HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif. — The entire state of California experienced a sudden and significant shortage of printer paper after Josh Freese attempted to print an updated version of his resume, concerned sources confirmed.
“I always like to keep a physical copy on hand,” confirmed Josh Freese, who recently joined the Foo Fighters as their new drummer. “I had to rent two separate Uhaul trucks and hire a few guys from the Home Depot parking lot to help me move all this paper, but it’s worth it. There’s something that just feels much better about having a freshly-printed stack of paper filling up my entire spare room. That’s why I don’t just add onto an existing resume, it’s really just not the same. And it’s a nice reminder to look it over and reminisce about the time I played in Evanescence. Simpler times man.”
The paper shortage is already having ripple effects on businesses state-wide.
“This is kind of a disaster. It took four full days for his resume to print and by the time it was done we learned that every office supply store would be out of paper for at least four months,” said Greg Jones, a manager at a local Office Depot. “My regional manager actually said we might be out of paper as long as it takes for more trees to grow. That’s how bad this is. People aren’t even considering the amount of ink used either. Do you know where that comes from? All printer ink is hand-squeezed out of coral reef. This is going to be an ecological disaster.”
Despite the general public’s apathy, environmentalists were much more concerned about Freese’s use of paper.
“It’s just not sustainable, people might not think a paper shortage is a big deal, but he’s single-handedly caused the eradication of 15% of the trees in the Amazon, and for what? Just so we know he played in A Perfect Circle? I don’t give a shit,” said Southern California arborist Jake Taylor. “I understand that the PDF file is too big to send in an email and that there technically isn’t a computer big enough to store all of his band data, but there has to be a better way. If he decides to do a studio session for Guttermouth then it might be the end of civilization as we know it.”
At press time, Freese was seen on his way to reprint yet another resume after discovering a typo on page 895.