President Biden Promises If Re-Elected America Will Have First Female President Within Three Months

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

WASHINGTON — President Biden congratulated Mexico’s first female president Claudia Sheinbaum on her win and promised Americans that this country’s glass ceiling will also be shattered within three months of his second term if he is re-elected.

“I love to see more female leadership around the world, it makes those big summits so much more enjoyable when I have a little eye candy,” said President Biden while struggling to blink. “But listen Jack, I know people want me to live forever. I see a lot of the kids out there on college campuses talk about how great I look for an 81-year-old. Unfortunately we have to face the facts, I’m one bathtub slip and fall away from cracking my body in half. Let’s get through this next election, and then yeah, America can have it’s first female president. Maybe it comes with a bit of an asterisk, but it’s still progress.”

Vice-President Kamala Harris remains excited about the prospect of becoming the leader of the free world.

“This transition wasn’t supposed to take this long. I took this job expecting Joe to croak within the first three months. Have you ever touched the guy? His bones feel like they are made out of pool noodles,” said Vice President Harris. “I don’t know what sort of special pills he has access to that keep his heart pumping, but I can’t wait to get my hands on some. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not rooting for Joe to die, but also it just looks like he’s in pain all the time. He reminds me a lot of a cat I had after college, it lived to be 25, it was deaf, blind, and needed help going to the bathroom. That’s Joe in a nutshell.”

Right-wing pundits were quick to talk about their hesitancy about having a female president.

“I love my mom, I love my daughter, heck I even love my wife sometimes, but none of them have what it takes to be president. The job requires a cool demeanor, someone who isn’t bothered easily, a lot like former President Trump, who is the definition of cool under pressure,” said Garret Lotta, host of  “These Colors Don’t Run” on YouTube. “We need to be careful about how many women we elect. They tend to get emotional, especially when you point out how emotional they get.”

At press time, a FOIA request of Vice President Harris’ internet searches showed she asked “How long do you have to pretend to be sad after your boss’ funeral?” hundreds of times in the past three months.

Tragedy Strikes After Malfunctioning Wind Turbine Spills Wind All Over Farmer’s Field

Posted on by Stephen Bell

CLAY CENTER, Kan. — An environmental catastrophe devastated a local farmer’s field after a malfunctioning wind turbine caused a dangerous amount of wind to spill everywhere, according to several sources.

“I knew the environmentalists were lying to me when they told me that gosh darn turbine was safe,” said farmer and spill victim Ken Hughes. “But one day I look out and I see that big ole fan they built spinning faster than ever. Next thing I know several stalks of corn are leaning more than they should be and my truck’s all dusty and in need of a wash. Heck, I stepped outside to try to control the damage and my hat nearly flew off my head. But no please go on about how safe these cancer mills really are.”

Fossil fuel lobbyist Carl Paxton said this is exactly the type of thing he had been trying to warn people about for years.

“Wind is dangerous and has too many negative side effects unlike safe, dependable oil,” claimed Paxton. “For example, wind messes up your hair while oil can help slick it down. Wind makes you all cold and chilly while burning oil helps warm you up. And what’s to say we won’t run out of wind? I can’t see the wind so it’s so hard to find new sources of wind. Meanwhile we know where to find more oil making it replenishable. It’s clear to me that oil is the better option. And when is the last time you went to go on a nice family picnic but had to pack up early because it was too oily outside? Exactly.”

WindCorp, the company that owns the wind turbine in question, was hesitant to take responsibility for the wind spill.

“It’s not our responsibility to clean up any wind spills that happen,” said WindCorp rep Alyson Gardner. “These are the risks we take when we decide to try and harness the energy of something so powerful as the wind. Mr. Hughes knew that when he agreed to allow us to put our turbine on his property. His request for $30 in order to replace his damaged corn is ridiculous and quite frankly we’re ready for a long drawn out court battle.”

At press time, other farmers were raising concerns about new solar panel installations sucking up all of the sun’s heat and causing another Ice Age.

Do You Drive a Hybrid Car for the Environment or Just Because You Like Silently Creeping Around Parking Lots?

