Every Tom Waits Album Ranked

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

Does your inner monologue sound like it has a bone caught in its throat? Do you dream of living in abject squallor or riding the rails? When you took a high school career aptitude test, was your top recommended job “Circus Freak?” If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, then you already know the pure joy and maddening bliss that is the discography of American singer-songwriter Tom Waits. Along with his wife/writing partner Kathleen Brennan, Waits has developed a sound that’s entirely his own, a cult figure’s cult figure.

Yes, it’s safe to say Tom Waits is our favorite weird little guy. But how do his albums line up? Where’s the best place to start? Well, read on, dear friends, and see for yourself.

17. Heartattack and Vine (1980)

This album opens with a menacing self-titled track, filled with grit and ugliness. It’s not hard to see why it was covered by shock-rock legend Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. The tragedy is not that its opening song is such a perfect encapsulation of Hollywood seediness, it’s that the album’s remaining eight songs don’t manage to reach the height of its opener. It’s not a bad album, of course, but it lacks the sophistication of ‘70s Waits and the umph of later ‘80s/’90s outputs.

Play It Again: “Heartattack and Vine”
Skip It: “In Shades”

 

16. Bad As Me (2011)

Waits’ most recent (and possibly final) LP, “Bad As Me” seems almost like a career retrospective. Songs like “Last Leaf” harken back to his origins in the spare folk and jazz sounds of the 70s, while reverb-heavy songs like “Talking at the Same Time” or percussive songs like “Get Lost” call to mind songs off of “Rain Dogs.” Ultimately, though, while this album isn’t bad by any means, it fails to quite capture the ambition or sincerity of many of his earlier efforts.

Play It Again: “Talking At the Same Time”
Skip It: “Raised Right Men”

15. Real Gone (2004)

Sure you’ve heard beatboxing, but you’ve never heard Tom Waits beatboxing. Well, guess what, baby, now ya have! And it’s glorious! Now granted, this whole album is a little bit too long, and a little bit too abrasive, like “Bone Machine” or “Black Rider” taken to villainous excess. But ultimately, songs like “Top of the Hill,” “Don’t Go Into That Barn” and “Dead and Lovely” are still there to make it a worthwhile listen and lines like “Night is falling like a bloody axe” remind us why we love Waits’ songwriting.

 

Play It Again: “Sins of My Father” (Yeah, it’s long. Listen anyway, you babies!)
Skip It: “Metropolitan Glide”

14. The Heart of Saturday Night (1974)

Tom Waits’ sophomore effort is, in many ways, a distillation of his first. A true jazz record, this album opens with “New Coat of Paint,” a seedy, dancy number, before offering an emotional gut punch with “San Diego Serenade.” It’s not as inventive as “Closing Time” was before it or as fun as “Nighthawks at the Diner” right after, but “The Heart of Saturday Night” offers an earnest and beautiful listening experience, an oddly lovely addition to the Waits canon.

Play It Again: “New Coat of Paint”
Skip It: “Diamonds On My Windshield”

13. Foreign Affairs (1977)

Often written off as Waits’ weakest work, “Foreign Affairs” is an album I will defend to my last, mostly because I firmly believe its messiness is a big part of its charm. The opener “Cinny’s Waltz,” sets the tone for an odd, if deeply relaxing experience, while “I Never Talk To Strangers,” features a rare duet with Waits and his then partner Bette Midler (you read that correctly). Ultimately, it’s not his strongest effort, but there’s never a moment to doubt that it’s vintage Waits, having some incredible fun.

Play It Again: “A Sight For Sore Eyes”
Skip It: “Foreign Affair”

12. Nighthawks at the Diner (1975)

Waits’ third album is one that’s designed to leave the listener with a sense of “something’s off about this dude, but I don’t know what.” In Nighthawks, Waits recreates the feel of a live recording in the studio, with long, often wryly comedic monologues prefacing each song, a studio audience and improvisation galore, this album feels like a perverse reincarnation of Sarah Vaughan’s “At Mr. Kelly’s,” with lines like “Hubba hubba, ding ding dong, baby it sure didn’t last too long” and “I’m so goddamn horny, the crack of dawn better be careful around me,” strewn in like little gems. Ultimately, though, it is a very long album and one that overstays its welcome quicker than one might like.

Play It Again: “Emotional Weather Report”
Skip It: “Nobody”

11. The Black Rider (1993)

Tom Waits… theater kid? Oh yeah, theater kid. “The Black Rider” is a unique artifact, probably more appreciated than enjoyed. The first collaboration with avant-garde director Robert Wilson, “The Black Rider” is a horror adaptation of a German folktale, and a not so coded “oopsie-poopsie, sorry I shot my own wife, it was the heroin, I swear” apology letter from William S. Burroughs. Ultimately, this album isn’t the easiest to get through, but the run of the first four songs is an absolutely flawless tour of insanity from Waits. So if you think you’d enjoy dark carnival music or simply want to hear Tom Waits sing in a militantly unplaceable European accent, then just come on along with “The Black Rider.”

