Punk Suggests Cigarettes to Friend Trying to Quit Zyn

Posted on by Jacky Pritchard

EDMONDS, Wash. — Local punk Joe Solomon suggested his friend Donald Dell ditch his crippling Zyn addiction by switching to cigarettes, confirmed sources who were still entertaining the idea.

“Donald needs to face his nicotine addiction head-on and what better way to do that by swapping out the Zyns with Marlboros,” Solomon said while lighting a new cigarette. “There are just so many benefits to smoking. For one, everyone is disgusted by you. You smell terrible, have to go outside, and get dirty looks from strangers. It’s way more punk than hiding a Zyn under your lip like some corporate stooge. Plus, we don’t even know the long-term effects of Zyn. For all we know you could die of cancer after a lifetime of abusing it. I don’t think there’s any evidence to suggest Parliament Lights are harmful. Not to mention, just think of all the smoke breaks you are missing out on!”

Dell was skeptical of Solomon’s advice, albeit hopeful.

“I never even smoked before, but now I’ve got a Zyn lodged in my gums all the time,” said Dell, a sales associate who spiraled into nicotine pouch dependency after hearing a sponsored segment about them on a podcast. “I can’t even sit through a meeting without one. My stomach’s all messed up, my gums are wrecked, and I’ve started ordering stronger ones from Sweden off the internet. However, I recently bought a pack of American Spirits and can’t wait to use them to finally kick the nicotine habit.”

Experts, however, aren’t sold on the punk-approved detox plan.

“I’ll admit, there is a strange logic here,” said Dr. Angela Lu, an addiction expert carefully choosing her words. “In theory, switching to cigarettes could help someone wean off Zyn. But you’re essentially trading one bad habit for another. Still, it might be easier to control your nicotine consumption due to the social stigma surrounding smoking. Regardless, quitting nicotine is going to cause some uncomfortable withdrawals, so I would suggest it is better to go cold turkey. Whatever you do, just do not start using a vape. If you’re going to have an addiction to nicotine, at least look cool while you’re doing it.”

At press time, Dell was seen outside a bar smoking a cigarette while slipping a nicotine pouch under his lip.

5 Reasons Why I’ve Vowed to Never Compliment a Random Person’s Metal Shirt in Public Ever Again

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Spotting someone in public wearing a shirt of a metal band you also like can immediately trigger a camaraderie that is seldom seen in other subcultures, but unfortunately, it just isn’t worth the risk.

Here are a few reasons why I will never make the mistake of acknowledging someone in public for their metal shirt ever again for as long as I live.

1.) Being Sued.
One time when I was in elementary school, I noticed a kid wearing a Metallica shirt. “Nice! Is that an original ‘Pushead’ shirt, or a bootleg?” I said. Next thing I knew, I was slapped with a defamation lawsuit. I had no idea what that even meant being a 12-year-old, but apparently his parents had friends in high places close to the Metallica camp. $50,000 dollars and one long arduous court battle later, I agreed to never publicly disparage the name Metallica again, but that was obviously physically impossible.

2.) Getting My Feelings Hurt from Being Called a “Poser.”
Once I told a random dude I thought his Bathory shirt was badass. Not only did he immediately call me “fake” and a “poser,” he proceeded to tell me he only wears the shirt just to fish for compliments, then call those people posers for liking Bathory. If you see someone who looks like the war metal or “kvlt” type, it’s best to just act like any of their potential mates, and pretend they just don’t exist.

3.) Batshit Right-Wing Political Tirades.
First you idiotically compliment a Slayer shirt, then they talk about Pantera, then Five Finger Death Punch, then you realize you’ve made a huge mistake and you’re listening to him go on about how he was there on January 6th and took a shit inside Pelosi’s desk. Now you’re an accomplice, and regretting that you ever liked “Show No Mercy” in the first place.

