20. Dale Gribble
A loving husband and “father,” who hath been made a cuckold of by his wife. I do not condone some of his baser behavior, except to say that in him there is nobility. I pray the Lord will look upon him with favor. Myself, I have very little to grant.
19. Rapunzel (from “Tangled”)
I am very torn on what to do with this young lady. On one hand, she is disobedient to her mother, lustful for a life of adventure which is most improper and keeps company with a chameleon. On the other hand, the mother she defies is, in fact, a witch. A literal witch. So I’m torn here. I think she gets a pass.
18. Squidward Tentacles
Like Job before him. Squidward is a man who has been stripped of all his blessings to live a life closer to the divine. Sadly, Squidward falls constantly short of divinity. This is why he continues to be tested. Until he learns to seek out the joys of puritan asceticism and put away the life of comfort, of empty material pleasures and clarinet songs that he so craves, he will never be free of his burdens.
17. Sheriff Woody
There is something I quite like about this yippee-ki-yay cow-poke. He is a humble man. He lives off the land, off the sweat of his brow. He imposes order on others. He rejects the modernity of the blasphemous spaceman Buzz Lightyear. He abstains from the temptation of fornication in the form of Little Bo Peep. He is as righteous and chaste as every cowboy.
16. Donald Duck
He is a man of honor and great character. He has adopted three pitiful nephews, which are not of his own seed, out of the goodness of his heart and an innate sense of Christian charity. That being said, he is not afraid of putting them in their place, of yelling and screaming and imposing order. I respect this duck. May his yolk grow strong.
15. Bill Dauterive
Unlike Squidward, this man has learned to find blessing and comfort in his nothingness. The Lord has laid waste to his former glory, his athleticism, his romantic prowess, all things of the distant past. And yet, he does not complain. He arrives at a military base every morning to do one thing: take hair which is long and make it short again. Much like how the reapers of the wheat fields mow their crops every autumn, without fail. Blessings are cyclical. And Bill is a blessed man.
14. Benson
Benson is wrathful, true. But he is, above all, a very hard worker. A tender of the fields. A keeper of the grounds. A manager of the garbage-eating raccoon and the diseased avian bird. He would make an excellent elder at the Sacred Order of the Mayflower Compact.
13. Muriel Bagge
Bless this Hebridean angel, about whom nothing negative may truly be said. Oh certainly, Muriel may not be the brightest star in the firmament, but she is kind and decent. A keeper of the home. A blessing. I do not believe she keeps the dog as a familiar, as she does not appear to show interest in him talking to her. This is very wise. Pets are doorways to the beast.
12. Claude Frollo
Tell me exactly what this man did that was so wrong. Nothing! That’s what. Furthermore, the song “Hellfire,” which he sings in this film, accompanied by visions of dancing women is quite similar to a recurring dream I have at night sometimes, featuring Judy Neutron and Jessica Rabbit.
11. Chris Griffin
A simple-minded lad, fit for little more than growing radishes and smashing bricks with his head. Chris Griffin is the antidote to his wretched family. Proof that sometimes the sins of the father are not passed on. They are purified by the cleansing water of idiocy.
10. Hank Hill
Unlike his wife, Hank Hill leads a simple and austere life, free from the temptations of the flesh. He is a decent but stern father. A loving husband. A respectful son. He is content to sell propane and accessories thereof. He cooks with fire. But he shall never know it.
9. Elmer Fudd
A hunter, a keeper of the land, Elmer Fudd walks the straight and narrow path right into our hearts. Perhaps that is why his “wascawy wabbit” foe has given him the name “Nimrod,” after the Biblical hunter.
8. Denzel Crocker
This man has the soul of a witch-finder. I would be happy to welcome him to join us at the Holy Order of the Mayflower Compact any day. Like most of the people there, he is skilled at sniffing out wicked spirits, but has been driven away by a modern world that does not understand. Also, like many of our residents, he is deformed. Due, I suspect, to inbreeding.
7. Batman
Bruce Wayne is a billionaire. He could’ve used his fortune for any number of sinful exploits from promenades to prostitutes. Instead, he chose a nobler path: spending his evenfalls brutalizing the morally ill, criminal degenerates that plague his city. He walks the straight and narrow path.
6. Meatwad
There is not a thought in his head (or lack thereof) with which to give into temptation. He is unblemished. He is pure. He is thought made flesh. He is of us. He is above us. He is utterly pure. He is meat.
5. SpongeBob Squarepants
This child-man is clearly touched with some divine spirit. He is very likely the product of selective inbreeding, which is promoted and venerated in communities (such as mine) as being a way for offspring to connect with the spiritual realm.
4. Charlie Brown
The many slings and arrows of horrible fortune have not phased this alopecic juvenile. Instead, he remains steadfastly on the righteous path. My sole criticism is that he would do better not to allow his sister Sally to go on believing in this Santa Claus. Whoever he is.
3. The Grinch
Indeed, this is a noble monster. As a Puritan, I do not celebrate Christmas, so I am glad to see that the Grinch took it upon himself to rid the Whos of their baubles and idols. It is tragic that he was overcome at his last moment, and that the presents were returned. But still, one hopes the Whos learned a valuable lesson from him and that his heart will soon shrink down to a more manageable size.
2. Popeye the Sailorman
Much as Samson had his hair, Popeye has his spinach. He is a walking miracle. A man who is courted by the saucy Olive Oyl, but who, I truly believe, will never consummate his lust. Indeed, I can think of no career path more virtuous than being a sailor.
1. Salad Fingers
This gentleman is of the divine. He is the physical ideal. Tall, slender, skin of green, three beautiful long fingers perfectly oriented to reach above and touch the Lord. Bask in his glory.