Play It Again: “November”
Skip It: “‘T’Aint No Sin” (Listen, it’s fun to hear William S. Burroughs whimper this song, but he should’ve probably just stuck to writing terrible books.)

10. Small Change (1976)

Of all the personas Waits has worn in his career, one of his favorites seems to be “drunk philosopher at the bar who smells like stew and looks potentially rabid.” “Small Change” is perhaps the best portrayal of this character. The opener, “Tom Traubert’s Blues” is a travelogue from Hell, while the infomercial-esque “Step Right Up” allows the bass to have an ecstatic religious vision and “The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me) (An Evening With Pete King)” features some of Waits’ best drunken ramblings.

 

Play It Again: “Tom Traubert’s Blues (Four Sheets to the Wind in Copenhagen)”
Skip It: “The One That Got Away”

9. Blue Valentine (1978)

This album marks a transitional period for Waits, a sort of, dare I say… Cosmic Gumbo of his ‘70s jazz and ‘80s avant-rock phase. Like Eugene V. Debs, most of these songs are of a criminal element, which makes it doubly odd to think that the opener is a cover of a song from “West Side Story.” But leave it to Waits to pull it off. Ultimately, though, the album isn’t quite as fun or pleasant as some of his other works and comes off as just slightly overrated in the longrun.

Play It Again: “Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis”
Skip It: “$29.00”

8. Swordfishtrombones (1983)

The first of his experimental 80s trilogy, “Swordfishtrombones” truly shows a new side of Waits, a more performative, character-based side than had previously been seen. In “16 Shells From a Thirty-Ought-Six,” he tells the story of a Faustian guitar bargain, while in “In the Neighborhood,” he plays the role of a deranged suburbanite ranting and raving about garbage trucks and butter. While it still feels a little uneven at times, this album is the perfect accompaniment for a dinner party with all the people you hate.

 

Play It Again: “In the Neighbourhood”
Skip It: “Trouble’s Braids”

7. Blood Money (2002)

If “Mule Variations” is Waits’ Bergmanian struggle with God, this is his holy war against the devil. This album is yet another theatrical excursion by the Waits/Brennen songwriting team with Robert Wilson for the play “Woyzeck.” Released the same year as the jazzy and balletic “Alice,” this album counters it beautifully with crunchy and evil abrasiveness that begs the question: Should we really get our ten-year-old son that drum set?

Play It Again: “All the World is Green”
Skip It: “Knife Chase”

 

6. Closing Time (1973)

A debut for the ages, and a great intro for first time listeners, Waits’ first album features songs like “Grapefruit Moon,” “Martha” and his classic “Ol’ 55,” which served as his first breakout song and was (unfortunately) covered by the Eagles a short time later. Ultimately, while this is a pretty simple folk/country/jazz LP, odd songs like the uptempo (and strangely deeply sexual) “Ice Cream Man” are a welcome indication of the directions Waits would eventually turn towards.

Play It Again: “Rosie”
Skip It: “Little Trip to Heaven (on the Wings of Your Love)”

5. Mule Variations (1999)

A lot of people would likely argue that “Mule Variations” deserves the top spot on this list. They’re wrong, but they can argue that. Still, “Mule Variations” is an ambitious work, with country and blues sounds featured prominently. This album reckons strongly with religion, with songs like “Georgia Lee” and “Come on Up to the House,” skewer American piety, while “Chocolate Jesus” pokes fun at the commercialization of faith. Ultimately, “Mule Variations” is a masterwork that serves to remind us that while Tom Waits might want to be a circus freak, he is not an unenlightened one.

 

Play It Again: “Come on up to the House”
Skip It: “Filipino Box Spring Hog”

4. Franks Wild Years (1987)

Subtitled “Un Operachi Romantico in Two Acts,” (we don’t know either), this is another one of Waits’ theater soundtracks. This time, it’s to a play that he wrote about his father, which was staged by the Steppenwolf Theater Company. This album is a treat all the way through, with a sort of freedom and looseness of a true artist. “Way Down in the Hole,” is the album’s breakout song, serving as inspiration for Nick Cave’s “Red Right Hand,” and as the theme to “The Wire,” but the entire album is absolutely stunning.