4.) Nearly Being Framed for Murder.
You rarely see people wearing shirts of more extreme bands like Cannibal Corpse out in public. Last time I gave the old “nice shirt!” to a guy in a Corpse’ shirt, he wouldn’t stop trying to get me to hold his ball peen hammer. I think he wanted to get my prints on it or something. I guess I should have considered the fact that he was wielding a hammer in a public park before telling him how cool his shirt was.

5.) Unknowingly Giving Dave Mustaine a Compliment.
I let a guy know I thought his Megadeth shirt was cool, and it was immediately clear he was unimpressed. He told me his washer and dryer were on the fritz, and it was the last shirt he had. He then told me how much he hated Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield and that it was all their fault that Lowes sold him defective appliances. That’s when I noticed the weird angry lips and realized it was actually Dave Mustaine. It’s a pain I will never forget.

Chrysler Building Admits It Would Have Been Nice to Have Been Thought of as Possible Target on 9/11

Posted on by Doug Kolic

NEW YORK — The Chrysler Building was recently overheard complaining that it wasn’t one of the buildings targeted by terrorists on 9/11, a close source with knowledge alleged.

“As a born and raised Manhattanite, I obviously love this place,” stated the aging Art Deco style building. “But if those terrorists wanted to give this city a real gut punch, why didn’t they target what used to be the tallest building in the world, specifically from November 1929 to May 1931? Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t want to suffer the same fate as my pals down at One World Trade Center, but deep down not being thought of highly enough to be on those baddies’ hit list does hurt a little. Maybe people would appreciate me more if someone finally tried to take me out. Then they’d be sorry.”

The Empire State Building, which eclipsed the Chrysler Building as the world’s tallest when it opened in 1931, was tired of hearing it whine for so many years.

“Oh boy, here comes the trauma dump,” said the eighth current tallest building in NYC. “He fails to realize that if he were a target on that infamous day, he’d be a pile of dust by now. He’s like that annoying coworker who you don’t invite to your wedding because they always go on about how much they hate weddings, only for them to gripe when you don’t invite them. Honestly, I’d love to spend more time being a sounding board for his insecurities, but if you couldn’t tell by the lineup for my observation deck, I’m kind of busy here.”

Architect Guy Denis explained that it’s not uncommon for buildings to wish they were more popular.

“Just because these buildings are made of brick and mortar, doesn’t mean their hearts are,” said Denis. “Big cities change quickly. What was once a popular tourist destination over time loses its luster and gets overshadowed by something newer, taller, shiner. But oftentimes this insecurity is simply jealousy. Before he started rambling on about 9/11, Chrysler’s main axe to grind for years was not being chosen to be climbed by the titular beast in 1933’s ‘King Kong.’ That’s what we in the architectural world call a straight up petty little bitch.”

At press time, the Chrysler Building was evacuated after receiving an anonymous threat that many close acquaintances suspect it had made itself.

Tiny Cops Hassle Fingerboarding Teens

Posted on by Tim Graham

NORTH ATTLEBORO, Mass. — Several youths were ordered to stop playing with miniature skateboards by very small police officers outside the Emerald Square Mall, according to regular-sized witnesses.

“We were just innocently messing around with our fingerboards outside the movie theater. I was grinding a concrete planter when I heard this little siren,” said 14-year-old Andrew Slotnick as he fastened new trucks to his scaled-down skateboard. “I looked down and saw that a couple of little cops had pulled up in what looked like a toy police car. They were yelling at me and my friends to stop skateboarding. We thought they were joking at first, but then they brought out this tiny German Shepherd and we ran off. I’ve been bitten by a hamster before, which really hurt—and this dog was like guinea pig-sized.”

Officer Devin McCulloch was one of the diminutive patrolmen who rousted Slotnick and his friends.

“There was a clearly posted sign that read, ‘No Skateboarding’ and these kids were blatantly flouting the law,” said Officer McCulloch as he sipped coffee from a thimble. “That applies to skateboarding of any size. The NAPD Micro-Crimes Division faces a lot of unique challenges, but we don’t let our size prevent us from meting out the law. Don’t let our Lilliputian stature fool you—if a suspect tries anything funny, you better believe I’ll whip out my taser and give them the worst static shock they’ve ever felt.”

