29. Lil’ Kevin
Lil’ Kev is going to show me his SoundCloud raps the whole time. While they’re quite impressive and I’ll be left wanting more, I don’t generally support musicians unless they have at least one million monthly Spotify listeners. More of a me thing.
28. Frank Reynolds
The Warthog would drive me under the condition that I eat a shit sandwich. While at first I’m going to laugh it off and think he was kidding, I’m going to get worried when I enter his car and see a brown paper bag marked “SS.” I just hope it means literally anything else than what I think it does.
27. Da Maniac
Da Maniac is going to convince me to sign up for something called Ivigaran the whole time. It’s going to work too because he’s just an extremely persuasive salesperson that I simply cannot say no to. Also, I’m slightly scared of what would happen if I declined the offer.
26. Philadelphia Crime Family
I’d be fine with any one of them driving me, but I don’t understand why they’d all have to come together and relegate me to the middle backseat. I would later find that this was part of their initiation. To what? It’s not completely clear.
25. Shelley Kelly
This man will have cheese on him for the car ride and even let me sample the assortment of jellies he stores in his glove compartment. But unfortunately, he drives on the other side of the road because he’s Irish. I don’t know if that’s going to fly in Pennsylvania.
24. Wally Schmidt
Wally would be eager to help out, but on the way he would comment on the weather no less than 15 times. He can’t take a hint that I don’t do small talk because I’m someone who only talks about high-minded topics, like the meaning of life and sports. But I do agree that it sure is a hot one today.
23. Gladys
Con: Gladys never really seems to know exactly what’s happening.
Pro: Gladys would have some cool stories about how she once had a threesome with Herbert Hoover. Pretty much an even trade-off.
22. Rex
Rex would get lost several times along the way despite using GPS navigation that’s pretty much a straight shot to our destination. At least he has a lot of useful tips for maintaining a low body fat percentage.
21. Mrs. Mac
Mac’s mom would be the only person I’ve ever seen in my life to use the car’s cigarette lighter. I didn’t even know vehicles still had those. Turns out, she had one custom installed. I’m more impressed than irritated by the secondhand smoke.