Seems like everywhere you look these days there’s a new song waiting to be heard. No, we’re not being poetic here. We’re not using the word ‘song’ as a loose metaphor for new opportunities or leases on life or some shit. There are literally new songs everywhere. Finding the good ones can feel like a hopeless endeavor. A fleeting yet visceral reminder of all the things you’ll never experience in your short and largely banal life. We don’t want to overwhelm you, but the new music world is worth the dive. Because we know you panic and knock over several displays in your local drug store whenever some fresh track you’ve never heard comes over the speakers, we’ve braved the endless depths of the internet – or at least the slightly less endless supply of punk and indie adjacent music – to bring you some of the best things you’ve been too afraid to listen to.
OSEES “Chaos Heart”
We don’t want to alarm you, but: Aliens are real, the planet is dying, political infrastructures are crumbling, and OSEES have released their twenty-seventh (Jesus fuck) LP. ‘Intercepted Message’ may as well serve as the official soundtrack to the impending apocalypse. If Devo and the Cars were locked in a studio and force-fed LSD until they delivered the most fucked up album of their careers, chances are they might come up with something close to this record. Album highlight “Chaos Heart” carries on the band’s unique blend of garage rock and psych while infusing it with melting analog synths and sing-along hooks. It’s as catchy as it is disorienting and is sure to have us dancing our asses off as everything burns down around us.
Clowns “THANKS 4 NOTHING”
Melbourne, Australia’s Clowns are currently prepping their fifth album, entitled ‘Endless,’ for a late October release. Their latest single ‘THANKS 4 NOTHING’ showcases the band at the height of their powers. A massive wall of guitar and drums perfectly launches bassist Hanny J’s excellent vocal performance into the stratosphere. The single showcases a fresh sound for the beloved quintet Clowns, a theme promised to continue on the new record. This doesn’t suggest a major departure, so if you’re a fan of the band and hate change, rest assured that your aversion to evolutionary sound won’t be challenged too much. The band’s incredible blend of hardcore, pop-punk, and indie is as strong as ever, and the brighter punctuations added to their signature voice only serve to enhance what we already love about them.
Green Day “She” – 4 Track Demo
Green Day’s polarizing major label debut ‘Dookie’ is unfathomably celebrating its 30th anniversary this year. To mark the occasion, the band is releasing a massive box set filled with B-sides, live performances, and other rarities of the era. To tide us over until the release late next month, a collection of 4-track demos from the album has hit streaming services. Those who still think of the band as sellouts should be dazzled to hear what some of these classic songs would have sounded like had they been released on Lookout! Records. Turns out it doesn’t sound much different, so maybe we can all finally shut up about them being soulless major label cogs.
Heatmiser “Lowlife (‘92 Cassette)”
As if the Green Day box set wasn’t enough to have you losing sleep for months, Third Man Records announced a sprawling double LP featuring 29 rare tracks from Elliott Smith’s lesser-known band, Heatmiser. Perhaps the most exciting feature of the upcoming compilation is the inclusion of the group’s long out-of-print debut demo cassette, which was cut in 1992 and handed out primarily at the band’s early shows. If Elliott Smith’s solo work doesn’t make you feel shitty enough as a songwriter, the newly released demo version of ‘Lowlife’ will certainly drive the nail deeper.
Shamir “Obsession”
While you’ve been working hard on your latest creative project that has taken you years to not even halfway finish, Philadelphia’s prolific DIY indie-pop stunner Shamir has just released their ninth LP, which is also their first since signing to the legendary label Kill Rock Stars. ‘Homo Anxietatem’ brings a heightened sheen to their already excellent and dense catalog. Album highlight and final lead single, ‘Obsession,’ is a haunting post-rock anthem filled to the brim with driving riffs, chaotic-yet-pristine backing vocals, and meditative lyrics revolving around the subject of fame and adoration. Themes you likely won’t have direct experience with if you don’t get off your ass and finish your EP. It’s been, like, four years, your snare sounds fine man.
As we do during most weeks, we took our staff to task by asking what classic songs they’ve been hiding from us. This time, their answers were so esoteric we felt as though we were actually listening to new music. Here are a few of the tracks that we’re pretty sure they only said they were listening to because they were afraid to admit they’ve been playing the Barbie soundtrack on an endless loop.
