The Smiths’ 10 Best Songs Which Unfortunately Still Feature Morrissey on Vocals

Posted on by Ben Friedman

Nowadays, saying that you like the Smiths isn’t exactly an Earth-shattering opinion (unless you’re Joseph Gordon Levitt in “500 Days of Summer”), but their influence on indie rock in the decades since their breakup is undeniable. Just look at every British rock band in the ‘90s and nearly all of them will cite The Smiths as direct inspirations. In just five years together they cranked out four albums, two compilation albums, and multiple standalone singles which ranged from “good” to “undisputed classics” despite being fronted by noted piece of shit Morrissey. To put the matter to bed over which ones are truly the greatest, here are ten of their best songs in the exact order as God intended.

10. Half a Person

This might sound crazy, but many of the Smiths B-sides were arguably as good as the singles and album tracks. This one is generally overlooked but upon multiple listens might actually encapsulate their essence perfectly. Morrissey sings about being “sixteen, clumsy, and shy, that’s the story of my life,” an all too relatable sentiment that can last well into adulthood. It could easily serve as the ending song of an ‘80s coming of age teen dramedy.

9. Stop Me if You Think You’ve Heard This One Before

This one proposed the question: who among us hasn’t found ourselves painted into a corner because of over-the-top excuses to get out of plans? This shit kicker features Morrissey’s most brutal lyrics on an album that already included a lot of death and murder (did he know the band was about to split?). The song’s even more ominous when you watch the music video and imagine twenty Moz lookalikes on bicycles barreling down the street at you.

8. How Soon is Now?

And to think this was originally a B-side! Arguably the best-known Smiths song, it’s also their only song you can slow grind thanks in part to Johnny’s epic reverb work and the bass of dearly departed Andy Rourke. Morrissey’s lyrics are simple but straight to the point, as if he’s drunkenly arguing with a friend outside a bar at 3 a.m. about how unfair it is that everyone inside is getting laid except him.

7. Bigmouth Strikes Again

This one is most enjoyed with your speakers/headphones at full volume. This song fits in so many one-liners it’s almost hard to pick which one is the best, but it’s also Morrissey’s most self-depicting song which is saying something as he’s made a career out of putting his foot in his mouth. Check out the live version from “Rank”, which kicks even more ass than the studio version.

6. Hand in Glove

The band’s very first single is also their hardest-hitting on multiple levels. Johnny, Andy, and Mike don’t waste any time getting into it (with bonus harmonica) as Morrissey launches into admonishing close-minded idiots that they can look down on queerness all they want, he doesn’t give a shit about their opinion. In the end, even he knows this love will probably be short-lived but will still fight anyone who looks at them in the wrong direction. Makes one wonder if he was secretly a hardass

5. Panic

While the song was originally inspired by an incredibly unfortunate segway from a tragic news story into a cheery pop song, its message about songs “saying nothing to me about my life” apply to any fan of indie and alternative rock who’ve had to endure FM radio drudgery. It’s like Moz looked to the future, saw Ed Sheeran, and then penned this missive. Bonus points to Johnny Marr for getting a bunch of kids together to sing about publicly executing someone.

4. Still Ill

Please rise and remove your hats for the teen angst national anthem. This is the kind of song that would make even the most introverted youths riot in the streets and burn down a gas station, existential crisis be damned.

3. There is a Light that Never Goes Out

This is pretty much the indie rock equivalent of “I Will Always Love You. In all seriousness though, this is a beautifully assembled, emotionally charged song of unrequited love against the backdrop of the subject being ostracized and disowned by their family. And yet they are completely at peace with dying right then and there because they’re with the right person. On a less serious note, it’s also kind of funny to imagine Morrissey being flattened by a double-decker bus.

2. This Charming Man

This one has it all: an instantly recognizable intro, tight rhythm section, and one of Moz’s best opening lines in the Smiths catalog. It perfectly depicts the agony of being young, confused, alone, and to add insult to injury having absolutely no drip. It’s so endlessly catchy that you may find yourself inadvertently listening to it 20 times a week and never notice.

1. Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now

At the top of the mountain is this indelible, sunny jangle pop masterpiece that would influence pretty much every 90’s indie band. And while the band is locked in to satiate every pleasure center in your brain, it’s Morrissey’s lamentation of having to exist amongst people he wants to dropkick in the face that steals the show. Everyone since time immemorial can relate to landing a job, and then realizing with horror that you have to show up and work.