Play It Again: “Temptation”
Skip It: “I’ll Take New York”

3. Alice (2002)

Waits’ second collaboration with theater director Robert Wilson, “Alice” is the soundtrack for a play of the same name, about “Alice in Wonderland” author Lewis Carroll’s obsession with young Alice Liddell and subsequent psychological breakdown. From its wintery, jazzy opener to the raucous fake German rollercoaster of “Kommienezuspadt,” to the dark cabaret sounds of “Reeperbahn,” “Alice” is Waits at his most diabolical and his most elegant. An absolutely rapturous experience, start to finish.

Play It Again: “Kommienezuspadt”
Skip It: “Fish and Bird”

2. Rain Dogs (1985)

An absolute masterpiece in almost every conceivable way, “Rain Dogs” blends Waits’ avant-garde sensibilities with ‘80s rock almost perfectly. The album kicks off on a magnificently horrifying note with “Singapore,” which sounds like skeleton pirates out on the prowl, and includes songs like “Cemetery Polka,” which takes one through a greed-fueled wonderland of dying family members. Ultimately, though, songs like “Jockey Full of Bourbon,” “Time” and “Downtown Train,” will make the most lasting impressions. This is Waits at the height of his power, churning out an absolutely phenomenal experience, beaten only by one album.

Play It Again: ‘Jockey Full of Bourbon”
Skip It: “Walking Spanish”

1. Bone Machine (1992)

If you absotively, posolutely, need to have a gutting existential experience, “Bone Machine” gets the job done. From its opening abrasiveness on “Earth Died Screaming,” this album is Tom Waits undergoing a midlife crisis with stellar aplomb. There’s your usual fare, like “Dirt in the Ground,” which sounds like a funeral dirge, but there are also soaring songs like “Who Are You” and “Black Wings,” loud cries into the darkness like “I Don’t Wanna Grow Up” and minor tragedies like “Whistle Down the Wind” and “A Little Rain,” which begins surreally and culminates in the murder of a teenage girl. Ultimately, though, it is the album’s closer, “That Feel,” a cry into the darkness, a statement that no matter how horrific life becomes, we can never lose the feel of how wonderful it is to just be alive that makes the whole thing perfect.

Play It Again: “Who Are You”
Skip It: “Let Me Get Up on It”

5 Times a Band Read a Book and Then Made It All Our Problem

Posted on by Walker JF Glenn

Do you have that one friend who only reads a book every few years, but when they do, they don’t shut their damp, smelly mouth up about it for the next several years? Well, what if that friend was in a famous rock band? What if they owed their label a new record, and hated coming up with their own ideas? In that case you might be subjected to whole songs — hell, sometimes whole albums — about whatever classic they skimmed through but “totally got the gist of.” Here are 5 times a band did read a book, and then made it all our problem.

5. Led Zeppelin, “The Lord of the Rings”

When Robert Plant took a break from singing about the devious and duplicitous nature of women, it was almost always to reflect on the vast and mythical nature of JRR Tolkien’s Middle Earth. Not content to simply steal the blues, Zeppelin also mined Mordor for all it was worth on their eponymous albums II, III, and IV. If you’re thinking “The Lord of the Rings” is such an old book that it’s fair game, keep in mind that the series was only about 15 years old at the time of the band’s heyday — which might explain why the still at large human monster Jimmy Page was interested in them in the first place (look it up.) Eventually the band would get back to more grounded topics like doing drugs and worshiping Satan, but not before they made us all sit through their book reports on “Return of the King.”

4. Neutral Milk Hotel, “The Diary of Anne Frank”

Jeff Mangum was recording Neutral Milk Hotel’s first LP when he picked up “The Diary of Anne Frank,” read it in two days and, according to him, “completely flipped out.” The experience inspired his lo-fi indie rock opus “In the Aeroplane Over the Sea,” which weaves references to Frank throughout the album. Mangum became preoccupied with the young holocaust victim to the point of obsession, the heaviness of which may have contributed to his disappearance from the music industry and public life a few years later. To which we say: please read a second book, Jeff! Maybe one that’s less of a bummer this time? Because as much as we love the radical empathy contained on “Aeroplane,” mostly we’d like some new tunes.

3. The Doors, “The Doors of Perception”

We don’t believe in banning books, but there may have been a case for banning Jim Morrison from reading books — especially the one that would help him start the shittiest band of the 1960s. If Aldous Huxley had known how much keyboard noodling his mescaline scribblings would inspire, he might have gone straight edge.

2. Pixies, “The Bible”

At least the book Frank Black is stealing from is in the public domain, but do we really need another song about Samson and Delilah? Didn’t Leonard Cohen cover this when he did that Shrek song? Pixies’ “Doolittle” contains at least three Sunday School lessons. The aforementioned “Gouge Away” tells the story of Samson’s brutal end. “Dead” warns us all of the possible consequences of being too horny ala David and Bathsheba, and Biblical numerology is used to paint a picture of climate disaster in “Monkey Gone to Heaven.” All three are bangers, but it’s quite a departure from the songs about superheroes and big dicks that populated the band’s previous album “Surfer Rosa.” Church gave us all hang-ups Frank — you don’t have to yell about it!

