Driving someone to the airport is as old as the miracle of flight itself, and you need to be a good judge of character before asking someone if they wouldn’t mind inconveniencing themselves for an entire afternoon for your personal commuting needs. That’s why we ranked 50 characters from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” by how much I’d want to be in their passenger seat on our way to Terminal B.
50. Dennis Reynolds
The Golden God’s road rage knows no bounds. He also claims to drive women to the airport all the time “because of the implication.” Can’t quite figure out what that means, and somehow the car ride over would be more stressful than the airport security line. That’s not the kind of untethered energy I want to kick off my semiannual vacation to Tulsa, Oklahoma.
49. Liam McPoyle
Liam wears a flesh-tone eye patch with a drawing of an eyeball on it so no one notices. While it’s effective in more ways than one, he keeps complaining about his depth perception. I generally want someone who can see all three dimensions on my ride to the airport. Two dimensions at minimum.
Duncan runs around with a wild crowd who all hang out under some bridge and listen to underground Hawaiian trip hop while hosting a luau. While I won’t judge anyone on who they hang out with, I will come down hard on the location. Untrustworthy.
47. Gail the Snail
Gail the Snail wouldn’t be able to get off from her shift at the Wawa to drive me. Good thing too. I don’t want to be packing extra salt on the ride just in case. You never know.
46. Dee Reynolds
The gang destroyed Dee’s last four or five vehicles, so she’s between cars right now. That pretty much disqualifies her.
45. Random Guy (Fake Bruce Mathis)
The gang destroyed this guy’s vehicle too (see Dee Reynolds).
44. Brad Fisher
Brad is a little too into revenge. That sort of personality quirk doesn’t translate well into favors. However, if I needed to enact vengeance on someone for refusing to drive me by sending them, say, a box full of hornets, I know exactly who to call first.
I have never seen this man blink. While that’s probably a good thing when you’re driving because it allows you to see the entire road ahead of you and give it an ocular pat down, it just makes for an uneasy car ride.
42. Ingrid Nelson
Ingrid has her own clothing line. That means she’s going to talk about entrepreneurship the whole time, and I’m just not up on buzzwords like “ROI.” I need someone less ambitious for this task.
41. Chase Utley
As a Mets fan, I simply cannot get behind this one out of principle.
Hwang would only drive me to the airport if I paid him handsomely because he’s a landlord and those types of people have a documented history of exploiting basic needs for their financial gain. Not cool.
39. Maureen Ponderosa
Cats can’t drive. At least that’s the excuse she is going to use. I really can’t argue with that thought process.
38. Ryan McPoyle
Ryan would somehow be drinking milk in the car the entire way. Not from a carton. Not from a hydro flask. A glass from his kitchen. What disturbs me most is that he rests it in the center console’s cup holder as if it’s not going to spill everywhere.
37. Uncle Jack
Uncle Jack would try to pass off comically large fake hands as his own, one of which would be one of those giant foam fingers from a sporting event. It’d be hard to watch, especially since I have the same exact anxiety, and his fake hands are larger than my fake hands.
36. Rude Man Who Shushes
Anyone who believes shushing is an acceptable form of communication in a functioning society shouldn’t be allowed to be in public. We all know that it’s much healthier to keep your interpersonal grievances to yourself and only address them when you’re no less than eight beers deep.
35. Rickety Cricket
While Cricket has a lot of stories about his days living in a crawl space and he “brought enough PCP for all of us,” there’s just something about him that I don’t trust behind the wheel. Can’t put my finger on it.
34. Jackie Denardo
Jackie is part of the mainstream media, so it’d be like getting a ride from Wolf Blitzer. I don’t know if that’d be a good thing or a bad thing, but I don’t want to be the one who finds out.
33. Pappy McPoyle
This man would bring various small woodland creatures along with him on the ride. While I’m normally fine with that, he wouldn’t address it in the slightest. Are they even his? Am I the only one seeing them? Does he think I’m taking them with me on my flight? I don’t think they’ll let me have a dozen emotional support animals with me.
32. Mr. Kim
I don’t trust anyone who owns an establishment that would have a door marked “pirate” on it. Just can’t get passed that.
31. The Waiter
Sometimes you just want to prank the person who agreed to drive you to the airport by tying their shoelaces together when they aren’t looking. Only the waiter would find that “reckless” because he “has to focus on the road.” Man, can’t anyone take a joke that puts our lives in immediate danger anymore?
30. Principal MacIntyre
I’d likely be coming in too hot for this guy. He was hoping for a more relaxed ride while I’m more like a “have an unsheathed sword in the passenger seat in case we need to defend ourselves from other vehicles” kind of guy. Our energies probably wouldn’t mix well.