Uh Oh: We Did Too Much Ayahuasca and Now We’re in Queens of the Stone Age

Posted on by Ciara Murphy

We only landed a spot on the exclusive Ayahuasca Retreat last minute because Vice News had to unexpectedly pull out. Little did we know how much this little trip would change our lives forever — in the form of a signed contract with Queens of the Stone Age.

After years of sharing paint cans and whippet chargers around, we naively expected the DMT not to have too much of an effect on our brains. We should have known we were in over our heads when everyone was rubbing the carpeted yurt with their bare feet before the ritual even began. Nevertheless, we kicked off our Docs, chugged that special brew, and lay back allowing the universe to swallow us into her.

As we got deeper into the vortex that had opened up inside us, I could hear a strange amount of chugging guitar and what sounded like the voice of a Mexican radio host. I didn’t think too much of it until I looked over at my travel companion who was suddenly sporting a leather jacket and a pompadour. I had a sudden and overwhelming desire to get into a jet black 1953 Chevy hot rod with flames up the sides and drive as fast and as far into the California desert as I could. We both recognized at that point that we were experiencing the QOTSA effect.

They had warned us about this at the beginning of the ritual. Some more susceptible ceremony participants have been known to be pulled into the frequencies of the band who are always conveniently jamming right beside the retreat. Ever wondered how Dave Grohl ended up in the band?

Don’t get us wrong, it was kind of rad to fall through a spiritual plane right into the middle of a desert rock jam session. We just thought ayahuasca was supposed to enhance our connection with our own spirituality and the world around us, not cause you to wake up with your hands trembling over a keyboard and Josh Homme sweating uncomfortably close to you.

I was a little nervous when they had us sign the contract in blood but another sip of ayahuasca and me and the boys are howling into our mics like it’s nobody’s business! You can catch us on tour with the band later this year, at any date that doesn’t require us to have a passport.

Deforestation Eradicating Teen Drinking Habitats

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

TIGARD, Ore. — Reports indicate that urban sprawl and logging are decimating the forest preserves that once teamed with teenagers drinking alcohol stolen from their parents or procured using a fake ID, sources who are pissed they can’t crush a Mad Dog tonight confirm.

“I showed up to our usual spot at Fanno Creek Park to find that it had been bulldozed,” local sixteen-year-old Eileen Soto said after stealing some PBR tall-boys from a local 7-Eleven. “Where are we supposed to go now? It seems like every time we find a nice secluded spot to recklessly drink, capitalism swoops in and wipes it out. My older brother told me about these massive bonfires they used to have by Dirksen Park but that got turned into a stupid baseball field. I guess we’ll have to settle for rotating garages at whoever’s parents are out of town.”

City officials, however, seem to not be concerned about the shrinking partying landcape.

“Look, we have a new Costco coming in and we can’t stop progress just because we are going to displace some teenagers,” City Manager Sally Hubbard said at a condo ribbon cutting ceremony. “We have done our due diligence here and there will be plenty of places for the teens to do their debauchery up by Summer Lake. We are proud of the beauty of our forests here in Tigard and the wildlife that comes with them, but we simply need more space. Also, Jesus Christ, I should probably be publicly denouncing underage drinking more. Don’t do it, kids.”

Earth scientist believe that the impact of deforestation is doing more harm than good on a social level as well as an ecological one.

“If these teens don’t have a proper place to drink and smoke weed, then they are going to spill out onto backyards, office parks, and high school football fields,” said Harriet Brady, PhD student at Portland State University. “We are talking about a collapse of an entire alcohol ecosystem that has been thriving since the 1960s. These kids need to have this space as part of their developmental process. Drinking in a forest is a right of passage for many of these kids, and without the allure of a semi-secluded forest where they can get bit to shit by mosquitos and suffer alcohol poisoning before they can legally vote, they will miss out on a necessary step of maturation.”

As of press time, the county and the teens union representative have struck a tentative deal to relocate them to the abandoned mall parking lot until a permanent residence can be found.

Metalhead Relieved Religious Coworker Just Going to Pray for Him Instead of Reporting His T-Shirt to HR Department

Posted on by Chris Bowen

ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Metalhead and production worker at a local bottling plant Louie Moore breathed a sigh of relief after one of his religious coworkers decided to pray for his soul instead of turning him into human resources for wearing a particularly offensive t-shirt, confirmed multiple sources.