1. Every Other Band Ever, Anything George Orwell wrote

These days, George Orwell is most recognizable as a reference used by right-wingers to describe any form of tolerance they don’t like, which is all of them. The leftist, anti-authoritarian author is most known for his novels “Animal Farm” and “1984.” Both books are strong warnings about the dangers of fascism, which modern fascists have interpreted to be about how mad it makes them when they are politely asked to use someone’s preferred pronouns. However, before the conservatives stole him, Orwell belonged to rock ‘n’ roll — so much so that it makes you wonder if musicians have read anything else. Most famously, Pink Floyd took “Animal Farm” and made it into a concept album called “Animals,” an LP that serves as the bridge from the band’s good, lean records to their shitty, overstuffed ones. Bowie got in on the fun, too, with “1984” — a song that nods subtly to the author’s most famous book by stealing its title. In the 1900s and early 2000s, Rage Against the Machine and Radiohead quote Big Brother himself — the former in “Testify” and the latter in “2+2=5” (which, for the record, is not true.) Orwell’s two biggest hits are well-trodden territory at this point, which begs the question — can’t these songwriters dig a little deeper? Orwell had non-fiction too! How about a concept album about the essay collection “Shooting the Elephant”? Or a rap-rock recap of “Homage to Catalonia.” Let’s face it, though: musicians are lazy. If most of them read Orwell at all, it was probably on audiobook.

We Dive Into the History of the Summer Solstice Because We’re Trying To Impress This Cafe’s Hot Goth Barista

Posted on by Ben Friedman

The longest day of the year is upon us, and with it comes thousands of years of humanity observing it in their own unique way. Of all the civilizations who’ve marked the occasion of the summer solstice it can be said the Pagan celebrations were undoubtedly the best, mostly because the stunning goth barista at this coffee shop would probably think the same. So let’s dig into some solstice history and pray to Gaia this raven haired stunner is free after her shift.

To put it in layman’s terms the solstice today is like a big summer kickoff, but back when humanity was mostly agrarian this was the start of the harvest season. You could liken it to being the Pagan version of Christmas, though not to be confused with December 25th which the Christians stole from Pagans. Chances are she brings that up to her uptight dad every holiday season.

Apparently the solstice coincided with the water of the Nile River rising, so then the ancient Egyptians would be able to predict flooding. This is key to our opening salvo, because she’s rocking the Cleopatra/Souixsie Sioux cat eyeliner with ankh necklace combo, so there’s a good chance she’s into ancient history.

Of course, it would be irresponsible to talk about the solstice and not bring up the Druids, the original goths. They left behind no “official” written records, but they’re given unofficial credit with constructing Stonehenge, it’s purpose to allegedly align with the sun during solstice. It’s probably a safe bet she’d be impressed with these pictures of StoneHenge from that backpacking trip eight years ago. Just gotta find a way to crop mom and dad out of them first.

Druids were also quite pro “throw shit into a bonfire and hope for a good crop output”, so it looks like the newly installed fire pit in the backyard is about to pay for itself. They also set bonfires to ward off evil spirits, i.e. her shift manager who looks like a total normie. Would she be down for burning an effigy of his likeness a la The Wicker Man?

Okay, time to order. Here’s hoping she’s a history buff and is willing to overlook our tenuous knowledge of Nick Cave’s discography and – ah crap, she just went on break! Looks like we’re observing the solstice by watching Midsommar again.

California Experiences Paper Shortage as Josh Freese Attempts to Print Resume

Posted on by Carter Schenke

HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The entire state of California experienced a sudden and significant shortage of printer paper after Josh Freese attempted to print an updated version of his resume, concerned sources confirmed.

“I always like to keep a physical copy on hand,” confirmed Josh Freese, who recently joined the Foo Fighters as their new drummer. “I had to rent two separate Uhaul trucks and hire a few guys from the Home Depot parking lot to help me move all this paper, but it’s worth it. There’s something that just feels much better about having a freshly-printed stack of paper filling up my entire spare room. That’s why I don’t just add onto an existing resume, it’s really just not the same. And it’s a nice reminder to look it over and reminisce about the time I played in Evanescence. Simpler times man.”

The paper shortage is already having ripple effects on businesses state-wide.

