5 Deep Breathing Exercises That Will Not Work Because You’re Attempting Them In Between Bong Rips While Watching A Netflix Documentary About A Serial Killer

Posted on by Mimi Kenny

Feeling overwhelmed? You’re not alone! With the hectic pace of the modern world and what feels like a daily barrage of bad news, it can seem impossible to even find a moment of bliss. But peace of mind doesn’t come from social media likes or the seemingly-perfect career. It comes from within, and it starts with taking one deep breath.

Anyone who practices these deep breathing exercises properly can experience a multitude of positive effects, from better sleep to a more relaxed mood. However, they’ll ultimately prove ineffective for you, who is trying them while also taking hits from a resin-soaked bong and half-watching “Memories of a Murderer: The Nilsen Tapes.”

4-7-8 Breathing
Counting can do wonders for calming a restless mind. In this exercise, you inhale to a count of four, hold to a count of seven, and exhale to a count of eight. Of course, you’ll blow it by virtue of the fact that you can’t be trusted to stand up for seven seconds, much less hold your breath. And if you somehow manage to start counting correctly, you’ll soon be derailed by hearing the sentence, “We then found out the pieces of bones from the drain were indeed from a human body.”

Alternate-Nostril Breathing
Known amongst yoga practitioners as nadi shodhana, this exercise involves plugging one nostril with your thumb and the other with your ring finger. Open one nostril at a time, breathing in and out slowly and deeply. You’ll be amazed by how much calmer you feel after even just one cycle, or maybe that’s the “cosmic porcupine” you’ve been toking for the last half hour. Kind of a buzzkill to have that interrupted by hearing how Dennis Nilsen would burn the bodies of his victims in the backyard of his building, though.

Laying on Back
It’s simple — lay on your back and breathe deeply. Place a hand on your stomach and watch it rise and fall with each inhale and exhale the gentle rhythm reminding you of waves lapping upon the shore. Unfortunately, you won’t get to appreciate that connection since you just remembered you put something in the oven like an hour ago and also just heard about how Dennis Nilsen would target young male runaways in London gay bars.

Mantra Breathing
Think of a phrase that makes you feel at peace, and say it with each breath. Try something like saying “I am” on the inhale and “here” on the exhale and see how much better you feel. Unless of course “here” is high in front of your tv learning murder stuff, then it won’t work for shit.

Box Breathing
This is the exact same concept as the 4-7-8 breathing, only you’ll count to four every time. Do this for 10 minutes each day for a week and you’ll find yourself in a state of unadulterated bliss. Of course, your lifestyle doesn’t exactly scream “self discipline” so alternatively, continue to skim through articles like this anytime you’re sober enough to use google, half-ass the exercises, and then just stare into the void of your existence between panic attacks.

How I Saved Money by Not Going to Coachella and Just Did a Ton of Shrooms at Forever 21 Instead

Posted on by Charlie Carey

While thousands of idiots were spending gobs of cash to go to Coachella, I had the exact same experience without the hefty price tag. As a benevolent consumer, I’m here to share my wisdom with all of you. My protip: Skip the pricey festivals and just go do shrooms at Forever 21 instead! In addition to saving money, the benefits include:

Shorter commute
Why travel miles across state lines when you can just drive 20 minutes to the closest mall? This shaves hours off the journey to get there and saves enough time that you can even stop at the food court to get a snack before embarking on your day of fun.

Similar crowd situation
Forever 21’s layout is pretty chaotic. Racks in the middle of walkways and mannequins in inconvenient places make navigating the store just like navigating a crowd at a busy festival. You will bump into just as many objects and need to shove your way through just as many mesh tops and chain belts.

Billie Eilish and Doja Cat are both there
In just under 10 minutes, I was able to hear two of Coachella’s headliners. If you did this right and took a bunch of psychedelics beforehand, there’s enough product around to distract you while the music is playing that you won’t even notice they aren’t physically there.

No one wants you there
Have you ever met someone working at Forever 21? They will give you the same energy as some influencer you ran into that is disgusted to be breathing the same air as you. Their indifference whether you live or die is the perfect setting to become paranoid that you are acting weird.

It’s just as gross
Customer interaction isn’t the only thing those employees hate. They also hate cleaning. The clothes littered on the ground and trash in the changing rooms offer the same ambiance as festival grounds. The bathrooms that haven’t been cleaned in weeks also have the same ‘ick’ factor as a porta-potty.

The lights are just as bright
The contrast of the bright colorful clothes against stark white tiles gives you plenty to look at while you’re tripping, and pairing it with the booming music and hoards of teens, it’s the perfect recipe for a great panic attack. Just like at Coachella!