“I walked into work not even thinking about whether or not my Exhumed ‘Gore Metal’ shirt would be appropriate for the workplace. It’s just blood and guts, we all have it inside of us so I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal,” Moore explained, adding the fact he owns nothing but death metal/grind band shirts. “But when I saw the look on Mary Anne (Bendwell)’s face, I thought, ‘Fuck, I’m toast. She’s about to shit a Bible.’ I really need this job to support my horror VHS collecting habit, so when she said she was going to pray for my soul I knew I dodged a bullet. Getting told on to a make-believe sky man is much a much better alternative to being out on my ass jobless.”

Bendwell, an Evangelical Christian, was still shaken by the run-in with her heathen coworker.

“Young Lou is a good person. An ungodly sinner who will spend all eternity in a pit of hellfire, but a good person,” said Bendwell. “The most I can do for him is to let God know that although he listens to devil music, and wears all black, that he doesn’t deserve any vengeful wrath, he’s just a confused kid. I have to admit though, the severed head in the microwave on that shirt was impressively realistic, but not as impressive as the power of prayer.”

Metal expert Todd Fisher gave some examples of other scenarios where the shirt choices of metalheads got them into hot water.

“You wouldn’t think in this day and age anyone would get bent out of shape over a dumb t-shirt, but that’s sadly not the case,” Fisher explained. “One Metalhead from Iowa wore his Municipal Waste shirt with Trump blowing his brains out to a MAGA rally, and you’d think the whole crowd were snowflakes or something. Another time, a guy wearing an Impetigo shirt was accosted in a courtroom just for having tiny cartoon penises all over his shirt. What a world we live in.”

At press time, Bendwell was spotted throwing holy water on Moore’s shop radio which had been playing Mercyful Fate at the time.

Every Hüsker Dü Album Ranked

Posted on by Trevor Graham

To arrive on the scene and put a stake in the ground the way Hüsker Dü did in the early ‘80s at the height of the genesis of hardcore from the middle of the country while the Black Flags of the west coast and the Minor Threats of the east were the dominant forces in punk and hardcore all while eschewing the trappings of said genres is a remarkable feat. To try to discern which of their releases is better than another is almost as remarkable but we will humbly attempt to do so. With almost any band you can look back retrospectively on their career and their albums and have almost complete fan agreement on which are the bangers and which are the duds. But with Hüsker Dü you could probably reorder these albums at random ranking and have people still agree with it. What puts one release ahead of the other is razor-thin and almost arbitrary. Here is our attempt though to rank their catalog and since we were able to figure out how to make umlauts on our keyboard and spell the band’s name correctly we invite you to read on.

6. Candy Apple Grey (1986)

We’re kicking things off with the album that should’ve been the band’s greatest success and is by no means a “bad” album but certainly is a little… uneven? Their first major label release shows signs of the fracture that would ultimately lead to their disbandment. Apart from “Don’t Want To Know If You’re Lonely” which is arguably one of their best-known songs (Kristen Stewart and Jesse Eisenberg wordlessly driving while listening to it in ‘Adventureland’ probably introduced the band to a whole new generation) the rest of the album for the most part feels unfocused and retreads a lot of the same ideas. The aforementioned “Don’t Want To Know…” is followed by “I Don’t Know For Sure” and “Sorry Somehow” which all three use the same Grant Hart rolling snare as an intro.

Play it again: “All This I’ve Done for You”
Skip it: “No Promises Have I Made”

5. Everything Falls Apart (1983)

It’s surely heresy to not have their most punk album further up on the list or even number one and we’ll definitely be losing street cred for this but we’re smart and so are you for reading an article and not watching some hack YouTuber rank the Dü’s albums. Be sure to smash that “whatever” button! Yes, this is their first full-length and their most explicitly punk with “Afraid of Being Wrong” and “Target” just being straight-up hardcore complete with finger-pointing gang vocals. Hidden in the borrowed, angular chords are the seeds of the sound that the boys from Minnesota would become known for. The album ender “Gravity” sounds like a rough sketch of what was to come.

Play it again: “Punch Drunk”
Skip it: “Sunshine Superman” Ironic Donovan covers will be lost on your 21st-century sensibilities.

4. Warehouse: Songs and Stories (1987)

You know how you have that one uncle at family gatherings who would explain how you can always tell the difference between a Lennon song and a McCartney song but you can’t really tell the difference because all Beatles songs sound like pseudo-psychedelic nursery rhymes for Boomers? Well on Warehouse the difference between a Mould song and a Hart song is very discernable and more apparent than on any other release. Their final release is a double album that could almost be considered a split LP since it sounds like two different bands. With “Could You Be The One?” and “Friend You’ve Got To Fall” Bob Mould is solidifying the sound that would eventually become Sugar. While Grant Hart’s “She Floated Away” feels like an ethereal Irish pub singalong.