Leonard Panis, spokesman for the International Union of Police Associations, says recent influxes of funds have led to some remarkable advancements in law enforcement.

“Police departments across the country are seeing huge budget increases as cuts are made to less important social programs,” said Panis. “We’re putting that money toward groundbreaking technology like shrink rays, AR goggles that can tell us who a suspect voted for and autonomous robots that shoot pepper spray at sleeping homeless people until they leave. We’re currently working with a military contractor to develop decoy copies of leftist books containing dye packs that explode when opened so we can easily identify commies.”

At press time, spectators were seen recording a pair of tiny cops beating a homeless man on the shins with cute little nightsticks.

Son, You’re 15 Now, It’s Time To Start Getting Pretentious About Radiohead

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

Son, I remember what times were like when I was your age: the school crushes, the long, agonizing classes, the “locker room talk”…but maybe most importantly, the music. Oh man, oh man, we had some great bands back then – Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, the Red Hot Chili Peppers…some people even liked Third Eye Blind, I hear. I know high school is a weird time and it feels like everyone’s doing everything they can to fit in, but it’s hard. Well, take a lesson from your ol’ Pop: if you really want to stand out and be cool, then it’s time to start getting pretentious about Radiohead.

Fifteen is the perfect age to start developing some really rock-solid opinions on popular bands. You’re not an adult yet, but you’re also not a little boy, so maybe people will actually listen to what you have to say. Alright, here’s step one of the masterclass: insist that Kid A is Radiohead’s most interesting and thought-provoking album by a mile. Pablo Honey and The Bends are tired and worn out. OK Computer? Just OK. But to you, Kid A never gets old. The idiosyncratic and at times off-putting melodies woven throughout reflect a dark, mysterious understanding of the world that only your adolescent self truly relates to. I got that from Pitchfork, you can use it.

Also, you’re gonna want to boldly claim that you understand the lyrics to ‘Everything In Its Right Place’ on a fundamentally much deeper level than everyone else.

With that out of the way, it’s on to step two: dismiss all of their most popular songs outright. “Creep”, “No Surprises”, “High and Dry”…to you, all of them are overplayed. You’re fifteen now, that kind of normie shit is beneath you. You’re more of an “Optimistic” and “Dollars and Cents” kind of guy. This will demonstrate to your peers that you have listened to a lot of Radiohead and can even name some songs on their less popular albums. If anyone asks why you like those songs more, you can say that you like anti-consumerist messaging and find them more melodically interesting.

Oh, and here’s a word that you should burn into your brain: production. “The production is so forward-thinking and inventive.” That’ll really knock the socks off of your classmates.

Now, you’ll need to be prepared for a major curveball: what to do if one of your fellow Radiohead-discovering friends asks you for your opinion on In Rainbows. If this happens, don’t panic. Scrunch up your face as if you’re very deep in thought, and then reply that it depends on the day for you…on some you find it to be one of their more surprising and interesting “projects” (you’ve been watching a lot of Fantano recently), and on others it’s not as incisive or cutting as some of their previous albums. You also, on principle, don’t like mainstream tracks like “All I Need” or “Jigsaw Falling Into Place.”

These are just a few helpful tips and tricks to really stink up a room with your pretentious Radiohead takes. I leave the rest to you, son. Your pretentious journey is your own, and I’m sure you can find even more ways to piss people off and leave them wanting more. If you want to be with the “in” crowd, take these to heart, and as Thom Yorke once said, “Someone needs to tell the truth, but it shouldn’t be my job.” And it certainly isn’t yours, either.

Son, I’m proud of you for taking your first steps into a lifetime of making other music fans feel inferior. Just remember, if you ever catch yourself saying “Steeley Dan is actually good,” You’ve gone too far.

Sober App Not Mad, Just Disappointed

Posted on by Dom Turek

RIVERSIDE, Calif. — Just days away from completing his dry January goal, local abstainer Adam Cowell gave in to mounting temptation and crushed a 30-rack this weekend, according to his dismayed sober app, who wasn’t angry, but very disappointed by the incident.