Tankard “Zombie Attack”
Recently, we ranked the 50 Best Thrash Metal songs of the ’80s. Unfortunately, the person we forced to write the article has been physically incapable of listening to anything other than Tankard since. He keeps asking us to add this one to the list, but it’s just too late. We can’t bear the damage that would do to our esteemed reputation, as we’ve already stated the list is definitive and inarguable. Any revision would make us look like liars. Plus, if we let him revise the list, he’d probably eventually just want to add every Tankard song to it. As great as they are, we just can’t let that happen. Still, we feel bad for relaunching his denim vest phase, so we’ll include the song here to shut him up.
Empire! Empire! (I Was A Lonely Estate) “It’s So Much Darker When a Light Goes Out than It Would Have Been If It Had Never Shone”
If you’ve been looking for proof that Midwestern Emo bands exist outside of American Football, then look no further. This classic has it all. Obnoxiously long band name AND song title? Check. Vocals that sound like an even more depressed John K. Sampson? Double check. Lyrics that have made the writer who suggested this one sob openly in the office on multiple occasions this week? Sadly… also check. This song spends almost five minutes detailing the phenomenon of elderly people passing shortly after their partners via a deeply personal story about the lead singer’s grandparents. If that doesn’t put a spring in your step, surely nothing will.
Electric Six “Getting Into the Jam”
We’ll be honest, we weren’t aware Electric Six had songs other than ‘Gay Bar’ or ‘Danger! High Voltage,’ but according to one of our editors, they actually have several albums. In fact, their debut record, ‘Fire,’ just celebrated its twentieth anniversary. Learn something new everyday! Turns out their other songs are just as horny and depraved as their more well-known numbers, especially ‘Getting Into the Jam.’ Needless to say, things have been pretty awkward around the office since this one got added to the playlist.
Pop on the continually growing playlist to see what we’ve been listening to:
You probably never knew that this LP existed, but your life will never be the same after listening front-to-back to this Festivus-themed entry of eleven original holiday tunes known as “December’s Here.” It’s a solid group of new sing-a-longs, and will likely induce smiles from even the bitterest of bitter bitters. And it’s still better than listening to the “Charlie Brown Christmas” album for the 400th time. Mix it up a little, your Christmas soundtrack is so boring.
We have a feeling that this one is going to be the first entry that causes an influx of truck stop blues for your lack of hearts. Don’t listen to your friends if they disapprove, as this album is a disjointed and overall inconsistent follow-up to another album that we also ranked incorrectly much later on. Still, its first three tracks are solid form and classic NFG that could’ve been a perfect three-song EP called “Right Don’t Listen” that would’ve infected your ears almost as much as The Get-Up Kids’ “Woodson” EP.
Despite its album title being unquestionably the band’s worst, the actual record itself is the band’s most superior non-acoustic LP this decade. However, it just has just too many songs, and sometimes more is less. Still, it’s really, really rad that the incredible Steve Evetts produced “Forever + Ever x Infinity. For those of you not in the know, Mr. Evetts was the sugar-coated vandal behind the boards for two slick, smooth, and incredible LPs from last century: Saves the Day’s “Through Being Cool” and The Dillinger Escape Plan’s “Calculating Infinity.” Two albums that sound nearly identical.
On a serious note, Chad Gilbert went through a rough patch in 2021 with a scary cancer diagnosis, but thankfully he lived to tell its tale. 2023’s “Make The Most Of It” is an acoustic album that at points hearkens to the aforementioned precursor to “Not Without A Fight,” and it rocks just about as hard as acoustic guitars can. Like entry number twelve, you’re likely hearing about this one for the first time because of this article (we know how easy it is to stop listening to new music once you turn 30), but we implore you to tune into it with an open mind that you likely don’t have.
Why did this one get so much public/private hate and an overall bucket of general indifference? We simply don’t know, but we also sadly do. Taking risks can be a good thing, and 2017’s “Makes Me Sick” should be absorbed with an 80s-influence/keytar/smiley/Tommy Bahama-esque album cover lens. At ten songs, it is short, sweet, succinct, smart, and catchy as excess skin on barbed wire. Which is something we know about from experience after getting our car stuck in a tow yard. The street signs were confusing, it was unfair.