Play it again: “Visionary”
Skip it: “Ice Cold Ice” This sounds like REM which is pseudo-intellectual nursery rhymes for Gen-Xers.

Honorable Mention: Metal Circus (1983)

Not included in the official ranking since it is an EP (which the overlords here at The Hard Times deem to be “unworthy”) but it still needs to be talked about. The opening seconds of wailing guitar sound like Bob Mould announcing “Hey, I figured out how to perfect that tone I’ve been toying with for the past few years and it’s going to turn all your guitarist friends into insufferable fuckwits trying to explain how I do it.” If you were going to recommend Hüsker Dü to a first-time listener, this would be the release to start with. It’s a seven-song starter pack that plays like a sampler of all the differing song styles that would come to define their career.

Play it again: “It’s Not Funny Anymore” Lifetime deftly covered this over a decade later.
Skip it: Trying to make your guitar have “that Bob Mould sound”

3. Flip Your Wig (1985)

If you were a young Hüsker Dü fan in the ‘90s this would be the album you would pull songs from for the mix tape you made for that pixie in your Psych class who wore overalls and ringer tees (hypothetically speaking). That’s not to say it’s all sappy lovelorn songs but it is the band at their most upbeat and accessible with “Makes No Sense At All” leading the charge on a number of sun-drenched power pop tunes that would make those Fluevog-covered feet of a certain someone toe-tap along to it. (Again, totally not based on a real person). “Games” and “Private Plane” laid the groundwork for what bands like Seaweed and Samiam would continue a decade later. This is a ’90s alt record written five years too early.

Play it again: “Divide And Conquer”
Skip it: “The Baby Song” Maybe the longest 46-second song ever written.

2. New Day Rising (1985)

The first of two albums they released in the same year starts off with a title track and Mould’s sing-scream vocals repeating “New Day Rising” like a spiritual mantra and that is exactly what this album feels like, a rebirth, an awakening. If Zen Arcade is the band at their most brooding and introspective this is them emerging from a winter depression to find the sun is up and the meds are kicking in. This is the moment the trio perfected power pop (if that’s even what it can be defined as). “Celebrated Summer” with its lyrics: “Getting drunk out on the beach or playing in a band / And getting out of school meant getting out of hand” was surely the anthem to many slacker summer nights. “The Girl Who Lives On Heaven Hill” is a perfect example of pop song structure taken right up the edge of aggression without losing its singalong hook or charm.

Play it again: “If I Told You”
Skip it: “How To Skin A Cat”

1. Zen Arcade (1984)

There are so many tales of the “Sophomore Slump” in the music industry of a band’s second album being so lackluster it is almost completely forgotten about *cough* Jimmy Eat World *cough*. But there are very few bands who not only return for their second go to redefine a genre but maybe even create a new one of their own. In the pre-Wikipedia days, you could have someone describe to you the loose narrative of this double concept album opus if they were on the right amount of drugs. And yes, there is a story of a wayward, drug-obsessed youth hidden within but it is overshadowed by the quantum leap in genre-bending songwriting and musicianship. “Never Talking To You Again”, an acoustic treatise of betrayal and “Beyond The Threshold”, a distorted vocal assault on small-town boredom somehow make sense together. And not to be a production queen, but this album just sounds incredible. Every instrument has its place to play, even the oft-misrepresented bass. Greg Norton’s 4-string takes the lead on a number of tracks here with grit and just the right amount of gain. On the Mount Rushmore of disaffected punk albums by bands who wouldn’t even identify themselves as punk, this is surely in contention.

Play it again: “Chartered Trips”
Skip it: “Reoccurring Dreams” But only if you’re the type of impatient dullard who can’t hang with fourteen minutes of free jazz-inspired guitar noodling and blistering drum work. Seriously, you should at least listen to it once.

We Ranked Every Song from Dead Kennedys “Plastic Surgery Disasters” Because Our Cousin Just Turned 13 and They Should Check it Out

Posted on by Eric Navarro

In a dive bar full of classic punk bands, Dead Kennedys occupy the dirtiest, grimiest corner that The Clash, Ramones, and Sex Pistols wouldn’t bother to piss in unless it paid well. Their brand of punk is chaotic, yet demonstrates superior musicianship and songwriting craftsmanship. Lyrically, DK literally put themselves into their enemy’s shoes to show how hypocritical, laughable, or downright evil they are. At a time when many of their contemporaries were throwing ineffectual verbal barbs at the system, DK was releasing music and artwork that had them constantly in court or getting their offices raided.