“It’s my fault for getting my hopes up,” said Refocus, a sobriety-tracking and support app for people who want to build healthier drinking habits by quitting completely or cutting back on consumption. “He’s done this to me before, but I thought this time might be different. He even posted on the community messageboard saying he couldn’t wait to enjoy a crisp N/A lager at his upcoming work party. I guess the latest daily quote I showed him from Nelson Mandela wasn’t enough to deter him.”

Cowell downloaded the app years ago after a particularly regrettable bender that resulted in six public urination tickets and mandatory court appearances spanning multiple state lines. Since then, Cowell redownloads the app sporadically when he feels the need to reexamine his drinking habits.

“I would rather have Refocus be mad at me than disappointed any day,” said Cowell. “I woke up completely obliterated in bed still wearing my winter coat and clutching a half-eaten breakfast burrito to a notification from the app congratulating me on making it to my 25-day sober milestone. To think that I used the app’s daily quote from Nelson Mandela ‘It always seems impossible until it’s done,’ as motivation to finish shotgunning a tall can at the end of the night is unconscionable.”

The Reframe app is a self-help app, which at its core is designed to help you achieve a goal, whether that be sobriety, sleep, anxiety, or just seeing what you would look like with bangs.

“This is going to sound crazy,” said Karren Schultz, head of an app development team, “But some apps seem to be gaining sentience. As technology advances, so does people’s reliance on it, which has led some apps to shortcircuit in ways we didn’t believe they were programmed to do so. For example, one app user complained to our company that after her sixth relapse on alcohol, her daily motivational quote just changed to an emoji holding up an ‘L’ to its forehead and making farting noises. It seems some apps can only handle so much letdown.”

During press time, Cowell was seen resetting the app back to day zero and begging Reframe for another chance before his free trial ran out.

Vampire Weekend Songs Ranked By How Much Generational Wealth They Ooze

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

So you’ve moved out of your family home in Westchester and are starting your first undergraduate semester at Columbia in the big city. What kind of music should you let your entire personality be shaped and molded by? There are so many pretentious artists to choose from, and not all of them will reflect your newfound depth and inherent urban intrigue. Not to worry, because we already know you’re about to get really into Vampire Weekend, and we’ve taken the liberty of ranking some of their songs based on one extremely relevant metric: how much generational wealth practically seeps from their every note. Use this list as a handy guide and you’ll be sure to impress those spoiled Ivy Leaguers. (Listen along to the playlist, click here)

25. “This Life”

Now, this track is one of the band’s most popular, but it’s a little bit of a “starter pack” in a way. It’s probably one of their most #relatable numbers – a little Van Morrison, a little Paul Simon. A track about how strange the world can really be and the complex morality of human beings is not going to earn you that coveted social elite status. It’s a tune you can get up and dance to, but it’s also not necessarily going to impress your new friends. If you want that true preppy New England sound, you’re going to have to dig just a little deeper.

24. “Unbelievers”

Another of the group’s most well-known songs, “Unbelievers” tackles weighty themes of religion and what our beliefs say about us as people. Boring! You didn’t get into this band for deep examinations of the soul, damn it! You just want to look cool in your untucked button-up shirt and cashmere sweater! The track does feature the use of a few niche instruments, though, such as the “flistle” during the bridge, so that may net you at least a point or two with the wealthy elites.

23. “Stranger”

The second track so far on this list from Vampire Weekend’s 2019 album “Father of the Bride,” “Stranger” features hopping pianos and the rhythmic strumming of an acoustic guitar. Its lyrics are all about growing into adulthood and finding a place where you truly belong, and all of the inner warmth and good feelings that come with that. But you’re not quite at that stage of life, yet, are you? It’s not exactly a song that’s oozing with pretentious vocabulary or perspective, and a sense of belonging? It’s too cheesy for the people you’re trying to impress.

