Help! Listening To Kings Of Leon Took Me Back To 2008 And Now I’m Trapped Here With Them

Posted on by Matt Bieker

I’m not sure how this happened and I don’t know how to make it stop. One minute I was minding my own business, listening to Kings of Leon’s “Only by the Night,” the next I found myself wearing a greasy black tank top and sitting in a smoky Nashville green room listening to the Followill brothers talk about painting houses in Tennessee. By methods unknown to me, I’ve been transported 14 years into the past and am trapped on tour with these guys.

It’s true, my 16-year-old self would have been awestruck to hang out with this band, but I’m getting desperate to get back to my own time. I can’t drink any more of this lukewarm beer, but the only alternatives are dragon fruit Vitamin Waters and American Spirit yellows.

The weed here is terrible.

The band has been little help. They assumed I was part of the road crew when I showed up, so I earn my keep by carrying speaker cabinets and doing liquor runs multiple times per day. Any time I broach a heady topic like time-travel, music theory, or splitting the check, it’s grounds for screaming, drunken arguments, which sometimes escalate into brawls. Afterward it takes hours to clean the hair off everything.

2008 isn’t all bad. Boomers are too scared of social media to ruin it yet, and Obama’s whole “Hope” schtick is still fresh. Plus, “Use Somebody” and “Sex on Fire” are instant classics and none of the guys in this band are sober yet so they really belt it out.

My knowledge of the future weighs on me, though. I have to act surprised every week when we watch Breaking Bad on cable, and my warnings about the housing bubble have gone totally ignored. There’s this young roadie who keeps talking about paying off his student loans and leaving his studio apartment in a few years. I can barely look the poor bastard in the eye.

Update: After witnessing someone physically mail a DVD copy of “Mind of Mencia” to Netflix, I redoubled my efforts to leave this time period to its fate. I believe I have succeeded. All I have for reference is Kings of Leon’s latest album “When You See Yourself,” though, and since it sounds indistinguishable from the era I just left, I will have to confirm some other way.

Dave Grohl Somehow Pulls Dave Grohl Out of Audience to Play On Next Foo Fighters Song

Posted on by Tom K

MILWAUKEE — Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl stunned audience members when he pulled a fan out of the crowd to play with the band who turned out to be Dave Grohl, confirmed multiple sources whispering “what the fuck is going on?” to themselves.

“It was the usual part in the concert where we got to a song that I’d forgotten how to play. So I start looking for any Joe-schmo that I can strap a guitar to and make his goddam life,” said Grohl while decompressing backstage. “I went up to the barricades to grab a random hand and all of a sudden this handsome guy is yelling random facts about obscure punk bands from the 80s and I realized it was me, just in the crowd. It was the strangest thing. I turned around to show Taylor but he wasn’t at the drums. I was? I guess I had taken over drumming duties that night too. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”

The lucky audience member, also Dave Grohl, did not seem to mind the physical anomalies occurring at the Fiserv Forum and was just happy to play with his favorite band.

“It was one of the best moments of my life. Ever since I started the Foo Fighters, I’ve followed them religiously. They are my all-time favorite band, and I’m my all-time favorite musician,” said the second Grohl from the tour bus. “Of course, I was playing ‘My Hero,’ with my hero—me. The only downside is that I would have loved to meet Nate, but when I got a little bit closer it turns out I was also filling in on bass that night.”

In a breakdown of the historic moment, leading Foo Fighters fan blog, Big Zine, noted that this is the first time in the band’s storied career that multiple Dave Grohls have shared the stage together.

“Just because this was a general affront to the laws of physics we shouldn’t ignore how this was exceedingly rare collaboration,” stated blog editor Dave Grohl. “It was certainly one of the most memorable performances in recent Foo history and will go down as one of the best ever. The genius of this show is in its showcase of secret weapon Dave Grohl, long considered the unsung hero of the group.”

When asked about the possibility of future Dave Grohl team-ups, Grohl hinted that there may be more to come, stating that he enjoyed playing with himself in front of an arena crowd and hopes to do it again.

7 Animals That Need To Seriously Step It Up When We Lose White Rhinos

Posted on by Sean Peecook

As the world’s climate changes, certain sacrifices must be made, but why should the burden fall on man alone? We’re already drinking out of cardboard tubes, Isn’t it about time one of the other 8.7 million remaining species on this planet did something?

We all know that white rhinos are on their way out, which means the rest of the animal kingdom needs to seriously step it up. Here are 7 animals that need to do better to fill some big shoes.

Groundhogs

Truth be told you guys have been slacking for a while now, and we can’t keep making excuses for you. We don’t even really understand your whole deal. Are you a beaver or a rat? Pick a lane and step it up.

Wild Boars

Straight up, we’re going to need you guys to put on like 2,000 pounds.

