrateful bitch she was being,” older brother Colton said. “He was clearly struggling not to misgender her like usual. I swear, towards the end of his rant, I heard him mutter.’Who the hell does she think she is?”

After Scott went to tell their server how he was being generous by tipping eight percent for her ‘unexceptional hospitality,’ matriarch Robyn spoke to her significant other’s ability to still surprise her after more than three decades together.

“When Vanya was growing up, Scott used to call her ‘a weird little fruit’ and say she had ‘better man up and stop crying’ on a weekly basis. So, I certainly wasn’t expecting him to refer to her by the same term he does to me when I ask him to maybe stop spending two grand a month on DraftKings,” Robyn said. “My past few birthdays have been pretty unpleasant for reasons not worth getting into. But at least he’s using his petulance and regressive attitude for some kind of good.”

What an arc! He might not be calling Vanya by her actual name anytime soon, but he’s clearly found room in his heart to be misogynistic and emotionally abusive in a whole new way.

New FAFSA Forms Simply Asks Students “Do You Ski?”

Posted on by Sarah Cortina

WASHINGTON —The Department of Education announced that next year’s FAFSA application will be simplified to only ask students “Do you ski?” after a tumultuous rollout of the 2024 forms, insiders confirmed.

“We really screwed the pooch here. It’s bad. Like really bad. I mean, it’s crazy that we even got a new form to get approved by Congress. I mean, yeah, some kids this year might not be able to go to college because we couldn’t get our system figured out, but not everyone has to go to get higher education,” Justin Draeger, the president and CEO of the National Association of Student Financial Aid Administrators. “Welders are making six figures, and college grads are making $20 an hour. Anyways, this question pretty easily signifies if you grew up upper middle class. We were debating between this one, ‘Where do you buy your groceries?’ and ‘Where are you going for spring break?’ but the good old ski culture won out in the end.”

High school seniors across the country admit the new form is much easier, but has it’s own drawbacks.

“I asked my dad if I should fill out the FAFSA form, and he said no, because they just made it one bullshit question,” said Jason Smith, a Colorado native who was denied federal funding. “I’m just confused. Everyone else in Vail grew up skiing, we’re just like every other family. Like, my skis are literally so old. And I only get to buy a new winter coat every two years. This is actually prejudiced against me.”

Some have taken issue with the new move, including Anne Mason, 71.

“Kids these days have it too easy. Oh, you want a simpler student loan form? When I was going to college, we didn’t even have FAFSA. We had to pay the full $800 tuition per year all by ourselves, and pay any loans off for the next 6-12 months after we graduated,” said Mason while paying her teenage neighbor $5 to mow the lawn in front of her $1.1M home. “And frankly, the ‘ski question’ is insulting to those of us who feel that skiing is an important part of our culture.”

As of press time, government officials are now reportedly planning to use this simplified approach in the Presidential election, asking candidates the question “Did you or someone you love do something illegal?”

Local Teachers Union Announces Plans to Invade Gaza in Order to Secure Government Funding

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

QUINCY, Mass. — Members of the Massachusetts Teachers Association are reportedly making plans to launch an all-out attack on Gaza in order to get some shred of government funding, bespectacled sources confirmed.

“Our teachers are tired of spending their own money on standard supplies. Taxpayers expect their money to go to schools and roads, but instead we are sending money to people halfway across the world so they can commit war crimes,” said union rep Trish O’Connell. “We’ve come to the logical conclusion that the only way to get government funding is to commit war crimes ourselves. We wish it didn’t have to come to this, most of us have never fired a gun, we don’t look like soldiers, and flying that far is going to make us jet lagged for days if not weeks. But it’s the only way our members will get any support from Congress.”

Joseph Flannery, a 7th grade Social Studies teacher, admitted he’s looking forward to his deployment.

“I’m in my late 50s and I’m sad to admit I get winded walking from my car to my classroom, but I thought about it and I can either get shot in a war overseas or I can get shot by some active shooter while I do a lesson about the Revolutionary War,” said Flannery. “I’m really curious just how quickly the U.S. war machine will provide us with weapons, because the U.S. education machine is in pieces on the floor, and teachers are paying for the repairs.”

Former President Joe Biden saluted the brave teachers and their decision.

