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Trump Just One Indictment Away From Free Hoagie in Courthouse Commissary

WASHINGTON — Former President Donald Trump announced that he is now just one indictment away from receiving a free, six-inch hoagie from the federal courthouse commissary, confirmed members of his legal team.

“While these Radical Left Monsters have INDICATED [sic] the 45th President, me, unjustly and unfairly in THE GREATEST ATTACK IN OUR COUNTRYS HISTORY. Your beloved president now needs just one more hole on his punchcard to get a FREE HOAGIE from the Courthouse Comissary [sic],” Trump wrote on his fledgling echo chamber, Truth Social. “Now watch as Deranged Jack Smith and Nasty Tanya Chutkan try to take my hard earned and frankly PERFECT sandwich away. I will not allow the HIGHLY POLITICAL cafeteria workers refuse my order! ITS TIME TO TAKE OUR HOAGIES BACK!”

Commissary employee Sophia Long described one of the more recent visits from the disgraced president.

“It was shocking at first to see Trump and all the decrepit old people that follow him around aimlessly, but at this point it’s just another Tuesday. It’s kind of sad when Rudy Guiliani begs Trump to buy him some salt and vinegar chips,” said Long before reiterating that the free hoagie is only available at participating courthouses. “As for Trump, he’s always looking for a way to abuse the punch card system. At least once a visit he’ll return to the register and claim that I didn’t actually punch his card the first time. Then he demands that I recuse myself and asks if there are any ‘Trump-appointed’ cashiers here. I have to explain again that it doesn’t work that way and then he just sort of shuffles off.”

Presidential sandwich historian Laurie Conley explained the significance of Trump’s hoagie.

“While Trump’s usual sandwich order of an Italian hoagie with double capicola, drowning in ketchup is disgusting, America has an unfortunately lengthy history of disgraced politicians and god awful sandwich orders,” explained Conley. “Nixon, for instance, ate a cow tongue and horseradish sandwich on his last day as president. And Reagan would spread mushed jellybeans and the tears of the gay Americans he cruelly ignored during the AIDS crisis on white bread.”

At press time, commissary employees revoked and shredded Trump’s punch card after it was revealed he instructed Mark Meadows to purchase a hole puncher from Staples.