These are just a few of the advantages of getting high at the mall instead of going to California to do it. If you decide to follow my expert advice and do this instead, just remember that the security guards definitely know you’re high and are going to report you to the secret government organization they are a part of. Happy tripping!

Metalhead Lab Technician Always Wears Safety Gloves With Fingertips Cut Off

Posted on by Stephen Bell

SALEM, Ore. — Metalhead and biology lab technician Chris Mathes once again cut the fingertips off his safety gloves despite the risk of contamination and constant warnings from his superiors, confirmed several sources close to the scientific headbanger.

“Everyone in the lab screams at me about how I need to wear functional safety gloves while handling specimens or pouring something dangerous like hydrochloric acid. But I’d rather melt my fingertips off than look like some conformist loser with normal gloves,” said Mathes while drinking a tallboy on his lunch break. “Next they will ask me to wear a hairnet so my hair stops dipping into every petri dish I handle or sew the sleeves back on my lab coat. Look, some things are just non-negotiable.”

The lab’s General Supervisor Dr. Darlene Abdella was displeased with Mathes’ insistence on fingerless rubber gloves.

“First off, he keeps bringing his guitar to work even though I’ve told him multiple times that this is not the time or the place to practice solos. His thrashing scares the rats and our experiments with earthworms were ruined when feedback from his amp broke their enclosure. Secondly, we do serious biology here and he’s constantly getting his DNA mixed in with the samples,” stated Dr. Abdella. “When I confronted him about this, he suggested that maybe if his DNA mixed in with the rat DNA and growth hormone then it would create some sort of badass elder god-like monster that slaughters the innocents and slakes its thirst with the blood of virgins… I’m going to have to double-check if he lied about graduating from college.”

Occupational Health and Safety Administration inspector Prateek Basu said that many fans of various musical genres present their own risks in laboratory settings.

“Every day I see people of different music cultures causing safety issues,” said Basu. “I have to remind punks all the time to not drink methanol because it causes blindness, and ska fans cause 30,000 laboratory-related deaths each year because they begin skanking whenever they get good news and it creates big safety problems across the board. Surprisingly though Parrotheads, AKA Jimmy Buffet fans, are some of the biggest offenders. They bring live parrots into hospital lab settings which is completely unsanitary. Plus they refuse to wear closed-toed shoes. You’ve gotta wear close-toed shoes.”

At press time, Mathes was being offered a Nobel Prize in medicine after successfully teaching the lab rats how to do a wall of death.

Band of Horses Guitarist Put Down After Breaking Leg

Posted on by Mitch Socia

LOUISVILLE, Ky. — Tragedy struck indie rock group Band of Horses last night when guitar player Brett Nash suffered a career-ending leg injury mid-show and was euthanized on the spot, according to horrified onlookers.

“It was such a good show. We were all having a good time, and then [Nash] jumped from the drum riser,” said fan Shawna Cunningham, who was back by the trough and merchandise table when the incident occurred. “You know — classic rocker move. But when he landed, the pop was louder than the music.”

Witnesses reported it was one of the most gruesome onstage accidents they had ever seen.

“The place just went silent. We all hoped he would pop up and keep going, but it was definitely over for him. I could totally see bone,” said fan Travis Pelto, who saw the injury and execution from just behind the stage barrier. “He was still in his prime, Band of Horses was booked on Riot Fest, Bumbershoot, and Coachella this year which is basically the Triple Crown of music fests.”

Silva Artist Management later confirmed the incident, releasing a statement that Ramsey was “put out to pasture.”

“It’s not something we like to do, but with a breed like this, there’s likely no coming back from that kind of a break,” said Ted Penridge, a first responder who ensured humane treatment. “There was no time to get him back to the green room, so unfortunately, we had to put him down.”

While many fans were shocked by the quick and horrific scene, Penridge claimed he did what was best for the injured musician.

“You hope these guys have long careers and are put out to stud or teach lessons or something after 30,” said Penridge. “His owners and handlers at Interscope gave me the orders. There wasn’t much I could do.”

With a European tour on the horizon, singer Ben Bridwell is confident the group can move on and be better, faster and stronger.

“We cannot let a setback like this slow us down,” he said this morning. “We have already reached out to David Isen of Horse the Band in hopes of rebuilding our stable of members.”

Photo by Kat Chish.

Review: Soccer Mommy “Sometimes, Forever”

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Indie darling Soccer Mommy is back, and she’s bringing her signature quirky lyrics, soaring soprano, and reverb-heavy guitars to her newest effort, titled “Sometimes, Forever.”

Honestly, on first listen, Soccer Mommy sounds a lot like Alanis Morisette? Which is totally fine, but every time I hear Alanis Morisette, I wind up having flashbacks to the time I lost my virginity to “Jagged Little Pill” in the bed of my secret girlfriend’s pickup truck. That was wild, man. We were both freshmen in college, back home on fall break, and we had just driven the truck out to a literal cornfield to awkwardly get it on.

