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Punk Uncle Genuinely Unsure if 5 Too Young for Budd Dwyer Video

CATONSVILLE, Md. — Local punk and terrible uncle Chris Middleton was genuinely unsure if his 5-year-old nephew might be too young to watch the suicide of disgraced state treasurer, Budd Dwyer, sources that hope he never procreates confirmed.

“So I’m babysitting Raiden. And I thought it might be fun to expose him to the cool shit from my childhood. I considered ‘Secret of the Ooze’ and ‘Land Before Time,’ but no video affected me quite like the Budd Dwyer press conference. I mean I remember seeing it when I was his age and I turned out just fine,” said Middleton while coming down from a buzz after inhaling spray paint fumes in his car. “The way I see it, my brother got his gore fix from ‘Cannibal Holocaust’ and ‘Faces of Death.’ Then I was desensitized to that and moved on to 20 FPS Liveleak clips. So by that logic kids these days practically come out of the womb watching clips of drug cartels skinning their rivals alive, right?”

Following that afternoon, Raiden’s mother Leena Roth noticed changes in her son’s behavior.

“We had to go to the emergency room and needed a last minute babysitter. But in hindsight I should have just risked my health and prayed I made it through the night,” said Roth. “In the coming days we learned something was amiss when our sweet and innocent child solemnly marched into our bedroom, pulled a revolver constructed from Legos out of a manilla envelope and proceeded to put it in his mouth before squirting a ketchup packet all over his face. I’m completely at a loss. I mean, no children’s book prepares you for when your young son asks me to check if ‘Salo’ is on Hulu.”

Child psychologist Dr. Amaar Atkinson has seen many cases like Raiden’s and insists the internet is to blame.

“It’s genuinely heartbreaking how many Gen Zers have been emotionally disturbed simply for having a natural curiosity and unfettered internet access, and it’s going to be exponentially worse for Gen Alpha,” said Dr. Atkinson. “Of course, as a child psychologist, cha-ching, right? But I do also feel bad. Children shouldn’t be exposed to violence and gore through 4chan. They should only see that stuff when they’re 18 and fighting abroad for their country’s financial interest. Then they should come back from war and suppress it all just like their grandfathers and great grandfathers did.”

Currently, 5-year-old Raiden is trying to decide between asking Santa for a Paw Patrol Action Pup Patroller, or an Onion Router for accessing the dark web.