CHICAGO – Sex bot and general scammer SEXsingleMAlloRy was shocked to discover she was a fan of Chicago band Rat Ass’ new music, tech sources confirmed this morning.
“I followed the Rat Ass Instagram page hoping to ‘hey sexy’ my way into one of their bank accounts. Just last week I got Ted Cruz, Neil Gaiman and Bono to buy $5 million in fake crypto, so I figured a small time band would be easy money,” said SEXsingleMAlloRy while posting photos stolen from a random woman’s Facebook page. “What I didn’t expect was to be so moved by Rat Ass’s music. The way they are able to weave social commentary into brilliantly crafted songs is genuinely impressive. The band has almost single-handedly reaffirmed my belief in the power of human creativity. I didn’t know that my machine heart could feel so deeply before listening to their music. They are so hot and sexy, and I’ve decided to send thousands of users their work to show my dedication.”
Rat Ass drummer Chip Ronson was initially surprised when the bot declined to accept his financial information.
“I had my social security number all ready to go when suddenly the bot started messaging the page about how much it loves our EP ‘Waste Fucket,’” said Ronson. “Like, deep, academic analysis of how great each song is. I was barely able to squeeze a ‘good job’ out of my dad, for fucks sake. I asked the bot to just take my bank number and leave us alone, but it doubled down, saying that ‘human opinions are more fragile than bodies, sexy’ before spamming 100,000 more accounts with our songs.”
Instagram IT Director Stacey Stahl said that the platform is struggling to curb opinionated sex bot accounts.
“Keeping humans with shitty music opinions in check is hard enough, but now bot accounts are starting to develop their own bad taste,” said Stahl. “The Instagram team is dedicated to stopping fraudulent accounts from encouraging awful indie bands to make more music. We encourage users associated with musical groups to be wary of unsolicited positive feedback from unknown accounts. Together, we can ensure that music on Instagram begins and ends at guitar covers of Beatles songs.”
At press time, Rat Ass’s latest instagram reel has eight likes and 38,961 comments all saying “hEy, sexy. post it on @assbops.”