DULUTH, Minn. — Local prog metal shredders Bride Of Pythagoras made an announcement this week that every member of the band would be taking a vow of celibacy, albeit entirely unnecessary, before hitting the road for a three month tour, confused sources close to the band confirmed.
“Leading up to our announcement, everyone in the band agreed that we need to be completely focused during our upcoming tour with no distractions from the two or three women we’ll see over the next few months at our shows,” said Bride Of Pythagoras vocalist Bennett Plimpleton. “We’re not some punk rock band who plays three chords and passes out on stage from drunkenness. All of our repertoire contains every major, minor, augmented, half-diminished you-name-it chord in the book; usually zipped through at over 200 bpm. We can’t be consumed with something as distracting as sex while treading through a labyrinth of scale modes. Granted, none of us have ever actually known the most intimate of carnal pleasures, but hey, you never know!”
Prog metal connoisseur and straight cisgender woman Miranda Wyatt gave her opinion on the appeal of prog metal as a polarizing subgenre, as well as a female perspective regarding any shred of sex appeal associated with the musical style.
“Honestly, prog metal just does it for me,” admitted Wyatt while dusting off a Symphony X vinyl. “I can’t get enough of the lightning-fast guitar solos, intricate polyrhythms, and fantasy-based lyrical content. As far as sexual appeal, it never occurred to me. It’s like watching a bunch of band directors out-nerd each other on stage. It satisfies my musical curiosity, but is about as far away from a turn on as I can imagine.”
Well-known and respected “rock psychiatrist” Dr. Judith Caldicott-Lipschitz lent her expertise to illustrate connections between musical subgenres and sex.
“I have had the opportunity to work with many famous metal acts over the years such as Mötley Crüe, Whitesnake, and even Ratt,” said Dr. Caldicott-Lipschitz. “They all had one thing in common, getting an absurd amount of ass while on the road, usually leading to band discord, if you will, and would take their focus away from the music. In all my years of practicing psychiatry, sex has never come up with prog musicians. They mainly tend to obsess over V7 chords, worrying they may become tawdry and pedantic at some point. Not exactly Poison material.”
At press time, members of Bride Of Pythagoras decided to amend the vow of celibacy to allow for the use of RealDolls and Fleshlights in case of emergencies.
These cookies are Thin Mints but with raspberry. Thin Mints are the real deal. Raspberry Rally is like the Graves-era version of it.
Dulce de Leche is Spanish for “sweet (made) of milk.” Only Glenn will tell people it’s French for “caramel of the leeches.” This will slightly pique the interest of Jerry Only, but not enough to buy any.
These aren’t even cookies. They’re triangular cheddar crackers. What the fuck, Girl Scouts? Get your shit together.
Pinatas look like pure chaos. They’re oatmeal-based accompanied by a fruit filling topped with a cinnamon and sugar glaze that seems to be drizzled on without rhyme or reason. Glenn won’t be able to memorize all of these features and will choke under pressure when asked follow-up questions.
Lemonades are shortbread cookies with lemon icing. If you’re into lemon-flavored treats then this is your holy grail. But if you’re a normal person you’re probably passing on these.
While these cookies may look delicious on the surface, Glenn is going to rattle off the ingredients in his sales pitch for some reason and blow the whole thing. No one wants to know that these cookies contain something called monocalcium phosphate.
Glenn would pronounce these as “car-mel” instead of “care-a-mel” and no customer could get past that.
Aloha Chips had white chocolate in them. Glenn doesn’t know how to sell anything that isn’t the color black. This one will be a real struggle for him.
If you were in the woods and found one of these on the ground, you might think they were bear turds before they were a dessert or late-night snack. Can’t blame Glenn for this one.
Medallions were introduced to the world in the early ‘80s. This will make Glenn reminisce about his time with Samhain. No one will know what he’s talking about because the Venn Diagram of people who listen to Samhain and people who consume Girl Scout cookies is just two separate circles.
These cookies have a little “thank you” note imprinted on top of them. Glenn is not a fan of foods with words. This will be evident during his sales pitch.
This one will throw Glenn for a curveball when it’s time to sell someone on them. After all, he practiced his sales pitches in the mirror with traditional cookies as his main focus. This will be harder than he thought.
Girl Scout S’mores are like regular s’mores only these say their name on them. Glenn believes this is a distraction and that when it’s snack time, it’s not read time. Danzig has a policy to never mix and match these activities.
These cookies had various animals imprinted on them. Glenn would sell them as a “sugary meat substitute” and turn off potential consumers.
Glenn would get hung up on the name of this one. He isn’t sure whether to emphasize the “Scot” part or the “Tea” part and there isn’t anything about it in the Girl Scouts pamphlet he received beforehand. Not even an FAQ or anything.
These little bite-sized cookies are gluten free. Glenn doesn’t really know what that means for sure, but he has a plan to act like he does. It will soon blow up in his face when he mentions that these cookies do not contain gluteal tissue from a horse. He is technically correct about that part.