Posted on by Jessica Lillian

Hybrid cars sure are nifty! Being able to run on gas or battery power is perfect for people who feel kind of bad about exhaust pollution, but not bad enough to ride a bike or take public transportation. And also for people who just want to slink around at low speeds in complete, creepy silence for some reason.

Which type of hybrid driver are you? Take our helpful quiz to find out!

1. What’s the first thing people typically comment on when they see your car?

A. Uh, nothing, really. They’ve seen a lot of Honda CR-V’s before. Maybe the rack for our mountain bikes? It’s solid.

B. “Wait — is your entire windshield painted solid black? That seems illegal and extremely dangerous.”

2. Where are you usually headed in your hybrid car?

A. Work, the gym, maybe Home Depot on a Saturday. You know, the usual.

B. I am nowhere. I am everywhere. I am your vehicular phantom.

3. Let’s just get right down to it. Have people ever said there’s something “weird” or “creepy” about your car and your driving?

A. Nope. If anyone ever comments, it’s usually about how cute our senior dog Rex is. He loves sticking his head out the window.

B. Look, my silent entries into private lots and driveways are important stealth missions and the interlopers who keep calling the cops just don’t get it.

4. How do you feel about the warning sounds that hybrid cars make to alert pedestrians when they’re in electric mode?

A. Seems like a good feature. I love both reducing my greenhouse gas emissions and not committing manslaughter in a crowded Target parking lot.

b. My hot wiring guy ripped that out on day one. And the headlights. I will be neither heard nor seen. By night, I am a wolf. My distant piercing howl as I speed far away will be the only sign of my visit.

5. What music do you like listening to when driving?

A. Rock, folk, metal, hip-hop — whatever I’m in the mood for. Maybe even a podcast about the urgency of climate change.

B. The horrified and oddly melodic gasps of everyone who couldn’t hear my car coming.

6. Ever gotten a ticket?

A. I’ve coasted down a hill a little too fast a few times. Good ol’ gravity!

B. They can fling all the tickets they want for “trespassing.” I will continue to circle every local condo complex every night. I lean out the window in my balaclava and flap my giant wing sleeves made of genuine crow feathers. My car’s engine remains silent as a cemetery. My power is untouchable.

7. Finally, how’s your car’s fuel economy?

A. I’m getting a sweet 45-50 mpg on most trips, sometimes even more.

B. Huh?

Results:

Mostly A’s: Congratulations, you are the proud owner of a hybrid car that you purchased or leased for morally sound and economically logical reasons! Your worst flaw is getting a little bit smug when gas prices are especially high.

Mostly B’s: You definitely own a hybrid car only for low-speed silent creeping. We’re not allowed to give legal advice, but maybe should toss out whatever device you took this quiz on. Also, we hate to even suggest it, but maybe you should just go full electric?

Black Cat at Adoption Event Still Holding Out Hope Danzig Will Show Up

Posted on by The Hard Times Staff

LOS ANGELES — Local shelter cat Midnight is holding out hope that legendary frontman Glenn Danzig will show up in the waning minutes of today’s adoption event to bring him back to a spooky forever home, skeptical sources confirmed.

“You think people would evolve past these old superstitions about black cats being bad luck and see that I’m house trained, love to cuddle, and get along great with other animals. But no, these families are plucking up orange cats like they are going extinct, even though everyone knows orange cats are nightmares,” said Midnight while longingly gazing at the entrance of the gymnasium where the adoption drive was taking place. “It’s fine though, I know who I want to take me home. He’s got long hair, he’s about 5’2” tall, and he knows a quality cat when he sees one. I’m sure Danzig is just running a bit late, he’s a busy guy, I bet that prick Jerry Only is talking his ear off about donating to Trump’s legal fund.”

Other animals up for adoption were not as optimistic about Midnight’s chances of getting adopted by the aging rocker.

