20. Xenia Onatopp
She gets off on seducing people and then crushing them to death with her thighs. We’re not sure exactly how Elon likes to kill his sexual partners, but it’s gotta be way less cool than that.
19. Fiona Volpe
Who would you rather have a drink with, a world-class femme fatale or a guy who runs a car company like a sweatshop?
18. Donald “Red” Grant
The OG big blonde baddie of the Bond franchise, and many would argue the best. Anyone who is anybody’s favorite anything is clearly a more likable person than Elon Musk.
17. Lyutsifer Safin
This guy took out the entire SPECTRE organization. Musk is afraid to slap-box Mark Zuckerberg.
16. Alec Trevelyan
He may be an MI6 turncoat, but Alec was a good man once. Elon Musk has always been Elon Musk.
15. Bambi and Thumper
They kidnap Jimmy Dean, but he doesn’t seem to mind being held by bikini karate women all that much. Bambi and Thumper know how to have a good time.
14. Auric Goldfinger
He’s the villain who delivered the famous line “No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” It’s clean, concise, and to the point. When Musk has enemies strapped to his kill-laser table his banter is clumsy, contrived, and meandering.
13. Karl Stromberg
Both men had really weird plans involving submarines, but Stromberg’s would have worked.
12. Mr. White
Being the head of Quantum and a high-ranking member of SPECTRE is pretty evil, but there are moral lines Mr. White won’t cross and he produced a child who has some fond memories of him. Neither will ever be said of Elon Musk.
11. Brad Whitaker
An arms dealer so obsessed with military history that he re-enacts battles by himself doesn’t sound that much cooler than Elon Musk on paper, but look at his miniatures. Look at the practical explosions he uses in his wargames, the simpleton with a train set joy on his face when he plays them. That capacity for joy is so far removed from anything Musk is capable of he almost cracks the top 10.
10. Max Zorin
On the surface Zorin is a lot like Musk. He’s a ruthless sociopath, he’s a Silicon Valley guy, his lineage as the byproduct of a Nazi breeding program is deplorable. Two major differences however ranks him considerably more likable than Musk: He’s down with mixed-race relationships and he was almost played by David Bowie.
9. Kananga
Sure he’s a dictator and a drug smuggler, but voodoo and tarot cards are a major part of his organization, miles more fun than Elon Musk.
8. May Day
Plenty of female villains wind up banging James Bond, but May Day is the only one who tops him, a move Elon would cringely call #girlboss.
7. Oddjob
He can throw his hat in such a way that it kills a man. Musk could never do that, and you know he’s tried.
6. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd
Yes, they are murderers. Yes, they can be conniving and sadistic. But look at these two, how do you not ship them? The love Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd share is something Elon will never have with anyone.
5. Nick Nack
Nick Nack works for Scaramanga, with whom he shares a good-natured game of cat-and-mouse in which Nick Nack inherits his boss’s empire if he can find an assassin skilled enough to murder him. If Nick Nack worked for Elon Musk, he would be fired and publicly ridiculed for his dwarfism.
4. Dr. Julius No
He’s as smart as Musk thinks he is. The guy basically got Neuralink to work in the form of his super strong metal hands, and there’s no evidence of monkeys being slaughtered to make it happen.
3. Ernst Stavro Blofeld
There’s been many iterations of this Bond big-bad over the years, and they are all more likable than Elon. Donald Pleasence Blofeld, Telly Savalas Blofeld, that random Blofeld that gets dropped from a helicopter at the beginning of “For Your Eyes Only,” it doesn’t matter. Blofeld knows what he is—a caricature of evil. It’s a level of self-awareness Musk will never achieve.
2. Francisco Scaramanga
The man with the golden gun may be the world’s most dangerous assassin, but come on, this guy is fun. He’s got a cool gimmick, he lives on an island with Nick Nack, and he set up an entire funhouse just to have a zany place to kill Bond in. If Musk took over his operation, that funhouse would be deemed unnecessary overhead and demolished first thing.
1. Jaws
The villain so nice they used him twice, Jaws may technically be a lowly henchman, but his turn against Hugo Drax, the most Musk like villain on this list, seals the top spot for him. He believes in love, he’s willing to sacrifice himself to save the world, and he can open bottles with his teeth! None of those things can be said of Elon Musk.