“This is kind of a disaster. It took four full days for his resume to print and by the time it was done we learned that every office supply store would be out of paper for at least four months,” said Greg Jones, a manager at a local Office Depot. “My regional manager actually said we might be out of paper as long as it takes for more trees to grow. That’s how bad this is. People aren’t even considering the amount of ink used either. Do you know where that comes from? All printer ink is hand-squeezed out of coral reef. This is going to be an ecological disaster.”

Despite the general public’s apathy, environmentalists were much more concerned about Freese’s use of paper.

“It’s just not sustainable, people might not think a paper shortage is a big deal, but he’s single-handedly caused the eradication of 15% of the trees in the Amazon, and for what? Just so we know he played in A Perfect Circle? I don’t give a shit,” said Southern California arborist Jake Taylor. “I understand that the PDF file is too big to send in an email and that there technically isn’t a computer big enough to store all of his band data, but there has to be a better way. If he decides to do a studio session for Guttermouth then it might be the end of civilization as we know it.”

At press time, Freese was seen on his way to reprint yet another resume after discovering a typo on page 895.

Ween Fan Packs One Shirt, 150 Whippets in Preparation for Band’s Three Day Run

Posted on by Zach Hudson

GREELEY, Colo. — Local Ween fan Todd Congdon insists he is adequately prepared for the band’s three-day run at Red Rocks despite his suitcase containing only one shirt and 150 whippets, confirmed sources with multiple DUIs and misdemeanor assault charges.

“I’m riding down in my buddy’s old Honda Civic and there’s five of us so I gotta pack light,” said Congdon while frantically scraping resin out of a filthy bowl. “Besides my good dab rig and extra ketamine spoon I’ve got everything I need though. A lot of people don’t know this but you don’t actually have to change your shirt every day. If you leave it outside overnight it basically cleans itself, and I have more room for party favors without all that extra cloth. If I need another one I’ll just get one at the merch booth, as long as I can ground score some cash or trades.”

While many fans see no problem with Congdon’s logic, the band has begun to call their fan’s hygiene practices into question.

“We love our fans but guys, please pack freshly washed clothes. Multiple pairs of underwear, socks, shirts, maybe even two pants options because you might get sick and ruin your favorite cargo shorts before we play,” said founding member Gene Ween. “At least these shows are outdoors so I guess you can kinda get away with it. But if you have the VIP meet and greet pass we ask that you take a shower within the last 48 hours, it really helps us. There’s a reason we still encourage six feet of social distance at those, and it’s not related to COVID.”

While local hotel cleaners, restaurant workers, and residents dread Ween coming to town, people like restaurant supply salesman John Bennett welcome them with open arms.

“Man I love it when Ween goes on tour. My sales for ‘whip cream charger canisters’ quadruple whenever they come to town,” said Bennett. “And before you ask, everyone I sell to owns a food truck so I’m not doing anything illegal. The fact that none of them have been operational or passed inspection in years is irrelevant. Personally I can’t stand the band’s music but their fans are the reason I’m getting a new motorcycle this year, so I hope they keep touring.”

At press time, an elated Congdon realized he could fit 160 whippets in his suitcase by cutting the sleeves off of his shirt.

Every Pavement Album Ranked

Posted on by Brian Mock

Most people over the age of, say 35, are probably at least aware of Pavement as the band that sang that cute song about getting a haircut. Their only real “hit,” “Cut Your Hair” has shown up on countless soundtracks and ‘90s indie comps. It’s ironic, since that song was poking fun of bands that cared about image and marketing. But that’s Pavement. Like their heroes The Fall, there was much more going on lyrically and musically under the surface if you looked close enough. They may have been forever labeled as slackers, but they had the songs and albums to back them up. Special shout out to my fact-checking cousin, Amelia, for providing all the Play it again and Skip it tracks for each album!

5. Brighten The Corners (1997)

After “Wowee Zowee” perfectly encapsulated everything that made Pavement’s first two albums so great, there had to be a turd in the cereal bowl, and that turd was “Brighten The Corners.” For all intents and purposes, this is essentially the first Stephen Malkmus solo album, (though not the worst…and that’s saying something). This is also where the ideas dried up and things began to feel phoned-in. Plagued with songs so lethargic and uninteresting, even their titles are boring… “Type Slowly?” “Old To Begin?” Yawn! And even if you do dream of owning a Volkswagen Passat and going to IKEA, for god’s sake, don’t write a song about it!

Play it again: “Stereo”
Skip it: “Passat Dream”

Honorable Mention: Westing (By Musket and Sextant) (1993)

Unless you were already cooler than everyone else and collecting the early, pre-“Slanted & Enchanted” singles and EPs, you likely didn’t hear these tracks until this compilation came out post-“Slanted,” which serves as sort of a “Slanted” origin story. A handful of songs (“My First Mine,” “Mercy: The Laundromat,” and the enduring fan favorite “Debris Slide”) would fit the “Slanted” vibe. However, most of the rest is on the noisier and weirder side, with mixed results. “Maybe Maybe” and “Price Yeah!” are certainly influenced by their respected peers Royal Trux, while songs like “Forklift” surely gave bands like Trumans Water a template to keep on keepin’ it weird.

