GREELEY, Colo. — Local Ween fan Todd Congdon insists he is adequately prepared for the band’s three-day run at Red Rocks despite his suitcase containing only one shirt and 150 whippets, confirmed sources with multiple DUIs and misdemeanor assault charges.
“I’m riding down in my buddy’s old Honda Civic and there’s five of us so I gotta pack light,” said Congdon while frantically scraping resin out of a filthy bowl. “Besides my good dab rig and extra ketamine spoon I’ve got everything I need though. A lot of people don’t know this but you don’t actually have to change your shirt every day. If you leave it outside overnight it basically cleans itself, and I have more room for party favors without all that extra cloth. If I need another one I’ll just get one at the merch booth, as long as I can ground score some cash or trades.”
While many fans see no problem with Congdon’s logic, the band has begun to call their fan’s hygiene practices into question.
“We love our fans but guys, please pack freshly washed clothes. Multiple pairs of underwear, socks, shirts, maybe even two pants options because you might get sick and ruin your favorite cargo shorts before we play,” said founding member Gene Ween. “At least these shows are outdoors so I guess you can kinda get away with it. But if you have the VIP meet and greet pass we ask that you take a shower within the last 48 hours, it really helps us. There’s a reason we still encourage six feet of social distance at those, and it’s not related to COVID.”
While local hotel cleaners, restaurant workers, and residents dread Ween coming to town, people like restaurant supply salesman John Bennett welcome them with open arms.
“Man I love it when Ween goes on tour. My sales for ‘whip cream charger canisters’ quadruple whenever they come to town,” said Bennett. “And before you ask, everyone I sell to owns a food truck so I’m not doing anything illegal. The fact that none of them have been operational or passed inspection in years is irrelevant. Personally I can’t stand the band’s music but their fans are the reason I’m getting a new motorcycle this year, so I hope they keep touring.”
At press time, an elated Congdon realized he could fit 160 whippets in his suitcase by cutting the sleeves off of his shirt.