Press "Enter" to skip to content

Shrewd Opening Band Selling Headliner’s Merch at Steep Discount

GIBBON, Neb. — Perennial local opening act Algae Pile is raking in cash after making the decision to sell the headliners’ merch at their table at a substantially reduced price, bargain-hunting fans confirmed.

“Look, it all comes down to simple supply and demand. We keenly noticed that the touring headliners were selling a lot more product to their huge fanbase than we were with our burned CD-Rs and homemade stickers. So, naturally, every time a big band comes through Gibbon, we buy an assload of their shirts and vinyl wholesale, and offer it at our table at a considerable markdown, and have been turning profit ever since” said Algae Pile guitarist Hayze Olivera. “There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy competition between businesses. They’re welcome to sell any Algae Pile shirts we sloppily screen-printed over dollar Salvation Army shirts in our garage at whatever price point they want. We’d actually love to see that.”

This strategy, however, did not go over particularly well with the merchandise professionals of said headliner.

“Like, what the actual fucking fuck, dude,” said Link Nespers, merch guy for Viagra Boys, who recently came through Gibbon. “Like, that can’t be legal. They just fucking opened up shop right across the venue to our table and were undercutting us at every turn. Selling freshly sealed copies of ‘Cave World’ for $6.50?! We can’t keep up with those bargains! Thank god they aren’t doing the rest of the tour with us, we’d definitely go bankrupt within the month, and have to sell the merch table space to a Citibank or luxury condos or something. Christ.”

Superstar business tycoon Barrison W. Hemmingpurse has taken notice of the burgeoning band’s seemingly innate acuity in the market.

“I could certainly stand to learn a lot from these scrappy, young future business leaders of America. I tell ya,I got me half a mind to make the switch from boring ol’ oil and gold trading to starting my own hardcore band with some of the other capitalist giants” said Hemmingpurse, while perusing a Guitar Center he eventually bought out. “Reckon I could set up shop in a small town, wait for Bad Religion to make their way through, and hit ‘em right where it hurts: the merch table. That’s where the real money is. Remind me to see if Rupert Murdoch still has that drum kit he used to dick around on.”

In a recent development, Algae Pile reportedly began selling cheaper beer than the venue, as well as cheaper tickets to the show the attendants are already at, somehow.