Toucans

Honestly, we know you can do better. You’ve been phoning it in since you got on the cereal box. You’ve got a big beak, so start using it. No excuses. If nobody is trying to use your body parts as medicine, you’re not trying hard enough.

Elephants

We know you’ve got a lot on your plate already, but you’re the closest we’ve got. As a fellow big grey, we’re going to need you to pull double duty and do a bunch of rhino shit on top of all the elephant shit you’ve got going on, at least until we can find a replacement. No raise.

Ants

Conservatively speaking, there are about 1,000,000,000,000,000 of you. What are all of you doing? Digging holes and moving little sugar cubes around? Is that really necessary? We’re going to need you to start doing classic rhino things like stampeding and pissing on tourists. Make it work. We’re not afraid to pull out the magnifying glass.

Guitar fishes

The rhinos of the sea? By 2036, we’re going to need you to step it up and become the rhinos of the land too. Just take it slow. It’s not that hard. If you’re going to use the name, you’re going to have to earn it.

White-collared swift

Sometimes we wish it was you that was going extinct instead.

Punk Kid Turns 50

Posted on by Mike Civins

FANWOOD, N.J. — Self-described punk kid Scott “Snotski” Tamaro turned 50 this week, shocking both friends and family yet again with his inability to use a more age-appropriate identifier, local sources reported.

“Us punk kids got to tear it up and let the new jacks know what’s up,” Tamaro declared while adding a new pair of Dr. Scholl’s orthotic inserts to his slip-on Vans. “Being a punk kid isn’t about arch support or how many candles there are on a cake or even how many times the barista has to yell ‘sir’ before you realize he’s talking to you. It transcends age, I don’t care how much my primary care physician disagrees or begs me to ‘start taking this seriously.’”

Tamaro celebrates this milestone birthday with his wife and former Debased Youth bandmate Christine Sheridan-Tamaro, who was unfazed by her husband’s relaxed attitude towards aging and the parameters of punk.

“Scott’s never really updated how he perceives himself. He’s still the same guy I married and certainly realizes he’s an adult, or at least can be tried as one,” Sheridan-Tamaro offered. “How many punk ’kids’ do you know with a mortgage and a lot of opinions about craft beer? I unfortunately know at least eight, but our friend group hasn’t expanded much since 1997.”

Tamaro’s longtime family physician Dr. Russell Webb has observed a growing pattern among adults with roots in the punk scene to play down their age or ignore it completely.

“It’s certainly odd hearing someone refer to themselves as a punk ‘kid’ when they’ve just egregiously dad-joked that their 401k looks more like a 101k,” claims Webb. “But we’re seeing more and more older punks do this, even the so-called ‘angry youth’ that are grayer than Michael McDonald and can maintain hour-long conversations about the benefits of Costco. He keeps saying he’s a kid on the street but in reality, he’s a grown man on a very well-kept cul-de-sac.”

Tamaro was last seen spending his birthday at his rolltop desk chanting “if the kids are united, they will never be divided!” before purchasing a sensible beard trimmer on Groupon.

Opinion: If The President Really Cared About My Interests, Why Doesn’t He Have A Sick Horror VHS Collection?

Posted on by Chris Bowen

Throughout our nation’s history, the President of the United States of America has always claimed to be a man of the people. Teddy Roosevelt with his big game hunting, Bill Clinton with his Saxophone playing, George Bush JR with his illiteracy, etc. But no President has ever represented a massive demographic that I happen to be a part of, the Horror VHS collector.

Just look at our current Commander In Chief, Joe Biden. I’m glad Trump didn’t get reelected, but at least he had some controversy involving an alleged VHS of him getting pissed on.

I could see Biden having some old Laurel and Hardy or Western Tapes laying around, but he hasn’t given me one reason to believe he gives a shit about the rising prices in the horror VHS market. He constantly goes on about tackling skyrocketing gas and grocery prices, but not ONCE have I heard him mention the fact that “STREET TRASH” shouldn’t be more than a $25 dollar tape.

Biden’s Infrastructure Bill is something I couldn’t care less about. He goes on about rebuilding the nation’s bridges and roads but not one thing about bringing back the mom-and-pop video store. What good is a freshly paved road when it doesn’t lead to a store where I can score a near-mint copy of Rawhead Rex?

Biden is nothing but a puppet and shill for the streaming-industrial complex. He doesn’t give a shit about the massive horror selection you could only find by going to the actual video store! And as far as building sturdy bridges, I’d like to see him push for a bill to make a nice coffin-shaped shelf so my big box tapes can be more accessible.

As foreign affairs go, I believe the world would benefit from having a niche horror market collector leading the U.S.A.