After we finished (and by “finished,” I mean the album, not each other, because frankly, the sex was deeply unsatisfying and weird) we wound up driving back into town for the annual Harvest Festival. You know, the whole like, rural small-town kind of affair where everyone pretends the entire geographical area isn’t wildly economically depressed, and instead of an idyllic autumnal paradise? Bobbing for apples and crafty shit and pumpkins that are actually pretty impressive? One of those.

Now normally, that would be a decent and very Saphhic post-coital activity, but this happened to be the ‘96 Harvest Festival where there was a tragic chainsaw sculpture accident. We rolled up in her truck pretty much at the same time as the ambulance. There was a lot of blood, and Old Gary went from the foremost stump artist of the tri-county area to just another grizzled dude with one hand who would use his accidental amputation to scare children for the next three decades. He did end up having a decent acting career as the creepy old gas station attendant in the slasher-revival era of horror movies, though.

My girlfriend wound up jumping into the scene to pick up Gary’s amputated hand and honestly I think she liked handling that kind of gore a little too much, so that was the end of that relationship. You can’t really forget a woman you loved grinning while that close to that kind of viscera, you know? But I’ll never be able to hear Alanis Morisette without thinking about the most mediocre fingerbanging of my life, followed by a graphic image of Old Gary’s dangling wrist tendons and shit.

Soccer Mommy also has that effect by the transitive property of soundalikes. That’s too bad.

SCORE: -1 hands

/**/

Judge Rules Cop Wildly Firing Gun in All Directions Was Afraid Death Can Come for Him at Any Time

Posted on by Nathan Kamal

DURHAM, N.C — A federal judge ruled that Durham police officer Darrell Bartlett was justified in shooting his sidearm wildly in all directions because he was gripped with fear that death can come for him at any moment, sources report.

“This court has found that Officer Bartlett acted within the bound afforded to him as an officer of the law,” said US District Judge Jenna Davidson in a statement. “Any deaths or injuries caused by the actions of Officer Bartlett are an unfortunately necessary and acceptable part of the duties of law enforcement, as he was in that moment scared of everything that exists that could take his life. In the line of duty, police officers must make snap decisions, including the risk of deranged snipers, reckless motorists, chunks of ice falling from the wings of passing jet airlines, and the silent killer, colon cancer. This ruling shows that police are also justified in using deadly force when they are haunted by existential threats like climate change and an inevitable AI takeover.”

Officer Bartlett was relieved by Judge Davidson’s decision, but still shaken by the experience.

“I will never forget how in a split second as I was taking a break to get coffee,” said Bartlett. “I suddenly and truly realized the concept of human mortality and that it applied to me personally, just as it has applied to each and every human that has ever existed. My newfound understanding that my life was nothing more than a tiny grain of sand on an infinite beach and that it’s always in danger of being snuffed out by an uncaring and faceless death set in, and naturally, I fired my weapon to protect myself.”

“I mean, I really shot the fuck out of that coffee shop,” Bartlett added. “Like just clip after clip.”

Barista Francisca Reyes was at the scene when Officer Bartlett grasped the fragility of his existence.

“I thought this might actually be the time a cop was punished for being reckless,” said Reyes, flinching at a car backfire. “I didn’t realize that qualified immunity could be interpreted to mean a cop can basically become a mass shooter and never face any consequences. And I really don’t understand why he’s receiving the Medal of Valor. Our legal system is absolutely broken. I mean, just look up Tennessee v. Garner and tell me we don’t live in a society where a cop can blow your fucking brains out for no reason.”

As of press time, Officer Bartlett was poking through his station’s evidence locker after realizing life was too short to not ever try cocaine.

Opinion: “Everything Everywhere All At Once” Is Just Part Of The Liberal Agenda To Make Us Ask Ourselves The Big Questions, Feel Things We Haven’t Felt In Years, And Cry In Public

Posted on by Dan Rice

Well, the Hollywood liberal propaganda machine is back folks, and in full force, this time in the guise of a sci-fi flick called “Everything Everywhere All At Once.”

When I heard there was a new multiverse movie I couldn’t wait to go through the motions of seeing my favorite pre-established geekdom characters team up to do laser karate and such. What I got instead was some diversity casting art film that moved me in ways I hadn’t felt since I was a naive teenager. Pure manipulation and exploitation!

All I wanted to do was munch on popcorn and be mindlessly entertained. Instead, I’m wondering if I gave up on my dreams too quickly, weeping tears of joy, and contemplating a reconciliation with the lesbian daughter I disowned 10 years ago. Thanks a lot, Obama!