22. “Holiday”

At first, the upbeat ska drums on this track off of the 2010 album “Contra” might make you think, “Finally! This is more what I’ve been looking for! A cool and nonchalant display of my excellent taste in indie rock and my status as a member of the 1%!” Then, midway through, the tempo changes a bit and you realize the joke’s on you because the song is actually a nuanced commentary on the American invasion of Iraq and the war that served as the backdrop to most of your childhood. Whoopsie daisy! Wouldn’t want to get too political immediately on the quad; you never know who in your new social circle is a secret Republican.

21. “Sunflower”

A song about a sunflower growing in a garden that may or may not be a metaphor for religious faith (a recurring theme throughout the band’s discography), “Sunflower” is pretty far down on the scale of “how rich does this song sound?” The only thing I could really even point to here is some occasional scatting, but even then, said “scatting” is on-beat and doesn’t defect from that classic VW sound. Still enjoyable to your new Columbia peers, I’m sure, but not exactly the type of prep that you’re looking for. Steve Lacy on guitar might net you some extra points, though.

20. “Everlasting Arms”

“Modern Vampires of the City” focuses a lot on religion, and this track is no exception, with Ezra Koenig questioning his relationship to God and his own free will in the absence of any formal system of beliefs. Not really a “rich kid” kinda vibe on this one. However, the opening lyrics are “I took your counsel and came to ruin,” which sounds like it comes from the mouth of someone who’s at least pretty well-educated, or maybe a 15th-century English king.

19. “Capricorn”

The Vampire Weekend train is still chugging along, with their latest album “Only God Was Above Us” having been released just last year. Unfortunately for you, the prominent track “Capricorn” is mainly about struggling with aging and finding one’s “place” in life, discarding the pursuit of wealth. All you know is that your place is amongst that acerbic Ivy League crowd, and if you tell them that this one’s your favorite, they may peg you as a recent bandwagon fan.

18. “Unbearably White”

Despite its title, which may incline some to think this is the richest and preppiest track of them all, “Unbearably White” focuses on a relationship that’s going downhill, with casual bass and guitar plucking away in the background. Dammit! You thought that this one was a shoe-in. But it’s just Ezra and the gang being entirely self-aware of their reputation within the industry.

17. “Obvious Bicycle”

One of the slower-paced tracks on “Modern Vampires,” “Obvious Bicycle” paints a picture of a seemingly-worthless man who’s become disillusioned with his life. It wouldn’t be a VW track without some references to money, and the narrator instructs the man not to forget “the rich ones who were kind,” but overall the track is about shedding the things and the people that have been holding you back. Perhaps a tad too heady or self-reflective for some of your new peers.

16. “Harmony Hall”

With its opening acoustic guitar plucking which soon gives way to an upbeat piano riff, “Harmony Hall” was the first single off of “Father of the Bride” and remains one of VW’s most popular. Ezra croons “Beneath these velvet gloves I hide the shameful crooked hands of a money-lender,” alluding to the disguises that people in upper-class society use on a daily basis – and that’s exactly what you’re trying to do by getting into this band! Yay for disguising your true self with the trappings of wealth! That puts this track smack dab in the middle of our ranking.

15. “A-Punk”

“A-Punk” is a weird one. The band’s most popular track, the one everyone knows. “Step Brothers,” every high school party you’ve ever been to. It’s so popular that even people who don’t know Vampire Weekend by name would recognize it if you played it for them. It certainly won’t impress your Ivy Leaguers who have been on the VW wave for years and years, but between Ezra’s fast-paced, breathy delivery of the lyrics, as well as the woodwind instruments and hollow drums that pop up during the pre-chorus, there’s still a healthy amount of that early Vampire preppiness to be found here. Imagery of a man seeking “exotica,” a broken wedding ring, and references to Greek mythology – this track has it all, baby!

14. “Campus”

Now this one is a sure-fire hit: it’s all about Columbia University itself! And who attends Columbia? The exact type of WASP that you’re trying to make it big with (as well as the band themselves, of course.) It also equates a “cruel professor, studying romances” to perhaps an ex-lover…stuck-up academics rejoice, this is the song for you!