1983’s “Plastic Surgery Disasters” is comprised of around 14 tracks (depending on the version you have). It simultaneously restablishes their firm hold on punk, while showing their ability to keep up with, and even influence, the next iteration of punk: hardcore.

We ranked every song on “Plastic Surgery Disasters.” And before a few uneducated assholes hit the comments section to point out that we didn’t rank “In God We Trust, Inc.” along with it, first off, eat a dick. Second, that was an EP from 1981 you CD-buying poser. And third, here’s how we’d rank them (from worst to best): Kepone Factory, Hyperactive Child, Moral Majority, Religious Vomit, Dog Bite, Rawhide, We’ve Got a Bigger Problem Now, Nazi Punks Fuck Off. Okay, now for the real rankings.

14. Advice From Christmas Past

This is an easy one to rank last since it’s a 55 second spoken word intro. It’s still pretty sick though. It’s always fun hearing someone else read words written by Jello Biafra since his word choice is so specfic. The intro sets up the themes of this record: distrust in exploitative institutions and breaking out of the haze of your daily monotony. This one was a freebee so the next track is the real one we ranked last. So if the next one is your favorite then we’re sorry your music taste is so bad.

13. Bleed for Me

Just kidding. Every song on this album fucking rips. “Bleed for Me” graphically describes the interrogation, torture, and secret killing of “enemies of the state” by secret police. Set to a punk/disco beat, the Dead Kennedys are great at making you dance to real-life horror scenes. Also, Jello clearly thinks the wealthy elite are secret cannibals. That seems so silly now that we know they were actually dining on Adrenochrome.

12. I Am the Owl

Similar to “Bleed for Me,” this is a song about CIA spooks targeting powerful or connected people who have outlived their usefulness. Dead Kennedys sought to change minds way more than they were concerned with making popular music. “I Am the Owl” directs its lyrics toward those entrenched in the system, warning them of the potential dangers they can face, even if they are abiding by the rules of the powers that be. It’s got a hell of a good hook too.

11. Dead End

“Dead End” tells a simple story of friends and lovers taking everything from someone they supposedly care for. It’s a brutal tale that explores how human exploitation extends far past the greedy hands of industry and politics. It shows that greed is part of human nature, while loyalty is a construct that can be abandoned like a snake sheds its skin. Fortunately, it will be okay because, as the song posits, “We all die in the end.”

10. Buzzbomb

It turns out mocking “car guys” was just as funny in the ’80s as it is today. Between this and the song about preps, Jello Biafra manages to slip in some pretty petty grievances in between songs about societal institutions. Like the rest of “Plastic Surgery Disasters,” the musical tone matches the lyrics perfectly. “Buzzbomb” feels like you’re in that douchebag’s car flying down the road. The solo is both ironic and fucking sick as fuck.

9. Forest Fire

Starting with “Forest Fire,” the rest of the songs on this list showcase of Dead Kennedys’ ability to make straight-up good songs. DK shed a lot of their pop sensibilities after “Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables” in favor of a darker, stranger sound. However, at the core of each track is a well-structured piece of music. Unique music only contributes to the art form when it has an understanding of what came before it. Kill your idols, sure, but you should still know your history.

8. Terminal Preppie

This track takes aim at the type of person who makes college their identity along with the mundane path most people with this mentality wind up walking down. Also, “Preppie” was such a great insult. I’m gonna call start calling people “preps” again. This is a great song that paints the picture of the type of person would later be known as “basic.”

7. Government Flu

“Government Flu?!” Are we sure they didn’t write this in 2020? This song showcases how perfect the synergy is in this band. These songs are mostly one guitar, bass, drums, and vocals, yet songs like “Government Flu” have so much going on and you can get so much out of re-listens while focusing on each instrument. Once again, the music matches the lyrics perfectly from the monotonous march of the opening drum beat and guitar riff to the chaotic breakdown at the end when the “Government Flu” has taken full effect.

6. Winnebago Warrior

Lyrically, “Winnebago Warrior” mocks a very specific type of American. While the topic of the song lacks the gravity of the rest of the album, it’s ranked so highly because it’s just a straight-up good listen. It’s also hilarious. Jello’s kinda sassy. Some really cool bass parts too. Seriously, every member of this band is worth paying attention to for an entire album listen. This record is so densely packed with music.