I believe the crisis in Ukraine would be lessened if Russia’s and the world’s leaders made a sick trade deal. One Russian copy of BURIAL GROUND for a mint U.S. copy of WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE. Boom. I’m sure it wouldn’t solve everything outright, but it could lead to a greater conversation. Maybe the world’s leaders would get together and discuss the crisis of no longer being able to find good tapes in the wild anymore.

We need a President who gives a shit about the intricacies of horror VHS collecting, and the financial and social burden the hobby entails, not some sleepy geriatric who thinks “Shudder and Chill” is good enough.

Photographer of Ska Band Suggests Doing a Serious One

Posted on by Bobby Korec

OAKLAND, Calif. — Local photographer Tyler Pettiston suggested that ska band Passive SKAggression maybe try a serious one after hours of silly poses and cartoonish facial expressions, sources who weren’t sure if the group was nervous or this just part of their whole thing confirmed.

“They all vigorously yelled ‘cheese’ in unison before each and every shot I took, so I had to say something to right this sinking ship,” said Pettiston before calling his wife to let her know he’d be home late due to working with difficult clientele. “If only these guys were more like metal bands. Metalheads always come prepared with their best frowns and they all stand as still as old-growth oak trees. True professionals. Anyway, I gave these guys some tips, like pretend you despise playing music together or imagine your mom died in a horrific car accident. That almost always works. Except for ska bands, I guess.”

Members of Passive SKAggression didn’t respond well to the photographer’s suggestion.

“Every band photo tells a story and our story is that we’re bringing a bouncy castle to your dinner party,” said Riley Tenner, guitarist and aspiring trombonist for the band. “Honestly, it would feel inauthentic if we weren’t posing as if we had successfully completed an escape room or won our local bowling championship. Besides, we didn’t rent these suits and have our dads tie our ties for us just to look depressed in our promo pics. Also, we’ve been practicing our choreographed poses for weeks. No turning back now.”

Experts emphasized the importance of taking just the right band photo.

“Professional photography is the absolute best way for an audience to get a feel for your band’s music,” said critic Portia Reynolds. “And you want to take it seriously to show that you mean business. How would it come across if you saw Glenn Danzig or Henry Rollins smiling in promotional material? Honestly, it would be career suicide if they appeared as if they had fun writing and performing music. Learn from the greats and look miserable in your photos.”

At press time, Pettiston finally got the band to do a serious take moments before his camera battery died, ultimately failing to document any usable shots.

OPINION: If You Ask Me, the Real Main Character of “Rocky” is New York City

Posted on by Ted Pillow

“Vertigo” and San Francisco. “Sunset Boulevard” and Los Angeles. Sometimes a movie perfectly captures the spirit of a city, the two becoming forever synonymous. But, in the storied history of cinema, there’s certainly no better combination of film and city than “Rocky” and New York City.

In fact, the most important character of “Rocky” isn’t the titular boxer at all. Nope, and it’s not his girlfriend Adrian, his trainer Mickey, or even Eduardo, the wise-cracking, streetsmart pigeon that Rocky saves in the subway. Much like any classic film set in “the city that never sleeps,” the main character can only be the Big Apple itself.

You can hardly hear the name “Rocky” without it conjuring the honk of a thousand yellow cabs or the scent of a street vendor’s hot dog stand (especially if, for example, you saw the movie for the first and only time yesterday, on your phone, while busking on a busy Manhattan street corner). This is a crucial aspect of the film’s essence, equal in importance to the sumptuous black-and-white cinematography, Hans Zimmer’s rousing score, and the pervasive glare that ruined most of the viewing experience for me.

So much of the movie’s cinematic power derives from how the lovable pugilist triumphs over the oppressive city he calls home. Who can forget that thrilling training montage in which Rocky is finally able to run all the way up that famous staircase leading to the entrance of the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. in Times Square?

Sylvester Stallone made it a point to show Rocky engaging in every classic New York experience, from eating a big ol’ floppy slice of pizza to taking a shit in a Barnes & Noble bathroom to getting hit by a subway car. As Rocky himself declares dozens of times in the film, “I’m from New York City and I fuckin’ love it, baby!”

NYC is undoubtedly the main character of “Rocky,” the city’s gritty heart beating in each and every scene. It should be considered film canon and it leads directly to my next argument. So, if you’d like to hear me explain how the main character in each of the “Rocky” sequels is actually Rambo, just swing by 48th and 7th with an open mind and 5 bucks.

“Sorry About the Mess” Says Date, Referring to Self

Posted on by Tom K

BOSTON — Local man Chet Deacon began the conversation on a first day with Alyssa Marco by apologizing for “the mess” of his entire being in an attempt to speed up the courting process, bummed out witnesses confirmed.

“I thought I’d be as upfront as possible,” said Deacon, a 35-year-old Guitar Center greeter. “I’m a total shitshow. Alyssa was going to find out sooner or later either by my inside-out shirt, the fact I was ordering off the kid’s menu, or when the manager of the restaurant sees me and kicks me out again because I tried stealing their awning last year. I obviously want this to work because I deserve to be happy, but my dates also deserve to know that I’m going to completely tank their credit score and steal pills from her parent’s medicine cabinet.”

