ENDICOTT, N.Y. — Metalhead and production worker at a local bottling plant Louie Moore breathed a sigh of relief after one of his religious coworkers decided to pray for his soul instead of turning him into human resources for wearing a particularly offensive t-shirt, confirmed multiple sources.
“I walked into work not even thinking about whether or not my Exhumed ‘Gore Metal’ shirt would be appropriate for the workplace. It’s just blood and guts, we all have it inside of us so I’m not sure why it’s such a big deal,” Moore explained, adding the fact he owns nothing but death metal/grind band shirts. “But when I saw the look on Mary Anne (Bendwell)’s face, I thought, ‘Fuck, I’m toast. She’s about to shit a Bible.’ I really need this job to support my horror VHS collecting habit, so when she said she was going to pray for my soul I knew I dodged a bullet. Getting told on to a make-believe sky man is much a much better alternative to being out on my ass jobless.”
Bendwell, an Evangelical Christian, was still shaken by the run-in with her heathen coworker.
“Young Lou is a good person. An ungodly sinner who will spend all eternity in a pit of hellfire, but a good person,” said Bendwell. “The most I can do for him is to let God know that although he listens to devil music, and wears all black, that he doesn’t deserve any vengeful wrath, he’s just a confused kid. I have to admit though, the severed head in the microwave on that shirt was impressively realistic, but not as impressive as the power of prayer.”
Metal expert Todd Fisher gave some examples of other scenarios where the shirt choices of metalheads got them into hot water.
“You wouldn’t think in this day and age anyone would get bent out of shape over a dumb t-shirt, but that’s sadly not the case,” Fisher explained. “One Metalhead from Iowa wore his Municipal Waste shirt with Trump blowing his brains out to a MAGA rally, and you’d think the whole crowd were snowflakes or something. Another time, a guy wearing an Impetigo shirt was accosted in a courtroom just for having tiny cartoon penises all over his shirt. What a world we live in.”
At press time, Bendwell was spotted throwing holy water on Moore’s shop radio which had been playing Mercyful Fate at the time.