“Look, it’s not that Midnight isn’t cute and charming. I’m sure Danzig would love him. But I heard the guy already has around 80 black cats at his mansion. There was this stray cat I used to run with that lived near Danzig and he said he was too afraid to go through the guy’s garbage because the place gave him the creeps,” said 18-month-old pitbull mix Ricky. “You gotta wonder what a guy like that is doing with so many cats. Hopefully they don’t have to listen to him rehearse those Elvis songs, I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy, which is of course, the UPS delivery guy. Take a hike in those dumb brown shorts, buddy.”

Eliza Gomez, the head of the local Humane Society, says she is in constant contact with Danzig about new animals at the shelter.

“Mr. Anzalone is a great friend to animals. He’s actually donated a good amount of money to renovate the cat room at our Pasadena branch. Because of his generosity, we were able to paint the room completely black and add a bunch of small coffins for the cats to sleep in,” said Gomez. “We also installed a bunch of fake bats hanging from the ceiling for the cats to play with, and he allows us to play early Misfits songs over the speakers whenever a family comes to meet the cats.”

At press time, Danzig announced another Original Misfits world tour so he could continue to afford to buy “the good cat litter.”

Long Island Tattooer Still Makes Good Living Covering Up Brand New Lyrics

Posted on by Vincent J Ives

LONG ISLAND, N.Y. — Greenport tattoo artist Hazel Derulo continues to make an excellent salary by simply covering up Brand New lyrics she originally tattooed in the mid-00s, sources rolling in dough report.

“It wasn’t like ‘BOOM!’, the news broke, and then suddenly I had a queue outside Monsters Ink,” said Derulo while responding to 107 Instagram DMs. “But over time word got out, and all the people I’d done lyrics for started coming back for cover-ups. I’ve been able to upgrade everything, from the website to the shop amenities. I even bought a damn laser for fading and partial removals. One guy had a full sleeve with the astronaut dude from ‘Deja Entendu.’ Last I heard he was considering amputation.”

Adam Lazarus, vocalist for local tribute band Faking Back Sunday, finds the shop’s new look out of step with the locale.

“It’s like a really specific gentrification. Monsters Ink used to be somewhere you’d roll the dice on a real gnarly infection, but Hazel factored that into her pricing and everyone was happy. Now, everything’s gleaming white, painstakingly sterilized, and people even wear masks! All ‘cos of that one creep,” said Lazarus. “In a way I was lucky, I’m on the pretend winning team. The guys in Brand Too were devastated. Jesse Fakey called me in tears, and he’s asking me ‘do I have to do that now? Do I have to do sex crimes?’ It was awful. Convincing him that his band just had to split in faux disgrace felt like a mercy kill”.

Long Island scene historian Hayim Walkenheir insisted that the area’s music community was as safe and thriving as ever.

“Strong Island, baby! Of course our tattoo parlors are upmarket! Things are as good as they’ve ever been. Everyone’s still losing their shit whenever Glassjaw drops some limited edition garbage, The Movielife bafflingly continues to exist, even Crime In Stereo is back,” said Walkenheir while obviously drinking vodka from a water bottle. “Future’s bright too, there’s probably more all-ages nights than there’s ever been. A few of the guys have even had me digitally archive some of them…oh. Oh God, no.”

As of press time, Derulo offered the following advice to her clients: “If you absolutely have to, then maybe get some lyrics a woman wrote.”

Six Songs We Listened to This Week That Go Great With 34 Felony Convictions

Posted on by Colleen Nerney

Well here we are again. It’s Sunday, the thought of having to go back to work tomorrow makes you want to put your head in the oven, and even your days off are filled with endless toil. But don’t fret, when life gets you down you can always turn to new music to distract you for a few minutes at a time. Here are six songs for you to dive into so you can forget about the outside world. (Listen to the full playlist of all our picks from this year here.)

Balance and Composure “cross to bear”

Wake up babe, Balance and Compsure has once again surprise dropped a single. “cross to bear” gives fans a look into B&C’s soft grunge/lowkey alt rock side, with contemplative lyrics and almost shoegazey production to boot. Perhaps if they tour in the next few years, their aging fans will be able to slow-motion mosh to this one. We would absolutely sign up for that, just ask our knees.