This is the future liberals want! A future where we just up and decide to forgive ourselves and one another, to end the cycle of abuse we’ve been cogs in our entire lives, and move through the world with love and compassion for ourselves and the people who touch our lives. No thank you, George Soros!

I do not go to the cinema to be filled with ideas, challenged, or have my emotions engaged. I go to the cinema to make sure that the latest Marvel movie is beat for beat exactly what the internet said it was going to be 2 years in advance. Either it is, and I applaud, or there is the slightest deviation of my expectations and I violently complain about women on the internet. THAT’S cinema, not some thought-provoking visually stunning contemplative art piece with genuine humor and heart that has you leaving the theater with a renewed sense of wonder.

The only thing close to an emotional or thought-provoking response I’ll accept from a film is a slight giddiness and sense of admiration for corporate synergy when two different Spidermans talk to each other. Anything that goes deeper than that is pure deep state propaganda.

It was my weekend with my son when I saw that movie. How am I supposed to explain to an 11-year-old boy that his father was crying, not because of gambling losses or Trump being cheated out of office, but because he was moved by a piece of art? That’s nothing a future Marine should know his parent is capable of.

New Sigur Ros Album Perfectly Captures the Universal Experience of Being Wèuupøhjc Śytœñsshürrvåq

Posted on by Zach Raffio

NEW YORK — Sigur Ros fans are beaming this morning upon hearing the band’s new album which perfectly captures the universal experience of being wèuupøhjc śytœñsshürrvåq.

“Even though I can’t understand a lick of what that’s guy howling, something about the music makes me feel seen and empowered,” noted superfan Jenna Smeth, who describes the new album as “epic.” “I’ve spent my entire life feeling wèuupøhjc, and have often shamed myself for being śkiïpł and maybe even a little ñdgÿÿÿėçræb, but that stops today.”

The Icelandic band’s lyrics are often written in “Hopelandic,” a completely-made-up language coined by the group, which somehow hits home with countless listeners.

“Picture it: 10,000 people, under beautiful lights, all singing along with entirely different lyrics,” said Sigur Ros superfan Craig Whisp while trying to Google a specific live video but messing up the spelling. “Despite the fact that the words are literal nonsense, we find ourselves more represented by these phrases than actual, legal words. It’s an experience that makes us all one; it’s universal, in that it applies to nobody in particular at all.”

Local tattoo artist Sheila Dessby had to close her shop temporarily as a result of the acclaimed new record.

“Whenever people want even the simplest Sigur Ros lyric tattooed, it always ends up being intricate body art,” noted Dessby, who longs for the days of people getting tattoos of Sufjan Stevens’ “All Things Go” lyric. “I normally just charge extra, but today was a different story. I’d have to open up a second shop in order to fit all the people who wanted ‘rtÿaâ lœj ñdèëßôpåçā’ tattooed. I don’t know what it means, but it’s clearly hit a nerve.”

At press time, Smeth was seen being cursed out in Icelandic after trying to speak Hopelandic while visiting Iceland.

Father-Son Communication Whittled Down to Asking For Latest Passwords

Posted on by Harry Valentine

ATLANTA — Local bartender and part-time student Carl Frum’s communication with his father, Bernard Frum, has been pared down to only asking for the streaming service passwords, according to sources.

“I love my dad, I really do. He’s just not much of a texter. Or a phone caller. We talk better in person,” the junior Frum stated. “Well, we don’t really talk much when we’re in person either. For a while, it was just me asking to borrow money when I needed it, and him letting me know how much I owed him afterward. But even that petered out when I still hadn’t paid him back for some tires he bought me in 2016. Since then it’s been down to passwords and password-related topics, especially since he knows I don’t have a yard to mow.”

Olivia Frum, Carl’s mother, takes the changing relationship in stride.

“Carl and I talk every week or so, but he and Bernard have a different way of communicating,” said Mrs. Frum. “They get all they need from Carl texting to ask for the latest Hulu, Netflix, or HBO password, then Bernard replying with that password. One day I thought I caught them catching up on each other’s lives, but it turned out that Carl had just gotten a free trial for Peacock. It was nice of him to share that. He’s a good son.”

The situation seems to be worsening, but according to Dr. Phyllis Washington, an expert on family counseling from Emory University, there may be hope.

“It’s not just Carl and Bernard—a father and son only discussing streaming logins is an increasingly common phenomenon nationwide,” Dr. Washington said. “Luckily, there are strategies we can implement. Carl could come up with a list of topics to discuss with Bernard, like sports, movies, or movies about sports. Olivia could get involved too, simply by calling Carl, mentioning a current event, then passing the phone to Bernard with no warning. Think of it like trying to get two dogs to be friends with each other. Their minds are simple, no need to reinvent the wheel.”

At press time, Bernard Frum, unsurprisingly, could not be reached for comment.

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