Physicists say energy doesn’t die, it just changes form, but Ada Williams, an administrative assistant at Abbott Healthcare, proves that when energy doesn’t die, it just sits there latently while you scroll through your phone on the company toilet.
Williams learned early on that if you want to make it in the corporate rat race, you need your mind and body to work in harmony, which is why she uses her mind to download illegal streaming services onto her work computer and her body to microwave pizza rolls in the back room.
Witnessing her coworkers pour their blood, sweat, and tears into their desk jobs inspired Williams to come up with an innovative idea. By not working harder or smarter, she realized she could increase her daydreaming and doodling time 10-fold, while still taking a smoke break every 16 minutes.
Her controversial methods have left coworkers and superiors alike asking, “Ada still works here?” and “I thought Jenkins was supposed to fire her last week. He must still be out with the flu.”
As with most trailblazers, Williams’ unconventional workplace attitude has been criticized by office naysayers who claim she’s stealing company time. Williams suggests her adversaries “get their facts straight,” admitting she has stolen more in company product than she could ever steal in company time.
What people perceive as laziness is actually a carefully crafted act of anti-capitalism. Whenever Williams steals a box of Kind Bars from the office kitchen or takes on projects she has no intention of finishing, she’s saying “fuck you” to Uncle Sam and his constituents. She sees your division of labor and raises you an “unforeseen dental emergency.”
Williams believes that if they didn’t want you to have fun at work they wouldn’t have put a plastic basketball hoop in the break room. The higher-ups know a portion of the paycheck they sign each week is allotted for time spent zoning out, making personal calls, or fucking the hot new data clerk in the defunct archive room, and that’s business.