It’s cool that NFG followed up this Ramones-esque LP known as “Radiosurgery” with an actual Ramones cover EP called “Mania.” Fun fact: Both “Ramones” and “Radiosurgery” start with “R and A,” but “Rockaway Beach” and “Rock ‘n’ Roll High School” start with “R and O”; the jury is still out as to whether Rheumatoid arthritis is worse than a Queens boardwalk, but we digress. Anyway, chances are you didn’t give this record much of a chance because your music tastes were “maturing” and you bought your first Townes Van Zandt record in 2011 and disavowed all bands you previously loved.
The songs on “Resurrection” are more biting than many of NFG’s previous works, and the guitar riffs are powerful throughout, especially in its opening track “Selfless.” Chad Gilbert shines as the band’s lone guitarist on this LP, and we are not going to make any low hanging fruit jokes about what led him to that point, as we have standards, practices, and a combination of a persistent conscience and a less selfish attitude than you might think. Please check out 2015’s “Resurrection: Ascension,” the deluxe version of this LP as well for more features than you can shake several sticks at!
Overly whiny to some, but aggressive and angry to all, 2004’s “Catalyst” is one of Chad Gilbert’s least favorite NFG LPs. However, we would like to contradict his opinion, and we truly still want it around. Still, we assume that this specific ranking will end in tragedy on our end, so please don’t hurt us. This is the album that hardcore allowed hardcore kids to finally admit they like New Found Glory. You might remember going to an NFG show at this time and getting crowdkilled by a hefty dude in a mosh cap and thinking “Dear lord, please stop punching me I’m just kid.”
The band’s last major label LP, “Coming Home,” is a grower, not a show-er, and is too good to be dismissed. It’s also the band’s final Drive-Thru Records studio non-cover release, and while the record doesn’t sound like NFG in the best way ever, it still showcased some familiar and unfamiliar landscapes from hard and easycore svengali Chad Gilbert. We wish that this slower jam of an album moved way more units when it initially was released, but we’re glad that it eventually connected with many, and found a home to come in and into with both hardcore and casual NFG fans.
In your poorly written EULOGY at Congregation Beth lsrael whilst angrily staring at our closed casket two days after you effectively hired a hitman to murder us for this specific bronze medal ranking, you referenced the fact that this lone-’90s (A) New Found Glory release (which is apparently Chad Gilbert’s favorite New Found Glory LP according to his own rankings published on some no-name music site that shall not be named) should have been at the golden medal spot here. Anyway, this album should remind you of driving around the suburbs with your friends getting mad that your car’s cassette adapter is glitching again.
“Sticks and Stones” is New Found Glory’s first HUGE sounding album, and successfully/deservingly went platinum. Plus, “Understatement” is the band’s best opening track, and potentially their best song; catch some fists to your collective jaws if you disagree. Furthermore, in true, true punk rock fashion, Chad Gilbert is wearing a Distillers T-Shirt in this LP’s liner notes, proving that word travels fast when Brody’s name’s involved. “Joke Skits” are never a bad thing either, unless they are.
Dear your name here, name a pop-punk band post-2000 that didn’t rip this perfect record off. We’re waiting too long for your response. In an era of AIM away messages this album reigned supreme. Your older siblings hated this album. They tried to convince you to listen to Fugazi instead, but you didn’t listen. You had the NFG album and you still do. And now that it’s two decades old it almost makes sense for you to listen to it again, but instead of the lyrics applying to your high school girlfriend they can apply to your ex wife.
I do not believe this creature is ensouled. This heinous beast will be forced to wander the underworld in search of pizza and Scooby snacks as punishment for his abominable ways.
A most odious crustacean, Mr. Krabs has spent his wretched life glutting himself on the material comforts of the dollar. He has neglected his only begotten daughter, laid waste to the lives of his employees and burnt the land around him. The only hope for salvation lies in his fitting end. To be served to his customers as a meal. He must be boiled alive to mortify his wicked flesh and purify his greedy soul.
A drinker, a menace, and a hedonist of the first order, this gray pear-shaped extraterrestrial will doubtlessly be smote by the Lord. The only downside would be that he seems the type to enjoy a good smiting. Filthy thing.
He hath usurped the Creator, reveled in the idolatry of science, built machines in the likenesses of the dog, and familiarized himself with Carl, a tubby child who is covetous of his mother. Jimmy Neutron is a he-witch of the first order. He should be pressed to death for corrupting the cadre of youths he has brought under his spell.