13. “Mary Boone”

This song finds inspiration in the New York art scene and contains references to so many specific people that you’d practically have to work in the art world to know them. It contains themes of wealth, financial inflation, and living in the Greatest City in the World. Additionally, there’s a ‘90s-esque boom-bap beat that pops in occasionally, flitted over by bouts of sharp piano. These are all tell-tale indicators of the wealthy taking ‘inspiration’ from those without means. Perfect for your new social circle!

12. “Cousins”

Ironically, despite its attempts to dissuade people from thinking Ezra and Vampire Weekend are preppy rich kids, the fast-paced drums and multiple guitar riffs, as well as lyrics about the struggles of previous generations and how the rich stay rich by being friends with the rich only highlight said preppiness. This song not only allows rich kids to cosplay as indie rock aficionados, but it’s also from far enough back in the band’s discography that you might come off as a “real fan.”

11. “Diane Young”

Despite its upbeat tempo, “Diane Young” is about death (as its title, a play on ‘dyin’ young’, suggests). Neat! That’s exactly the sort of dour subject that Columbia undergrads go nuts for. More specifically, there are references here to a film by Jean-Luc Godard, something only the wealthiest of the wealthy would watch, much less hear about. Add in some vocal distortion on the bridge, manic drums, and lyrics that point to sports like golf and horse racing, and we’ve got ourselves a winner, folks!

10. “Hannah Hunt”

The staccato piano immediately lets listeners know what they’re in for on this track. Ezra Koenig paints a picture of a couple on a country-wide road trip “from Providence to Phoenix,” and states in the chorus “Though we live on the U.S. dollar, you and me, we got our own sense of time.” What a luxury! Who can afford to be taking long cross-country trips and letting the days slip away from them like that? Not many people, that’s for sure.

9. “Diplomat’s Son”

A coming out story / gay romance inspired by a short story centering around two competitive prep-school students. Ah, it doesn’t get any more Vampire Weekend than that. Even the title of the track evokes a tax bracket that most of us will never see: the offspring of an important government official. While this song may be more about the love story than the pomp and circumstance, it’s enough of a deep cut from the band that it should net you a nod of approval or two.

8. “Horchata”

This song begins by rhyming “horchata” with “Balaklava.” I feel like I don’t even really need to say anything else, here…but if I were to, I’d probably point out that the song was “influenced” by rap, something that white kids from Connecticut have been trying to do for years and spectacularly failing at. This one may get you with the Columbia in-crowd a little more as “Contra” is widely considered to be the band’s most underrated album, too.

7. “M79”

Now I know what you’re thinking. How could this one be generational wealth-coded? It’s a song about a damn public bus service through Manhattan, for Christ’s sake! What’s more “of the people” than public transportation? But that’s where you’d be wrong, because as soon as you hear that orchestra in the background and realize that the M79 is traveling from the Upper West Side to the Upper East Side, a clearer picture begins to form: a picture of WASPs who still rule the goddamn world, baby. Plus, references to Jackson Crowter and the Khyber Pass? You practically have to be born rich to know either of those.

6. “Classical”

Ah, a song about how wealthy elites around the globe have maintained power for generations by dodging military service and rewriting history so that their actions appear morally good, even in times of war – just the sort of tradition that you’re interested in keeping up! This one will be a modern classic for your wealthy friends…or even, classical.

5. “Step”

Come on, now. What other songs do you know that reference places like “Mechanicsburg, Anchorage, and Dar es-Salaam”? Combine that with Vampire Weekend’s signature string-and-piano-centric production from our good friend Rostam and tack on some lyrics about your girl being in Berkeley with a communist reader, and a picture is painted of a wealthy college graduate slumming it with the poors, perhaps reading theory in her spare time.

