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50 Cartoon Characters Ranked By How Likely They Are to See the Divine Light of the Kingdom of Heaven

29. Phineas & Ferb

Babes in the woods. That’s all these lads are. They are babes in the woods. Clearly, they’re unaware that the devil has come to them in the form of this strange, teal platypus they associate with. But it’s obvious they’ve been tricked and vividly deceived into offering to do his bidding in exchange for knowledge beyond this world. I believe there is hope for them yet, if Goody Candace can succeed in “busting” them and they can be brought before the clergy.

28. Judy Neutron

Goody Neutron causes me to feel strange compunctions in my… compunctular regions. I knoweth not by what magic she has beguiled her husband – the simpleton Hugh Neutron – but it is clear that she is learned in sorcery. Still, she is nowhere near as wicked as her son.

27. Jessica Rabbit

See the above. It is odd, of course, and a little unnerving that Jessica has made a bridegroom of her familiar, and given him the human name of Roger. But of all the people on this list who I am sure are witches, she is the one who scares me the least.

26. Roger Rabbit

There are ghosts in this creature’s bones. If his wife truly loved him, she would take him to the town doctor. Ghosts can be driven out through the liberal usage of blood-letting and leeches. Myself, I would also mash together a poultice to balance out the humors in his body. I imagine his bile and black blood are not well.

25. Mighty Mouse

Who is this mouse who has throned himself as mighty? I know not. What I do know is that he is guilty of the sin of pride in the utmost. Clearly his intentions are good, but I believe I would like him better if he was simply called “Humble Mouse” or “Temperance Mouse” or “Him-Who-Is-Redeemed Mouse.”

24. Sleeping Beauty

She is noble-hearted and virtuous. A maiden with flaxen hair and heart of light. Still, I must be suspicious of her, as I have time to neither sleep nor be beautiful.

23. Mr. Magoo

This gentleman is neither good nor evil. He is merely a drop in the bucket. Oh sure, he is prone to destruction, but this is not by his own doing. His eyes were taken from him, that’s true, but in that, I believe he’s in possession of a more heavenly sight.

22. Goofy

A loving and devoted father who is at times prone to the sin of shenanigans. He reminds me of a man in my compound: The-Shadow-Hath-Passed-Over-Me Michaelson. He is the town drunk, who has borne seventeen children. His brain is full of thunder and poo, but on occasion, he receives ecstatic visions of the life beyond this one. I believe Goofy has this power. But tragically, he has never tapped into it.

21. Caillou

This child is witched and he knows it. You can hear his soul crying from his body for mercy. But Mummy and Daddy do not listen to him. Rosie ignores him. And so he cries each day louder. Louder. “Louder!” sayeth the beggarman to the horsecart! Mercy on this spoiled child! It is the rod that will put him straight.

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