Lame Teacher Claims Neutral Milk Hotel Lyrics Not Credible Source for Anne Frank Essay

Posted on January 27, 2021 by Patrick Coyne

SALINE, Mich. — Supposed “lame-ass” history teacher Trevor Rubio failed student Rachel Traynor yesterday for insisting that Neutral Milk Hotel lyrics were a credible source for an essay on Holocaust victim Anne Frank, insufferable young hipster sources confirmed.

“Seriously? What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I guess it would’ve been better if I cited sources from some bullshit band like Foghat or whatever the fuck he listens to,” said Traynor. “Everyone knows Anne Frank was a little girl that lived in Holland in 1945, and then years later her ghost came to live within Jeff Mangum. These are the facts. Maybe our so-called ‘history teacher’ should pick up a book and try learning a thing or two about the subject he’s fucking teaching. Pitchfork wouldn’t have given that album a 10 if it wasn’t factually accurate.”

For his part, Rubio was utterly confused by Traynor’s essay, as well as other dubious sources used by students.

“I don’t know who, or what, a Neutral Milk Hotel is. Is it… is it a sex thing? I bet it’s a sex thing,” said Rubio. “I wanted to believe Rachel mistakenly turned in a piece of creative writing, but she really believed every word of it was part of the historical record. If this were an isolated incident, I wouldn’t be concerned, but you’d be shocked how often I’ve told students that liking something called Titus Andronicus is not akin to doing the required reading on the American Civil War.”

Principal Dawn Sexton was “not surprised.”

“Today, disinformation is everywhere. On the one hand, we should be helping these impressionable young people develop critical thinking skills… but on the other hand, it’s all a bunch of horse shit anyway,” explained Sexton before chugging a belt of whiskey from her personal flask. “Let’s face it: with global warming, the threat of right wing fascism, and the inevitable rise of artificial intelligence, these kids won’t have a future. So if it makes them happy to believe Kanye when he says the government administered AIDS, or to craft a science fair diorama based on the bullshit astronomy of ‘Black Hole Sun,’ I say let the good times roll.”

In related news, Rubio’s colleague Neil Strickland is taking a mental health sabbatical after math rock-loving students refused to learn algebra, claiming they “already listen to The Dismemberment Plan.”

Local Crackpot Believes His Tweets are Good Enough to Be Suppressed by the Algorithm

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

DICKSON, Tenn. — Twitter user Lenny Vickerman, a 43-year-old who frequently posts unintelligible rants on social media, suspects that the sole reason his tweets aren’t getting traction must be because the site is suppressing him via their algorithm.

“Big tech is trying to silence us once again,” Vickerman explained from the driver’s seat of his truck, in a video recently posted to his account that received no engagement. “I’m exposing these limousine liberals for the reptilians they really are every day on Twitter and not even one retweet! Clearly my tweets are being buried, which is why they get no likes. It’s the only explanation!”

A quick scan of Vickerman’s feed shows that he tweets up to forty times a day to an audience of 11 followers. One example Vickerman points to as evidence of Twitter tampering is a tweet that reads “BUSTED! Let’s see Pelosi wriggle out of this one,” accompanied by a link to a 404 page.

“I actually don’t understand why his tweets don’t get more likes,” said Twitter user Derek Lee, the only person who regularly engages with Vickerman’s posts. “The guy is hilarious. He’s like the new dril. Wait… he’s not shitposting? Oh.”

Vickerman suspects that Facebook’s algorithm has also hidden his content in its feed. One post, a 2000 word rant with no paragraph breaks about how Nancy Pelosi and Apple’s Tim Cook orchestrated the Capitol attacks to frame Donald Trump, only has one comment from Vickerman’s second cousin, which simply says “good to see you lenny.”

“I have no idea who that is,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg when asked if he was censoring Vickerman. “But we’re happy to have him a loyal Facebook user and we’ll do everything in our power to make sure his posts get top priority from now on.”

Frustrated with his lack of engagement on social media, Vickerman eventually migrated over to YouTube, where he instantly became one of the platform’s top personalities.

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The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

From reading all of your comments, as frequently as I do, I can tell that many of you are artists and creatives yourselves. That means all of you probably relate to trying to find the most elegant way to tell your family about how you make money either writing about Mario’s dick, drawing Mario’s dick, or just talking about Mario’s dick for a podcast. If only there was a way to involve them in your work and help them understand…

“And for just five dollars a month on Patreon, you can enter my ‘Close Family’ tier for a call every week, with regular updates on all of my latest projects. If you opt for the ten dollar tier, I’ll even tell you that I’m going back to school!”

Now we finally know what was secretly happening when Captain America was trying to lift Thor’s Hammer:

(ARTIST’S RENDITION. NOT ACTUAL PROMOTIONAL ARTWORK BY DISNEY. ALTHOUGH, IF THEY LIKE IT, DISNEY MAY FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT.)