Play it again: “Baptist Blacktick”
Skip it: “Recorder Grot (Rally)”

Honorable Mention: Watery, Domestic (1992)

Recorded a year or so after “Slanted & Enchanted” and featuring the touring band for that album, this EP essentially serves as an addendum to that album that neither bests nor worsts anything on it. Just, you know, more of the same. The only exception is “Shoot The Singer (1 Sick Verse),” which alludes to the more produced sound the band would grow into on “Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.”

Play it again: “Frontwards”
Skip it: “Texas Never Whispers”

 

 

4. Terror Twilight (1999)

After the snooze-fest of “Brighten The Corners,” things couldn’t really get any worse, and on Pavement’s swan song, they actually get a little better, if still sounding like more Malkmus solo fare. The songs are better and more varied. “The Hexx” is spooky and jammy, while “Carrot Rope” is goofy and fun, with everything else being somewhere in between. Had they listened to producer Nigel Godrich’s suggested song sequence, this would have been a bit stronger of a record. And why they relegated “Harness Your Hopes,” which became a hit over 20 years later, and one of their greatest songs, to a B-side, is anyone’s guess, but it was a bad decision.

Play it again: “Cream of Gold”
Skip it: “Speak, See, Remember”

3. Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain (1994)

It’s hard to avoid the sophomore slump. But, if you recruit a hipster bass player and especially a drummer who knows what kind of music you want to play, you trade in your Fall records for some Neil Young and Grateful Dead LPs, and let the singer take the lead, it can be done. For an album recorded in NYC, this sure does sound like California. Warm and fuzzy, but still weird and obtuse when necessary (and don’t forget the amazing Smashing Pumpkins diss!). Great for road trips. By not trying to replicate “Slanted & Enchanted,” they avoided being pigeon-holed, and elevated that album to even higher status. Smart move, dudes.

Play it again: “Cut Your Hair.” The hit single they probably never wanted (but wouldn’t admit it if they did)
Skip it: “5-4 = Unity”

2. Slanted & Enchanted (1992)

After early tracks like “Debris Slide” or “From Now On,” it wouldn’t have been impossible to predict what might be next. Regardless, “Slanted & Enchanted” seemed to come out of nowhere as a perfect monolith of indie rock. While it would be lazy to describe Pavement at this stage in their development as a cross between Hex Enduction-era Fall and mid-’80s Sonic Youth, sometimes the Ockham’s Razor approach to lazy comparisons gets the job done. Like Guided By Voices’ “Bee Thousand,” Slanted keeps a perfect balance between the songs teetering on the edge of falling apart and staying together long enough to worm their way into your brain forever.

Play it again: “Trigger Cut/Wounded-Kite At :17”
Skip it: None! They are all amazing

1. Wowee Zowee (1995)

This record could be described as Slanted and Crooked, but thank god they chose a better name. This is the last great Pavement album, and really, the last album as Pavement the band, as opposed to Pavement the songwriting project of Stephen Malkmus. What makes “Wowee Zowee” the best Pavement album is that it has a little of everything in the Pavement arsenal, and even songs that hint at their later albums. It’s like a best-of, but with new songs. The only downside is that these songs fill up THREE SIDES OF VINYL, LEAVING THE FOURTH SIDE BLANK! What am I supposed to do with a blank side of vinyl?! For all the great outtakes and B-sides from this period at their disposal, this just does not compute. This coulda been their “White Album” for chrissakes!! Nonetheless, this should be the go-to Pavement album for fans and curious onlookers, alike.

Play it again: “Flux = Rad”
Skip it: “Western Homes” (but it’s still pretty good)

We Ranked the Top 10 Youth of Today Songs and (Despite Our Doctor’s Objections) Doing a Push-up for Each One

Posted on by Trevor Graham

“Physically strong, morally straight. Positive youth, the Youth of Today!” are words no one would ever use to describe us here at The Hard Times. Nevertheless, we pooled the collective brain power of our scrawny, pessimistic old asses and came up with the 10 best Youth of Today songs.

YOT created the mold that 18 billion other youth crew bands have tried to emulate for the past 35+ years but none have done it as well or with as many muscles. And since we just stretched for a few seconds, fired down some chalky Met-Rx bars, and put on our Nike Airs and Champion hoodies, we’re ready to dive into their catalog and bust out these push-ups. GO!