“Listen Jack, the educators in the country are some of the most hard-working people I’ve ever met. They will make a great addition to the fight against terrorism. It’s because most of them have nothing to live for anyway because they can’t retire, they are in terrifying debt, and parents get to tell them what they can teach,” said Biden. “I hope we send an extra billion dollars over there to motivate more people to join these brave teachers. Go to Israel and see what the American government can really do. And let’s not forget they won’t have to pay for healthcare over there thanks to our taxpayer dollars.”

At press time, the teachers were holding a bake sale to raise funds for their airfare.

He Just Doesn’t Learn: 9 Other Times Mick Jagger Hired Hells Angels To Work Security Where They Stabbed Someone

Posted on by Dan Rice

On December 6th, 1969, just a few months after the Woodstock festival, a free concert was held at The Altamont Speedway headlined by The Rolling Stones. For security, The Stones hired the notorious motorcycle gang the Hells Angels to sit on the stage paying them in unlimited free beer. Tensions were high from the get-go, escalating when one of the Angel’s bikes was accidentally knocked over. During The Stones’s set, a man later confirmed to be on meth approached the stage carrying a gun. Members of Hells Angels detained him and stabbed him to death with broken pool cues.

The event was captured by a camera crew and became the focal point of the infamous documentary “Gimmie Shelter.” It was every bit as significant as the Manson murders in tarnishing the hippie movement and bringing the ‘60s to a spiritual end, but if you think that’s the last time The Rolling Stones collaborated with Hells Angels, you don’t know Jagger.

Presented in chronological order, today we examine nine other occasions where Jagger’s tendency to hire Hells Angels and pay them in unlimited alcohol resulted in stabbings.

Altamont, The Next Day

In what has somehow become a footnote in rock history, the organizers of the free concert at Altamont did the whole thing over the next night as a sort of make-good. The Angels promised to be on their best behavior so long as they were once again paid in unlimited beer, terms that Mick Jagger inexplicably agreed to.

By the end of the night, the Angels were throwing guns in front of the stage and taunting drugged-out hippies to try and pick one up. A total of three people tried and were promptly stabbed with pool cues.

Filming the Reaction Scenes in “Gimmie Shelter”

Yes, it’s confounding, but during the reaction shots of The Stones watching the first cut of the documentary Hells Angels are off camera, waiting in the wings in case the shit goes down. By the time the group hears the threatening post-Altamont phone call in which Sonny Barger calls Mick Jagger an idiot and justifies murder over a kicked motorcycle even Mick must have been thinking “Should I have hired these guys again?”

It definitely adds a layer to an already complicated documentary. After the screening, the Angels reenacted the stabbing to show their side of things and accidentally killed a cameraman.

His Daughter’s 10th Birthday Party

It’s understandable that in Mick Jagger’s elite world, even something as simple as a child’s birthday requires some level of security. All the same, it is truly baffling that Mick went with Hells Angels on this one. It’s even more baffling that once again, Mick opted to pay the Angels in beer.

Tensions came to a head when Mick made a toast “To the most beautiful little girl in the whole world!” Prompting Angels member Tommy Fingers to protest “Hey buddy, MY daughter is the most beautiful girl in the whole world!” He then charged at Mick with a gun, but was stabbed to death by some other Angels, with, yep, you guessed it, broken pool cues. They only killed one of their own but still, you have to imagine it had a damaging effect on all of those 10-year-olds.

To Periodically Attack Him So He Could Practice His Judo

Inspired by the rising popularity of martial arts in the 1970s and the film “The Pink Panther,” Mick decided random attacks would help him keep his judo sharp. Unfortunately, he once again succumbed to his two worst habits—hiring an entire motorcycle club and paying them in beer. The Angels would get so drunk waiting for Mick to walk down the street that they would forget what they were hired to do and just jump him all at once.

Eventually, Jagger resorted to hiring impersonators to walk down the street for him, and the Angels stabbed four of them to death before realizing what was going on.

His Knighting Ceremony

When Mick Jagger was invited to become a knight of the realm he was honored, but also a little intimidated. The idea of entering the Queen’s palace knowing it was filled with her own personal army of men who never smiled frightened him. Then he remembered that he too had a personal army of men who never smiled— Hells Angels, whom he invited along.