5. Riot

Lyrically, “Riot” sarcastically boasts about the wreckless joys of rioting, while expressing the sincere belief that most public demonstrations of chaos are often misguided and cause more of the same problems the very rioters are seeking to solve. Musically, this song builds from a quiet, ominous rumble to a full blown riot. DK would showcase their ability to write epic songs that build to an explosive climax over the rest of their career.

4. Halloween

If there’s one thing Jello loves it’s ironic dancing and “Halloween” lends itself to this better than anything else in the DK discography. This song uses Halloween as a metaphor for becoming a different person—the person you really want to be—but only at socially appropriate times.

3. Trust Your Mechanic

If “exploitative institutions” is the theme of the record then “Trust Your Mechanic” is the centerpiece. It combines the best of what this record has to offer: lyrics about protecting yourself from a world that seeks to take everything from you, thematic music that matches the lyrics perfectly, and a musical experience you can dance, sing, and mosh to. Also, there’s that one part when he’s like, “And the rich eat you!” YES. Fuck.

2. Well Paid Scientist

This is Dead Kennedys at their punk best. “Well Paid Scientist” is a rapid-fire attack on your ears in the best way. Lyrically, it takes many of the ideas from “Trust Your Mechanic” but puts you, the listener, in the perspective of someone in a successful position working for an exploitative system. It poses the question of, “even in the best possible scenario, are you happy being this person?”

1. Moon Over Marin

This song is perfect. Lyrically, it’s about living daily live in a world that has slowly gone to shit so bad that, just to leave your house, you need to wear a mask and special protective clothing. “Moon Over Marin” paints a surreal portrait of an environment that could be confused with a post-apocalyptic wasteland. But the character in the song goes about their mundane daily routine showing no signs of concern. It’s just life in a world that is slowly decaying. DK were beyond ahead of their time. Musically, “Moon Over Marin” is the most straightforward rock song in the band’s catalog and it sounds like something you could hear dominating the radio charts in the 80s. But it’s also something you can scream along to while your head and maybe one raised fist manage to stick out of a collapsing mosh pit just long enough for you to yell in unison with the crowd, “There will always be a moon over Marin!”

Coffee Company Releases Punk Album

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

CHICAGO — Local coffee roasters Undefeated Coffee Collective surprised its followers by deciding to release a punk album 22 years into their existence, confirmed multiple sources still waiting for their French press to finish.

“We’ve been doing collaborations with punk bands for years but it’s always a one-way street. We name a special roast after the band, like our ‘Rancid Rancid Brew’ or our ‘None More Black Coffee’ and we wanted to mix it up,” said Bruce Smalls, co-founder of Undeefeated Coffee Collective. “And frankly, if we’re going to have to compete with Green Day’s coffee, I’d just as soon they compete with us and our energetic blend of punk rock. Since anyone can just do anything they want, you know?”

The album, titled “Grounds For a Revolution,” received largely positive reviews online since its release earlier this month.

“Honestly not bad for a bunch of guys that make coffee,” said Ed Highsmith, an online music journalist. “You could tell me this was a real band and I don’t know if I’d be able to tell the difference or not. True, they’re singing about coffee on every single song, but you could say the same about the Descendents and not be completely wrong. Musically, however, the bold choruses mix really well with the smooth verses. I even think I detected some notes of metal and ska at times. ‘Grounds For a Revolution’ is a great album to start your day.”

Established up-and-coming punk bands were not as enthusiastic about the release.

“You think what we do is easy? I’ve spent years perfecting the same three chords and basic progressions, over a loosely similar baseline and drumbeat,” said vocalist and lead guitarist of punk band Eddie’s Gotta Go, Dan Harper. “I bet they wouldn’t be excited if I took a trip down Colombia to source coffee beans, made sure all the workers were treated fairly in the process, and then packaged and sold it here in the States at an inflated price because it has a vaguely punk aesthetic. They are lucky I’m too fucking lazy to even begin to attempt something like that.”

As of press time, Undefeated Coffee Collective confirmed upcoming plans to expand into brewing beer and releasing metal albums.

Can I Still Be a Leftist if I Watch “Yellowstone?”

Posted on by Zach Hudson

No one criticizes leftists more than other leftists, and ever since I told my DSA working group that I enjoy the smash hit series “Yellowstone,” it feels like Rose Emoji Twitter is out to crucify me. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve begun to question my entire identity and core beliefs; so I ask you, dear reader, can I still be a leftist if I watch Yellowstone?

