While thousands of idiots were spending gobs of cash to go to Coachella, I had the exact same experience without the hefty price tag. As a benevolent consumer, I’m here to share my wisdom with all of you. My protip: Skip the pricey festivals and just go do shrooms at Forever 21 instead! In addition to saving money, the benefits include:
Shorter commute
Why travel miles across state lines when you can just drive 20 minutes to the closest mall? This shaves hours off the journey to get there and saves enough time that you can even stop at the food court to get a snack before embarking on your day of fun.
Similar crowd situation
Forever 21’s layout is pretty chaotic. Racks in the middle of walkways and mannequins in inconvenient places make navigating the store just like navigating a crowd at a busy festival. You will bump into just as many objects and need to shove your way through just as many mesh tops and chain belts.
Billie Eilish and Doja Cat are both there
In just under 10 minutes, I was able to hear two of Coachella’s headliners. If you did this right and took a bunch of psychedelics beforehand, there’s enough product around to distract you while the music is playing that you won’t even notice they aren’t physically there.
No one wants you there
Have you ever met someone working at Forever 21? They will give you the same energy as some influencer you ran into that is disgusted to be breathing the same air as you. Their indifference whether you live or die is the perfect setting to become paranoid that you are acting weird.
It’s just as gross
Customer interaction isn’t the only thing those employees hate. They also hate cleaning. The clothes littered on the ground and trash in the changing rooms offer the same ambiance as festival grounds. The bathrooms that haven’t been cleaned in weeks also have the same ‘ick’ factor as a porta-potty.
The lights are just as bright
The contrast of the bright colorful clothes against stark white tiles gives you plenty to look at while you’re tripping, and pairing it with the booming music and hoards of teens, it’s the perfect recipe for a great panic attack. Just like at Coachella!
These are just a few of the advantages of getting high at the mall instead of going to California to do it. If you decide to follow my expert advice and do this instead, just remember that the security guards definitely know you’re high and are going to report you to the secret government organization they are a part of. Happy tripping!