Cookies with raisins are like pineapple on pizza. Sure, you are technically allowed to eat that, but have you even considered chocolate chips on your pizza slice?
Little Brownies are free from sugar. Finally, a brownie that doesn’t taste like one.
These are lemon wedges coated in powdered sugar. Glenn wouldn’t know where to start with these ones. Instead, he’ll talk shit about Jerry Only for a few minutes before asking how many boxes he should put you down for.
Apple Cinnamons are the Apple Jacks of Girl Scout cookies. Yes, they are technically cookies, but in a world with Cap n’ Crunch and Lucky Charms, why would you settle for this one? Tough sell.
Glenn will mainly focus on the “royale” part of Praline Royales. He knows an unexpected amount about Queen Elizabeth now that she’s dead. Danzig will go on to talk about other famous royal figures who are not alive anymore and their potential to turn into aristocratic zombies.
PxDx’s debut is the essence of grind. The hard stuff, the pure white. 18 songs in 19 minutes. None of that bullshit like catchy riffing or a standard beat or clear production. This is the band at its most unhinged, for better or worse—mostly the latter if you’re into composition or structure or whatever. If you like tumult as your basis for songwriting and Tyler Durden-endorsed lyricism from vocalist J.R. Hayes like “Perhaps self-sabotage is high evolution,” this one’s for you.
If you’re looking to get into Pig Destroyer, start here. Grindcore purists might yell about blasphemies like occasionally intelligible vocals (!) and professional production (!!), things that make “Head Cage” an inviting record and, thus, not worth your time. A seven-minute song with actual structure and memorable riffs? Fuck outta here! We want 28-second chaotic noise! Ignore the purists. This is PxDx’s version of a gateway drug—the way into the hard stuff. It’s also their most political work, with Hayes trading transgressive vignettes for pithy social commentary like, “The clever ways I’ve devised / For dodging confrontation / How I play devil’s advocate / If I want a second opinion.” Despite guitarist Scott Hull’s snappy riffing and sorta-straightforward song compositions, “Head” isn’t watered-down Pig Destroyer. Instead, this top-five album suggests an alternate reality where the grind quintet evolved into a pretty good groove metal band. Take that how you will.
“Prowler” is the band’s most gruesome work, mostly thanks to its cover that snuff film enthusiasts would swoon over. Despite being a superb grindcore record, you’ll need patience for this one, because a handful of songs go past three minutes. “But my ADHD can’t handle that!” you whine. Deal with it. PxDx made an album with actual production values—so, “Explosions” but without the recorded-in-someone’s-colon aesthetic. Here, you’re able to enjoy and/or be punished by the insanity within. Hull and former drummer Brian Harvey make it easier with inventive playing throughout. And while Hayes was still developing as both vocalist and lyricist, “Eyes like cracked egg shells, empty as life” is as striking a line as anything he’s written. As for whether to go for the original or the remixed and remastered version—that depends on whether or not you’re a poser.
This was the first Pig Destroyer album to get critical acclaim from Pitchfork. Set that icky fact aside, though. “Phantom Limb” is an excellent grind album. It’s here where they started to play with groove metal riffage and something approaching a chorus. Meanwhile, Hayes’ vocals are psychotically rabid, and he gets to the heart of it in a handful of words: “I don’t have any scars / Only dormant wounds / That crack like fault lines.” Indeed, Hayes’ characters have a looser grip on reality than a QAnon follower. Be careful quoting Hayes’ career-best writing, though: “Your legs look so sexy out of context” works as a stunningly demented poetry submission, but less so as a pickup line.
After “Phantom Limb’s” law-breaking critical success—grindcore isn’t supposed to be liked or covered by normies — Pig Destroyer went back to the grind (sorry) for their outstanding fifth record, “Book Burner.” 19 songs in 32 minutes—in other words: the way it should be. This might be a reaction to the reaction (how meta!), but it was the correct one. Hayes again proved he’s one of the best writers in extreme music, with “Book” featuring several of his best story songs, including one about a serial killer who’s really hands-on, and another about the best brother in history who breaks his sister out of a mental institution. Hull’s best-sounding-demo-ever production is the clearest of the band’s career to this point, making it easy to pick out every aspect of the madness. This is the premier grindcore record of the 2010s, and you’ll only disagree because you haven’t heard it.
PxDx’s finest full-length is perfectly named, and includes Hayes’ most tortured performances. He sounds like his entire body is on fire. When I’m on fire, I’m just yelling for help and rolling around on the ground like an idiot; this dude is reciting beautifully fucked up flash fiction. Hayes filled “Terrifyer” with enough obsession and self-loathing to make Travis Bickle cringe: “When she touches me / It’s like a rodent sifting through garbage / But it’s better than just rotting away.” Additionally, this is PxDx’s first record with clear production. It’s also the first one where the songs don’t all sound alike. There’s, like, actual arrangement to them (with minimal rule-breaking) and neat riffing throughout. It’s almost as if actual compositions make for an engaging listen. What a concept.
