SEATTLE — Starbucks officials announced that the chain will now sell straight-up garbage for customers to throw in the fucking roads of their neighborhoods in order to solidify their position as a major source of litter across all cities and suburbs.
“Reducing disposable cup waste isn’t profitable, so we’ve decided to embrace our strength at creating trash with the Iced Emptiness Latte,” explained Starbucks spokesperson Erin Brooks. “This piece of shit is available in sizes Tall to Trenti for just $5-$9 dollars. Unlike typical empty cup garbage, it’s not coated in a sticky layer of old whipped cream. This makes it more pleasurable to hurl at the ground, where it will leach toxins into the environment and remain intact for hundreds of years. It’s also a great option for customers who are looking to cut down on sugar while still littering.”
Longtime Starbucks customer Ken Rossi expressed excitement at the new offering.
“I’m very busy and important at work, so it’s great that this new product will save me the hassle of actually drinking a beverage. I can now get right to my favorite part: Desecrating my local park with the empty cup,” explained Rossi between tirades on how the homeless were ruining his city. “I love single-use cups because sitting down and actually enjoying coffee is a mark of weakness. Who does that, goddamned philosophers? Where’s the hustle? Rather than sitting and enjoying one of life’s simple pleasures, I need convenient options so I can go through the motions of existence while creating value for shareholders.”
Food market researcher Melissa Dion weighed in on the historical and cultural trends that keep customers demanding more and more garbage.
“The growth of private automobile ownership made fast food and to-go coffee common in the 1950s. Then sometime in the ‘80s, McDonald’s started giving away 10 extra styrofoam containers with every order just for the hell of it,” said Dion while throwing leftover food wrappers into the woods. “Having a car full of trash to throw in the road became a symbol of living a fast-paced lifestyle, and businesses keep finding innovative ways to sell waste while taking absolutely no responsibility for the hazards they create. Besides the economic benefits, perhaps we love garbage because destroying the environment is the only true way to leave a lasting mark on earth during our useless lives.”
Starbucks also announced that coastal locations will sell fish-themed plastic cups for customers to toss directly into the ocean.