And it turns out the black friend he’s been talking about all of these years was one of his neighbors in The Sims.

Personally, my favorite level is when Cooking Cousin takes you upstairs and shows you how to roll a joint before ‘taking a walk,’ which allows you to skip the section where Cooking Aunt asks why you’ve never had a boyfriend. I easily spent hours on the gas station section failing over and over again to put ketchup on a microwaved hot dog.

Honestly, between economic and ecological decline, stagnant politics, and the next 100 years of endless Star Wars movies, at least fully immersive ray traced elf breasts give humanity something to look forward to.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

How to Avoid Sounding Like a Name-Dropper While Ensuring Everyone Knows You Bought Jon Hamm a Beer Once

Posted on January 26, 2021 by John Danek

So you just serendipitously ran into Jon Hamm at a bar and wouldn’t leave him alone until you made him let you buy a beer. The real question is: how can you make sure your acquaintances know without looking like a dick?

It’s a tough balance but we here at The Hard Times can help you make it public knowledge that you bought a celebrity an IPA with these tips. Remember, until you can convince some unlucky soul to share life’s truly fulfilling moments with you, this is all you have.

1. Guide Them Towards the Celebrity

When you run into an old friend, your goal is to have them know that you’re basically friends with Jon Hamm without you ever explicitly saying it. Humility matters in certain parts of America for some reason. Try to make it seem like Jon Hamm is coming up organically. Say something like “Hey, Let’s watch a movie! You wanna watch the remake of The Day The Earth Stood Still or Tag (2018)? I’m totally cool with either one.” Stick to the moderately popular stuff for now. Again, we’re planting subtle, humble seeds at this stage.

2. Escalate Subliminally

If this dumbshit friend hasn’t figured it out yet, time to up the ante. You cannot just come out and say it; at least, while they’re conscious. Sneak into their house and whisper “Television’s Jon Hamm, star of Mad Men. Jon Hamm. Frequent 30 Rock guest Jon Hamm” in their ear while they sleep. Inception is a victimless crime. Odds are, they’ll wake up and text you first thing in the morning. But if not, the only remaining option is to…

3. Recreate the Meeting

Ok. Dumb fucko over here isn’t going to arrive to the necessary conclusion. Now you must foster your friendship with this drooling moron to the point where they spend a weekend in the city with you. Take them to the spots where you previously scouted Jon Hamm frequenting and force another run-in just like you did the first. (Remember- it’s not stalking if you never touch them). When it finally happens, play it cool while this Bumfuck, Iowa moron shits their ass in astonishment. And to seal the deal, whisper to them “Hey, could you do me a favor and not tell anyone about this? I don’t want to look like some famewhore.”

Millennial Couple Tries Not to Argue in Front of Houseplant

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Billy Patterson

PHILADELPHIA — Local millennial Lauren Toole and her live-in boyfriend Nick McIntyre are making an effort to not argue in front of their new houseplant in order to allow the plant to grow in a serene environment, conscientious sources confirmed.

“We fight, like all couples,” said Toole. “But if we’re going to raise this philodendron, we have to do better. Last night we were yelling at each other and I looked down at the plant — so small and frail — and it broke my heart. I don’t want it to see us like that. It might not understand exactly what we’re saying, but I know it can feel the negative energy. I just don’t want to raise this houseplant the way my parents raised me and my five siblings.”

However, McIntyre is tired of policing his behavior in front of the plant.

“I feel like I’ve got no freedom anymore,” said McIntyre, whispering out of earshot of the plant. “I have to watch what I do and what I say, and heaven forbid if I open the curtains during the afternoon and saturate the plant with direct sunlight. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for this. All of our friends were getting houseplants, and it seemed like the right thing to do, but it’s way more responsibility than I thought. Some nights I stay late at work because I just can’t deal with it. And I know it’s not the plant’s fault, but I feel like I’d be so much happier if it had never been sown.”

Family therapist Francine Valdez agrees that creating an emotionally stable environment for houseplants is a necessity.

“If millennial couples are going to rely on houseplants to provide meaning and fulfillment in their lives, then it’s only fair that they be as loving and nurturing as possible,” said Valdez. “If a plant grows up in a home filled with yelling, bickering, and people pouring unfinished coffee on its soil, then it will never achieve a full bloom. Whereas if a plant grows up in a positive, two-parent household, it will be strong and healthy.”

Despite their best efforts, Toole and McIntyre soon engaged in a heated argument that ended with Toole packing a bag and taking the plant to spend the night at her mother’s house.

Can You Guess Which of These Pop Punk Front Men Is Grooming You Right Now?

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Nathan Kamal

Quiz time! Pop-punk makes you feel alive, and there’s nothing like screaming along to your favorite lyrics about how the lead singer got dumped! If you’re not a fucker poser, you’ll be able to guess which of these front men is grooming you right now.

