RIPLEY, England — Fans of controversial musician and vocalist Eric Clapton were openly concerned for the songwriter after releasing his new song ‘Tears In Heaven 2” earlier today, confirmed multiple sources who hope he installed a durable screen.
“There’s no God, but if there is, he hates me for something I’ve done,” Clapton explained, punching a pillow as he spoke. “That’s the only explanation. The first ‘Tears in Heaven’ was about a terrible tragedy, but this might be even worse. I know you’re thinking ‘Eric, what’s worse than a 4-year-old falling out the sodding window of an apartment on the 53rd floor?’ Well, you are going to have to listen to the song, this time I’m in too much pain to speak in metaphors, the lyrics are a strict play-by-play of the absolute bloodbath that inspired me to write it.”
Isaac Piggs, one of the producers of the new song said Clapton took multiple breaks during the recording process to go scream at the heavens.
“I’ve worked with Eric before and he’s always a bit unpleasant, all musicians his age are, but this time around I was working with a broken man. While we were tracking guitars he set up photos of what seemed like a crime scene and every time he would look at them he would puke,” said Piggs. “Then he would go outside and cry for 45 minutes before coming back in and trying again. It took seven weeks to record one song, and honestly, the whole thing sucks pretty bad. The first ‘Tears in Heaven’ is sad, but at least it’s a good song, this time around it’s just unpleasant.”
Notable music critics think that the topic of the song is a bad sign for Slowhand’s creative future.
“I just think it’s lazy,” claimed YouTube personality Kiper Durke. “You hate to see an artist as influential and talented as Mr. Clapton dwelling on his past success. It feels like a reunion tour none of us asked for, and it bodes poorly for his plans for the rest of his career. It’s like if the Red Hot Chili Peppers only sang about LA, and not Southern California in general. It’s lazy and tedious, and it’s not what his son would have wanted. I’ve never been more disappointed in a release since ‘The Last Last Waltz.’”
At press time, Clapton announced he started working on ‘Tears in Heaven 3’ which he says will be about “The biggest tragedy of all; vaccine mandates.”