10. “Thinking Straight”

It’s always so cringey when a straight edge band has the literal words “straight edge” in a song. Other than Ian MacKaye, no one should be singing those words and he sure as shit isn’t going to do it anymore. We appreciate the restraint YOT uses here in not saying it. One push-up down. Geez, that was easy. People complain about these things?

9. “Expectations”

The first song on their first album “Can’t Close My Eyes.” It’s a little rougher production-wise than their later stuff but we like the theme of telling others to get off your back. Like family, friends, or coworkers who think it’s funny to literally sit on your back while you’re trying to do a push-up. Get the fuck off of me, Greg!

8. “Make a Change”

Yes, the theme of many of their songs is some kind of vague platitude on self-improvement and mostly comes across as some kind of Tony Robbins-esque motivational speaker seminar. But can’t we all use some ambiguous encouragement to better ourselves? I mean, look at us — we’re using words like “platitude” now and just did a third push-up. Make a change!

7. “Envy”

This was the last song on their final release. Which is a shame because you can see they were headed in a new direction both musically and lyrically. The lyrics to the big pile-on gang vocals in this are “conceit false prestige!” We have no idea what that means but it sounds tough as shit when they do it.

6. “Take a Stand”

If you haven’t already made a change, had a positive outlook or broken down a few walls, you should at least be taking a stand. This has to be the toughest song with the lyrics “A real nice guy.” Speaking of taking a stand, we need to stand up for a second and walk off that fifth push-up. They still count if your chest is a foot away from the floor, right?

5. “Flame Still Burns”

Okay, our forearms, shoulders, and heads aren’t the only thing burning at the moment from push-up number six. The flame is still burning! Which flame, you ask? The flame of hardcore? The flame of being your best self? Belinda Carlisle’s “Eternal Flame”? Who cares? This song fucking smokes! Speaking of smoke, does anyone else smell burnt toast? And maybe have a metallic taste in your mouth?

4. “Positive Outlook”

It always seems like overly positive people are either making up for some bad shit in their lives or are just completely delusional. And it’s hard to stay positive in this world that is literally on fire while you’re surrounded by 8 billion self-obsessed assholes. But it’s nice to take a one-minute break from that thinking while listening to this song and pretending that everything is going to be okay.

3. “No More”

Gorilla Biscuits said “cats and dogs have all the luck” but YOT went at it a little harder. The first real militant hardcore anthem for going vegetarian/vegan. They made an actual music video for this with some ill-advised non-verbal “acting” and lots of high fives. Coincidentally, “no more” is what we are screaming at the moment.

2. “Break Down the Walls”

Okay, this is the biggie. The one everyone knows in the aging pile-ons that still happen to this day when they play it. The one Atom & His Package did a cover for on his first album (worth a listen.) But it didn’t quite top our list. Why? Maybe because all the blood has left our brains and we’re not thinking clearly anymore. Maybe we just feel like pissing off some dudes in their 50’s who still call themselves “hardcore kids.” Or maybe there is one more song that is actually better.

1. “Disengage”

If you haven’t thrown your phone across the room in a fit of rage yet after reading what was #2, congratulations. If you are still mad though hear us out: This is objectively their best song. Porcell came out of his time with Judge bringing some of that same energy and Ray is dabbling with Shelter-like philosophy and vocals but is still giving us that good growly stuff. This song rips – just like our tendons are doing on this last push-up. Can someone dial 911 for us? We’ve lost the use of our arms.

Nice: This Woman Doesn’t Work Smarter or Harder

Posted on by Dom Turek

Physicists say energy doesn’t die, it just changes form, but Ada Williams, an administrative assistant at Abbott Healthcare, proves that when energy doesn’t die, it just sits there latently while you scroll through your phone on the company toilet.

Williams learned early on that if you want to make it in the corporate rat race, you need your mind and body to work in harmony, which is why she uses her mind to download illegal streaming services onto her work computer and her body to microwave pizza rolls in the back room.

Witnessing her coworkers pour their blood, sweat, and tears into their desk jobs inspired Williams to come up with an innovative idea. By not working harder or smarter, she realized she could increase her daydreaming and doodling time 10-fold, while still taking a smoke break every 16 minutes.

Her controversial methods have left coworkers and superiors alike asking, “Ada still works here?” and “I thought Jenkins was supposed to fire her last week. He must still be out with the flu.”

As with most trailblazers, Williams’ unconventional workplace attitude has been criticized by office naysayers who claim she’s stealing company time. Williams suggests her adversaries “get their facts straight,” admitting she has stolen more in company product than she could ever steal in company time.