Benjee Taylor:

Taylor is the singer/bassist for Idaho-area trio The Warp Speeds, he’s 24, and is really vague about whether he has a girlfriend or not.

Is He Grooming You Right Now:

Nope, not him! Although he was being kind of weird and offered you a Mike’s Hard Lemonade in the green room when you saw his band at that all-ages venue in Boise, he hasn’t done anything that could be concretely called “grooming” to you yet.

Brad Iuda:

Brad is the singer for touring band Fans of Mine, and sometimes plays guitar if the chords aren’t too complex. Sometimes when performing, he makes eye contact with girls in the front row, and some of them say it is kinda cool.

Is He Grooming You Right Now:

Wow, not him either! Though he sent you a Friend Request on Facebook and has liked all your pics (except for the ones with your male friends in them), as of press time, he hasn’t actually made contact or told you how much more mature you are for your age than other girls.

Jason Borstall:

Jason is the singer for November Echo, and he’s more than willing to let everyone know that he played all the instruments on their first record (except the drums). He’s 23 and his t-shirts are all of bands you’ve heard of, but don’t tell him that.

Is He Grooming You Right Now:

Finally! Jason is definitely grooming you. He’s been stalking your Tiktok for weeks, and using a variety of sock puppet accounts to alternately comment that you’re “so hot bb :’” and tell you that you’re overweight and nobody will ever love you. He’s already planning to put you on the guestlist for the next time November Echo plays anywhere near your home in Michigan, and will definitely fly into a rage if you bring your boyfriend to the show. Thanks for playing!

Just, whatever you do, don’t accept that Skype call.

The Devil Still Unable to Get Out of Contract With Victory Records

Posted on January 26, 2021 by John Danek

HELL — The Devil, legal name Satan, continued the long, bitter litigation with Victory Records founder Tony Brummel today to free his emo band The Jotted Down from their restrictive agreement, eternally damned legal counsel confirmed.

“Jesus Christ — being a constant opposing force to the good will of God is small beans compared to fighting Brummel’s team of attorneys,” said the Devil, whose fiddle work in The Jotted Down draws frequent comparisons to Yellowcard. “I thought we had literally all the best lawyers down here! But Cochran, Nixon, and Cristina Gutierrez have their hands full. Those Victory shitheads countersue at every possible juncture. My band was required to release two albums per year for six years, and every year we don’t adds another three years onto our contract length. Do you know how hard it is to write songs on fiddle while you’re also expected to come up with new ways to torture souls?”

Brummel has been accused of taking advantage of young acts with “stars in their eyes” before.

“It was all there on the contract he signed. I can’t help it if Satan didn’t take time to properly read the fine print. Rookie mistake,” said Brummel while throwing darts at a photo of Tomas Kalnoky. “I’ll never forget when I first signed Thursday — we were in a basement in New Brunswick, N.J., and they just got offstage. I offered Geoff Rickley an apple and asked if he wanted the world. He took a bite, spit it in my face, and shrugged a ‘Sure.’ Good enough for me. I got their best years, and they were cursed to make albums nobody would ever listen to as soon as they turned their back on me.”

Indeed, former Victory Records acts warn aspiring artists to weigh their options before signing to the insidious label.

“A lot of people might remember that when we released our second album, Tony sent a letter to the Victory street team to hide Ne-Yo records so people would buy ours instead,” said Hawthorne Heights frontman JT Woodruff. “It only got worse from there. When I proposed to my wife, Tony said there was a ‘prima nocta’ clause in all his band’s contracts, and that he would ‘get first crack at her’ on the wedding night. That’s when I started to realize we might have made a mistake signing with Victory.”

The Devil managed to secure an unrelated legal win, however, as he successfully sued for unpaid royalties owed for ghostwriting all of “Wal-Mart yodeling kid” Mason Ramsey’s musical catalog.

Scott Pilgrim Game Re-Release Includes Disclaimer Screen Acknowledging That Scott Is a Pretty Bad Boyfriend

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

TORONTO — Fans of the long-inaccessible retro beat ‘em up Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game were pleasantly surprised to discover that publisher Ubisoft has included a disclaimer screen in the startup sequence of the game’s deluxe re-release which acknowledges that Scott Pilgrim is a pretty bad boyfriend.

“This game includes dated and painful depictions of a lousy mid-2000’s alt boyfriend whose actions were wrong then and continue to be wrong now,” begins the disclaimer, written in an 8-bit pixellated font on a somber back background. “Rather than remove or alter this content, we want to acknowledge Scott Pilgrim’s harmful impact towards his girlfriends, allow players to learn from it, and spark conversation to create more thoughtful boyfriends together.’

Fans of the series say they are encouraged that Ubisoft is acknowledging the toxic actions of Scott Pilgrim rather than try to cover them up.

