LOS ANGELES — A leaked memo from high-ranking law enforcement officials encouraged officers on the street tasked with confronting protesters to “Picture them as your wives and children” so they would be more willing to inflict extrajudicial violence.
“Don’t forget, you are a hero. People might give you the finger, spit on you, and call you a class traitor for pursuing a career on the police force, but just remember you have the upper hand because you are above the law,” read a small portion of the memo. “Some of you might still have a shred of humanity left inside of you and it can be hard to fire a tear gas canister into someone’s face from point-blank range. We encourage you to picture these lawless heathens as your wife who won’t stop nagging you, or your children who recently went non-contact with you. This will make it easier for you to get your revenge and help you sleep better at night.”
Local Los Angeles Deputy Peter Kelliher said the memo helped him through a tough day.
“We were fenced in. There were dozens of people holding phones up at us, waving flags, and talking really loud. Honestly, I was afraid for my life, but then I just pictured all of them as my bitch wife and started firing rubber bullets at the eyeballs of anyone who wasn’t wearing glasses,” said Kelliher. “Everyone else in my platoon followed suit, and soon enough we were able to heroically beat back the crowd with our strength of will, military grade body armor, and vast array of weaponry that we were encourage to fire at will.”
President Trump commended the officers on the front lines.
“Antifa is at it again. I’ve seen these guys, real bad hombres. They were there on January 6th starting a riot, but it was also a day of peace, and we love peace don’t we people? There has never been a more peaceful time in America, and we are going to make it more peaceful by putting big beautiful tanks on every street corner and aiming the barrels at any house that isn’t saluting the flag,” said Trump. “The brave police in Los Angeles will soon be joined by the Marines, really buff guys, I’ve seen these guys, I’ve felt their muscles. Almost as big as mine, close, but not as big. Doctors said my muscles are almost too big sometimes, and that’s all natural. Can you believe that?”
At press time, GOP members of the House introduced new legislation that anyone who says “Fuck ICE” will be put to death by lethal injection