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Coffee Company Releases Punk Album

CHICAGO — Local coffee roasters Undefeated Coffee Collective surprised its followers by deciding to release a punk album 22 years into their existence, confirmed multiple sources still waiting for their French press to finish.

“We’ve been doing collaborations with punk bands for years but it’s always a one-way street. We name a special roast after the band, like our ‘Rancid Rancid Brew’ or our ‘None More Black Coffee’ and we wanted to mix it up,” said Bruce Smalls, co-founder of Undeefeated Coffee Collective. “And frankly, if we’re going to have to compete with Green Day’s coffee, I’d just as soon they compete with us and our energetic blend of punk rock. Since anyone can just do anything they want, you know?”

The album, titled “Grounds For a Revolution,” received largely positive reviews online since its release earlier this month.

“Honestly not bad for a bunch of guys that make coffee,” said Ed Highsmith, an online music journalist. “You could tell me this was a real band and I don’t know if I’d be able to tell the difference or not. True, they’re singing about coffee on every single song, but you could say the same about the Descendents and not be completely wrong. Musically, however, the bold choruses mix really well with the smooth verses. I even think I detected some notes of metal and ska at times. ‘Grounds For a Revolution’ is a great album to start your day.”

Established up-and-coming punk bands were not as enthusiastic about the release.

“You think what we do is easy? I’ve spent years perfecting the same three chords and basic progressions, over a loosely similar baseline and drumbeat,” said vocalist and lead guitarist of punk band Eddie’s Gotta Go, Dan Harper. “I bet they wouldn’t be excited if I took a trip down Colombia to source coffee beans, made sure all the workers were treated fairly in the process, and then packaged and sold it here in the States at an inflated price because it has a vaguely punk aesthetic. They are lucky I’m too fucking lazy to even begin to attempt something like that.”

As of press time, Undefeated Coffee Collective confirmed upcoming plans to expand into brewing beer and releasing metal albums.