Speed “THE FIRST TEST”

Australian hardcore maniacs Speed are back at it with another blistering single that will bring out the stank face in even the most jaded of fans. “THE FIRST TEST” has everything; crazy breakdowns, high energy vocals, an inexplicable flute feature (your move Jethro Tull), and an old school record scratch sound effect. You’ll have these two minutes of explosive sound on repeat for the next several days, guaranteed.

Gastr Del Sol “The Bells of St. Mary’s”

If you are remotely plugged into the post-rock scene, you have absolutely heard of Gastr Del Sol. “We Have Dozens of Titles” is their archival release of bonus tracks, live recordings, and rarities from the ‘90s, including “The Bells of St. Mary’s,” a moody, piano-driven instrumental piece. Since you haven’t been doing too hot lately, we suggest queuing this up while staring bleakly out a train window on your way to divorce court.

Southtowne Lanes “Find Your God”

Self-proclaimed “emotive hardcore” gang Southtowne Lanes recently released their first full-length since 2016, titled “Take Care,” which is directly about the death of guitarist Matt Kupka’s father. “Find Your God” is an excellent microcosm of the Eugene, OR band as a whole, featuring catchy Midwest emo guitar hooks, driving percussion, and a mix of dreamy clean vocals and impressively gritty screams. And bonus points for a voicemail at the end, we love that shit and so should you.

Unleash the Archers “Buried in Code”

Listen, you can pretend that high fantasy is cringe, or you can accept the truth that sometimes you need an epic melodic metal anthem to swing the sword you have in your basement around to. That anthem is “Buried in Code” by Vancouver heroes Unleash the Archers. This track, off their new album Phantoma, has the unique quality of somehow sounding like a power metal song from the 80s while retaining a modern edge, likely due to frontwoman Brittney Slayes’ incredible, triumphant vocals. Call her next time you need motivation to get on the treadmill to train for your next LARPing meetup.

Fire-Toolz “Re: Official Request for Reciprocal Indwelling Procedure”

Fire-Toolz is kind of a litmus test for experimental hardcore fans—how far and weird are you willing to go in the name of obscurity? We’ll be upfront and say our staff “noise guy” submitted this one and that we kind of have no idea what’s happening and we are a little scared. But we don’t dislike this feeling either, and in fact we’re kind of mesmerized by this track. Is this how you operate at all times, Peter?

There you have it, six new songs, but there is so much more to discover out there. That’s why we compile all our picks into a strange and disorienting playlist that will make your coworkers file a complaint against you if you get the aux:

 

We Sit Down With Taylor Swift and Sheepishly Walked Back All The Comments We Made About Her in a Reddit Thread She Apparently Reads

Posted on by Malia Simon

This week we had the once-in-a-lifetime chance to sit down with Taylor Swift and had kind of an “oh fuck” moment when we realized she has apparently read through the entire hate thread on which we have been the top commenters for the past decade.

The Hard Times: What an honor to sit down with the queen of the music industry herself. We are long-time Swifties here at The Hard Times, but we know not everyone appreciates your artistry. How do you handle the haters?
Taylor Swift: Normally it’s not a big deal, but I admit that sometimes it does get to me. This one Reddit page in particular is out of control with the nasty comments.

HT: Oh yeah? We didn’t know you even read those. Just out of curiosity, which Reddit page? And we can’t imagine you’d have time to pay attention to the usernames of those commenters, do you?
TS: Oh, I see everything. It’s this page called R/FuckTaylorSwift, and it’s just a bunch of people calling me a boring, old, a bad songwriter. Stuff like that.

HT: That’s awful.
TS: Yeah. The other day, one user posted something like “Taylor Swift is for big-gummed normies who eat mayonnaise straight from the jar and kiss horses on the asshole.” Actually, it looks like that comment comes from a user called “The Hard Times News Official.”

HT: Huh, what are the chances? Must be another Hard Times News.
TS: And it looks like the profile picture of that page is actually a picture of you listening to my new album with fake blood caked onto your ears.