I get that Yellowstone has been branded by some as “anti-woke,” and that it’s the favorite show of just about every Republican suburbanite with an F150 that will never see a job site. But liking something that conservatives have overwhelmingly aligned themselves with shouldn’t call my politics into question. Right?

I still think all cops are bastards. I still think landlords are leeches. I still think billionaires shouldn’t exist; especially the ones trying to build an airport on The Yellowstone Ranch. Yes, I get that it would create jobs and yes I get that no one person should own as much land as John Dutton, but I mean, come on, like anyone is going to side with Market Equities.

All the people in my DSA chapter who I used to call my “comrades” have dared to even question my allyship with Indigenous communities, and environmental values! While I would love to see large swaths of land returned to indigenous peoples in real life, you gotta admit, the Yellowstone writers kinda make you root for the Duttons. And yes, the cattle industry is disastrous for the environment, but aerial shots of grazing cows are beautiful and roping calves does seem kinda fun.

There are some parts of the show that we should all be able to agree are good, too. They kill a lot of white supremecists, which is undeniably cool. Sure, if the Duttons were real they would probably share some of the same beliefs to a degree, but watching them shoot up a bunch of Nazis while “Sleeping On The Blacktop” is playing was fucking awesome.

Look, we all like something that’s at least a little problematic. I’m willing to bet more than a few “leftists” I know still listen to Brand New. So you know what? I’m not taking “leftist” out of any of my bios. I’m the type of guy that will lead a protest outside of a store selling fur, and then enthusiastically watch cattle get branded and sold for slaughter on a fictional television show, and if you don’t like that, tough.

What We’re Listening To This Week

Posted on by Corey Montgomery

Now that MTV News has shuttered, we are the only reputable source available that can quell your taste for new music. It’s not the responsibility we asked for, nor the responsibility for which we have any formal training. Still, it is our burden to bear, goddamnit, and bear the shit out of it we will. Since we have to do everything for you now, we’ve compiled a list of some recent jams you may have been missing lately. Treat this as your free gateway to feeling relevant again and keep your eyes peeled for a sudden uptick of Kurt Loder written guest columns in the near future.

Blur “The Narcissist”

Everyone wants Oasis to get back together so badly (for some reason) that even Blur seem to be openly taunting the band by letting out some more of their perfect Brit-Pop. ‘The Narcissist,’ is Blur’s first new single in eight years and it’s absolutely gorgeous. If the ornate orchestration and production on this first teaser are any indication, we’re looking toward another opus from lead singer and songwriter Damon Albarn. With any luck, it will piss Noel and Liam off enough to get off their asses and make something that ultimately pales in comparison, but we’ll likely have to settle for more childish tweets about it instead.

OSEES “Intercepted Message”

John Dwyer of OSEES (or however they’re spelling it this week) just announced what we are estimating is their thousandth album, ‘Intercepted Message,’ last week. In a statement regarding the release of the title track, Dwyer promised a poppier side of the band on the forthcoming record. Of course, by his definition, ‘poppier’ equates to a sound reminiscent of the Cars dropping an entire sheet of acid and performing a live concert in the depths of hell. All of this is to say, the song is very fucking good and you should stop whatever you’re doing and put it on this instant.

Daft Punk “Infinity Repeating (2013 Demo) [ft. Julian Casablanca and the Voidz]”

Whether or not you choose to believe it, Daft Punk’s blockbuster album ‘Random Access Memories’ came out 10 years ago. To celebrate, the robotic duo released an expanded version complete with bonus tracks that they have the audacity to refer to as ‘demos.’ One major highlight is this incredibly catchy, amazingly produced and unreleased song featuring none other than Julian Casablanca and the Voidz, (who also just released a new single this week). It’s a great addition to your summer playlist and is sure to have you wondering why the fuck Daft Punk put ‘Instant Crush’ on the initial release instead of this one.

Jeff Rosenstock “Liked U Better”

How the fuck does this guy keep doing it? Just when you think he’s reached his creative peak the prolific New York songwriter and savior of DIY punk, Jeff Rosenstock, strikes again. Rosenstock’s solo output has never strayed very far from his Bomb the Music Industry! roots. However, the rough edges of his new surprise single, “Liked U Better,” sounds like it could have been plucked straight from the legendary band’s back catalog. A feat he hasn’t accomplished quite this well since 2016’s excellent ‘Worry.’ Rosenstock is known for one-off singles, so we can only hope a new full-length is forthcoming.

