SEATTLE — Chronic back-pain sufferer Delaney Edwards is giving serious thought to the polyamorous lifestyle after realizing it could lead to intensely thrilling experiences like sleeping in a real bed, adventurous sources confirmed.
“I thought being in my 30s meant I was done exploring,” explained Edwards. “But my friends were having all these cool adventures with new beds and it started to feel like I was missing out — they’re sleeping on dense memory foam mattresses with headboards. I had to ask myself, ‘Am I really satisfied with this futon cushion I inherited from a squat 10 years ago? Or am I just sleeping on it because the stale piss and cigarette burn smells are so familiar?’ I won’t know what I want until I try something new, like not breathing dog hair into my lungs every night from being on the floor, or sleeping between a fitted sheet and a top sheet.”
Edwards’ current monogamous partner Henry Goings was a little surprised, but ultimately understanding of her curiosity.
“I want to be supportive of her needs, but it’s just not for me. Nothing against the lifestyle, but I’ve been committed to this tumbling mat since I bought it in college 13 years ago,” Goings stated. “I don’t want to let the fact that I’m a one-mat guy stop her from experiencing other ways of sleeping, like a whole mattress on a floor… or, shit, even one on a box spring on the floor. She deserves to be happy.”
Sex therapist Helena Zhao said it’s fairly common for punks to hit “that certain age where they feel like experimenting with real beds,” but cautions that polyamory is not a cure-all.
“There are many other ways to experience new sleeping arrangements beyond entering a polyamorous relationship,” explained Dr. Zhao. “Some treatment I recommend to my patients include breaking into a discount mattress showroom and staying there for the night, or begging one of their parents to put a new mattress on a credit card. Even just taking it back to basics and catfishing a rich person is a great option. That’s actually how I met my husband.”
Edwards is looking forward to her new endeavor once she can overcome a few minor setbacks, including “the global pandemic” and “the fact that I don’t know any poly couples I’m remotely attracted to.”
Photo by Julia Zhen.