Tensions were immediately high. Several Angels were under the false impression that their fathers had died in the Revolutionary War, and they were eager to “settle the score.” To everyones surprise, however, London charmed the Angels. There are several photos of the Angels touring The Churchill War Rooms, taking in the sights from the London Eye, and picnicking in Hyde Park. But then they stabbed a bunch of teenagers on the top of one of those double decker busses.

His Simpsons Cameo

It turns out that even as a cartoon Mick Jagger doesn’t feel safe without his boys. He agreed to appear in “The Simpsons” under one condition; that a separate team of animators drew Hells Angels just out of frame watching cartoon Mick’s back. The Angels demanded to oversee the animation process and wound up demanding that artists animate a scene of them stabbing Hans Moleman to death. They even made Dan Castellaneta voice the line “I’m not even in this episode!” in his Moleman voice.

A Trip to Wholefoods

Apparently, some PR rep thought it would be good for Mick to be spotted doing normal everyday stuff for one of those “Stars are just like us” segments. Unfortunately, stars are not just like us, and some of them (Mick) bring Hells Angels with them everywhere they go.

The Angels went on a stabbing spree after seeing a single cellophane-wrapped banana being sold for $4. They were arrested, but when footage revealed that the employees they stabbed were indeed selling $4 bananas, all charges were dropped.

Hosting Saturday Night Live

They stabbed Lorne, but apparently, that’s not an uncommon occurrence. He’s more machine than man now.

To Protect Him From Hells Angels

A few years ago Mick finally recognized Hells Angels as a toxic presence in his life. Fearing retribution for cutting them out of his life, and perhaps in a display of waning faculties, Mick turned to his go-to fixers for protection, Hells Angels. Interestingly the Angels did take the contract, and when Mick gave them a manila envelope containing a picture of Hells Angels several Angels stabbed themselves before anyone realized the mix up.

Punk Pins Corsage Through Prom Date’s Nose

Posted on by Mike Maher

LOWELL, Mass. — Mercy High School punk Theo “Gerbil” Barnes unwittingly eschewed prom tradition when he pinned a corsage through his date Julee Santoro’s nose instead of her dress, repulsed sources close to the rogue romantic said.

“I’ve never been to prom. Or school. And I don’t know what a corsage is, but I’m really good with the pins and needles part,” Barnes said. “Once, I stitched an entire His Hero Is Gone backpatch out of dryer lint and nail clippings. Since Julee’s dress was short, strapless, backless, sleeveless and basically material-less, I did what any punk would do and pierced that corsage right through her cute button nose. She looked gorgeous, but man, what a bleeder! And deathly allergic to carnations, apparently. But once Julee regained consciousness, I got the biggest, bloodiest kiss ever. With tongue!”

Admitting the gesture was equally thoughtful and brainless, Santoro was still smitten with Barnes.

“Sure, Gerbil could have gone with a wrist corsage instead of using my nose as a pin cushion, but I know how much my stabby little love muffin enjoys sharp objects,” Santoro said, still bleeding profusely from the face. “It took 24 tries, but once the corsage was attached I felt like a princess! Then I felt light headed and sneezed blood everywhere until collapsing…right into my hero’s arms. To repay Gerbil for nearly ending then saving my life, I pinned his boutonniere. His leather tux was already covered in patches, so the only place left to stick it was through his peehole Prince Albert-style. Twinning!”

School nurse slash chaperone Tiff Thorndike recapped being the first and only responder at the prom bloodbath.

”Full transparency, I’m not a medically trained or licensed nurse,” Thorndike confessed. “But I’m great at not helping kids, so Mercy keeps me around. Zero expertise aside, Julee’s nose was super infected. So I sterilized the gash with Gerbil’s rotgut whisky, then chugged the rest because fuck my job and my life. Then I jammed a tampon up Julee’s snout. She bled like Jesus wept, so I went XL with a maxi pad. But hey, I did my job. Wait, maybe I’m a real nurse after all!? Suck it, Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman!”

At press time, the chivalrous Barnes draped his leather jacket over a puddle of his own vomit so Santoro wouldn’t slip on the dancefloor.

Is This Guy My Friend or Were We Just Drunk in the Same Location During Formative Years?