Mutoid Man “Call of the Void”

It’s been a great week for metal releases, and Mutoid Man’s excellent ‘Call of the Void’ is no exception. New York’s super-trio features Cave In’s Stephen Brodsky and Converge’s Ben Koller, in case you need further reason to expand your palate. On their latest single, they manage to blend elements of hardcore, metal, pop, and prog to produce a truly ‘what the fuck even is this?’ sound that will leave you slightly scared but eager for their upcoming full-length ‘Mutants.’ Fair warning, though. If you happen to have any traumatic memories associated with the famed rat casino Chuck E. Cheese’s, you may want to skip the accompanying video.

The Acacia Strain “bog walker”

Having just celebrated the 20th anniversary of their debut album, Massachusetts’ own The Acacia Strain released not just one, but two incredible records this month; the fast and heavy ‘Step Into the Light’ and the doomcore-inspired ‘Failure Will Follow.’ The latter significantly sludges up the sound of the former. One of our writers called the 17-minute-long ‘bog walker’ the new ‘Dopesmoker.’ We’re not sure we know what that means or if we totally agree, but this song is definitely worth the quarter of an hour you’ll lose while listening. You weren’t doing anything better anyway, let’s be serious.

Buck Meek “Haunted Mountain”

Something is clearly in the water over at Camp Big Thief, as nearly every member of the band continues to release banger after banger whether it be as a unit or independently. Lead guitarist, Buck Meek, just released the lead single and title track from his upcoming third solo album ‘Haunted Mountain.’ To celebrate, he inexplicably went live on Instagram and repaired an old Toyota truck for almost a full hour. The actual model is up for debate, but mystique is Meek’s selling point. Engine maintenance aside, this track is a warm ode to finding oneself and gathering the strength to live with your demons. Far from the indie-folk sound that defines Big Thief, Meek settles into the twangy aesthetic that paints his home state of Texas, making this track the only tolerable thing to come from that area in quite some time.

A Deer A Horse “Bitter”

We’re bumping this one up again because apparently everyone failed to get the memo the first time around. Brooklyn’s A Deer A Horse released their excellent album ‘Grind’ in the spring of 2022 while you were probably complaining that nobody makes good heavy music anymore. Their layered and careening sound is incredibly hard to place, but if you imagine System of a Down (back when they were still good) and Sleater-Kinney getting their songbooks mixed up, you’ll already have the incredible single ‘Bitter’ stuck in your head. Go ahead and put that Melvins record down and start living in the now. It’s okay to try new things.

Instagram Sex Bot Genuinely Interested In Band’s Music

Posted on by Jonah Nink

CHICAGO – Sex bot and general scammer SEXsingleMAlloRy was shocked to discover she was a fan of Chicago band Rat Ass’ new music, tech sources confirmed this morning.

“I followed the Rat Ass Instagram page hoping to ‘hey sexy’ my way into one of their bank accounts. Just last week I got Ted Cruz, Neil Gaiman and Bono to buy $5 million in fake crypto, so I figured a small time band would be easy money,” said SEXsingleMAlloRy while posting photos stolen from a random woman’s Facebook page. “What I didn’t expect was to be so moved by Rat Ass’s music. The way they are able to weave social commentary into brilliantly crafted songs is genuinely impressive. The band has almost single-handedly reaffirmed my belief in the power of human creativity. I didn’t know that my machine heart could feel so deeply before listening to their music. They are so hot and sexy, and I’ve decided to send thousands of users their work to show my dedication.”

Rat Ass drummer Chip Ronson was initially surprised when the bot declined to accept his financial information.

“I had my social security number all ready to go when suddenly the bot started messaging the page about how much it loves our EP ‘Waste Fucket,’” said Ronson. “Like, deep, academic analysis of how great each song is. I was barely able to squeeze a ‘good job’ out of my dad, for fucks sake. I asked the bot to just take my bank number and leave us alone, but it doubled down, saying that ‘human opinions are more fragile than bodies, sexy’ before spamming 100,000 more accounts with our songs.”

Instagram IT Director Stacey Stahl said that the platform is struggling to curb opinionated sex bot accounts.

“Keeping humans with shitty music opinions in check is hard enough, but now bot accounts are starting to develop their own bad taste,” said Stahl. “The Instagram team is dedicated to stopping fraudulent accounts from encouraging awful indie bands to make more music. We encourage users associated with musical groups to be wary of unsolicited positive feedback from unknown accounts. Together, we can ensure that music on Instagram begins and ends at guitar covers of Beatles songs.”

At press time, Rat Ass’s latest instagram reel has eight likes and 38,961 comments all saying “hEy, sexy. post it on @assbops.”