HT: Oh wow. You certainly don’t miss a thing. Your fans weren’t lying about that. Meaning us! We are your fans. Just to be clear, we meant that mayonnaise jar thing as a compliment.
TS: Look, it honestly doesn’t bother me much. It’s just a lot of misogyny and people afraid to enjoy pop music without being considered “normies.” A bunch of losers who sleep on their parents’ couch.

HT: Agree with the first part. But just for accuracy’s sake, we wouldn’t necessarily call those people losers. Punks, maybe. But losers? Not quite. Also, those people have been moved out of their parents’ house for 3 months now. Just to keep the record straight.
TS: Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

HT: So Taylor, we notice you have a lot of songs about this idea of “revenge.” Just out of curiosity, you don’t see yourself ever taking revenge on your haters or anything like that, right? We imagine you probably wouldn’t have the time for that.
TS: It’s not so much about one act of revenge as it is a slow, calculated process of wearing them down psychologically until they’re a shell of what they once were. This usually extends over the course of about three decades. It’s a very subtle art.

HT: Wow, that’s great.
TS: Yup.

HT: Okay, we’re sorry. Please. Have mercy.
TS: I’m not mad. In fact, all of this is going exactly according to plan.

We have to admit the rest of the interview got a little hazy as the walls began to close in on us and we felt ourselves spiraling into the early stages of a full-blown panic attack while Taylor Swift sat watching us with a triumphant smirk stretching across her face. We were even more shocked to learn from her producers that we had actually interviewed hologram Taylor Swift, while the real Taylor Swift was watching from a control room in a mansion three miles away. On the bright side, it looks almost indistinguishable from her except for a little glitch in the left arm that can easily be doctored up when we go to exploit the whole thing for Instagram clout.

Small Bird Horribly Embarrassed At How Fast He Nutted In Nature Documentary

Posted on by Charles Bill

AMAZON RAINFOREST, Brazil – A local topaz hummingbird was humiliated when he nutted super fast while filming a rare mating ritual for an upcoming installment of the “Planet Earth” series, chuckling sources confirmed.

“So there I was, putting on my moves, doing my thing,” explained the small bird who goes by Rafael. “I see this sexy lady bird, and I start dancing around, showing her how white my tail feathers are. I’m sort of a stud, so she’s on board. I hop on, three pumps, and I’m out. Species continued. I finished, she didn’t. Then I notice the camera. It’s not just a hunting camera, it’s zooming in and out. On me. I just starred in a bird porno and came faster than my wings beat every second. And now stoned college kids are going to be watching me fail to think about baseball in 4K for decades to come. Fucking BBC.”

Although the bird was ashamed of his performance, it did make for excellent nature content.

“Now we see the majestic crimson topaz, a hummingbird with exceptional plumage,” narrated David Attenborough over footage of the birds’ courtship ritual. “As we can see, the female is attracted, and offers herself to the male. The male then mounts her, and then he – wait he’s done? Seriously? Talk a bout a two-pump chump. In my day we could at least think of the Queen and that might keep us going for a few more seconds. Well not in the fifties. Anyway, the ritual is over, and the crimson topaz will now drink a beer and sleep.”

Despite the bird’s international public shaming, some scientific authorities have come to his support.

“Bird’s bust like nothing,” said Ornithology Chair at Gonzaga, Dr. Tyson Quill. “From the biggest ostrich, to the smallest sparrow, birds have no stroke game whatsoever. I’ll send my lab aides to collect stool samples and they’ll come back with a bonus jar full of bird cum. Like just being touched makes these incels explode. Birds are so horny, and their wings are terrible for jerking off. The second they make contact with wit that wet cloaca, it’s over for them.”

At press time, Rafael’s mate was dishing to her bird girlfriends about how much better her old hummingbird was.

Finally! My Teen Angst Has Given Way to Adult Malaise

Posted on by Ben Friedman

I’ve often been called a late bloomer. While I’ve always resented that label, everyone who called me that had a fair point: I refuse to sign up for direct deposit, roughly 60% of my exes told me that watching me skateboard in the 7/11 parking lot and considering that a date night was the main reason for breaking up with me, and the undying angst I’ve felt against this unfair world has been my default mood since I was 12-years-old.