4. “Rich Man”

With string interludes that sound like a waltz around a grand ballroom, as well as the goddamn track title, this is one of those songs that exudes pomp and poshness. Ezra sings about being the one satisfied rich man in a million, per an old saying, and if that doesn’t sum it up, I don’t know what does! The song’s structure also comes off like a poem, which may please the more humanities-oriented friends in your social circle.

3. “Prep-School Gangsters”

Another selection off of Vampire Weekend’s most recent album, “Only God Was Above Us,” this song is quite literally about generational wealth and the bullying that upper-clas kids inflict on their middle-and-lower-class peers. But your peers won’t really care about that, because they’re the ones who did the bullying and they’re not listening to the lyrics in these songs, anyway! They just want that catchy guitar and soothing Ezra Koenig falsetto, and with a track title like this, it’s sure to be up their alley.

2. “Oxford Comma”

This is a song about grammar. Grammar! It doesn’t get much more wealthy than that. As a bonus, it was conceived while Ezra Keonig was teaching English at a school in Brooklyn. There are even references to Columbia University itself here and the group “Students for the Preservation of the Oxford Comma,” which, as Ezra himself posits, nobody really gives a fuck about. But whip out this bad boy in a social setting and you’re bound to impress your more diction-and-syntax-inclined classmates.

1. “Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa”

It doesn’t get much more Trust Fund than this. This combination of words could only have been dreamt up by an Ivy League quartet with a little too much free time and a little too much Paul Simon on in the background. The bongo drums and lyrics depicting a young girl growing up on the shores of Massachusetts, like “As a young girl, Louis Vuitton…” just radiate an inescapable Daddy’s Money aura. If you’re looking for THE sweater-vest-Hamptons-summer-borderline-appropriation Vampire Weekend track, the one that will not only impress your new friends but convince them that you come from the “appropriate” background, look no further.

Listen to the playlist:

Adorable Biker Gang Wearing Matching Outfits

Posted on by Jason VanSlycke

DENVER — Local biker gang The Chaos Crusaders was reportedly riding around town in matching outfits, captivated and deafened sources confirmed.

“They’re a noisy group of boys but those charming vests with the matching patches are so sweet, I wonder what good deeds they did to earn them. It warms my heart to see men who aren’t ashamed to embrace their friendships and coordinate outerwear,” said local grandmother Emila Malia. “My granddaughter and her friends have similar vests. Her troop is selling cookies right now. They must be in some sort of adult girl scouts troop. Put me down for three boxes of Thin Mints, if they come to my door.”

The gang is working continuously to shake their reputation as a delightful sight on the streets.

“Look, man, these patches mean something, we’ve earned them by being peer pressured into doing outlaw shit. These jackets mean something. It’s about a life you can’t even begin to understand. And we’re tired of people yelling ‘twinsies!’ when we’re at the fucking grocery store,” said local motorcycle enthusiast Bobby Vidal. “The Chaos Crusaders are not some marching band with harmonized color schemes and matching hats. You see this 1% patch? That means I don’t give a fuck, unless you laugh at me for my jacket. That hurts.”

Therapist Ruby Shauna cautions that, while men in matching uniforms do have a visually pleasing aesthetic, they do spook easily and should be approached with caution.

“Fear is usually a motivator for animals to travel in packs and differentiate themselves from the masses. The Chaos Crusaders, while whimsical in their matching get-ups, are no exception,” said Shauna. “But fear does not equal aggression, for The Chaos Crusaders, they just may be searching for safety in numbers. They’re no different than penguins or llamas or any other adorable pack animal. The jackets also serve another purpose. Similar to a large family visiting Disneyland who all wear matching Goofy shirts and Mickey Mouse ears, these bikers are anxious about getting lost in a crowd. And a stranded biker can become frightened and lash out. In the industry we like to think of these jackets as their security blanket, and their bikes as a very loud pacifier.

At press time, The Chaos Crusades implemented a casual Friday policy in hopes to relax their otherwise strict outfit rules.

