20. Bonnie Kelly
Bonnie has her little “car routines.” For instance, she has to turn the headlights on and off three times before we accelerate. Halfway through, I’d realize her breath smells like vodka, but I think we’d be more likely to get into an accident because of the superstitions she has to do “or else we’ll die.”
19. Schmitty
I have a lot of rules and traditions on the road that this man will simply not adhere to. For one, he would refuse to wear the matching shirts I got us for the trip, even though it was clearly part of the experience. He might even get on my nerves so much that I try to push him out of the moving car. I don’t even care that he’s the one driving.
18. Country Mac
Country Mac would only be able to take me on his motorcycle. I won’t be able to turn that offer down out of fear of looking like a wimp in front of him. The main downside is that there wouldn’t be anywhere to store my bags on the ride. He’d tell me not to worry about it. I do not know what that means in this scenario.
17. The Lawyer
I think the Lawyer would be fine to drive me, but at some point I’d want to play a quick game of Nightcrawlers and he seems like the kind of person who has no idea what that means even though it’s pretty evident by the name of the game.
16. Artemis
Artemis would have no problem driving me as long as, according to her, she can be in character the whole time. While I generally try to avoid commingling with theater kids, I don’t want to spend $400 to Uber to the airport.
15. Bill Ponderosa
Bill is an absolute lunatic, but he’d probably be able to get me to the airport faster than most people on this list. Mainly because he did a few bumps of coke before we left. I’m not here to criticize a man’s process. All I care about is getting to the airport at least 20 minutes before my flight leaves.
14. The Waitress
The Waitress would agree to drive me to the airport but she’d make me meet at her place first. Only I do not remember where she lives even though I’ve been there dozens of times. Very forgettable address.
13. Pepper Jack
Pepper Jack loves “Fraggle Rock.” A little too much in my opinion. He’d also refer to himself in the third person the whole car ride. I will find it mildly distracting but it’s not a deal-breaker.
12. Bruce Mathis
This man donates large sums of his money to charity and regularly volunteers for fun. I don’t do either of those things. This means we aren’t going to have anything to talk about on this car ride. But at least he’d be the only one on time to pick me up.
11. Old Man
If Carl is open to sleeping at the foot of a bed with three adults in a California King then driving me should feel like nothing.
10. Barbara Reynolds
Barbara would agree to drive me. However, to her that means hiring someone else to do it. This is not a deterrent in the slightest.
9. Z
Z is very passionate about oddly specific subjects. Whether it’s denim shorts or attaining level three, I’m going to have no clue what the fuck this guy is ever talking about. But hey, I’ll listen to anyone’s stories if it means a free ride to the airport.
8. Roxy
Roxy would be a ton of fun on the ride, despite being fueled entirely by crack. But who cares when she just gave the middle finger to several cars as she passed them on the highway and told the police officer who gave her a speeding ticket to “suck it” several times? Nothing but green flags.
7. Wade Boggs
This man always has a case of beer in his car at all times. Somehow they’re always cold. Thankfully there are no rules about drinking while driving in the passenger seat. He’d even tell me about the time he drank 60 beers on the drive over to an away game in Minnesota and then went 3-for-5. This man is a legend.
6. Ben the Soldier
Ben would probably stay in the car after he dropped me off and wait there until I returned from my trip. I didn’t ask him to do this, but he’s “just thinking ahead.” I don’t know how to tell him that I already asked someone else to pick me up from the airport. Nice guy though.
5. Mac
Mac would insist on making a playlist for the drive because it would have to be completely badass. To him, that means wall-to-wall Creed. No complaints.
4. Carmen
Carmen has a kid. That means she’s very responsible, which is literally all I ask for in a driver. Surprisingly, this is not a quality that most on this list possess.
3. Geoffrey Owens (Fake Tiger Woods and Fake Donovan McNabb)
The “guy from ‘The Cosby Show’” would happily drive me to the airport since he’s headed in that direction anyway because he just booked a gig to play Don Cheadle at a golfing event. Got to admire the work ethic.
2. Margaret McPoyle
Margaret doesn’t speak, so it’d be like getting a ride from one of those Uber drivers who understand I do not want to hold a conversation with a stranger under any circumstances. Five stars.
1. Charlie Kelly
Charlie doesn’t drive, but he insists on taking me to the airport one way or another. He knows a secret shortcut through the sewer. And while I’ll somehow get to the airport quicker than if we just drove, my carry-on luggage is going to reek of raw sewage. But I guess that’s preferable to smelling the feet of the guy who took his shoes off on the flight. No one will even notice the foul stench of my baggage.