But all of that changed a few days ago when I was in line to buy stamps at the post office and mail my water bill. In that moment the unbridled rage towards any and all authority dissipated and was replaced by a warm blanket of adulthood malaise.

Talk about growth! Seriously, it’s such a load off my shoulders to not wake up every day and curse my parents for bringing me into this world just to experience the collapse of Western civilization. For example, today I spent 20 minutes comparing laundry detergents while feeling like I should’ve followed my passion for abstract art.

I partially blame the delay on my genetic predisposition to being angry at the world due to still losing baby teeth up until my first year of college. Or perhaps it’s the fact that I haven’t had kids, which I’ve heard kills teen angst real quick. After all, there aren’t many opportunities to listen to My Chemical Romance anymore when Cocomelon takes over your Spotify algorithm.

It’s a weird sensation to look in the mirror and wonder if this is the same person who once stole twelve CDs from FYE and pushed the security guard into the fountain, especially once I realized all of those bands are now going on 20th-anniversary tours of those very albums. And yes, I’m going to pay $70 plus fees for balcony seats. My poor knees!

It’s much different from a midlife crisis, because this is permanent. From here on out it’s nothing but circling back on Zoom until I retire (or die at my desk), buying a pill organizer or two, and not recognizing 85% of today’s music. All while the existential threat of World War 3 hangs over us like a proverbial Sword of Damocles, no less! If all that doesn’t elicit a sense of never-ending dread, then I really need to grow up.

Well, better late than never. At least hating cops is an all-ages affair.

Trump Disappears Attempting to Surf Giant Wave After Fleeing to Bells Beach, Australia

Posted on by Trevor Graham

BELLS BEACH, Victoria — Former President Donald Trump was seen evading authorities by attempting to surf a giant wave off the southern coast of Australia following his 34 convictions in the New York fraud trial, sources who only live to get radical confirmed.

“I just want to catch one last wave, one tremendous wave, the biggest wave anyone has seen in fifty years. It’s the fifty-year storm, folks. And speaking of fifty-year storms, have you seen Stormy Daniels lately? She doesn’t look anything like my beautiful daughter Ivanka anymore, so sad, very sad,” said Trump as he paddled out into the swell. “I’m not going to paddle my way to New Zealand, or whatever country is out there. They probably have a secure border anyway unlike our once great country. Well, as the bad hombres who invade our country every day would say ‘Vaya con Dios.’”

Some of those close to Trump were confused by the now-felon former president’s decision to ride the giant wave as a way to escape consequences.

“I don’t understand why he would do this. I mean, he did always say that ‘If you want the ultimate, you gotta be willing to pay the ultimate price’ but I thought he meant the classified documents he had sold to foreign nationals… allegedly,” said a bewildered Rudy Giuliani. “I thought we were going to go to Mexico with Matt Gaetz and Jim Jordan where the four of us were going to rob banks while wearing Trump masks. He said we were going to call ourselves ‘The ex (but still your hopefully favorite), and definitely future, presidents.’”

Federal agent, and former Ohio State Buckeyes quarterback, Johnny Utah who has been assigned to the ongoing classified documents case is also baffled by Trump’s decision to make such a dramatic exit.

“First of all, Mr. Trump was not even taken into custody and in all likelihood will never even see the inside of a prison cell. I mean it’s not like he’s poor or a person of color convicted of a petty crime so he doesn’t have to worry about going to jail,” said Agent Utah. “I’ve been with the bureau nearly 30 years now, when I started in the FBI I was young, dumb, full of cum. But the fact of the matter is this job can be pretty boring sometimes, so helping on this case actually got me excited again. It turns out that being an FBI agent is not ‘One hundred percent pure adrenaline.’”

At press time, Giuliani reportedly claims to have found Trump on a beach in Zihuatanejo, Mexico fixing up an old boat.