Adrenaline Junkie? This Woman Is Marrying Her Natural Predator

Posted on by Dom Turek

Most people are satisfied with the humdrum routine of everyday life. For the average homebody, something as simple as switching to flavored coffee creamer or having period sex can bring on a dizzying rush of adrenaline, causing them to put down their New York Times crossword puzzle and ask themselves “What kind of goddamn daredevil am I?”

Some people, however, can only feel truly alive while performing death-defying activities. These cortisol-deficient, dopamine-starved thrill seekers are called adrenaline junkies, and they’re coming to a town near you to become skydive certified.

Self-proclaimed adrenaline junkie Julia Powell has been distressing her friends and family members since childhood with her risk-taking behaviors and “what’s the worst that could happen?” attitude. From base jumping to paragliding to drinking hard liquor on antidepressants, there’s nothing Powell won’t do to exacerbate her mother’s ulcer and send her father to an early grave.

It seemed like she’d done everything just short of playing Russian roulette to get that sweet release of epinephrine, but this daredevil had one more trick up her sleeve. In her latest and most perilous stunt to date, Powell plans to espouse, cohabitate and possibly even procreate with her most dangerous natural predator, a man. As if that’s not the most badass, dumb shit idea you’ve ever heard, hold onto your hat, because it gets worse.

“She’s going white water rafting on her honeymoon with the man who took out a life insurance policy on her,” said Rachel Brown, Powell’s closest friend. “This makes her cage diving expedition last year in the Mariana Trench look like a trip to fucking Build-A-Bear.”

Detractors of Powell’s latest suicide mission are quick to remind her that intimate partner violence is one of the leading causes of death for a woman. Concerned coworkers have even pointed out that men are responsible for the atom bomb, female circumcision, and probably one hundred percent of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers, but these terrifying statistics have only piqued her interest.

“I was born with a devil on both shoulders,” said Powell. “Sleeping next to a man twice my size with little to no impulse control and a propensity for road rage is going to provide me with that surge of adrenaline I’ve been chasing my whole life. Just last week he threatened to burn the house down with me in it because he couldn’t put together a nightstand from Ikea. Now that’s a fucking rush.”

Venue Physicists Discover Toilet Paper Thinner Than a Photon of Light

Posted on by Rob Ryder

OSLO, Norway — Physicists at the Goering Institute of Hardcore Physics recently discovered a new form of toilet paper thinner than a photon of light, confirmed side-eying sources.

“Many previously suspected that there was no physical matter that exists below the dimensions of a photon of light, but here today, we have proven this wrong,” said Werner Schäfer, lead physicist at the Goering Institute. “It was by accident we stumbled upon the discovery. We were working on developing the world’s thinnest joint, when suddenly it dawned on me. We had a new form of paper so thin that it could only be detected through our most sensitive spectrometer. After experimenting further, we isolated several rolls and began testing them at a nearby Chipotle restaurant. This is going to revolutionize venue bathrooms around the world, which is what science is all about.”

Venue owner Trig Franklin of the Trigger Club in Washington was excited to hear of the discovery and had already placed an order for several cases.

“I’ve spent years splitting toilet paper down to its elemental ply, I never thought I’d see the day when a Kroger roll was split at the atomic level,” said Franklin while sweeping up old pretzels to throw back in trays on the bar. “Running a venue is hard work, and this is just one more thing I don’t have to worry about. I can now go back to focusing on more important things like discovering the optimal amount of water you can pour in a bottle of $8 whiskey, or how to split a $20 payment among 17 members of a ska band.”

Occupational Health and Safety Department inspector Ellen Clark was initially concerned with the news, but ultimately feels the department may be powerless.

“There are no regulations for toilet paper thickness in the OSHA code. I usually just check the bathroom real quick to ensure it’s there,” said Clark while testing the strength of a rope suspending a 350-pound PA speaker over the stage. “Our only real concern for this new toilet paper was the measurable radiation coming off of it, no doubt a byproduct of its manufacturing process. However, I have to say, the small dose of radiation patrons get might provide the best cleaning their ass will ever get.”

At press time, physicists also discovered venue hand soap that could only be seen with a microscope.