DETROIT – Shock Rock pioneer Alice Cooper recently issued an apology for a lyric within the chorus of his 1972 single “School’s Out”’ which suggested academic institutions may be closed indefinitely, skeptical sources confirmed.
“Though I meant no harm, and was confident my lyrics would be taken figuratively, or at the very least ironically, it has come to my attention that many have believed for decades that school has been out forever,” stated Cooper solemnly. “Education is so vital to the youth, and it was not my intention to suggest that students should never return to the classroom. From this day forward, I pledge to write more positive and accurate material about the importance and duration of fundamental academia.”
Detroit City Schools Honor Student Lydia Johnson expressed distaste for Cooper’s apology, stating that she didn’t feel it was sincere.
“Look, just because everyone kisses Alice Cooper’s ass because he lived here doesn’t mean I have to. This apology is nothing more than a veiled attempt at virtue signaling now that teacher’s rights are coming into mainstream consciousness,” said Johnson, visibly angry. “Where was he in the late seventies when the state pulled funding from our district because nearly all of the students failed to show up to class for six months straight? My algebra teacher had to sell his house. Cooper’s rhetoric is dangerous. If he was really sorry, he would have never written the song in the first place.’
Ann Arbor Public Schools Superintendent Larry Hamlin admitted to some embarrassment having believed Cooper’s anthem to be truthful, but seemed relieved to have some clarity on the matter.
“I’ll never forget the day I first heard the song. I packed up my office, hit the road and never looked back. To hell with Ann Arbor, I thought. I’ve had some great years since, but something always felt off,” explained Hamlin. “When I saw that it had just been a cheeky lyric and not an actual decree from someone I assumed was a state official, boy was my face red. Fortunately schools are so underfunded these days that no one seemed to notice I was gone for nearly five decades when I finally came back. My old office hadn’t even been touched!”
At press time, Cooper was seen working on a rewrite of “Feed My Frankenstein” entitled “Feed My Learning Mind.”