Speaking of witches, we must address the boy-child with the magical fish. A fairy by any other name is, in fact, an imp. A tiny devil. It is clear that brother Timothy Turner has made a pact with Lucifer by way of the fish and has traded his immortal soul for mastery of magic most foul.
The split-hoofed one. The she-pig. The child-sow. Her soul contains immeasurable evil. I shudder to think how she wields influence over her minions: Muma Pig and Daddy Pig. She has gripped her hooks into the minds of America’s youth and she won’t let go.
What is this, you say? Oh-bee-oh-by-oh-bother! Brother Ned? The righteous? The censorious? Cast into everlasting death? Aye, so it is, my brothers and sisters. So it is. For you see, though he plays the virtuous Christ-i-an for the neighborhood and sayeth his prayers by night, Ned Flanders is in fact… left-handed. I think I needn’t say more. The devil doth come in sheep’s clothing after all.
Aside from the fact that cats are of the beast to begin with, Garfield is an especially hideous lout. He’s lazy. Slothful. Gluttonous. Wrathful. Filled with pride and pomp and vigor. He’ll be milked like a grape to fill the chalice of Beelzebub. But still, he’s not to blame. For there’s…
His wicked master. Jon is another he-witch of the highest order. He keeps familiars, the cat Garfield, the hell-hound Odie. (Short for Odious, I have scant doubt.) He is a loathsome sort of a man. Lazy, pathetic, dull. Endlessly lustful after the flesh of the female. Specifically, the she-healer, Liz. He is hopeless.
A boisterous drunkard and a wastrel. Though he lives but an inch from noble poverty, he is content to spend what money he has on tricks and scams and schemes, while the rest of his family is cold and hungry through the wintertime. He should shiver with them. And take each pang of hunger in his bloated belly as a gift.
A being not of this earth, but shaped like the unclean shrimp. He rants and raves and thrashes about madly, screaming about world domination. It is clear he has been tormented by devils. For his own sake, we must put his head in the vice until they leave him be.
A lad in dire (oh yes, brothers and sisters, I do mean dire) need of a good lashing. It is clear that the fat, ill-humored fingers of his father ‘round his throat have done little to instill morals or values. Desperate measures must be taken. I suggest the dunking stool.
As a mechanical man, he has a mechanical soul and will be sent to mechanical Hell. I have no more words to say for him.
This man hath a heart which is black and burdened and twisted. He is cruel to his dog, neglectful to his wife, and unkind to his fellow man. All of these would be fine, of course, but he is also neglectful as a farmer. He is unwilling to work the land and therefore should have no expectation of its graces.
Jake, along with all of his friends, are walking-talking beasts that socialize with the human boy Adam Lyon. Clearly, they are wicked things that have enchanted this lad away from his happy home. Yes, indeed, all of the “My Gym Partner is a Monkey” cast should be burnt. Whether they be talking land-beasts or Slips, the serpent which tempted Adam and Eve.
Oh, you fools. You poor, poor simple fools. There beith no such thing as a friendly ghost. Mark me on that. This poltergeist, this unbaptized boy-phantom, has been cast from G-d’s graces. Now, he haunts the televisions of our children, tempting them unto death. He will need to be purged from the houses and put to rest.
I have no idea what tiresome religious order this “House of Mouse” is, and I hope never to. But he is leading a flock of the deceived. Like the Pied Piper, he has led away the children, in the form of his minions: the Mouseketeers.
This monster should not exist. Cats should not wear little bows. Cats should not wear overalls. Cats should not be able to walk upright and say “hello” to anyone, save a saucer of milk. To this beast, I would much prefer to say goodbye.
A fiendish woman, Peggy Hill is pride incarnate. She has led her family to disaster on many occasions. To the near brink of financial ruin. But even these misdeeds could be excusable. What I do not find excusable, what compels me to say nay to Goody Hill, are the stumps she parades herself about on. Her giant, clobberous feet. They are not of the Lord. She must remove them if she wishes for life ever-lasting.
G-d save us! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the excrement! A fat, debauched, hedonistic bear who lives off of milk and honey and who is content to traipse about nearly naked, fouling himself wherever he pleases and allowing his WIGGLING JINGLE-JOHN to blow freely in the breeze. Disgraceful.
She is a witch. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life! She keeps a cat familiar known as Sylvester, to whom she has taught the incantation: “Sufferin’ succatash!” and a small yellow imp named Tweety. Still, she appears to be of a benevolent disposition. Perhaps merely a pagan.