Good morrow, fellows. My name is Piteousness Baille. I am, this year, celebrating my 106th birthday. I am one of the last remaining members of the American neo-Puritan sect, the Holy Order of the Mayflower Compact.
Recently, my great-granddaugther-in-law informed me that her son has become quite fond of cartoons. Silly little drawings that bounce and play hideously with the light. I’ve never cared for them. But I’ve now watched a’pleanty. And I have come here today that I may raise my pen to pass righteous judgment upon the fifty worst sinners in the cartoon canon.
Unfortunately, very few news outlets wished to publish an article condemning the wickedness of animated characters. So I have submitted to this periodical, since I’ve been told by friends that it concerns “punk rock,” which I can only assume is a reference to my dear, late cousin Thou-Shalt-Build-Upon-The-Punkéd-Rock Matherford.
In any event, do read on good fellows. And see which of these drawn-out villains will see paradise and which will be cast into the flame.
50. Scrappy-Doo
I do not believe this creature is ensouled. This heinous beast will be forced to wander the underworld in search of pizza and Scooby snacks as punishment for his abominable ways.
49. Mr. Krabs
A most odious crustacean, Mr. Krabs has spent his wretched life glutting himself on the material comforts of the dollar. He has neglected his only begotten daughter, laid waste to the lives of his employees and burnt the land around him. The only hope for salvation lies in his fitting end. To be served to his customers as a meal. He must be boiled alive to mortify his wicked flesh and purify his greedy soul.
48. Roger the Alien
A drinker, a menace, and a hedonist of the first order, this gray pear-shaped extraterrestrial will doubtlessly be smote by the Lord. The only downside would be that he seems the type to enjoy a good smiting. Filthy thing.
47. Jimmy Neutron
He hath usurped the Creator, reveled in the idolatry of science, built machines in the likenesses of the dog, and familiarized himself with Carl, a tubby child who is covetous of his mother. Jimmy Neutron is a he-witch of the first order. He should be pressed to death for corrupting the cadre of youths he has brought under his spell.
46. Timmy Turner
Speaking of witches, we must address the boy-child with the magical fish. A fairy by any other name is, in fact, an imp. A tiny devil. It is clear that brother Timothy Turner has made a pact with Lucifer by way of the fish and has traded his immortal soul for mastery of magic most foul.
45. Peppa Pig
The split-hoofed one. The she-pig. The child-sow. Her soul contains immeasurable evil. I shudder to think how she wields influence over her minions: Muma Pig and Daddy Pig. She has gripped her hooks into the minds of America’s youth and she won’t let go.
44. Ned Flanders
What is this, you say? Oh-bee-oh-by-oh-bother! Brother Ned? The righteous? The censorious? Cast into everlasting death? Aye, so it is, my brothers and sisters. So it is. For you see, though he plays the virtuous Christ-i-an for the neighborhood and sayeth his prayers by night, Ned Flanders is in fact… left-handed. I think I needn’t say more. The devil doth come in sheep’s clothing after all.
43. Garfield the Cat
Aside from the fact that cats are of the beast to begin with, Garfield is an especially hideous lout. He’s lazy. Slothful. Gluttonous. Wrathful. Filled with pride and pomp and vigor. He’ll be milked like a grape to fill the chalice of Beelzebub. But still, he’s not to blame. For there’s…
42. Jon Arbuckle
His wicked master. Jon is another he-witch of the highest order. He keeps familiars, the cat Garfield, the hell-hound Odie. (Short for Odious, I have scant doubt.) He is a loathsome sort of a man. Lazy, pathetic, dull. Endlessly lustful after the flesh of the female. Specifically, the she-healer, Liz. He is hopeless.
41. Peter Griffin
A boisterous drunkard and a wastrel. Though he lives but an inch from noble poverty, he is content to spend what money he has on tricks and scams and schemes, while the rest of his family is cold and hungry through the wintertime. He should shiver with them. And take each pang of hunger in his bloated belly as a gift.
40. Invader Zim
A being not of this earth, but shaped like the unclean shrimp. He rants and raves and thrashes about madly, screaming about world domination. It is clear he has been tormented by devils. For his own sake, we must put his head in the vice until they leave him be.
39. Bart Simpson
A lad in dire (oh yes, brothers and sisters, I do mean dire) need of a good lashing. It is clear that the fat, ill-humored fingers of his father ‘round his throat have done little to instill morals or values. Desperate measures must be taken. I suggest the dunking stool.
38. Bender
As a mechanical man, he has a mechanical soul and will be sent to mechanical Hell. I have no more words to say for him.
37. Eustace Bagge
This man hath a heart which is black and burdened and twisted. He is cruel to his dog, neglectful to his wife, and unkind to his fellow man. All of these would be fine, of course, but he is also neglectful as a farmer. He is unwilling to work the land and therefore should have no expectation of its graces.
36. Jake the Monkey, et al.
Jake, along with all of his friends, are walking-talking beasts that socialize with the human boy Adam Lyon. Clearly, they are wicked things that have enchanted this lad away from his happy home. Yes, indeed, all of the “My Gym Partner is a Monkey” cast should be burnt. Whether they be talking land-beasts or Slips, the serpent which tempted Adam and Eve.
35. Casper
Oh, you fools. You poor, poor simple fools. There beith no such thing as a friendly ghost. Mark me on that. This poltergeist, this unbaptized boy-phantom, has been cast from G-d’s graces. Now, he haunts the televisions of our children, tempting them unto death. He will need to be purged from the houses and put to rest.
34. Mickey Mouse
I have no idea what tiresome religious order this “House of Mouse” is, and I hope never to. But he is leading a flock of the deceived. Like the Pied Piper, he has led away the children, in the form of his minions: the Mouseketeers.
33. Hello Kitty
This monster should not exist. Cats should not wear little bows. Cats should not wear overalls. Cats should not be able to walk upright and say “hello” to anyone, save a saucer of milk. To this beast, I would much prefer to say goodbye.
32. Peggy Hill
A fiendish woman, Peggy Hill is pride incarnate. She has led her family to disaster on many occasions. To the near brink of financial ruin. But even these misdeeds could be excusable. What I do not find excusable, what compels me to say nay to Goody Hill, are the stumps she parades herself about on. Her giant, clobberous feet. They are not of the Lord. She must remove them if she wishes for life ever-lasting.
31. Winnie the Pooh
G-d save us! Winnie the Pooh! Winnie the excrement! A fat, debauched, hedonistic bear who lives off of milk and honey and who is content to traipse about nearly naked, fouling himself wherever he pleases and allowing his WIGGLING JINGLE-JOHN to blow freely in the breeze. Disgraceful.
30. Granny (The Looney Tunes)
She is a witch. I’ve never been more certain of anything in my life! She keeps a cat familiar known as Sylvester, to whom she has taught the incantation: “Sufferin’ succatash!” and a small yellow imp named Tweety. Still, she appears to be of a benevolent disposition. Perhaps merely a pagan.