Posted on by Josh Baumgart

Whoa, what a night. Always good to catch up with the old crew when I’m back in town. Glad we could all get together for an event without getting completely wrecked. We must finally be maturing. Jonesy was weird though. Weird and standoffish. I wonder what got into him. He wasn’t always like that, at least from what I remember.

Come to think of it, we do only see each other once a year now, and every time is drinking at a concert, drinking at a bachelor party, drinking at bars. And without a TV actively showing sports, conversation can get a bit rough. Matter of fact, have I ever hung out with Jonesy sober? He didn’t even remember my wife’s name. Why couldn’t he make it to the wedding again? Something about a once in lifetime comedy cruise deal? Does he know anything about me? Hold up, is this guy an asshole?

Maybe we’re just going through a rough patch. That’s natural among good buddies right? But why did he have to bring up that time I got too high and cried at the tree scene in Avatar 3D? It’s been years and I had almost lived that down. That was kind of obnoxious. Was he always like this? Surely not. And he wouldn’t shut up about his kids and podcasts about “stoned ape theory.” We had so much in common when we used to drink Four Loco in his parents’ garage, and we used to go to all those house parties together, and we were really tight in college when we used to go out to Tequila Tuesdays at the Lizard Lounge.

We did have some good times though. I mean, the guy’s a staple of my formative years. Remember when I got so smashed and he just dropped me off on my front doorstep? Man, my parents were pissed. Or when I left town and he got everyone to call me Shitty Slicker when I came back for Christmas? Or back in the day when we got caught smoking that J and he ran and left me to deal with the cops? What a hilari—wait a minute? Is this guy really my friend? Or was he the only guy who liked to get drunk and listen to the same bands as me?

Study Shows Millennials Have Eaten Enough Pop-Tarts And Bagel Bites To Completely Preserve Their Bodies Up To 100 Years After Death

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

PALO ALTO, Calif. — A recent study from Stanford University concluded that millennials have eaten enough Pop-Tarts and Bagel Bites to completely preserve their bodies up to 100 years after death without intervention.

“I grew up eating frozen food you could cook in a microwave in less than 3 minutes, so it’s wild to hear that those poor decisions would result in a super gorgeous corpse,” says millennial Kelsey Greene. “As a ‘90s kid, I’d get home from school and gorge myself on Bagel Bites, Hot Pockets, and Cheez-Its, then wash it all down with a tropical punch Capri Sun. This was way before we knew how much Red40, preservatives and hormones were being pumped into those snacks, and well before that time when they found a rat in a Capri Sun pouch. I used to think Pop-Tarts were healthy because they had a strawberry filling–I had no idea I was ingesting formaldehyde the whole time. I guess it’ll be nice to get a deal on after death services, though. I’m still paying off my student loans so I need all the breaks I can get.”

Molecular biologist Sonia Heraldo explained that the diet of a millennial child was akin to a chihuahua taking elephant tranquilizers.

“It took a couple of decades to see the effect of preservatives on the human body, but now it’s glaringly obvious,” Heraldo said. “I mean, have you seen that haunting photo of the ‘Cheers’ cast? That entire cast was in their mid-thirties, which is insane when you think about what a millennial looks like today. Genetically speaking, millennials have not aged normally, and have more in common with a plastic bucket than a human being. In fact, the number of microplastics found in their bloodstream guarantees that their bodies will be preserved for up to a full century after they die. It’s quite incredible. Just imagine what archaeologists will be able to learn from these exquisitely fossilized bodies thousands of years from now!”

Mortician Jasmine Kargas described a recent millennial cadaver that came into her practice after a car accident as “handsome.”

“Even after the traumatic physical event the body endured, his organs remained perfectly intact, like the kind you’d see in a textbook,” Kargas said. “Thank god we knew what caused his death, otherwise there would be no rational explanation. I didn’t even need to apply makeup to the body, except to cover up the huge gash left by a piece of windshield lodged into the left side of his head. To be honest, the corpse looked beautiful—like an Evanescence album cover or a Renaissance painting. Even with exposure to the elements, I think this generation’s bodies will outlive us all.”

As of press time, Greene declined to adopt a vegan diet as she felt the food from her childhood was one of the “only good hands she’d ever been dealt.”