Marco admitted she was amused and intrigued by such a forward admission of faults, labeling it as a refreshing experience in a depraved dating scene.

“At first I thought he was referring to the restaurant itself and apologizing for the decor for some reason. I found it kind of endearing. But then it became immediately clear this man was systematically dismantling himself right in front of me,” said Marco. “And to be honest, I still found it endearing. Usually, I would have to wade through at least six months of coffee dates and art museums to get to this information. What a relief I’m getting it all on day one!”

Current dating experts are beginning to voice similar opinions in response to the changing romantic landscape.

“Traditionalists say one should be presenting their best self when on a date,” explains premier matchmaker Clyde Interman. “This is no longer true. 90% of the dating pool is straight-up flailing in the worst way. The current scene is divided into three main sections: hot messes, wholesome idiots, and the balding-and-desperate. Why waste the time of a potential love interest by pretending you’re not one of these? We’re finding it’s much more efficient to be honest about how bad a candidate you are, and work your way up from there.”

When asked if she foresaw a second date happening, Marco attested that she has no problem seeing past Deacon’s faults just as long as he is capable of holding all of her numerous and complex traumas.

How To Win Friends And Influence People By Having An Adderall Prescription

Posted on by Harley Murgatroyd

Are you someone who struggles to make connections with others? Do you continuously fail to initiate meaningful conversations, you boring, boring fuck? Are you looking to increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get things done? Well have we got the schedule II Narcotic for you. It’s time to talk to your doctor about prescribing Adderall.

Like ducks to bread, human beings fucking love Adderall. This magical little pill easily helps you to arouse enthusiasm among your associates.

How does it work? Well it’s simple. All you have to do is let one person know you secured a prescription from your doctor and the calls will start coming in. Complete strangers will reach out and say things like “hey, how are you?” and then ask if you have any spare Adderall. This means it’s working.

Did you ever wonder which one of your friends wants to keep partying? Just a shake of a pill bottle at any event will send hoards of loyal allies to your side. You will never be truly alone once you become the Johnny Appleseed of Adderall.

Hey, this all sounds great, but there’s ANOTHER perk to this Addy Script gig. Why not take one for yourself every now and then? Adderall can instantly get you out of any mental rut, give you new thoughts, new visions, new ambitions. It’s basically legal meth which is a well known and effective tool in making you a better speaker, and a more entertaining conversationalist.

Are you ready to transform from an unlovable miscreant to a guy who gets texts from the entire gender spectrum during any hour of the day? Well, what are you waiting for? Reach out to your local psychiatrist about Adderall today! God my teeth hurt.

Dead Metalhead Surprised to Find Satan Is Actually More Of a Dave Matthews Fan

Posted on by Chris Bowen

HELL — Local metalhead Duane Hovey came to a shocking discovery after a tragic gravity bong explosion that the dark lord himself prefers the sounds of more mellow, radio friendly rock.

“You know what they say: never meet your idols. When I realized I was dead, I thought, ‘well damn, this won’t be all that bad. I’m sure Satan will be totally metal.’ But boy was I wrong,” Hovey explained. “All those bands, the whole satanic panic movement… all for nothing! The Devil is a total wuss rock fan! When I first entered the halls of hell, I could hear that one ‘Crash Into Me’ song playing. I assumed it was some demon going over some other guy’s sins or something, but it turns out it was the dark lord himself. Man, King Diamond is going to be so disappointed when he finds out.”

One of Satan’s head demons, Argomon, weighed in on his infernal majesty’s music preference.

“Ever since I’ve been here, which is from about the mid 90’s, my lord and master has been constantly playing DMB night in and night out,” Argomon stated. “You know how difficult it is to maintain a strong torture regiment to Dave Mathews’ voice and weirdly high-up-on-his-body guitar strumming? It just doesn’t sit right for me. I mean, even if he left every once in a while on a grocery run or something we could blast some Nunslaughter or Venom or something, but he never goes anywhere, he just stays in and plays with his cats constantly like some freak.”

Satan took the time away from hammering nails into a poor soul’s soles to comment on the matter.

“You know, I like what I like. I guess it’s flattering that all those heavy metal guys put likenesses of me on their album covers and merchandise, but all that stuff is just noise to me,” the angel of darkness said. “I appreciate an artist with true talent, and those guys just don’t have it. I’ll take Boyd Tinsley’s violin playing over a heavy metal guitarist’s shredding anyday. The way I see it, it doesn’t take talent to scream all crazy anyway, just sayin.’”

Sources report that at the time this article was written, echoes of Matchbox Twenty could be heard throughout the dark kingdom.