What people perceive as laziness is actually a carefully crafted act of anti-capitalism. Whenever Williams steals a box of Kind Bars from the office kitchen or takes on projects she has no intention of finishing, she’s saying “fuck you” to Uncle Sam and his constituents. She sees your division of labor and raises you an “unforeseen dental emergency.”

Williams believes that if they didn’t want you to have fun at work they wouldn’t have put a plastic basketball hoop in the break room. The higher-ups know a portion of the paycheck they sign each week is allotted for time spent zoning out, making personal calls, or fucking the hot new data clerk in the defunct archive room, and that’s business.

Update: Man Finally Finds Perfect Song to Close Out Mixtape for Crush Who Is Now Married With Two Kids

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

FREDERICK, Md. — Local single man and self-proclaimed hopeless romantic Noah Reveis has at last identified what he described as “the perfect” song to close out a mixtape started in 2011 for his crush Katie Dalharter, cringing sources report.

“The final song in your mix is the one that closes the deal — you have to take your time and get it right,” insisted Reveis, who either is in denial that Dalharter got married six years ago and is now a mother of two, or believes The Cure’s “Friday I’m in Love” will somehow make all that irrelevant. “You try finding a mixtape finale that pairs well with Radiohead, Slayer, and DMX. It’s a real painstaking process to pick out a closer that gives off a ‘let’s make out’ vibe. Either way, it’s totally going to be worth the wait when she hears this cassette and falls in love with my music curation skills.”

Dalharter, who played on a local co-ed kickball team for a few weeks with Reveis in her early 20s, initially had no memory of him.

“Noah? No idea. Wait, Noah ‘No Nuts’?!,” Dalharter asked, bouncing her giggling toddler daughter Calathea in her lap. “The backup first baseman who got so drunk after semi-finals that he cried when we lost? Okay yeah, that tracks. So he’s just been sitting there working on a playlist for me all these years. That’s sweet, albeit creepy. Great, now I have to make sure all the video security cameras in our house are up and running. Kind of a weird move, and I haven’t had a cassette player since 2007, so I’m really not sure what he’s expecting here.”

Anthropologist Lenny Sandisfield, Ph.D., said that courtship through song has a long and beautiful history, at least until Reveis came along.

“From caveman times through modern cassette era and beyond, and throughout the animal kingdom, music has always been used to attract romantic partners,” Sandisfield explained. “This delayed mixtape is the most pathetic evolution that I’ve ever heard of. It’s like if a male nightingale started warbling Bright Eyes’ ‘First Day of My Life’ at a mother bird sitting there depositing chewed-up worms in her babies’ mouths. Get a clue, buddy. He’d probably have his head bitten off. Which maybe is what should happen to this guy. Especially for picking such a total cliché song.”

At press time, Reveis was preparing to spend the next eight months deciding whether to title his completed mixtape “Songs for Katie” or “Katie’s Mix.”

Broke Punk Elated to See Favorite Band Not Touring Anywhere Near Them this Summer

Posted on by Tom K

SAN DIEGO — Impoverished punk Greg “Spike” Templeton couldn’t be happier that his favorite band was not touring anywhere near him this summer, relieved sources confirmed.

“You know that old trope with the landlord that’s like ‘you must pay the rent!’ and the distraught tenant on their knees that’s all ‘but I cannot pay the rent!’ begging for mercy? That’s me and NOFX every year,” said Templeton while paying his third overdraft fee this month. “It’s also me and my literal landlord every month, but that’s unrelated. It’s like taking blood from a stone, man. I can’t keep using all my hard-earned money to see these artists who have changed my life and shaped who I am as a person. I need that money for drugs.”

Ticketmaster representative Charles Stein revealed plans to get revenue from poor people one way or another.

“We’re in the process of strategically redistricting every major touring act into a route from which escape is impossible,” said Stein before cackling uninterrupted for 30 consecutive seconds. “We will take your money from you one way or another. We’ve found the golden number, by early next year no show will be more than 22.6 minutes from any town in the United States. Just enough for any customer to cave…and then BOOM we get ‘em with the redistricting fee. It’s almost too easy.”

Ticket scalpers weren’t quite helping the situation either.

“Some of these suckers are strong. They have the willpower to resist the initial wave of mainstream ticket disbursement. Mostly because they have no money,” said longtime scalper Wes Frederickson. “They think they’ve won but they don’t realize they’ve been left weak…vulnerable. They always change their mind last minute on a show and want to drive eight hours to see their favorite band play in a shithole. That’s when I come in for the kill and get them with the aftermarket, all while jacking up the price 200% because it’s sold out and I bought half of the available tickets when they were announced. Nothing better than making a profit on other peoples’ creative work.”

As a result of their show hiatus, Templeton has announced that the money saved will be just enough to purchase all the box-set rereleases of all the bands that have retired from touring.