“Good on Ubisoft for doing the right thing and acknowledging Scott’s problematic history,” said Reddit user QueCeraCera on the subreddit r/ScottPilgrim. “I love this game and have fond memories of playing it, but I also think it’s important to recognize that most people who identify with Scott Pilgrim himself are probably bad, inconsiderate people. Anyone who’s bothering to dive back into this game in 2021 probably needs to hear that, so I applaud Ubisoft for being part of the solution.”

Sources report that the game’s disclaimer screen concludes by encouraging players to learn more about Scott Pilgrim’s negative impact on his romantic partners by purchasing the Scott Pilgrim graphic novel box set at Oni Press’s official website.

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$20 Planner Tasked With Turning Entire Life Around

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Rachel Steele

HOUSTON — Local “hot mess” Terri Garter is confident she found the long-awaited solution to get her life back on track in a $20 daily planner from a local Target, confirmed sources who have no faith in her ability to operate as a functioning adult.

“I’m a visual person, and if I don’t write down my life goals, I might forget about them,” explained Garter while jotting down the reminder, “Don’t eat all of the ice cream five minutes after buying it.” “I’m confident that this tropical-themed planner is the lifeline I’ve been looking for. It’s even got a space for ‘long term’ goals in the back, and I’ve already filled that up with things like, ‘Quit drinking until you black out,’ and, ‘Stop starting fights with people on the bus.’”

However, Garter’s mother Jennifer is doubtful that a daily planner will be enough for her daughter to get her life on track.

“I was happy to have Terri move back in with me after she lost her job, but so far I haven’t seen her try anything of substance,” Mrs. Garter explained. “I’ve seen the daily goals she’s written down in her planner, and it’s mainly just, ‘Get stoned, watch Netflix.’ And when she accomplishes that goal — which is every single day — she puts a little star sticker to mark the day, like she achieved something big. I wish she would try something like, ‘Search for jobs, eat solid food,’ but I know that’s a big step for her.”

Self-help expert Greg Hill confirmed Garter is not the first one looking for a fresh start in the form of a $20 planner, and she won’t be the last.

“It’s the same thing every year: someone enters the first session of the year looking miserable and disheveled, then they come back a week later with one of those flowery planners and suddenly it’s like they received a new lease on life,” said Hill. “I remind all my clients that it’s not enough to only plan for positive life changes; you also have to work on them. One client had an epiphany during a session, then wrote down, ‘Remember to pick up more beer and those donuts with the cream in the middle,’ under a colorful heading titled, ‘Self-care.’”

For her part, Garter insists she is dedicated to using the planner all year other than May through September, because she accidentally ruined those pages with spaghetti sauce while eating it directly from the jar.

Woman Considers Trying Polyamory for Hot New Thrill of Sleeping in Real Bed

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Lauren Lavín

SEATTLE — Chronic back-pain sufferer Delaney Edwards is giving serious thought to the polyamorous lifestyle after realizing it could lead to intensely thrilling experiences like sleeping in a real bed, adventurous sources confirmed.

“I thought being in my 30s meant I was done exploring,” explained Edwards. “But my friends were having all these cool adventures with new beds and it started to feel like I was missing out — they’re sleeping on dense memory foam mattresses with headboards. I had to ask myself, ‘Am I really satisfied with this futon cushion I inherited from a squat 10 years ago? Or am I just sleeping on it because the stale piss and cigarette burn smells are so familiar?’ I won’t know what I want until I try something new, like not breathing dog hair into my lungs every night from being on the floor, or sleeping between a fitted sheet and a top sheet.”

Edwards’ current monogamous partner Henry Goings was a little surprised, but ultimately understanding of her curiosity.

“I want to be supportive of her needs, but it’s just not for me. Nothing against the lifestyle, but I’ve been committed to this tumbling mat since I bought it in college 13 years ago,” Goings stated. “I don’t want to let the fact that I’m a one-mat guy stop her from experiencing other ways of sleeping, like a whole mattress on a floor… or, shit, even one on a box spring on the floor. She deserves to be happy.”

Sex therapist Helena Zhao said it’s fairly common for punks to hit “that certain age where they feel like experimenting with real beds,” but cautions that polyamory is not a cure-all.

“There are many other ways to experience new sleeping arrangements beyond entering a polyamorous relationship,” explained Dr. Zhao. “Some treatment I recommend to my patients include breaking into a discount mattress showroom and staying there for the night, or begging one of their parents to put a new mattress on a credit card. Even just taking it back to basics and catfishing a rich person is a great option. That’s actually how I met my husband.”

Edwards is looking forward to her new endeavor once she can overcome a few minor setbacks, including “the global pandemic” and “the fact that I don’t know any poly couples I’m remotely attracted to.”

Photo by Julia Zhen.

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